165, eh?
Peeps, it looks like I'm prolly gonna B tellin' U stuff abt Gramps's b-day all week in my blog entriez. Sorry in advance, yo.
After Gramps had opened the prezziez, an' every1 had finished their b-day cake, I was helping Iris in the kitchen while Mom, Dad, Dee, Mike, and Gramps sat around yakkin' & the littlez played. Mom was all, "U don't look yr age, Dad. No1 wd guess U were 85." Gramps was all "Really." Like he can't trust a word Mom sez, & I guess no1 blames him 4 that. Then he went, "Meredith--how old do U think I am?" Merrie sed, "Um? A hunnerd an ... sixty-five!" Which is kinda weird fr. a 3.5yo. Most kidz I know that age, if U play the "guess how old I am" thing will stick 2 a number betw 1 & 10, cuz they're all in2 the whole "I'm this many yrs old" & holding up their fingerz. I remember babysitting a 4yo who cdn't, like, believe I was more years old than I had fingerz 2 show! Of course, Merrie speaks in complete paragraphs and refers 2 her parents as "Mother" & "Father" sumtymez, so U can't go by her w/the whole normal child-development thing. NEway, after that, Iris poked her head in2 the LR & Gramps sed "It's nice, 4 once, 2 feel younger than I look!"
Becks, the outfit Howard picked out 4 U, 4 yr d8, soundz cube. Totally NOT cube that yr Dad's all sayin' I'm gonna B fat an' haggy sumday. Mom is NOT my destiny! NOT! I wish peeps wd get that thru their headz. Congrats on getting yr Dad 2 agree 2 let U perform on the wkendz like he was supposta. Ger, let's get our calendars & plan a whole buncha weekend d8s so yr bud Thorvald can stop having the wrong idea, eh?
Apes
After Gramps had opened the prezziez, an' every1 had finished their b-day cake, I was helping Iris in the kitchen while Mom, Dad, Dee, Mike, and Gramps sat around yakkin' & the littlez played. Mom was all, "U don't look yr age, Dad. No1 wd guess U were 85." Gramps was all "Really." Like he can't trust a word Mom sez, & I guess no1 blames him 4 that. Then he went, "Meredith--how old do U think I am?" Merrie sed, "Um? A hunnerd an ... sixty-five!" Which is kinda weird fr. a 3.5yo. Most kidz I know that age, if U play the "guess how old I am" thing will stick 2 a number betw 1 & 10, cuz they're all in2 the whole "I'm this many yrs old" & holding up their fingerz. I remember babysitting a 4yo who cdn't, like, believe I was more years old than I had fingerz 2 show! Of course, Merrie speaks in complete paragraphs and refers 2 her parents as "Mother" & "Father" sumtymez, so U can't go by her w/the whole normal child-development thing. NEway, after that, Iris poked her head in2 the LR & Gramps sed "It's nice, 4 once, 2 feel younger than I look!"
Becks, the outfit Howard picked out 4 U, 4 yr d8, soundz cube. Totally NOT cube that yr Dad's all sayin' I'm gonna B fat an' haggy sumday. Mom is NOT my destiny! NOT! I wish peeps wd get that thru their headz. Congrats on getting yr Dad 2 agree 2 let U perform on the wkendz like he was supposta. Ger, let's get our calendars & plan a whole buncha weekend d8s so yr bud Thorvald can stop having the wrong idea, eh?
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:57 AM
13 Comments:
At 11:17 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i dunno ‘bout kids not b-ing able 2 pick big numbahz 2 guess ages. the last tyme i wuz n the park & i wuz w/the girl who usedta b my gf, she asked kids n the park how old they thot i wuz & thoze kids had no problem comin’ up w/numbahz higher than the number of their fingahz & toez. ur grandpa haz it ez. 165 is less than 2x his age. most of the kidz guessed ages that were more than 3x my age.
At 11:36 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your mishomis (grandfather’s) birthday again. I see I must apologize for my open and honest criticism of your writing yesterday. You are clearly seeking to honour your mishomis (grandfather) by telling a story how his great granddaughter has complimented his wisdom, by exaggerating his age. I think your plan to write about your mishomis (grandfather) this week is a fine way for you to honour him. I wish more of my people would honour their aanikoobijigan (grandparents) as you do, with stories about them. I admire what you are doing.
I also read you are concerned about your appearance. Based on the pictures your sister has, my opinion is you are an attractive oshkiniigikwe (young lady). Your mother is also a handsome woman, and there would be no shame in looking like her when you get to be her age. I expect your sister will look like your mother when she gets older, and it only makes me love her more.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 12:24 PM,
howard said…
April,
I got up and made Dr. McCauley, Becky, and Krystle (Becky’s mom) breakfast. I dropped Becky off at school. I delivered breakfast to my lawyer, Lauren Iowa. It was 5 points on Weight Watchers, because I put it in a pita to help it travel better. Then I went to Thora’s house to give her a shampoo and full body massage. She seemed clean and relaxed after I was done. She asked me if I could feel the baby kicking during the massage. I said, “No. You’ve only been pregnant a month.” She seemed a little disappointed by that.
Then it was off to Sugar’s salon and giving Marjee her breakfast. She said to me, “Howard---How old do you think I am?” One thing I have learned over the years is that this question is a trap. If the person wants to think they are older and more mature, then they want to you to say older than they are. If the person is worried about aging, then they want to you say younger. The best thing to do is to confuse them with facts. So I said to Marjee, “You are obviously too well built to look like a teenager, and you do not have the crow’s feet that typifies someone over 30. Your cheeks have the thinned out look that I associate with women out of university and eating properly; so I would say you look 25.” Marjee seemed to be very happy about that. She said, “Maynard got that letter you wrote for me to send him and I think he got the message we are through. Probably the part about wanting to disembowel him and feast on his entrails if he called again did it. Of course he called again, not collect this time, and told me I looked old, like a middle-aged hockey mom, and he was thinking of becoming a priest when he got out, all thanks to me. I was feeling a little bad he told me I look middle-aged. 25 is great though. Thanks, Howard. I needed an unbiased opinion.” I was so glad I guessed right.
Howard K.
At 4:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, mr. mirabell & the drama club rehearsal 2day wuz kinda innerestin’. there’z this scene n the play they r doin’ where 1 of the characters rubs on her handz & sez, “yet here’s a spot. out, damned spot! out i say.” it’s a kinda funny line, like sum1 wuz puttin’ a dog named spot outa the house. thass wut i alwayz think 'bout wen she sez it neway.
mr. mirabell sez 2 me, “jeremy. i want u 2 put a tite red spot lite on lady macbeth & she will try to rub off the spot lite, which she can’t do cuz it’s a spot lite & not rilly a spot on her handz. get the joke? it’ll b cute.”
the girl w/the line ‘bout the spot on the handz did not like the spot lite suggestion. she & mr. mirabell had wordz. i think he sed sumthin’ ‘bout her b-ing az inflexible az an 85-yr-old man who looks like he iz 165. it wuz a good fite. u woulda liked it.
neway, i hafta run a follow spot frum the back of the cafetorium durin’ that scene. this show gets more & more complicated, cuz i don’t think mr. mirabell haz had sum1 runnin’ the equipment b4, who knew how it worked. he keeps on comin’ up w/“ideas” & then asks me if i can do them.
there’s this othah scene where the guy playin’ macbeth sez sumthin’ ‘bout “sound & fury signifyin’ nuthin’” mr. mirabell haz me doin’ all kindsa sound fx while he iz talkin’. this iz gonna b 1 freaky show.
At 5:21 PM,
April Patterson said…
paul, no offense, but if i ever start 2 look like my mother, i am either gonna hafta become a hermit or go on that "extreme makeover" show they have in the states. if it still exists then. but there is no way i'm letting that happ, so it's not gonna b an ish.
jeremy, that dram-club stuff soundz lame. dunc told me mr. mirabell was a bit freekee, but i had no idea!
becks, do u need ne help coordinating yr 2 d8's 2nite? u can txt me if u want.
apes
At 5:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
Becks, 2 hott guys, boy does that take me back!
Howard made me feel so much better when he said that about me looking 25. You, of course, know I'm, well, a bit older. But not too much older! Anyway, Nardo sure has a way of making me feel down on myself. Maybe I need to find two hott guys. . . .
Marjee
At 7:27 PM,
howard said…
April,
I got a phone call from my aunt Winnie. I hadn’t spoken to her in awhile since I have been working so many jobs. She said that she was visited by the kids who live upstairs from her (your niece and nephew). There’s was knocking on her door and when she answered, your nephew was there. My aunt said, “Do you want coffee?” Your nephew said, “No. Hide.” Then he came in the apartment and hid himself in a closet. My aunt was a little flustered, but then she heard in the foyer your niece saying, “A hunnerd an...98, a hunnerd an…99, two hunnerd. Ready or not. Here I come.” She went to my aunt and said, “Did writer Robin come in here? Strong Merrie is here to find him.” My aunt pointed to the closet. Your niece went to the closet and said, “Ah ha! Writer Robin has been here. He left grandpa bear on the floor. Grandpa bear eats dog food. That’s why he is on the floor.” She picked up a small stuffed bear and continued looking. My aunt was a bit surprised she didn’t find your nephew. She went to the closet to make sure he was not there. He was not, so my aunt started to panic, until she heard your niece say, “Strong Merrie has found you writer Robin. You’re it now.” My aunt went to the bedroom and saw your nephew lying on his back in their bedroom closet, with his head against the wall, his thumb in his mouth and his legs around my uncle Melville’s black bowling ball. Your niece said, “Writer Robin likes to put his legs around bowling balls. Find the bowling ball. Find Writer Robin.” My aunt showed the kids out of the apartment and locked the door. The next time there was a knock on the door, she ignored it. I thought you might find this story interesting.
Becky is out on her date with Pierce and she looks and smells great. Pierce was a little freaked out when he saw me, because with his red hair, he and I do look a little similar. He said, “Wow. Becky. Your dad has really red hair.” Becky said, “That’s not my dad, Pierce. That’s Howard, my maid and personal chef.” Pierce said, “That’s good to know, because he is wearing a dress and I was afraid he was your mom. Girls grow up to look like their moms you know.” I said, “Thanks a lot for that compliment.” Pierce said, “No, I mean when the mom is pretty, then the girl won’t ugly up. Like Gerald Forsythe, he’s dating April Patterson and he says she is worth it, even though her mom is…” Krystle swooped in and said, “No, baby. I am Becky’s mother. She’s going to grow up to look like me. You don’t have anything to worry about. I’m Krystle and your name is…” Pierce’s eyes were riveted to Krystle’s implants. Becky said, “His name is Pierce, mom and we have to leave right now to go to the Monster Truck Rally.” Krystle said, “I remember my first Monster Truck Rally. I don’t remember if I won or not.” Becky said, “We’re watching, not driving.” Krystle said, “That’s too bad. This fine young man looks like he would be a great driver, front seat or back.” Becky said, “Let’s go Pierce.” Becky dragged Pierce out and whispered to me, “After your shows are done at the Valhalla, I need you here to handle mom and to help me study for an algebra quiz.” So, no dawdling around for me at the Valhalla tonight.
Howard K.
At 8:35 PM,
April Patterson said…
what a weird story abt merrie & robin, howard. mike an' dee shdn't let them wander the bldg like that.
apes
At 9:53 PM,
howard said…
April,
I suppose you're right. It's a weird story and they shouldn't wander around the building. However, because of their wandering, they have a better relationship with my aunt and uncle than your brother and sister-in-law do, who hole up in their apartment and never talk to my aunt and uncle, just write newspaper articles about them and complain to their landlady about them.
I finished up my last show at the Valhalla and I am going home to help out Becky handling her mom and studying for the algebra quiz.
Howard K.
At 10:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, my mom told me my next blind d8 iz w/a girl named dirne aufkleber. she’s grade 10 n our skool. have u heard of her?
At 10:04 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, the only thing i heard is she's sum kinda xchange student?
howard, i guess u have a pt abt merrie & robin having a better relationship w/yr aunt & unk than mike & dee do.
apes
At 1:20 AM,
howard said…
April,
It has been an interesting evening to say the least with Becky and her two men. Becky will want to tell you all the details I am sure. At the moment, I am sewing labels back into designer jeans. Then I plan to lift weights. Lots and lots of weights. Lifting and lifting until the lifting releases the tension induced by this evening.
Howard K.
At 3:16 AM,
howard said…
April,
My grass is ripped up. I know it’s still cold outside and the grass hasn’t really started growing yet, but it is the principle of the thing. Once you have been a dog, you truly understand the importance of good grass. Well manicured and weeded grass is so soft to roll in and it feels great. Even when you are not a dog, it is pretty fantastic, although I try to limit my rolling as a human, so as not to attract unwanted attention. I don’t want to get locked up for mental insanity. The last time that happened was quite unpleasant. By the by, even though Pierce Inverarity looks a little like me, he clearly did not inherit any kind of manners, or he would not have violated my grass with that giant truck of his. I sensed my grass had been harmed tonight and went out to investigate and found much to my surprise; Becky and Drew were kissing beside my torn sod. I did not realize violence to grass excited Becky so much. It was quite disturbing, but I recovered brilliantly and told them to come inside to study.
Becky had told me to be ready to drill her and Drew on algebra and considering the last time they got together, Drew was more interested in studying books than studying Becky (which has to make you wonder a little) I had my best schoolmarm outfit on, which I used to use for…um…opera. That’s it. I used to use it for opera. In any case, it had the appropriate effect on Drew. He called me ma’am several times and was actually a pretty good example for my often manners-free bud, Becky. The boy is a little slow on math, but there is nothing like a guy in drag to spice up an otherwise dull subject like algebra. I highly recommend it.
Becky is definitely smitten by Drew and I will have to admit, so am I. He is so much better than her previous boyfriends. It is like night and day. He says please and thank you. He opened the door for me. It was such different behaviour from most teenage boys I have met in Milborough, I began to wonder if he was one of those Stepford boyfriends. But then he said something with perfectly atrocious grammar and that allayed my fears. Well, that and some weight-lifting. Just before I posted this, I saw Becky doodling and I said, “You left out Mrs. Rebeccah Fontaine.”
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