Gramps' b-day last Tuesday. . . .
OK, so Grampa Jim's b-day was this past Tuesday, but I haven't written abt it yet cuz I heard him say sumthing that really upset me. I've been w8ing until I'm a bit more calm.
We all sang "Happy Birthday" as Gramps gazed @ his cake, which had one candle 'steada 85 candles, cuz I guess 85 wda been 2 much wax. I thot mayB we oughta get an "8" candle & a "5" candle & put 'em 2gether 2 spell 85, but Mom thot that wd B, like, rubbing in his old age 2 much. Whatevs. So as Iris was cutting up the cake, I handed Gramps my gift & sed, "Open yr presents." & Gramps sed, "Whoo! look @ this!" After the prezzies were all open, Gramps was, like, "Books, cookies, a new scarf--and moccasins from Mtigwaki!" He turned to Mom, who was putting the prezzies away, and he sed, "U alwayz told me not 2 spoil my grandchildren, Elly... I'm glad U haven't stopped them from spoiling me!"
OMFG! Mom sed that 2 him? Not 2 spoil his grandkidz? Rn't grandparents supposta spoil their grandkidz? Isn't that, like, part of their job description?!?! What kind of a heartless wench tells her parents not 2 spoil her kidz?!?!?! That's like so wretched! & U know what? I M getting revenge. When I have kidz, do U know what I'm going 2 say? "Don't spoil Grandma Elly." That's what I'm gonna say. I won't say this about their Grandpa John, & I won't say it abt their other g'parents, but I'm gonna say it abt Grandma Elly. That'll show her.
OMG, Howard, I will not say NEthing abt yr sitch xcept OMG! I wish I cd help, tho.
Apes
We all sang "Happy Birthday" as Gramps gazed @ his cake, which had one candle 'steada 85 candles, cuz I guess 85 wda been 2 much wax. I thot mayB we oughta get an "8" candle & a "5" candle & put 'em 2gether 2 spell 85, but Mom thot that wd B, like, rubbing in his old age 2 much. Whatevs. So as Iris was cutting up the cake, I handed Gramps my gift & sed, "Open yr presents." & Gramps sed, "Whoo! look @ this!" After the prezzies were all open, Gramps was, like, "Books, cookies, a new scarf--and moccasins from Mtigwaki!" He turned to Mom, who was putting the prezzies away, and he sed, "U alwayz told me not 2 spoil my grandchildren, Elly... I'm glad U haven't stopped them from spoiling me!"
OMFG! Mom sed that 2 him? Not 2 spoil his grandkidz? Rn't grandparents supposta spoil their grandkidz? Isn't that, like, part of their job description?!?! What kind of a heartless wench tells her parents not 2 spoil her kidz?!?!?! That's like so wretched! & U know what? I M getting revenge. When I have kidz, do U know what I'm going 2 say? "Don't spoil Grandma Elly." That's what I'm gonna say. I won't say this about their Grandpa John, & I won't say it abt their other g'parents, but I'm gonna say it abt Grandma Elly. That'll show her.
OMG, Howard, I will not say NEthing abt yr sitch xcept OMG! I wish I cd help, tho.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:57 AM
15 Comments:
At 12:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your grandfather’s birthday and why you were upset with your mother and the revenge you plan for her. Your mother is a fine woman who raises you and protects you. I hope you will reconsider.
Your people are very different from mine. With the Ojibway people, a grandparent’s responsibility to a child is to teach the old ways so they will not be forgotten. For example, my mishomis (grandfather) told me that every star represents the spirit of someone who’s passed away. It is an old Ojibway belief, and a great pickup line. My mishomis (grandfather) said it worked on my nokomis (grandmother) and I think it worked on your sister too.
The Ojibway grandparents do not spoil their grandchildren. The sign of a good family is many grandchildren. Too many to spoil, but important to teach. If your grandfather had his birthday in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), we would honour a man of his age and wisdom with many eagle feathers and tell great stories about him.
Your sister and I shopped for your grandfather’s moccasins together. The Ojibway moccasin has a soft sole, and soft uppers, and is made of buckskin leather. My people are very proud of their moccasins. You may not know this but the word “Ojibway” according to some, means "people of the puckered moccasin." The name is from a word meaning to roast till puckered or drawn up, in reference, to a peculiar seam in the Ojibway moccasins over the toe. This is name given to us by the whites, so my people prefer the name Anishinabeg (spontaneous men), but Ojibway is still acceptable and more easily recognized.
The last time I was in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), your sister and I went to Phil Goulais’ grocery to purchase an authentic pair of Ojibway moccasins. Your sister wanted me to try them on for size, so she would be sure they would fit your grandfather’s feet. Phil Goulais said to your sister, “Those moccasins are free for you, Elizabeth.” Your sister was very happy to hear that. She said, “Thank you, Phil. My grandfather will love them.” Then Phil said, “These are for your grandfather and not for a school lesson on moccasin-making involving everyone in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees)?” Your sister said, “They’re not for school. They are a birthday gift.” Phil said, “That will be $100.”
More expensive, but I am sure your grandfather will agree it was worth the money. I would like to meet him someday. I am sure you are very proud of him.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 12:29 PM,
April Patterson said…
paul, i luv my gramps lots & i've learned a lot fr. him, esp abt music stuff. i'm still v. mad @ my mother, tho, & i think it was wrong of her 2 tell gramps not 2 spoil his grandkidz. he shd have been able 2 decide 4 himself whether 2 spoil us or not.
apes
At 3:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i guess ur gift 2 ur grandpa wuz the cookiez, rite? i am just guessing, since u made him a cake ovah valentine’z day. u rilly like 2 give ur grandpa the sweets.
u know just cuz ur mom told ur grandpa jim not 2 spoil u duzn’t mean he hazta lissen. he givez that dog of hiz havarti cheese & duzn’t lissen 2 ur mom ‘bout that. it’s like wen my mom sez 2 my dad, “don’t buy jeremy beer or make him spend hiz whole tyme w/u fixin’ ur broken sound equipment.” my dad nevah lissens 2 my mom. n fact, he uzually duz the opposite of wut my mom sez. if he didn’t, i woulda nevah got 2 taste beer & i wudn’t know so much ‘bout sound equipment.
@lunch, eva wuz shocked 2 hear i had gone out on the matchmakin’ d8 w/shannon on sunday. she wuz evn more shocked ‘bout wut happed w/shannon’z ‘rents. shannon sed, “my…‘rents…have…a…long…way…2…go…b4…i…get…a…bf. i…am…prolly…gonna…hafta…w8…till…i…am…18…&…am…declared…ndependent…so…i…can…make…my…own…decisionz.” eva sed, “that stinks, shannon. do u & jeremy wanna have d8s w/o ur ‘rents knowin’?” i sed, “thass an idea.” shannon sed, “mebbe…l8er. aftah…last…nite, my…‘rents…r…a…little…crayzee. jeremy, ru…doin’…more… this…weekend?” i sed, “yes. my mom iz determined. i think she wunts grandkidz b4 i die & evry1 thinks i won’t make it past my 20s.” shannon sed, “i’m…2…yung…2…have…kids, jeremy.” eva sed, “don’t look @me.” i sed, “wtf? i’m not askin’ ne1 2 have babiez w/me. thass my mom.”
eva sed, “i nearly 4got. i hafta tell u this story. i went ovah 2 the that medical-arts building where april's dad works.” i sed, “the spigot building.” shannon sed, “mosta…my…docs…r…n…that…buildin’” eva sed, “i wuz there 2c if i cud find that dentist guy who works w/april’s dad. the 1 howard posted yestahday he wuz erased, like i wuz erased.” i sed, “wut dentist guy? did dr. p hire sum1?” eva sed, “he did. but he wuz erased. hiz name wuz everett callahan. do u remembah him?” shannon sed, “no. but…i…go…2…dr. fuzy. he…nevah…gets…upset…‘bout…nething…i…do. he…alwayz…defuses…the…sitch. &…he…duzn’t…do…punz.” i sed, “i know. dr. p iz rilly bad w/thoze.” eva sed, “peeps! i’m tellin’ my story. i thot i spotted the everett callahan guy, cuz wen i went by the building, he wuz standin’ outside yellin’, “i’m a dentist! i work here! can't ne1 hear me?! then howard wuz postin’ yestahday how he wuz erased. so i figger i mite b the only 1 who cud c him & he mite need help. so i went back 2 the medical-arts building.” i sed, “spigott building.” eva sed, “wutevah. there he wuz. i sed 2 him, ‘i can cu. do u need help?’ & he wuz rilly rude. he sed, ‘no need little dudette. it’s all cool. i have everything a dude cud need rite here. there’s food, showerz & sum gr8 drugz.’ i sed, ‘don’t u want help so peeps can cu again?’ he sed, ‘look little dudette. i know wussup. if thoze idiots n corbeil wanna office xxpansion or an early retirement, they gotta come 2 the main man, dr. everett callahan. it’s only a mattah of tyme.’ i sed, ‘but wut if they don’t?’ he sed, ‘little dudette. i am 2 cool 2 ignore 4 long.’” i sed, “wut a freak.” eva sed, “i know. so i just left him there.” shannon sed, “i…am…so…glad…i…go…2…dr. fuzy.”
that wuz lunch. weird story ‘bout ur dad’z associate. i don’t remembah him, but i know eva wudn’t lie ‘bout it.
At 4:07 PM,
howard said…
April,
I am sorry your grandpa said something to upset you. However, you should be very happy you didn’t have to clean and massage those nasty feet of his, like I did the night before his birthday. Your step-grandmother Iris told me that the foot cleaning and massage had a quite enjoyable affect on his “standing in the community” if you know what I mean. In any case, it sounds like your grandpa was alert for his birthday, which I understand was an improvement over the one he had last year, where he slept through most of it. It must stink to get old. Thank goodness I am gay. I know all this because I had a good conversation with Iris this morning as she was looking for the legal paperwork that confirmed I was your backup gay. This was necessary because of the paper I found last night.
My lawyer says I can talk about it a little more now, particularly since it involves you. Thorvald had some idea that by Viking tradition the wife was to take care of their impending baby by herself for the first year of its life. Thora did not like this idea and demanded a legal marriage, the kind of marriage where you are financially responsible for your own child. Thorvald decided I would be a good choice to marry Thora instead of him, since I am not going through a divorce like he is, and since I have said on a number of occasions how I would like to have kids. Thorvald said I shouldn’t have a problem since I am legally responsible to marry his wife because he says I promised to be his backup gay. Therefore if he was unable to fulfill his husbandly duties, I am required to step in. Unfortunately for Thorvald, I never made that promise to him (at least not sober), and he has been unable to find the paperwork for that, and it only works if the original straight husband is dead (which Thorvald is not), and backup gay promises are made to straight girls and not confused middle-aged men. Iris did find the paperwork for me and you and my lawyer says that it is looks correct and legal. Don’t worry. You are still covered. You’re moving from Milborough when you get older, right?
Howard K.
At 4:43 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Your grandpa is lucky he gets things he likes for his birthday. My grandma Opal likes her cat Muffin better than my grandpa Earl. Sometimes he gets cat toys for his birthday. I have fun with my grandpa. He reads to me and tells me funny stories. Sometimes he does things just to get grandma Opal mad. It’s funny.
Nelson Pickles
At 5:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
Friendly Becky flower,
There is some information I think you should have. Pierce Inverarity approached me in the boys' locker room after our game against the Pummelers. He asked me if you and Drew Fontaine were seriously involved. I told him that I did not believe you were going steady yet. Then Pierce asked me what I thought you would say if he asked you out for a date. I told him that I did not know, but that I thought you would not be insulted by the offer, given his high standing amongst the student body.
I think you know that I consider Drew Fontaine to be the most worthy boy in school, and that he is my role model. Yet I am forced to admit that Pierce Inverarity has many good qualities as well.
As you pointed out, he is in excellent shape, and he is the tallest boy in school. He even has a very fine, lush goatee. Most high school boys can't grow a really good mustache or beard yet. Pierce is the captain of the basketball team, but he also competes in Golden Gloves boxing in Toronto. He is on the swing choir and is reputed to have a lovely baritone. He has never lost a fight in the ring, on the basketball court, or in the cafetorium.
Pierce is also brainy as well. He maintains a 4.0 grade point average, and was co-captain of the chess team until that unfortunate incident in which he beat up his co-captain, Arthur Wimpole, and was summarily dismissed.
He is not as handsome as Drew Fontaine, in my opinion, but some girls like red hair and freckles.
While I hope you will choose my mentor and friend Drew for your steady boyfriend, I must admit that Pierce Inverarity is a worthy suitor for your hand.
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 5:38 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, that's a gd pt abt how gramps doesn't hafta listen 2 my mom. howard, omg, sorry again abt what u went thru w/gramps's feet. yeah, i still plan 2 move outta mboro sumday.
nelson, that soundz silly!
apes
At 5:50 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, i saw yr post & ger's after i sent the last 1.
good point abt my mom. mayB i shd also train the kidz not 2 know her birthday. or wd that b 2 mean?
i dunno abt drew vs. pierce. i'm guessing drew wd prolly mind abt u going on a d8 w/pierce, since they're like rivalz & all. but like ger sed, u & drew haven't become xclusive, & pierce is cute & smart & v. buff.
oh, i 4got 2 say b4. jeremy, u r rite, i was the 1 who gave gramps cookies. but it's not so bad as it soundz, cuz i got a special recipe fr his doctor, approved 4 the restricted "live 4ever" diet the doc has gramps & iris on.
apes
At 6:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
gerald, aftah ur done matchmakin’ 4 rebeccah, i cud uze some help. rebeccah sez ur a good matchmaker, better’n my mom who kinda sucks @it. also, i cud grow a better goatee or beard than pierce inverarity, but my mom sez b-ing clean-shaven makes u look younger & i need all the help i can get n that area.
At 6:22 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
Oh, Becky. He’s a singer. Of course I approve. His taste in dates is a little lacking. Monster truck rallies are so noisy. But of course I naturally approve of men with big muscles, red hair and freckles. You’re young and very pretty and there is no need to be tied down just to one guy. Since you’ve got what it takes to date all these cute guys, then I say go for it. They are so much better than your previous boyfriends.
I do not know the history behind Pierce beating up his chess team co-captain, but I presume there were extenuating circumstances where the other guy probably deserved it. When I was in school and in the men’s glee club, we were constantly taunted by the chess team at the Milborough Training School for Boys. It got quite ugly.
Please accept the date with my blessings,
Howard K.
At 8:40 PM,
howard said…
April,
After Becky got her Pierce Inverarity call in, it was time for us to have a talk with her father. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Thorvald, Thora. This is my lawyer, Lauren Iowa.
Lauren Iowa: Mr. and Mrs. McGuire. Pleased to meet you. Shall we get down to business?
Thora: Howard. Bringing a lawyer into this? Is this necessary?
Thorvald: I warn you Howard. If you anger me, you will feel the wrath of Battle Troll.
Lauren Iowa: What?
Becky: His battle axe.
Lauren Iowa: Is he serious?
Me: I am afraid so. Thorvald, put the axe away. I believe I have the right to be upset you tricked me into signing that marriage licence to marry Thora.
Thora: It wouldn’t be a real marriage, just something to make sure our son is protected while Thorvald runs away from his responsibilities for a year.
Thorvald: By Odin’s one good eye, it is a Viking tradition for the father to abandon his child for a year. You train your son to carry an axe from the time he walks, and not before.
Thora: You see Howard. He has the sense of responsibility of Thor, not Heimdall.
Thorvald: I don’t see the problem.
Lauren Iowa: Mr. and Mrs. McGuire. If you are done with the Norse mythology discussion, Mr. Kelpfroth has agreed to not press any charges against you if you agree to allow your daughter Becky to headline at your supper club, The Valhalla, on the weekends. As I understand it, this was something you promised your daughter, but have failed to do.
Thorvald: By Yggdrasil, the World Tree, you will taste my axe, Howard. I am Becky-Thora’s manager and not you. If I say she is not ready, then she is not ready.
Becky: What do you mean I am not ready? Fafa, I have been performing in public for over 3 years. You told me you were building this club for me, not for Howard to perform, or the New Bentwood Rockers.
Howard: I agree with Becky. When I signed on, it was only to be for weekday nights.
Thorvald: You are not her manager. You are not her fafa. Becky is not ready and that is that.
Lauren Iowa: I take it then that you are refusing the terms proposed by Mr. Kelpfroth?
Thorvald: Yes. I refuse the terms, just as the giant Ymir’s feet refused to be outdone by his armpits and gave birth to the Jotuns.
Thora: I don’t that story works well as a metaphor.
Lauren Iowa: I think that was a “Yes” on refusing. Mr. McGuire, we have no choice but to go ahead and press charges. I should warn you that as a repeat offender, the Crown will not go easy on you.
Thorvald: Howard. You ungrateful wretch and base deceiver. You are as Loki was to Thor, using this Frost Giant woman to do your dirty work.
Thora: Thorvald. I do not want you to go to jail. Our son will need his father.
Becky: Howie. I don’t want my dad to go back to jail.
Me: Ms. Iowa. I don’t want Thorvald to go back to jail either. I guess you win, Thorvald. However, this is my letter of resignation for performing at the Valhalla.
Becky: Howie. You’re giving up singing opera for me?
Me: Of course. I would do anything for my bud.
Thorvald: What? You can’t quit. The Valhalla is a landmark.
Me: Just watch me quit, and the Valhalla is not a landmark. You opened last week.
Thorvald: I thought the rules for calling places landmarks in Milborough were a little looser.
Thora: Thorvald. I am willing to compromise. If Howard agrees to shampoo my hair and give me a full body massage every day, then I think it would be fine for Becky to perform.
Thorvald: Thora-Thora. Are you betraying me for a shampoo and a massage? Where is your Viking pride? I will not compromise. I am resolute. Becky is not ready to sing.
Becky: I am too!
Thora: Thorvald. This is ridiculous. Just tell Becky the real reason you don’t think she is ready.
Thorvald: Thora-Thora. Would that you were like Melkorka the mute.
Thora: If you don’t tell her, I will. And I was serious about the shampoo and fully body massage. It would put me in a much better mood than I have been. Remember how nice I was to you the last time Howard did that for me.
Becky: What is it, fafa? You can tell me.
Thorvald: The room must be cleared. These words are for Becky-Thora alone.
So, we cleared the room, while Becky and Thorvald talked and talked and talked. That is what they are doing now. I made Lauren Iowa her 4-point Weight Watcher diet supper and dessert. She said, “Are you sure this is only 4 points? It tastes like 50 points.” I said, “I have checked your diet guide book and verified the point count of each ingredient.” She said, “I am so glad we came to this agreement about legal fees. I’ll see you tomorrow for breakfast.” Thora said, “While we are waiting, you might as well start on my full body massage.” I suspect that Becky will want to tell you what happened with her father next, if they ever stop talking.
Howard K.
At 10:39 PM,
howard said…
April,
Becky and Thorvald finally stopped talking. Good news is they came to an agreement about Becky performing at the Valhalla on weekends. Thora said, “Is my daily massage and shampoo in the deal? Life will be so much better for you, Thorvald. See how relaxed I am. Howard is like Sjofn, stopping unnecessary fights between married couples.” Thorvald blustered, “You are worse than vain Freyja, who slept with 4 dwarf brothers in order to gain possession of her necklace Brisingamen. Very well, Becky’s singing at the Valhalla is also on condition Howard gives Thora-Thora a shampoo and a body massage every day.” Thora said, “You are generous like Odin, my husband.”
Becky said, “Wait! This is not what we shook on.” Thorvald said, “We did not drink on it, Becky-Thora. A proper Viking agreement is sealed by the drinking of Mead and spitting into a jar and then killing the dwarf that grows from the spit, but that last part rarely ever happens.” I said, “You got Thorvald to agree to let you sing? Becky, that’s great.” Becky said, “Fafa. Howie is not a part of the agreement.” Thorvald said, “As Freya, the sister of Frey was sent to live with the Aesir in order to seal a peace agreement, so Howard must be sent to massage and shampoo Thora-Thora.” Becky said, “Becky. Fafa, you promised you would never lie to me again.” Thorvald said, “This is not lying. We didn’t…Oh all right. This is renegotiation. Howard, what do you want in exhange for daily body massages and shampoos for Thora?” I said, “A proper publicity campaign for Becky’s debut at the Valhalla, which means at least radio and TV ads in Milborough and the surrounding area. Becky, anything else?” Becky said, “There is one other thing I would like” which she should tell you herself, because it was a funny sort of something that is just like her to ask for. Thorvald agreed to the renegotiation and I agreed to give Thora a full body massage and shampoo each morning after I drop Becky off at school and before I work at the salon.
I was really pumped. I said, “Whoo! Look at this. Becky is going to be headlining the Valhalla. I feel like spoiling someone.” Thorvald said, “Later, Howard. You have another show to do.”
Howard K.
At 11:41 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I just finished the late evening show and saw your post. Monster Truck Rally with dinner at Arby’s. That is tricky. You have to be casual enough for a truck rally or you will make the boy uncomfortable. However, you still have to have something that shows you are sexy and feminine and worth showing off to the other guys. But you can’t go too far into the cowgirl feminine look or it will give the guy the impression you are not “city” enough for him, which is a real danger around Milborough. I am thinking jeans, nice and tight, but not designer and that pink blouse you have with the rounded shoulders, that shows just a hint of cleavage.
On another topic, I can't wait to give you your first shamp-Oh. I believe, although others may correct me, that once I give you your shamp-Oh, I will have given a shamp-Oh to every mobile and semi-mobile woman in Milborough over the age of 13, plus a few passing tourists. By the by, I am guessing we shouldn’t tell your mother. I somehow suspect she would not approve. She has been anti-shamp-Oh since her temporary religious conversion from having her first shamp-Oh. I learned a lot about how not to give a shamp-Oh that time. I am proud to say that type of reaction has not occurred since.
Howard K.
At 12:25 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
I’ll sew them back on AND I will take them off. I don’t want you ripping any fabric and ruining your expensive jeans. Western-inspired buttondown. Really urban cowgirl. Yeesh! No offence Becky, but I cannot imagine that look on you. I keep trying to picture your head on a Leann Rimes body with an urban cowgirl outfit, but my mind keeps rejecting it.
As for hair and makeup, the first question I need to know is, “Is the truck rally outdoors or indoors?” If it is outdoors, then you will need to restrain your hair, so you are not fighting to keep it out of your face whenever a truck sprays dirt and mud in your direction. As for makeup, in bright sunlight, as little makeup as possible so you can take advantage of those beautiful freckles.” If it is indoors, the seating area will not be well-lit, so it just doesn’t matter, except for snuggling and kissing. You want more makeup than outdoors, but not so much that the guy can feel it when he touches your face and kisses you. In that sort of venue, perfume is going to be more important, because he will be able to smell you more than he will be able to see you. There is nothing a guy likes better than to smell someone who smells better than he does. I should know. I have driven men wild in the dark, with some well-applied perfume.
Howard K.
At 8:10 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
I have 154 bottles of perfume in my room now. Since dropping my Belfrieda Batsize outfit, I was able to move my personal (not old lady) stuff in. Why don't you try them out and see which one fits you best?
To be honest, since my time as a dog, I have gotten very sensitive to perfumes. The odour has to mix well with your own personal body odour. For example, your gramma eulalie's shalimar worked great with her own body odour. It was distracting even to me, and I didn't really find her all that attractive (no offence to your gramma). However, your gramma's body smell is a lot different from yours, so I don't know if it would work. There is also something I noticed as a dog, which I have kind of not mentioned, but humans' odour changes during the month, if you know what I mean. Sometimes your mom's obsession smells great, and other times it smells awful. A girl should regularly adjust her scents for the best effect.
As for that pheromone stuff, I thought you had gotten rid of it. In any case, please lock it up. My nose is not as sensitive as it was when I was a dog, but it is better to not take any chances. I wouldn't want to lose control and sexually assault my bud.
Howard K.
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