Work/Works
So, now I have a new e-mail from Dee, about what happed when Mike got home fr. driving my parents back fr. the airport.
Becks, soundz like U & Drew had a v. v. cube d8 last nite. & Howard, congrats on getting the Valhalla so nice & having such a well rec'd performance last nite!
Apes
'April'!Aw, man, she's not kidding about the focusing on me. But I guess it's good we won't hafta hear endlessly about the bookstore being sold or Dad deciding whether or not to sell his st00pid car. And Jeremy won't hafta keep worrying about my dad taking him 4 testdrives. At least once he's got his new vehicle. I guess there's gonna be a testdrive danger 4 a lil while longer.
So after your 'brother' was at the 'airport' all day Monday and for a large chunk of the night, he finally returned. I don't know why he didn't leave the 'airport' and go back, once he realized that your 'mother' and 'father' had mixed up the AM and PM on the ETA. But that's your 'brother', I guess.
So, when 'Michael' walked in the door and began removing his jacket, I asked, "How are your folks?" I find pretending to 'care' about these things can be 'helfpul'. And 'Michael' responded, "Fine. They had a wonderful time in Mexico." Then he slung his jacket over his 'shoulder' and said, "Mom finalized the book store sale to Moira, and Dad made arrangements with Gordon to trade in his car." As he was 'hanging' up his jacket in the 'closet', I noticed his butt looked odd and very big. Anyway, as he was 'doing' that, he said, "They both answered e-mail, completed the household bookkeeping and Dad made a model boat out of balsa wood." For some reason, I said "Whoa!--" Just like Keanu Reeves, Everett Callahan, Elliot Everett and, recently, you. And Moira recently? It's hard to remember, but 'why' are we all saying that lately? Anyway, next I said, "That doesn't sound like a holiday--that sounds like work!" And your 'brother' quipped, "...Works for them," as we walked away from the closet, his arm on my shoulder. I asked, "Mike, why must you make a weak pun on 'work' and 'works' like that?" And he said, "Weak pun? That's golden Patterson wordplay! People love Patterson wordplay!" And I said, "Who told you that, your parents?" And he 'said', "Yes, why do you ask?" I shrugged and he said, "Well, if you think my parents' vacation sounds like work, imagine having to hear them telling you about it all the way from the Toronto airport to the house in Milborough!" And I said, "You poor thing! Have some boiled carrots, I kept them warm for you. And leftovers-ambrosia soup!"
Oh, well, 'April', with the store actually 'sold' and the Bushwacker 'traded', I guess your 'parents' will have to find new topics to focus on in the monthly 'letters'. I guess you'll have to brace 'yourself' in case that means they'll focus on 'you' more.
Best,
'Dee'
Becks, soundz like U & Drew had a v. v. cube d8 last nite. & Howard, congrats on getting the Valhalla so nice & having such a well rec'd performance last nite!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:00 AM
8 Comments:
At 1:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, that's v. cube! i did notice u seemed kinda floaty & v. happy when i saw u a few mins. ago!
apes
At 3:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
Howdy, April. I thought I'd post on this blog because I learned through the old grapevine that Maynard wrote here yesterday. I can't wait for the boy to get sprung from the bighouse. We got a lot of video poker to play! Good thing you don't use real money in the game, since Maynard isn't the wisest with a dollar. Did Marjee tell you about his counterfeiting scheme with the inkjet printer? Pitiable. And he better not slander my special lady, because I'll have to open an economy-size can of whup-ass on his Scots-Irish butt. She got dentures now anyway.
So I dropped out of the 10th grade. I still spell better than that Drew Fountain boy.
Anyhoo, I start my new job at the Milborough Seniors Retirement Palace next week. I want Maynard to know that too. Management forgot the whole fight situation and let me work in the cafeteria. And they didn't make me take a certain test, if you get my drift. I don't have to cut my hair either. The hairnet looks kind of stupid, though. Still, it's cool--I stand behind a sneeze guard so I don't have old folks drooling on me.
If Maynard had an email address, I'd write him there. But thanx mucho for letting me post here.
Later,
Cyrus
At 5:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
Omigod, I was trying to forget about the counterfeiting thing, Cyrus! Nardo tries to call me collect every night lately, but I refuse to accept the charges. Maybe instead of trying to call me, he can call you, since you actually want to be in touch with him.
Thanks again for the scrumptious brekkie yesterday, Howard, and sorry I overdid it with all the thanking.
Marjee
At 7:19 PM,
April Patterson said…
it's cube that he wants another d8! do u think u'll go 2 the valhalla again 4 the next 1?
apes
At 7:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, rebeccah seemz so happy with drew fontaine, a lot happier than she evah wuz w/me. i can rilly c the diffrence & now it all makes sense y i wuz nevah good enuff 2b a real bf instead of all thoze othah thingz rebeccah called me. i think i shud be mad, but c-ing rebeccah n a good mood & skippin’ & whistlin’ & hummin’ kinda makes me happy n a weird kinda way. eva (u remembah her?) & shannon lake & i had lunch 2gethah wen rebeccah sorta danced by & showed us the drew fontaine poetry she had. actually she wuz showin’ it 2 ‘bout ne1 who wud look. i sed, “so that’s wut rebeccah looks like wen she iz n luv.” shannon sed, “that…duzn’t…look…like…luv-that…looks…like…work! all…that…hummin’…&…skippin’.” i sed, “i guess it works for her.” eva sed, “so u2r officially broke up?” i sed, “yes. rebeccah sed she can’t b w/a bf who keeps an invisible girl n hiz room.” shannon sed, “2…picky. i…cudn’t…b…w/ne…guy…who…wuz…jealous…of…justin.” eva sed, “i’m so sorry jeremy. shud i talk 2 her?” i sed, “no. rebeccah iz the happiest i have evah seen her. ‘sidez, my mom sed she iz n charge of my luv life frum now on.” eva sed, “rite. ur d8 2morrow w/ chelsea chasteté.” shannon sed, “i…wish…my…mom…wud…set…me…up…on…d8s.” i sed, “well if u wanna go out u w/me gotta have ur mom talk 2 my mom.” shannon sed, “u’d…go…out…w/me?” i sed, “of course. nobody haz touched my locker & i know they have tried & it’s all cuz of u. i consider u my best bud n skool rite now, next 2 eva.” shannon started sobbin’ a little. she sed, “ur…nice…&…ur…evn…havin’…lunch…w/me. othah…peeps…r…sumtymez…nice…2…me, but…they…don’t…ask…me…2…eat…lunch…w/them.” i sed, “eva iz havin’ lunch w/u2.” shannon sobbed a little more. i sed, “i am no good w/cryin’ girlz.” eva sed, “thass the truth. stop pattin’ her like a dog, jeremy.” i stopped.
aftah skool, a rilly weird thing happened. az i wuz walkin’ home, this station wagon pulled up b-side me, & @1st i thot it wuz ur dad, so i started runnin’. it drives up n fronta me & this big goon gets out & so duz gordon mayes. he sed, “if u know wut’s gud 4u, u’ll get n the car.” so i got n the car & who wuz there but ur dad drivin’. gordon sed, “jeremy jones. dr. patterson here made arrangements w/me 2 trade n hiz car & he had this crayzee idea he cud do a test drive while he wuz on vacation n mexico. i finally convinced him u hafta do test drivez n the car u actually plan 2 buy. so here we r.” i sed, “wutya need me 4?” ur dad sed, “i can’t buy a car unless i do a test drive w/u jeremy. i need that unbiased surly, ragin’ teenager opinion 4 a famly vehicle & there iz no teenager more ragin’ & surly than u.” the goon sed, “that wuz a compliment. say ‘thank you.’” i sed, “thank you.”
ur dad started drivin’. he sed, “this station wagon haz all wheel drive 4 the snow, & it haz the space 2 haul junk. wutya think of the fancy attachments like spoilers & hood scoops? duz it make u think, ‘this guy iz hott?’ i don’t want ne1 2 have an image of ‘old retired guy’.” gordon sed, “answer the man, jeremy.” i sed, “do i give a real answer or the 1 mr. mayez wunts?” ur dad sed, “i need an honest opinion frum a ragin’, surly teenager.” i sed, “all rite. dr. p, az a ragin’, surly teenage i gotta say, there iz no station wagon n the world that duzn’t scream ‘old retired guy.’ if u wanna haul stuff & have all wheel drive & look cube, u need a big truck.” the goon sed, “shud i hit him now, boss?” gordon sed, “no. the kid iz absolutely rite, dr. p., a big truck, & 1 w/all the details & appointments 2 make it look like ur a hott guy iz only ‘bout $10k more xxpensive than a station wagon, but it iz a value. the payload iz much larger than a station wagon & the engine haz more horses 4 haulin’ junk. i think ur friend jeremy iz absolutely rite.” ur dad sed, “i dunno, gordon. mebbe i shud take anothah vacation & think ‘bout it. i kinda had my heart set on a station wagon.” gordon sed, “ur wife haz a station wagon. ur a guy. u need sumthin’ bigger & more xxpensive.” we were drivin’ n my neighbourhood, so i sed, “this iz my house. ru done w/me?” gordon sed, “dr. p. ru finished w/the kid?” ur dad sed, “oh. i suppoze so. a truck. it duz have a nice sound 2 it. the 1st 2 lettahs r like the word ‘train.’” then they let me outa the station wagon n fronta my house. so, i hadda test drive w/ur dad neway. it wuzn’t az bad az last tyme.
At 7:29 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, jeremy, i'm sorry 2 hear gordo scared u like that. i hope dad gets his trade-in dun soon so no1 hasta hear abt it nemore.
i was wondering y shannon looked liked she'd been crying when i saw her after lunch. @ least it wasn't over sumthin' bad.
& y wdn't i remember eva?
apes
At 1:36 AM,
howard said…
April,
I had another interesting day. I must admit I am so busy now, it is difficult to find time to post to let you know what is going on, at least the things Becky has not already told you. The opening night at the Valhalla was quite successful, if the line for the shamp-Ohs this morning was any indication. Sugar had to yell at me, “Howard. I want those women screaming from shamp-Ohs not from butt-signing.” Sugar was secretly very pleased at the increase in business and wants me to wear more revealing dresses at work.
Marjee is becoming more and more concerned about Maynard, since he calls her collect every night. I have been making breakfast for her each day, as a part of my agreement with her, Becky, Krystle McGuire (Becky’s mom) and Dr. McCauley so they would stop proposing marriage to me. The breakfast seems to settle her down quite a bit, probably from the sugar rush.
There was one other interesting thing I noticed on the way to work. Lilliput’s had a sign up which read, “Now Under New Management, Eat Pastries Without Fear”. You probably saw it when you went to work, but I am not sure, since you did not mention your job in your posts today. However, I did see quite a few people reading books in the reading area of the store and eating pastries, which I will have to admit I had not seen before in Lilliputs, with one key exception that you know.
The show last night at the Valhalla was so popular, Thorvald wanted me to add a show later in the evening for a “more discriminating audience.” This means I have to come to Becky’s to clean and serve supper to her and Dr. McCauley and Krystle, then go to the Valhalla for 2 shows, and then meet Marjee to work out with free weights, which is such a great tension release I practically consider it a holiday. Becky says, “That doesn’t sound like a holiday-that sounds like work!” But it works for me and Marjee. April, I do not know if you have seen Marjee lately, but she really looks good. She is very buff and toned. If I were straight, I would definitely be attracted to her.
The earlier show at the Valhalla is geared toward the older Milborough crowd and my apparently increasing old lady fanbase. The later show, as you might expect, is for the Milborough gay audience. Oddly enough, I think I prefer the old ladies. They don’t pinch as hard as the gay guys and they are nicer. I was singing and doing my still and naked tableaus when Orque released a mouse on the stage, presumably to make me not as still. Well, I know how to deal with rodents (particularly non electrified ones). Orque was not happy when I marched off the stage, mouse in hand and shoved it down the front of his pants of his maitre d outfit. The audience however was quite happy and cheered for a long time. Old ladies don’t like mice very much either. Orque was walking with a limp for the rest of the evening.
Thorvald was quite inquisitive about Becky tonight. He said, “Is she going out again with the boy who gave her those hickies last night?” I said, “I think they have a study date for Saturday afternoon.” Thorvald said, “By Odin’s beard, an intellectual and an athlete. Becky-Thora may have chosen well. You will be monitoring them, Howard?” I said, “If Becky needs my assistance, I will be there in seconds.” Thorvald said, “I wish you to have the all-seeing eyes of Heimdall, guardian of the Rainbow Bridge, upon them. I am counting on you Howard.” I said, “I won’t let you down, Thorvald.” Oh, and good news. Thorvald’s wife Thora came to my early show and she seemed to be in a fine mood and was shouting all sorts of encouragement to me during my show like “Hang ‘em low Howie” and “I think I see a ballsy Valkyrie (when I was singing Brunhilda’s aria).”
After I got home and did my workout with Marjee, I found Becky trying to put together a study date outfit. She was saying, “Glasses. Howie. Smart girls usually wear glasses. Do you have any clear lens glasses?” I said, “I have drama glasses, Becky. But do you really think Drew is coming over here to study?” Becky said, “A little bit maybe.” I said, “I told Thorvald I would keep an eye on you during your date.” Becky said, “Oh my God, Howie. You’re not going to spy on us, are you?” I said, “No. My plan is only to be in earshot, so if your boyfriend tries to go a little too far, I can hand you a frying pan through the door.” Becky said, “Good. I am so excited about Drew. He wrote me poetry. Do you want to see it?” I said, “Very much so, please.” So Becky showed me the poems. I said, “As a poet, he is young and inexperienced, but I definitely approve of the sentiment. I have an idea for the study date. I braid your hair schoolgirl style and you skip the glasses. Then when you get to the point where you are tired of studying, then you take your hair down.” Becky said, “You are practically evil Howard.” I said, “I know what boys like. I am practically irresistible when I wear one of my long-haired wigs.”
That was my day,
Howard K.
At 1:55 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your brother and picking up your parents at the airport. Since your sister likes me to be open and honest, I will admit your parent’s choice of things they did at a beach resort in Baja, Mexico would not be my choices. I agree with your sister-in-law’s opinion. I think this is good, since I would like to be your brother-in-law someday. Your sister-in-law sounds like a good cook with her boiled carrots and leftovers-ambrosia soup. Maybe I will get to sample her cooking someday.
The Ojibway take time seriously and have 22 words to describe the different things time can mean. You may have heard the phrase “Indian Time” which means we do things “about” a certain time, but not exactly. Things still get done, but it is more relaxed. If your sister and I ever take a trip to Baja, Mexico, we will not spend any time on trading my car or selling a business. We will be on Indian time.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
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