The Day After

Well. The Day has passed. But, U know, it'll take me days and days 2 tell U abt it, and I can't even get up 2 the actual vows 2day!

While walking Nizzie down the aisle, Dad was thinking, "::sniff:: It's Elizabeth's wedding day... And I have 2 keep reminding myself.... that I'm not losing a daughter... ...I'm gaining an accountant." Har dee har.

Once he's delivered Liz 2 the Antman's side, the officiant will B all, "Elizabeth and Anthony, 2day yr firends and families R here 2 witness yr marriage, yr lifetime commitment 2 one another." Kinda like Anthony's lifetime commitment 2 Thérèse 5 yrs B4, eh? Then, he'll continue: "They will hear the vows U R soon 2 make. They will share w/U this joyous and solemn occasion and will B there 2 guide and support U...."

Anthony and Liz will look @ ea other sideways while the officiant goes, "Knowing that marriage is one of the most important obligations that NE 2 ppl will ever swear 2 uphold." Yeah, Anthony has sum xxperience swearing 2 uphold that obligation. 2 Thérèse.

Weed gestured for me 2 step away from the bridesmaid line a bit so he cd snap a pic of me w/Mom and Dad as the officiant went, "Marriage is a challenge, but so too... It is love. Marriage is patience and giving and caring and faith. It is honesty and openness and thoughtfulness and truth..." Yeah, unless U marry Thérèse? Then officiant-guy went on, "In that yr understanding of one another will lead 2 a gr8er understanding of yrself."

Weed went 2 the front and took a crowd shot while the officiant sed this: "Marriage is friendship and respect. It's the willingness to accept yr partner's qualities and differences, weak and strong." Unless yr partner is Thérèse, rite, Ant? Officiant went, "It is a promise made... And a lasting, successful, caring marriage is a promise kept... Again and again and again." @ that moment, Anthony and Liz shared a thought bubble of "I promise." Mom and Dad also thought, "I promise," only they had individual his-and-hers thought bubbles.

While that last bit was going on, I cd swear I cd hear people snf-snf-snffing, cutting sumthing out, and putting sumthing on their fridge doors. I have a feeling a bunch of those ppl will show up @ Lilliput's 2morrow 2 have coffee w/Mom and tell her how they had tears in their eyes cuz Lizzie's wedding reminds them of [their own/their kid's/their other relative's] wedding, and blahblahblah shoot-me-now.

Apes

Holding on tight

Well, the day is here. This will B my last premonition B4 I can start telling U abt stuff that already happened. Tho U know it'll take me prolly all of next wk 2 tell U the rest abt 2day.

Robin will B rite @ the front, as ring bearer, w/Francie and Merrie standing side-by-side behind him, all ready 2 do their flower-girls stuff. When the music starts, Robin will just stand there like a deer in headlights, so I'll hafta step out of line 2 go up 2 him, put a hand on his shoulder, and say, "U're the leader Robin. Go ahead, now... the music has started." The rest of the line-up behind us will be Dawn, then Shawna-Marie, then Candace, and finally Liz and Dad.

As Liz and Dad R starting down the aisle, Liz will B like, "This is it, Pop. We're on our way." And Dad will go, "Hold on tight." While Dee squints @ them from the bride's side of the seats, Liz will tell Dad, "Don't worry. I can do this. I'm totally calm." And Dad will B all, "I know... that's Y I want U 2 hold on tight!!" Yeah, whatever.

I was sure I'd wake up 2day being able 2 tell U abt Liz and Antman xxchanging their vows, but all I've got is this? Oh, well. Gotta get started. I guess Connie's prolly helping Mom get dressed rite abt now. And I hear Dad calling 4 me 2 help him w/his tux. Man, w/all those premonitions I've had, 2day is gonna B full of déjà vu 4 me!

Apes

It was a cliffhanger 2 nothing

Wow we're 2 days away from the debacle wedding. I woke up knowing some more abt what will happen. It looks like Liz's big "STOP" outburst I told U abt yesterday won't lead 2 NEthing substantial stopping. The limo will pull up 2 the park, and we'll all get out.

So, rite after our big disembark, Dawn will B helping Liz adjust her train as Liz thought-bubbles, "Don't B nervous, don't B nervous, calm... B calm..." And Dad will geet her w/"Hi, honey! --Are U nervous?" Then we will all go in2 the rarely seen white silhouette, and sum1 will B saying, "The bride and F.O.B. R here, bridesmaids, here, flower girls and ring bearer..."

Robin will interrupt whoever it is who'll say that, w/"When can I have the ring?" Liz will bend slightly @ the waist and tell him, "Not until the procession starts, Robin. We don't want U 2 lose it. --So, for now, it's safely in yr grandfather's pocket." And Dad, w/his hands in his pockets, will go, "AAAHH!!?" Acting like he doesn't have the ring. Liz will B so terrified that she'll bare her lower teeth. Candace will pop her mouth open. Robin will B button-nosed and gobsmacked. Shawna-Marie will B in white silhouette. Francie will apparently B on a potty break, so Dawn will B playing her role, crouching down so she's only one entire head taller than Robin and looking close-eyed and concerned.

Then Dad will pull the ring case outta his pocket and go "Just kidding!" Dawn will have anticipated sumthing like this, as she'll have had time 2 resume portraying herself and run around the other side, so she'll B behind Dad and pretending she's abt 2 strangle him." Liz will clench her entire face, Merrie will just look a bit bug-eyed, Robin will LOL, and the rest of us will B in silhouette.

OK, I'm confused. "Ring"? As in just one ring? Is Liz the only one who'll wear a ring in this marriage? Shouldn't there B 2? Or will sum1 other than the ringbearer have the other ring?

Apes

Cliffhanger?

Sum more I woke up knowing abt Liz's wedding day, which is now three days away: Merrie will go, "Is this a real limousine? The kind movie stars use?" Really, Merrie, not even six years old, and THAT'S what U're gonna ask? Then Francie will B all, "How long B4 we get 2 the park?" And Robin will ask, "Will there B lotsa ppl?" And Merrie will wanna know, "Can we ride this 2 the reception?" And sitting next 2 Liz, I'll B sharing her POV, which will B that w/Francie and Robin squished 2gether on one side of the limo (Liz's left), and Merrie on the other (w/Candace and Dawn directly across fr us), it will seem like a teeny-tiny interrogation panel, as all these question will B directed @ Liz.

Then they'll switch off 2 sumthing else. Francie will B like, "My dad is gonna marry yr auntie, so that makes us stousins!" And Robin will go, "Stousins?" Francie will say, "Step-cousins! 'Stousins.'" OK, obviously, this will come from a grown-up telling her this. Even a 3yo w/"advanced verbal skills" won't come up w/that on her own. The only question is, "Which grown-up put that idea in her head?" My guess is Anthony. Wouldn't most normal grown-ups tell a little 3yo girl in this sitch that her new stepmother's niece and nephew were gonna B her cousins, and just leave out all that "step" stuff? That just seems nicer, don't U think?

Well, NEway, after Francie sez that abt "stousins," I guess sumthing will click off in Robin's brain, cuz then he'll B all, "Stousins! Stuzzins! Stooba gooba stubba nubba stousa loosa steeba deeba."

Suddenly, Liz will emit a huge, "STOP!" And this will cause Francie 2 B all, "Erp?" And Robin will B like, "Oop!" And a huge shadow will completely conceal Shawna-Marie, so U can't even C her silhouette. And I don't know whether Liz's outburst will just B Liz freaking out abt stopping Robin's chatter, or sumthing bigger like "Stop the wedding." The bigness of the "STOP!" has me thinking it's sumthing more than "Robin, stop being annoying," tho that cd B part of it. Like mayB it will dawn on Liz that there is no way she is ready 2 B a stepmother.

But I guess there's a gd chance that'll all come 2 nothing. Guess I'll know more 2morrow. Sorry abt the cliffhanger.

Apes

Smooth Ride/Lobotomized Bride

So again I woke up knowing sum more abt what will happen on Liz's wedding day, which is now 5 days away. It will B time 4 the bridal party 2 pile in2 the limo, and so sum1 will B all, "The limousine is here, ladies!" As Liz climbs in2 that thing as tho she's climbing up a mountain, sum1 behind her will B like, "R U OK, Liz?" And Liz will B all, "I think so--I'm trying not 2 step on my dress!" Dawn will say, "Let me help U!" Shawna-Marie will say, "Don't mess her hair!" Candace will B all, "Who's got the bouquet?" And Meredith will ask, "When can I get in?"

Once every1's inside, it'll B Liz between me and Shawna-Marie, and @ the other (front) end of the limo will Be Merrie, Dawn, Candace, Francie and Robin. Candace will tell the driver, "Ready!!" Dawn will B in silhouette 2 Candace's rite when she sez that."

Then, once the limo gets moving, I'll tell Liz, "Well, Sis... we're rolling!" I'll B one of those dorks who actually calls her sister "Sis." ::puke:: And Liz will say, "And I think it's going 2 B a smooth ride." And Candace will B in silhouette, Merrie will have a wary look in her eye, Dawn will B unseen, except mayB by wary Merrie, and, inexplicably, Francie and Robin will laff like Liz's joke is funnier than Mr. Noodle doing something v. v. silly on the "Elmo's World" part of Sesame Street.

And apparently, Mom will have followed Uncle Phil's orders not 2 tell the bride (or probably NE1 else in the bridal party) abt Gramps and the heart attack.

Apes

P.S. Dunc, don't feel bad abt spilling the news that I'll get that super-early acceptance 2 Guelph. If Mom didn't want me 2 know, she shdn't have bragged 2 my mom. Tho, in my favour, I noticed that Guelph seems a bit farther away than Burlington. And my fam is always saying that Burlington (which is where Mira and Wilf Sobinski, Dee's parents, live) is waaaaaay 2 far 2 visit. So I guess that will make Guelph uncommutable so I will HAVE 2 live in the dorms! Ha, logic! :)

Giggly-girl bridesmaids

I woke up knowing sum more abt Liz's wedding day, which is eight days away (23 August). Candace will suddenly B acting all giggly and girly, telling Liz, "Lemme fix yr veil, Liz! --U look amazing!" And Shawna-Marie will go, "U need sum more blush!" While applying more blush w/sumthing that looks more like a rubber stamper, Shawna-Marie will say, "This is so cool. U were a bridesmaid at Dawn's and my weddings..." And Dawn will finish w/"And now we're bridesmaids @ yrs." In case U R confused w/how Shawna-Marie will word that, they each had one wedding.

Then here's where Candace's weird girlyness will really come out. Standing behind and slitely 2 the side of Liz, she'll put one hand by the left side of Liz's neck, the other on Liz's rite shoulder, and as Liz looks terrified, she will say, "Let's make a pact, girls. We R gonna B friends 4ever, OK? No matter what happens...." And then the 4 of them will go in2 silhouette and chant, "Friends 4ever! 4ever! 4ever!!!" It'll almost seem like they R trying 2 cast a spell. Does NE1 know if this is how 27-yr-old women normally talk? This seems much younger. Like mayB sumthing U promise yr friends when U all finish middle school. Plus, is Candace even friends w/Dawn and Shawna?

NEway, after that weird chanting, Liz will B all, "But 1st... Let's make it thru 2day!"

And that's all I know from waking up this morning. I wonder why Candace will act so unCandacelike. That kinda disturbs me.

Apes

Liz will B off the hook 4 "repaying"

I woke up 2day knowing a bit more of what will happen on 23 August, the day Lizzie marries the Ant. Weed will B @ the TTH, where Liz and the bridal party will B gathered. And Carleen, still, like I mentioned yesterday. Weed will B taking pics, and he'll B all, "Now, a few shots of the bride getting ready! ...Look a bit frazzled, OK?" And Liz will B like, "I don't have 2 act, Jo!" "Jo"? Doesn't NE1 but me call him "Weed" NEmore?

Next, Carleen will B standing behind Liz fussing with the veil, and Weed will go, "Turn around, Carleen! We need the hair stylist in here!" If U R thinking, "When did Carleen, who is Weed's photography assistant and biz manager, become a hair stylist," I can't say I blame U! I think what's gonna happen is that when Mom finds out that my hairdresser, Sugar Van Rensselaer, is unwilling 2 don8 her services 4 free, she'll have a fit. And sumhow, sum1 will end up suggesting that Carleen knows how 2 do hair. How does she know how 2 do hair? I dunno (yet). MayB we'll find out, and mayB we won't. This is all pretty chaotic and confusing, I know!

So, where was I? Oh, rite! After Weed snaps his "hair stylist" pic, Carleen will tell Liz, "When he's done, U're going 2 have the most incredible album, Liz. He's up 4 another award, U know." And Liz will go, "Yes. I know." R U thinking that a bunch of the wedding-prep conversations R going 2 have a feel of establishing how well various ppl we know R doing in life? Same here! After Liz's line I just told U abt, Candace will B fussing w/Liz's bustle for sum reason (this doesn't seem v. Candace-like, but neither does being a bridesmaid in a strapless lavendar gown, so there U go). Liz will touch a hand 2 Carleen and go, "So many ppl R doing so much 4 me! U're making this day the most amazing day of my life!!"

Then, there will B this weird moment where Liz seems 2 B addressing an unseen TV camera, w/Candace standing just behind her rite side, clutching her rite shoulder, Dawn doing a left-shoulder clutch on the other side, then me behind Candace and Shawna-Marie behind Dawrn, clutching Dawn's left shoulder and kinda snuggling up 2 her. Liz will go, "What can I do 2 repay every1? I will B abt 2 say that thanking ppl wd B a v. v. good start, but B4 I have a chance, Candace will blurt, "Just enjoy it, girl!" And Dawn will go, "Yeah! ...This is our day 2!" Rite, cuz every1 is just so privileged 2 bask in the glow of a Pattercaine wedding, eh?

NEway, I guess I'll know sum more 2morrow. Or mayB sum1 else will wake up knowing sum stuff, like Mike did Wednesday.

Apes

Liz kicks her guests to the curb

Liz wrote me another e-mail and it went like this:

April,

When I was in Limbo, I got so used to not having to worry about going to my job, writing lesson plans, or doing any grading, that I panicked when it was 10:00 PM, Candace and Rudy were still at my apartment, and I realized that I needed to write a lesson plan and grade a stack of tests for the next day! So I thought I'd better drop a hint that they should leave, by saying, "Well, I have a class to prepare for and test to correct...." I was worried they might not pick up on that, but Rudy said, "Yeah... we should go." As they were leaving, I shouted out the door, "Goodnight, Rudy! 'Night, Candace!" And Rudy waved while Candace said, "See you, Liz!" My feelings were a little hurt that they didn't wish me a good night. How am I supposed to have a good night if they don't wish me one?

I sat down at my computer to write the lesson plan, which was going to be a math and reading lesson based on buying clothes from that stack of catalogues I have been meaning to get rid of, I thought, "I love those guys, but I have so much to do tonight, I don't have time for visitors." Shiimsa was on the counter when I was thinking that, but next thing I knew, she was on my shoulders, with her head against one of my cheeks and her back end against the other, and I thought this: "Right. You're not a visitor... You OWN the place!!!" Then I thought it's not like me at all to think that, shouldn't I be yelling at her or chasing her around the apartment or something? Does this have something to do with me looking like Mike with a wig? I'm confused.

Liz

Liz, you being confused is pretty usual. I'd be more concerned if U were not confused.

Apes

Transformers? Bwuh?

Liz sent me another e-mail:

April,

Yay, we're still on me! I had a nightmare that we switched back to Mike and that he had a story about making some Kraft Dinner for those kids of his, but that they dumped it down the sink and Mike sent them to bed without supper while thinking a pun. I'm so glad we're on me!

Like I started to tell you, Candace and Rudy were at my apartment and Candace had asked me about how things were going with Anthony. And I told them that thing about taking things one day at a time. Well, Candace asked me some syko-babbly question about how compatible we are, and when I stared at her without answering, because I remember I had to learn "compatible" in a vocab quiz once but hadn't thought about the word in ages, she kind of sighed and said, "Are you and Anthony well matched?" I thought about how we are always finding we are wearing the same shade of brown or mustard yellow or eggplant, and I said, "Yes, we are pretty well matched." Candace had to get all competitive by saying, "Rudy and I are pretty well-matched too, Liz. We just sort of 'click', I guess." By then, we were all standing up, and Candace and I were holding our mugs. I saw that Candace was facing Shiimsa, who was on the counter, and I thought, "Oh, yeah, I have a cat."

Then I realized that Rudy was talking again, I think he heard about how Pattersons are always doing the best wordplay and he wanted to show off, because he started to gesture with his two hands, like he was pretending to open a jar, and he said, "Like those Transformers! You know, you get some goofy monster thing, then... click-click, you fudge around it and it turns into a car or something!?" Candace had put her mug down and picked up Shiimsa. I was putting my mug on the coffee table, and Candace was asking Rudy, "You're comparing me to a Transformer?" And Rudy said, "Nope! No psychoanalysis, Candace. You know what I mean. It's the way we figure each other out!" I sat on the couch and felt myself looking like Mike with a confused look on my face while Candace answered, "A 'goofy monster thing'?" Then Rudy sat next to me on the couch, grabbed his right foot, and said, "Click, click, click" while leaning in like he was going to put his face onto his foot. Candace asked, "What are you doing?" And Rudy said, "Putting my other foot in my mouth!" And I laughed. Because I saw there was no way Rudy was flexible enough to put his foot in his mouth. I said, "Maybe April can do that, with those yoga classes she takes, April does stuff like that to be annoying and maybe so that she can put her foot in my mouth." And then I laughed some more because I pictured you, April, with both feet in your mouth! Ha, ha, ha, I'm laughing all over again thinking about that!

More tomorrow.

Liz.

Liz, FYI, putting your foot in your mouth is an expression. When you say the wrong thing and realize you've accidentally insulted someone, that's called putting your foot in your mouth. And in case you care, I'm flexible enuf 2 put my feet behind my head, but I never put my feet in my mouth (at least not literally). Oh, and memo to Rudy, Transformers are "robots in disguise." Not "goofy monster things."

Apes

Rudy and Candace Speak Telepathically

I got an e-mail from Liz. She wrote:

April, I am so excited because I got a special telegram from the Johnston Institute saying I could leave Limbo and that I was going to be the one everyone talks about for a while. Finally. I thought Mike was going to go on with his stories forever, I just couldn't stand it, so I haven't even been reading your blog this week.

Anyway, the telegram said I should report to my apartment and invite Candace and Rudy so we could have a conversation about Anthony. I was hoping my instruction would be to go to Anthony, who would be on bended knee hiding an engagement ring behind his back, ready to say, "Liz, will you marry me and make me the happiest man alive?" You know, all romantic-like. Before I left Limbo, I looked in the mirror and gasped because I saw that I was looking almost exactly like Mike. I was about to let my hair down, but one of the officials at Limbo stopped me and said I was supposed to keep my hair in its bun. So if you think you see Mike but with his hair in a bun, that's me.

As soon as Candace and Rudy got to my apartment, I made tea. Because as you know, it's not possible to have an important talk without tea or coffee, that's why Mom always is ready to make some. Rudy is such a rebel, though, he had iced tea instead of regular, steaming hot tea.

So we all sat and Candace got right to business with her question of "So, how's it going with you and Anthony, Liz?" And I couldn't see her because I didn't have eyes just then, but I ignored that and said, "Really well, Actually." And Candace said, "That is so cool!" Then I remembered what I'm always supposed to say, and my eyes came back, but I closed them just to be safe, and said, "We're taking it one day at a time. We're not rushing into NEthing; we're just totally at ease with one another." Rudy reached across the table to tap Candace on the arm and say, "Just like you and me, right, Babe? We just sort of know what the other's thinking!" And Candace gave her this strange look, I think she was trying to look sexy or trampy, and she said, "OK!" Rudy said, "'OK'... What?" And Candace got really ugly the way people do a lot of the time when you see them from the side, and she said, "What am I thinking?" And Rudy said, "Hah! I knew you were going to say that!" And I sat holding up my head with my hand propped under my chin, feeling I looked more like Mike than ever, and feeling confused. They didn't even have thought bubbles, April, so how could they have been thinking and reading each other's thoughts, that doesn't even make any sense.

I'd tell you more, but now that I'm having my turn, I want to make sure I get to keep it for a while. So I'll tell you more tomorrow. Unless you really annoy me, so I have to chase you and threaten to beat you up. But even then, I'd probably tell some more, because IT'S FINALLY MY TURN!!!

Liz

Well foax, something mite actually happen this week. Or mayB not. Liz, U sound xxactly the same as U did this past summer. Has yr relationship w/Anthony not progressed at all since then?

Apes

Trust me when I say, BWUH?

More abt Liz telling Candace a buncha stuff she heard abt Anthony and Thérèse.

Candace was all, "So, Y did she have a baby?" And Liz sed, "They'd bought a house. ...I guess she thot she cd buy in2 the whole domestic package!" OK, w8. No. They had the baby and THEN bought the house. This is what Anthony told Mom @ Thérèse's baby shower. Nice try, Lizard. NEway, then she told Candace, "Anthony was thrilled when Françoise was born, but Thérèse became depressed. She went back 2 work and left him w/the baby." Hm, shdn't she have been evaluated and treated 4 PPD (post-partum depression)? I'm surprised Candace didn't bring this up. I've heard of this, and I haven't even studied psych @ university. So, Liz continued w/"She spent more and more time @ work. Eventually she admitted she was having an affair with a co-worker. She asked 4 a divorce, and he agreed. She left him w/the house, the baby, and a lot of debt. ...He's only just started 2 trust again." Candace: "And.... he trusts U?" And then, according 2 Liz, "I gave her one of those meaningful looks and I told her, 'Trust me. ...He does."

OK, bwuh? That's how this retell ends? And what's that supposed 2 mean, that Liz and Anthony have made the beast with 2 backs in his Liz shrine bedroom? And what abt Thérèse's ability 2 trust a guy not 2 lust after an ex-girlfriend and try 2 push her in2 a mold she doesn't fit in (yeah, I know we're supposed 2 think THERESE tried 2 change ANTHONY and that her evil PARENTS R supposed 2 have pushed her towards motherhood and home ownership--but my memory hasn't been wiped out, eh?).

Sorry, Liz, U haven't made me like Anthony this week. Tho I feel loads of sympathy 4 Thérèse.

Wherein Candace chugs the Kool Aid

So, more abt Candace chit-chatting w/Liz abt Anthony and Thérèse's marriage. Liz told Anthony, "Anthony bought Gordon's house and fixed it up. Even tho he planned 2 sell it sumday, Thérèse wasn't happy. She wanted 2 live in the city." Candace was all, "Y didn't they work all that out B4hand?" And Liz sed, "I don't know, Candace." [In case Candace mighta 4gotten her own name 4 a mo there.] Then Liz continued with, "Her mom desperately wanted grandchildren, and her dad kept saying that a house was a gd investment. Being an only child, I think she did many things 4 their sake." Oh, w8, this is a total retcon, ppl. Every1 knows that ANTHONY was all abt having a baby. Oh, and look, T. is all messed up cuz of having been an only. Liz, I guess U better rush in and help Anthony save Françoise from the awful f8 of only-child syndrome.

NEway, Liz sez she folded her arms across her chest and told Candace, "So, there U go again.... U can't change ppl. U have 2 take them as they R." And Candace, chugging a mug that musta been filled with that special Corbeil Kool Aid, was all, "And eventually Thérèse took Anthony 4 all she cd get!" Bwuh? Did she go 2 a Patterson re-education camp? Cuz this doesn't sound like str8-shooting Candace, who C's thru the bull. Let's look @ the facts. Thérèse is the driven career woman, remember? She makes more money than Anthony did. She walked out and left Anthony the house and everything in it. How is that taking him 4 all she cd get? That makes no sense!

Apes

Changing/Not Changing

Liz told me sum more abt when Candace visited her recently. While washing dishes, Liz told Candace, "My brother kept me informed abt Anthony. Even tho we'd stopped seeing ea other, we were still friends." Yeah, and one sure sign of friendship is when one of the friends needs her brother 2 keep her "informed" abt the other friend. Liz continued w/"Anthony and Thérèse were happy 4 a while ...But she wanted 2 change him." Liz took a moment 2 imagine Anthony wearing sum boxer shorts in a garish design and a t-shirt while peeling a banana, with Thérèse looking @ him and thinking "He looks like a fool 2day." I doubt Mike wd have been able 2 "inform" Liz abt this, esp. since she was imagining a pre-mustache Anthony in this little drama, which means a pre-engaged Anthony. Liz never heard abt Thérèse until after Anthony had grown a mustache and gotten engaged. Liz went on w/"She criticized the way he dressed, the way he ate[,] and made him grow a mustache, so he wdn't look like a kid!" Girl, please! When Anthony first grew that mustache, it was all, "Anthony, U grew a mustache!" Like it was a good thing that made him dashing. Now we're getting this version of events cuz most ppl h8ed the stoopid 'stache. Oh, so after this lil bit of her tale of Anthony-woe, she described Anthony @ a restaurant w/Thérèse, about 2 bite in2 a huge sandwich, w/Thérèse interrupting him, all, "Honey, U shd cut that in half!!" Ah, I guess he shd have aligned himself w/a sloppy eater like Liz, eh? Cuz sloppy eating = casual and not putting on airs?

NEway, Liz then sed, "But... U can't change ppl!" And Candace was all, "NO KIDDING! Every time my mom tried 2 change me, I got another piercing--then I got a tattoo! I was intense back then, Liz." And Liz told her, "I know. ....And U haven't changed!" I don't think that's what Candace was going 4, Liz.

So, if this version of events we're getting with Anthony and Thérèse is true, things went bad when they were still dating, and yet they still got engaged. And then things got worse, but they still got married. This makes no sense--unless every1 4gets when the 'stache happened and believe Ant was still stacheless when he and T. married.

Apes

Retconversation about Anthony's Marriage

Liz shared sum more abt her recent convo w/Candace. They were eating chips an' dip in Lizzie's apt and discussing Anthony. Candace was all, "I don't understand Y Anthony married Thérèse in the 1st place." Liz was like, "He was crazy abt her! They met @ a dance club in university." In case U R wondering, this wasn't a normal dance club like most uni students go 2, but a ballroom-dancing club, where every1 dresses up in evening gowns an' suits like they were born during the Great Depression. NEway, then Liz sed, "They R both wonderful dancers. They even entered a few competitions 2gether." Bwuh? Does this sound likely 2 NE1? Liz continued w/"She's elegant and sophistic8ed. She sings and plays the piano. She's outgoing and fun 2 B w/. --She just captiv8ed him!" And Candace asked, "So... what happened?" And Liz, preparing 2 chomp a chip, was all, "I guess 'captiv8ed' b-came 'captured'!" Wordplay again. I suppose Liz used "captiv8ed" 2 ensure she cd do that "captiv8ed/captured" thing. Bleah.

And w8 a minute. With all his Liz-obsession, did Anthony really have time 2 B "captiv8ed" by Thérèse? Instead of being like, "Oh noes, Liz is shacking up w/that Eric guy--I have 2 find a woman 2 get engaged 2! Oh, there's a dark-haired, sharp-featured woman rite there!" IYKWIM.

Apes

Who Liz was/is

Tho Liz made a fuss abt me talking abt her here on the blog, she made a pt of calling me last nite 2 tell me more.

She sez that while she had Candace there @ her apt, Candace held Shiimsa while Liz got snax from the fridge. Liz was all, "Candace, Y R U being so negative?" Was she? Candace sed, "I'm just playing the devil's advocate, OK? I want U 2 C both sides of this relationship! U had the chance 2 B w/Anthony B4, but U didn't take it. What's different abt him now?" Liz sniffed sum onion dip 2 C if it had gone bad, and while doing so, she sed, "I'm the one who's different." Then, Liz put the dip on the table and started 2 dip chips in2 it. Awesum hostessing skills, Liz--just DIG rite in while yr guest stands there an' watches U. NEway, as she was dipping her chip, Liz continued w/"I grew up! And in order 2 d that, I had 2 get away from everything and every1 I knew. I wanted 2 find and who I was." Candace was all, "And?" And Liz, taking a messy bite outta her chip, was like, "I found out who I AM!" Really? And who's that?

Sorry, Liz, but U haven't been acting more grown-up since U've moved back from Mtig, what with the rolling up in2 the fetal position with yr toy bunny, or chasing me around 2 beat on me when I say sumthing U don't like. Making raspberry sounds @ the fone when Warren disappoints U (and did U even let him know U're not available--guess not, B-cuz Anthony is yr "friend"). And I hope that l8r in the week, we learn that Candace talked abt Anthony's icky behaviour. His "W8 4 me" rite after the going-after; his being in luv w/Liz (in a way that was obvs 2 every1) the whole time he and Thérèse were 2gether--from d8ing, thru engagement, marriage, and divorce.

Apes

Sometimes you've just gotta compost!

So, I heard that Liz an' Candace got 2gether recently. Liz is doing her usual kinda denial, cuz when Candace sed, "So, U and Anthony R a couple again!" Liz was like, "We're going slowly, Candace, it's still 'friendship,' OK?" Hrm, it's almost like that "checklist d8" they had the other nite never happened. NEway, Candace was like, "Really! --R U ready 2 take on the responsibility of a child, Liz? What if the ex-wife shows p and causes problems? What if angelic little Francie pulls the 'U can't boss ME around--U're not my mom!' thing?" And it seemz Liz went, "She will... --And I'll handle it! ...I can also handle her mom! Thérèse threw away a wonderful man and a beautiful daughter! --She just ... threw them away!!!" And Candace sed, "And U're in2 recycling!"

Isn't it interesting what Candace did here? Normally, if sum1 tells U that she and a guy R still just in a "friendship," U wdn't go in2 questions that imply U R in a longterm relationship, eh? But that's xxactly what Candace did, cuz she saw rite thru the "friendship" lie. And notice Liz never sez, "Y R U asking me all these questions like I'm abt 2 B Anthony's wife and Francie's stepmom? It's just 'friendship'?" Cuz they both knew that was not true.

So Liz is gonna "handle it," foax--she going to "take on" Françoise! Oh, and if U're thinking that Thérèse cdn't throw away Anthony cuz she never really had him, what w/his being obsessed w/Liz the whole time he was with her, U wdn't B alone!

Apes

Shawna-Marie's Wedding Rehearsal

Another comment from Liz, posted last nite:

April,

I know you will be sorry to hear that just as I thought my seduction of Candace was working out, I remembered I was supposed to be at Shawna-Marie's wedding rehersal, sheesh, brides can be so demanding, anyway, I asked Candace if she wanted to go to the rehersal as my date, but of course she had to act like she's all allergic to weddings, of course that will change if I decide she is The One and that we are going to get married, ha!

Anyway, at the rehersal, Shawna-Marie had the traditional fight with her mother, which of course I approve of, upholding tradition is important, but of course Shawna-Marie was in the wrong, she wanted to go down the aisle to some pop love song, you know, Mom is always quick to call Shawna-Marie "that Quebecois hillbilly" and even though I usually defend Shawna-Marie, Mom is right, walking down the aisle to a pop song is pretty white trashy, which is funny because Shawna-Marie isn't white, but I guess if you grow up in Milborough you are pretty white bread even if you're "colored in with the brown crayon," which before you get pissy, I understand is the most up-to-date PC term for being black, at least according to the Milborough Town Bylaws, anyhow, like I was saying, Shawna-Marie was trying to choose between two modern songs, and they weren't even good ones, you know, I favor music that goes BOOM THWACKA WHACKA BOOM and "wrap" music, but Shawna-Marie, being a hillbilly, likes country music, which will make her wedding totally lame if she uses it, well, Shawna-Marie's mom started yelling, something about love and weddings not going together, and I looked at Dawn and we rolled our eyes, because we totally know how ridiculous Shawna-Marie is being, weddings are about TRADITION and PLEASING YOUR MOTHER, after all. Cheeze.

Liz

Hey, Liz, it must B nice 2 C Dawn after all this time. How's she doing? And R U the maid of honour? U mentioned 2 me that Shawna-Marie had U in the front of the line of bridesmaids. Poor Shawna-Marie, even her own mother uses that "Quebecois Hillbilly" moniker on her. Tho I noticed that 4 sum reason Mom got Steph 2 take the reference 2 Shawna-Marie being Argentine out of her profile on Mom's website. Weird, she did the same thing 4 Beatrice Alfarero's profile. Now Bea just has "a colourful past." I wonder what's up w/that. Oh, well, never mind.

Edit: Whoops, I just found out it's the other way around. Maid of honour is @ the end of the line, rite B4 the bride. Sorry abt yr rank, Liz!

Apes

4 Mom or Not 4 Mom?

Here's the l8est from Liz, who posted last nite:

April,

Well, I don't care if you and your stupid friends don't want to read about it, it's my week and I am going to tell you the rest of my story about trying to seduce Candace into being my husband, and you are going to print it in your blog whether you like it or not, got it?

Well next I asked Candace whether she thought she would ever marry Rudy, which was me hinting around to find out how things were going with them, after all maybe Candace had broke up with him and not told me, after all I didn't tell her about Paul being a cheating cheater cheat for months and months after I found out, but drat, no, she said she liked things how they were between them like they already were, which I gathered must mean pretty good, but then Candace said something bizarre about being "legally responsible" for her relationship with Rudy, which can't be good, I mean, I figure that means there is something illegal about what they are doing together and one of them is going to be brought up on charges, which made me feel renewed hope, if Candace and/or Rudy is going to get arrested for whatever sick and depraved sex acts they do together, then I have a chance.

So I mentioned that public declarations of love are traditional, and that made Candace say something about how she would never "cram her bones" into a flouncy white dress for tradition, which made me extremely happy, because in my imagination picture of our wedding, she is going to be the groom and will naturally wear the tuxedo, and I will be in the flouncy white dress, which of course has been my dream ever since I was a tiny girl.

But, at that moment, I could feel Candace gazing at me, and the gaze felt kind of heated, and I don't just mean in a friendship kind of way, but in a sexy marriage sort of way, so in order to impress Candace, who I know does not care too much about weddings, I said I would wear the flouncy white dress, but just because it would make Mom happy, which of course is a lie, but what is courtship, except a series of lies you tell a person in order to convince them to marry you? At that point, I felt things were moving along really good on my seduction plan.

Oh, and Mike, if I marry Candace, I will definitely be having babies from a turkey baster, why on earth would you think I would give up on babies, which are the whole reason for marriage in the first place, sheesh and double cheeze!

Liz

Don't worry 2 much abt Mike, Liz. U know he's totally clueless and can barely keep track of how he managed 2 have kids of his own. Oh, and speaking of Mike? He got in2 1 of his "reminiscing" moods, looking @ the old foto albums from the "whatnot" cabinet? And he came across sum pics of U the summer after U finished kindergarten, rite after Anne and Steve Nichols's baby Leah had been born. And Mike remembered that Mom had been talking abt how Richard and Christopher suddenly had 2 share a bedroom cuz Leah needed her own room. And U BEGGED Mom 2 give U a baby sister, and sed "she can share my room!" Mom laffed an' sed Liz musta given her the idea, and it only took her until 1990 B4 she actually got preggers. Mike chuckled and sed it's the Patterson way 2 take a long time 2 do things. 'Course, @ the time, Mom just yelled @ Liz, all, "Y can't U just nag me 4 a ghetto blaster, like every1 else?!?"

Apes

Liz demands equal time!

Liz wrote in last nite with:

April,

I am more than a little upset that even though it is "my week," you and your stupid idiot no good friends do not want to talk about me, or Shawna-Marie's very interesting wedding, or my dress, or my basement apartment, or my attempted lesboid seduction of Candace who after all has long been known to harbor lesbotic tendencies and a salacious lesbacious love for me, if that isn't interesting, I don't know what is.

Anyway, Candace asked me if I was going to the wedding with Anthony, and I said no, he asked some other girl, and Candace helpfully pointed out that I was going alone, and that gave me a perfect opportunity to make some meaningful looks at her while I made myself sound as desperate as possible while I talked all about how great it would be to go to the wedding alone, which Candace should know is secret code for, "Please ask me out," because Candace has known me forever and knows that I will usually go to extraordinarious lengths to secure a date so I don't do the "loser" thing and show up alone.

In fact, to show my seriousness about being willing to commit to her, when I ate a whole bag of cookies over coffee, I shared the cookies with Candace, and Candace ate the cookies, and I looked at her expectantly, because surely Candace knows Pattersons well enough to know that if they are willing to give you some of their baked goods they could of eaten themselves, they must harbor a deep love for you in the very black depths of their souls, so I gazed at Candace lovingly, but all she did was gobble cookies while talking about how all you need to get married is a minister and your intended spouse, which just showed me Candace is not yet totally aware of the ways of Pattersons, because everyone knows that Pattersons think you need to have at least two weddings, one real and one fake, and two wedding dresses, one a hideous brown sweater dress and one a high-fashion creation commissioned by the Good Witch of the North herself, so I knew then I would have to try harder to seduce Candace, because she seemed quite clueless even after at least 15 years of knowing Pattersons, how disappointing.

Liz

Aw, Liz, it's only Tuesday. I'm sure we'll fit it lots of talking abt U an' Candace an' Shawna-Marie's wedding. But I heard that Candace is going 2 the wedding as Rudy as her d8. Sum ppl saw them shopping 4 a wedding gift and having sum discussion abt not want 2 get a gift they considered "boring" or "obvious" like a blender or a fondue set. And Rudy was saying sumthing abt how they shd just check Shawna-Marie's gift registries, and Candace was saying that wd take out the fun and surprise. Then they talked abt what they wd wear and whether they shd have a secret code 2 let ea other know when the reception was getting boring so they cd make their xxcuses and leave.

Jeremy, thanx 4 giving me an' Axel sum "private time" last nite. He was seriously bummed abt hockey, but I think I managed 2 cheer him up!!!

Apes

Bridesmaid dresses

Liz sez that Candace came by Liz's new apt recently, and was all, "I thought U weren't gonna go 4 a basement apt, Liz." And Liz was all, "I was in a rush, it was available, the rent's OK, it's close 2 work and it's furnished." And Candace was like, "Then, it's...cozy." Isn't "cozy" real-estate language for "small"? NEway, when Liz was showing Candace the bedroom, Candace noticed the bridesmaid dress (for Shawna-Marie's wedding) on the bed, and was all, "Is this the dress?" And lest sum1 C a B/W pic of the dress and colour it in wrong, Liz was like, "Yeah. I'm violet, Dawn is aqua, Alyssa is yellow and Jen is green." Candace was all, "...A veritable pastel rainbow!" Liz held up the dress in front of her and sed, "It's so we can all show up @ sum function l8r...wearing the same dress, and no1 will know we were bridesmaids." Then Liz held the dress @ arms' length, so she an' Candace cd both look @ it, and @ the same time, they both went, "Yeah. Right."

Apes