Mom's Zombie Look
Monday nite, as Mom was doing her pre-bed "beauty" routine, she asked me, "Did U like having Connie here while we were away, April?" I sed, "I guess." Mom was all, "U sed U cd manage on yr own, but we thot U'd B more comfortable w/sum1 else in the house." Then she started applying sum kinda goop around her eyez, but I wasn't really paying close attention 2 what she was doin'. She went on, "Especially @ nite! ...Sumtymez, the most ordinary thingz can really spook U out!" Then she turned 2 me & I gasped in fear cuz she had this black shizz all around her eyez, making her look like a zombie. & she was, like, "What?" Hm, do U get the impression that Connie told her abt my nite where I spooked myself?
Howard, in answer 2 yr question abt me C-ing Moira's sign @ the bookstore, the one abt new management & how peeps R now safe 2 eat pastriez in the store? Yup, saw it. U C, while Mom an' Dad were in Baja, there was no reason 4 me 2 show my face @ Lilliput's, but since the 'rents got back, I've started 2 put in sum work time after school again. Tho my sked is much more flexible than it was w/Mom owning the store, since Moira doesn't, like, really need me there. I helped her out by doing a pastry run & doing sum rearranging 2 make the store more homey & inviting.
I can't believe the bizzy sked U've got goin' 4 yrself Howard, betw the housekeeping/cooking work @ Becky's the shamp-Oh's @ the salon, & 2 shows/nite singing @ the Valhalla? Then U have the energy 2 lift w8s w/Marjee? Wow! BTW, I did C Marjee yesterday, when I went out 2 get pastriez 4 Moira, & U R rite, U can tell she'z in gr8 shape!
Becks is way psyched abt the study d8 she'z got planned w/Drew Fontaine Saturday. I think the outfit/hair combo U described will work well, Becks.
Dunc sez he'z been having 'puter trubs but will post when he can. He'z got sum stuff 2 tell abt drama club, Zandra, & his cats.
Apes
Howard, in answer 2 yr question abt me C-ing Moira's sign @ the bookstore, the one abt new management & how peeps R now safe 2 eat pastriez in the store? Yup, saw it. U C, while Mom an' Dad were in Baja, there was no reason 4 me 2 show my face @ Lilliput's, but since the 'rents got back, I've started 2 put in sum work time after school again. Tho my sked is much more flexible than it was w/Mom owning the store, since Moira doesn't, like, really need me there. I helped her out by doing a pastry run & doing sum rearranging 2 make the store more homey & inviting.
I can't believe the bizzy sked U've got goin' 4 yrself Howard, betw the housekeeping/cooking work @ Becky's the shamp-Oh's @ the salon, & 2 shows/nite singing @ the Valhalla? Then U have the energy 2 lift w8s w/Marjee? Wow! BTW, I did C Marjee yesterday, when I went out 2 get pastriez 4 Moira, & U R rite, U can tell she'z in gr8 shape!
Becks is way psyched abt the study d8 she'z got planned w/Drew Fontaine Saturday. I think the outfit/hair combo U described will work well, Becks.
Dunc sez he'z been having 'puter trubs but will post when he can. He'z got sum stuff 2 tell abt drama club, Zandra, & his cats.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:02 AM
13 Comments:
At 11:24 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, i just saw jeremy betw classes & he told me his mom is making him go w/her 2 a workshop on building balsa-wood boats. the workshop is @ the community centre 2morrow, & guess who's giving it? yep, dr. john patterson, dds. ::cringe::
apes
At 12:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, thanks for the compliment on my appearance. Howard is right that pumping iron is a great stress reliever. It really helps take my mind off Maynard. And those delicious breakfasts don't hurt, either!
Howard is trying to talk me into going to that workshop on making balsa-wood boats, but I said it might not be the best idea. He thought it might be a good way to unwind on weekends, especially on days you're letting your muscles rest.
Marjee
At 1:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, yes. let every1 know. i hafta learn ‘bout buildin’ balsa-wood boats w/my mom. she sed, “will april patterson b there?” i sed, “if she iz smart she won’t b.” i hope ur smart, april.
ur dad haz alreddy seen the sign-up list 4 the workshop. wen i wuz walkin’ 2 skool this morning he drove up n this ginormous truck b-side me & sed, “jeremy, a surly & ragin’ teenager iz just wut i need @the balsa-wood boat workshop.” i sed, “ur not gonna make me ride n that truck ru?” ur dad sed, “no there is only enuff passenger space 4 mr. mayes & hiz rather large friend.” i sed, “thass gud.” he sed, “i don’t look like an old retired guy, do i?” i sed, “it wud help if u took off that toque, but no, not really. u look like ur middle-aged, kinda n ur 50s.” ur dad sed, “well which iz it? retired or middle-aged? most peeps n mboro retire n their 50s.” i sed, “middle-aged.” ur dad sed, “thanx. jeremy. just wut i wanted 2 hear. i think i am going 2 buy this truck. i just need 2 get elly’s approval.” i heard mr. mayez groan rilly loudly wen he heard that. he musta had sumthin’ upset his stomach.
@lunch, i wuz tryin’ 2 xxplain 2 shannon lake ‘bout wut happened w/eva & me ovah march break. shannon sed, “no1…cud…c…eva…but…u…&…she…wuz…stayin’…n…ur…room?” eva sed, “it spooked me out.” shannon sed, “did…u…like…havin’…eva…there…while…we…were…away…@break, jeremy?” i sed, “i guess.” eva sed, “jeremy wuz a life-saver. i cudn’t have managed on my own. it wuz more comfortable w/sum1 else n the house who cud c me. especially @night! wen extraordinary things happ it can rilly spook u out! i wuz alwayz afraid i wud disappear, so i woke up jeremy a lot 2 ask him if he cud still c me.” i sed, “i sleep a lot bettah now peeps can c eva again.” shannon sed, “spooky. sumtymez…i…wish…peeps…cudn’t…c…me, but…not…nemore. look! there…iz…a…raccoon.” i sed, “where?” shannon sed, “that…a-girl…w/the…mascara…all…‘round…her…eyez…comin’…ovah…here.” eva sed, “i so glad i am not an a-girl nemore.” the a-girl stopped @the table. eva sed, “hello avery. nice makeup.” avery sed, “thanx. i try 2 do mine like ashlee simpson.” shannon sed, “i…gotta…go. she’z…spookin’…me…out. looks…like…a…zombie.”
avery sed, “jeremy, i heard becky mcguire broke up w/u.” i sed, “thass rite.” the a-girl sed, “so do u wanna go out?” i sed, “u gotta have ur mom talk 2 my mom. she iz doin’ a matchmaker thing now.” avery sed, “wtf iz that?” eva sed, “it’s wen the momz set up the guy & girl on the d8. jeremy haz a d8 w/chelsea chasteté 2nite hiz mom & chelsea’z mom set up.” avery sed, “chelsea hadda big fite w/alice moinonplus rite aftah drew fontaine broke up w/her.” i sed, “i know. every1 saw it.” avery sed, “thass ur d8, eh?” i sed, “thass who it iz.” avery sed, “she’z grade 11. i think mebbe i shud have my mom talk 2 ur mom.” i sed, “if u wanna.” avery sed, “i do wanna. i still needa bf 2 mprove my position w/the a-girlz.” az she left, she wuz on her cell sayin’, “mom. there’z sumthin’ i want. no it’z not anothah pink fone.”
eva sed, “wutya mean ‘if u wanna’? i thot u didn’t like her.” i sed, “she nvited herself 2 my house once & my mom h8ed her. there iz no way my mom wud set me on a d8 w/her.” eva sed, “thass gud. u almost spooked me out 4 a minute.” i sed, “it wud be an extraordinary thing if hadda go on a d8 w/avery.” thass wut lunch wuz like. ttyl.
At 1:29 PM,
howard said…
April,
At Sugar’s salon, I had a visit. Beatrice Alfarero and Moira Kinney came into the salon and said to me, “Howard. We have a big favour to ask you.” I said, “What’s that?” Moira Kinney said, “We thought we had found all the model trains in Lilliputs and removed them while Dr. Patterson was on his vacation, but this morning we found some more. We are planning on taking them out of Lilliputs while he is doing a workshop on building balsa-wood boats.” I said, “A workshop on building balsa-wood boats by Dr. John Patterson. That spooks me out. I pity the poor people who attend that.” Moira said, “Apparently most people have the same opinion you do, so Dr. Patterson is thinking about canceling the workshop. But if he has 2 more people sign up, then he won’t cancel and Bea and I can get those trains out without attracting his attention.” I said, “Couldn’t you just do it in the middle of the night?” Beatrice said, “You don’t know about Dr. Patterson and his trains Howard. It’s like he has a sixth sense about them. It’s spooky.” Moira said, “While he was in Mexico, every time we touched them, he seemed to know and he would call. Fortunately, we were able to distract him by spending a lot of time finalizing the sale of Lilliputs with Elly over the phone.”
I said, “I guess the favour is you want me to sign up for the seminar.” Moira said, “I know it’s a lot to ask.” Beatrice said, “Would you do it for me, Howard?” I said, “OK. I’ll ask Marjee to go with me. That way it might be tolerable.” Beatrice said, “Marjee. Here in the salon? That Marjee? Are you dating Marjee?” I said, “Marjee is my free weight workout buddy. I am currently unattached.” Beatrice said, “Good. I mean it’s good you have a workout buddy.” Well, I have been trying to convince Marjee to go with me ever since. I think she has almost said yes, but she has some conditions. Are you going to be there?
Howard K.
At 2:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your mother’s makeup making her look like a zombie. That must have been very funny. I have seen zombie movies like Dawn of the Dead, but my favourites are ones you might not know like: Zombie Honeymoon, Zombie High, I Was a Teenage Zombie, I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I., Space Zombie Bingo, Zombie Beach Party, Zombie Campout, Zombie Ninja Gangbangers, Zombie Vegetarians, Get Along Little Zombie, Z: A Zombie Musical and of course Canadian Zombie and Zombie Cop. Someday, your sister may come to my place in Otter County and I can show her my DVD collection. She likes the same music, movies and outdoor activities that I do. I think Shiimsa would like them too.
Among the the Ojibiway and other Indian groups, the most famous monster is the Wendigo. The Wendigo is a very strong giant, who stalks hunters, attacking them at night while making horrible sounds. There have only been a few Wendigo movies like: Wendigo and Frostbiter: Wrath of the Wendigo. Zombies are much more popular than Wendigo. I blame Hollywood for ignoring the movie potential for an Ojibway monster movie.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:47 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, i won't b @ the workshop. dunc & i already made planz @ the same time as the workshop. since dunc's been getting in2 goth music l8ly, he wants me 2 work w/him on sum goth songz he's writing.
paul, that's a v. interesting story abt the ojibway monsterz.
jeremy, glad u didn't hafta ride w/my dad again! sorry i mentioned the thing abt the workshop. i didn't mean 2 embarrass u.
apes
At 3:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
As Howard mentioned, I've got conditions about going to that workshop on making little boaties out of balsa.
First, I want Howard to take me on a shopping spree. With my newly buff body, my clothes aren't fitting right anymore. Besides being loose, they just hang wrong. And I know Howard has marvelous taste in clothing.
Second, I want him to help me write a letter to Maynard to let him know for sure we are over. Howard is much better with words than I am.
That's all!
Marjee
At 5:08 PM,
howard said…
April,
Marjee and I are shopping for clothes and I mean a complete wardrobe change, work, casual, formal and sleepwear. Her taste is clothes has been a little, there’s no nice way to say it, but dark and dismal. With her skin tones, she can wear some very bright colours and look fabulous in them. She also has dropped 2 dress sizes, so we have to find things which are comfortable but form-fitting. After all, if you are going to have a figure, you should show it off. I am going to accentuate her beautiful back and legs. As always with Marjee, her breasts are a problem. Since she has been amply supplied, the clothes have to hit them just right or she looks like a nun or she looks like a slut. It would be so much easier if she were flat-chested. I am reminded why professional models look the way they do.
Marjee just finished trying on a dress she should wear for work. I was tugging on it to check the fit and she looked at herself in the mirror. She said, “Howard. Is this really me?” I said, “I guess.” Marjee said, “I always thought I could manage on my own, but I am really comfortable with someone else helping me shop. Especially for work clothes. Sometimes I want to buy a nice outfit for work, and it really spooks me out!” I said, “What?” Marjee said, “I look in the mirror and there is this businesswoman looking at me. I don’t think I should dress that way. When I was with Maynard, I wore a lot of thrift shop clothing.” I said, “Believe me; I am well aware of your prior clothing habits. However, this isn’t a woman’s business suit you are wearing. It is a pretty, simple dress that happens to have some bright colours, enough style so it’s not boring and it’s on sale, which means it’s within your budget. It says, ‘I am responsible and I look good too.’” Marjee said, “I don’t know if it’s me.” I said, “You are not going back to wearing dark plaids. Not on my watch. You are a sexy, beautiful woman, and I am tired of being the only one who knows it.” Marjee got a little misty and said, “You’re right Howard. No more frumpy for me. I deserve more.”
Marjee is trying on some more clothes now. I am trying to write up a letter to Maynard for her that will let him know she is over him. It is difficult, because I cannot use difficult words. Also, if I write something to get the point across clearly, like “If you come around me again, I am going to beat you over the head with a frying pan until you are dead,” it may come across too harshly. However, I am afraid that anything less stern like “We’re over. We’re through. I never want to see you again.” Maynard will not take it seriously. It is tough to write something to get a point across to someone as thick-headed as Maynard. Any ideas?
Howard K.
At 5:21 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, w/maynard, do u think mayB a song wd help? like carol king's "it's 2 l8"?
apes
At 6:15 PM,
howard said…
April,
The song is nice, but it's too subtle. We are talking about communicating with a guy to whom Marjee has already been refusing calls and he still keeps calling. I am beginning to think the "frying pan to the head until you are dead" idea might not be straightforward enough.
Marjee and I finished shopping and the difference in her attitude when she wears her new clothes is striking. Heads were turning, and not just men’s heads. I dropped her off at her place, then I cleaned house and made supper for Krystle (Becky’s mom), Becky and Dr. McCauley and the 3 dogs, and now I am at getting ready to do my 2 shows at the Valhalla, Becky’s dad’s supper club. Becky is supposed to be headlining this place on the weekends, but Thorvald has been putting it off for some reason I have not been able to get out of him. He already has the perfect audience for her: Old people with money to support her financially and then gays to project her into superstardom. I don’t know why he is waiting. Well, I have to get into costume now. I will write after I finish my shows.
Howard K.
At 6:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, ur not gonna b-lieve this. my mom & chelsea chasteté’s mom r comin’ on our d8. we r gonna meet them 4 dinner & a show @sum theatre (but not @the valhalla). my mom haz nformed me she iz gonna take a "firm hand w/my d8ing behaviour & let me know wut i am doin’ wrong, so i won't b like my dad." just kill me now.
At 7:03 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, jeremy, how awful! u know, i just remembered, yr mom was in the bookstore yesterday. i tried w8ing on her, but she was all, "no thanks, i'll w8 until a grown-up can help me. i don't want u tellin' that clueless son of mine what i'm buying." then she talked w/moira & bea a coupla mins b4 bea led her in2 the self-help aisle. mayB if u find whatev book(s) she bot, u can b, like a step ahead of her, eh?
apes
At 3:08 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, my mom & i met chelsea chasteté & her mother 4 dinner @the eats diner. it went kind of like this:
mrs. chasteté: mme jones. c'est ma fille, chelsea. chelsea, offer your hand à m. et à mme jones. your son, est-il jeremy ce garçon nice-looking in the parking lot?
mom: no. my son, jeremy iz standing next 2 me. jeremy offer ur hand 2 mrs. chasteté & chelsea. try 2b friendly.
me: {i put out my hand 2 mrs. chasteté.}
mrs. chasteté: est-ce qu'cette some sorte of plaisanterie? this man is 40 years old.
chelsea: maman. i keep trying to tell you. les garçons de milborough look older than des garçons du québec.
mrs. chasteté: ton père looks younger than he does.
chelsea: maman. try to be polite.
mom: shall we sit? jeremy b sure 2 seat mrs. chasteté & chelsea.
me: what do you mean?
mom: scoot their chairs under the table.
me: {i scoot the chairs.}
mom: after they r seated n them.
me: sorry.
{the waiter came by to take our orders. then the conversation continued.}
mom: jeremy. say something nice 2 chelsea ‘bout her appearance.
me: all right. chelsea u look hott.
chelsea: merci, jeremy.
mom: jeremy. can u do that nemore tactlessly?
me: i guess so. chelsea, i like the way ur body looks n that tite dress.
mom: jeremy. no. no. that wuz sarcasm. tell chelsea she looks nice n a polite & sweet way.
me: all right. chelsea u look sweet.
chelsea: merci, jeremy.
mrs. chasteté: chelsea, peut-être vous avez something nice you can say about jeremy?
chelsea: bien. jeremy, you smell better than usual.
mrs. chasteté: arghh! mrs. jones. you see pourquoi i am matchmaking?
mom: i know just how u feel. the kids 2day have no idea how 2 even give someone a compliment.
mrs. chasteté: mon chelsea est un embarras constant. just this week, she had a fight énorme with the daughter de ma chum de fille, mrs. moinonplus in the school and i was called.
mom: i can’t tell u how many tymez i have been called ‘bout jeremy?
chelsea: maman. peut-il jeremy et je take a walk until the food comes?
mrs. chasteté: you see? she interrupts me while i am talking. elle est très grossière.
mom: i have the same problem w/jeremy practically every day. he iz just like hiz father.
me: mom. chelsea & i r gonna take a walk. we’ll be back n time 4 dinner.
{so chelsea and i left for a little walk outside.}
me: i’m really sorry ‘bout that. mom iz kinda obsessed w/me not b-ing like my dad.
chelsea: i have the même problème. votre papa plays country western music. is that correct?
me: thass right. the most famous jones n country musick next 2 george jones, tom jones, and grandpa jones.
chelsea: avez-vous some of his music you can play me?
me: sure. i have some cds in our car.
{we get n2 the car & turn on the cd player w/my dad’s musick.}
chelsea: c'est une chanson très jolie.
me: it is one of my favourites. it’s called sometymez i don’t hate my ex- and her brat az much.
{we are quiet for a minute.}
me: would it b2 personal 2 ask wut happed between u & alice moinonplus?
chelsea: alice was going to beg drew fontaine for forgiveness for getting caught cheating en français. i told her drew was a creep and she was better off without him. alice did not want to hear the truth.
me: this may sound strange, but i really like girlz who tell the truth.
chelsea: tu l’aime when i said you did not smell as bad as usual?
me: it wuz true. i took a shower b4 i came here. i am rilly n2 tellin’ the truth.
chelsea: moi aussi. is it because of your papa?
me: yes. he told a lotta liez, so i don’t evah wanna lie again, if i can help it.
chelsea: that is très cool. jeremy, lean over.
me: which way?
chelsea: vers moi.
me: {i lean over.} now what?
chelsea: embrassez-moi.
me: {i kiss her.}
chelsea: je ne vous ai pas tell you to stop.
me: {i kiss her some more.}
{then i made the mistake of looking back in eats diner at my mom.}
me: holy crap!
chelsea: pas tu l'aime ?
me: yes i did like it, but my mom and your mom are fighting.
chelsea: wtf?
{we ran back n2 the restaurant, az the waiterz were separating my mom & mrs. chasteté. az we got n, this iz wut wuz b-ing sed.}
mrs. chasteté: ma fille will never date any garçon la mère fucké a voté pour stephen harper.
mom: you quebecois have run this country for long enough. besides, stephen harper was born right in toronto. he’s local and a lot better than any quebecois p.m.
mrs. chasteté: chelsea. nous allons. you are to never see ce garçon again.
mom: good riddance az far az i am concerned. let’s go jeremy.
me: can’t we stay and eat our food?
mom: jeremy we are being thrown out, thanks to that liberal party-loving mrs. chasteté.
so, that’s how the evening went. not too well.
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