April's Real Blog

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Rudy and Candace Speak Telepathically

I got an e-mail from Liz. She wrote:

April, I am so excited because I got a special telegram from the Johnston Institute saying I could leave Limbo and that I was going to be the one everyone talks about for a while. Finally. I thought Mike was going to go on with his stories forever, I just couldn't stand it, so I haven't even been reading your blog this week.

Anyway, the telegram said I should report to my apartment and invite Candace and Rudy so we could have a conversation about Anthony. I was hoping my instruction would be to go to Anthony, who would be on bended knee hiding an engagement ring behind his back, ready to say, "Liz, will you marry me and make me the happiest man alive?" You know, all romantic-like. Before I left Limbo, I looked in the mirror and gasped because I saw that I was looking almost exactly like Mike. I was about to let my hair down, but one of the officials at Limbo stopped me and said I was supposed to keep my hair in its bun. So if you think you see Mike but with his hair in a bun, that's me.

As soon as Candace and Rudy got to my apartment, I made tea. Because as you know, it's not possible to have an important talk without tea or coffee, that's why Mom always is ready to make some. Rudy is such a rebel, though, he had iced tea instead of regular, steaming hot tea.

So we all sat and Candace got right to business with her question of "So, how's it going with you and Anthony, Liz?" And I couldn't see her because I didn't have eyes just then, but I ignored that and said, "Really well, Actually." And Candace said, "That is so cool!" Then I remembered what I'm always supposed to say, and my eyes came back, but I closed them just to be safe, and said, "We're taking it one day at a time. We're not rushing into NEthing; we're just totally at ease with one another." Rudy reached across the table to tap Candace on the arm and say, "Just like you and me, right, Babe? We just sort of know what the other's thinking!" And Candace gave her this strange look, I think she was trying to look sexy or trampy, and she said, "OK!" Rudy said, "'OK'... What?" And Candace got really ugly the way people do a lot of the time when you see them from the side, and she said, "What am I thinking?" And Rudy said, "Hah! I knew you were going to say that!" And I sat holding up my head with my hand propped under my chin, feeling I looked more like Mike than ever, and feeling confused. They didn't even have thought bubbles, April, so how could they have been thinking and reading each other's thoughts, that doesn't even make any sense.

I'd tell you more, but now that I'm having my turn, I want to make sure I get to keep it for a while. So I'll tell you more tomorrow. Unless you really annoy me, so I have to chase you and threaten to beat you up. But even then, I'd probably tell some more, because IT'S FINALLY MY TURN!!!


Well foax, something mite actually happen this week. Or mayB not. Liz, U sound xxactly the same as U did this past summer. Has yr relationship w/Anthony not progressed at all since then?


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  • At 11:07 AM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    April, as usual you don't know what you're talking about. Of course my relationship with Anthony is progressing, but only slutty people like Frenchy's mother and maybe Becky McGuire share details about that kind of thing. Mom says it's my duty as a ladylike person to be coy and act like we are taking things very very slow.


  • At 1:40 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Ah, the Johnston Institute strikes again, I see. The Madwoman of Corbeil really did a number on your sister. So much of one, in fact, that she thinks she's fooling people.

  • At 7:19 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, unlike ur sis’ story that hazn’t changed sincelast august (if u can call movin’ in w/anthony & makin’ a long term commitment 2 take care of françoise takin’ thingz slow); we have been bizzy w/our treasure hunt.

    in case peeps have 4got since yesterday, luis guzmán’s gf rosario (the girl who carries a megaphone around w/her, i dunno y) found an old map in the crawl space of the mboro yoga centre which we (u, me, rosario, luis, eva abuya & duncan’s anderson’s silhouette) compared 2 a modern mboro map. lakeshore landscaping wuz listed az a $ on the map which turned out 2b a flower pot coin bank ur mom gave 2 lawrence poirier aftah telling’ him it wuz an antique aztec pot. on the bottom of the pot wuz a secret message which sed, “dzs lnqd ozrsqhdr.” then we went 2 the gold-lookin’ symbol on the map, which turned out 2b brass, cuz it wuz brass’ pool hall & tavern. i don’t ne1 told wut happed there yet, so i guess i cud start, since every1 else iz 2 lazy.

    so we got 2 brass’ pool hall & tavern, which u figgered out rite away wuz the pool hall that ur dad’s cousin fiona brass owns & oper8s. we went nside & u showed ur map 2 ur cousin & aftah she talked a bit ‘bout her cat belmont the iii, she sed she knew xxactly wut we were lookin’ 4 & we were in luck cuz her place had not rilly changed since she took the job there back wen ur dad threw her outa his house back kinda shortly aftah u were born. she sed, “here @the pool hall, we take it 1 day @a time. we do not rush n2 nething. my customers & me r just totally @ease w/1 anothah." then there were sum peeps who got n2 a fite, & ur dad’s cousin broke a beer bottle ovah their heads & threw them n2 the street. then she sed, “uc. totally @ease.”

    then she, “normally, i wudn’t help a patterson nemore than ur mom wud b willin’ 2 hand ovah a piece of greasy, fried chicken. but u happed 2 pull this trick while i'm in a transitional period so i don't wanna b mean, i wanna help u. i have a case i am supposed 2 give the persons w/the map; but i can't give u wuts in this case, it doesn't belong 2 me.” then she sed, “dammit, belmont. where did u put the case? nevah can trust cats they’re always hidin’ things.”

    then she started chasin’ her cat ‘round sayin, “i've already been thru 2 much stuff this morning over this case 2 have 2 deal w/a cat tryin’ 2 hide it.” wen she finally got the cat in her hands, she sed, “now what am i thinking, belmont?" the cat didn’t say nethin’. then fiona brass sed, "hah! i knew u were gonna say that!" then she went ovah 2 a wall & pulled out 3 brief cases. she sed, “pick 1 & take it w/u.”

    luis sed, “but which 1 has the treasure in it?” fiona sed, “u hafta guess.” then luis sed, “but senora, can’t we open them & look?” fiona sed, “no. this isn’t freakin' deal or no deal.” eva abuya sed, “can’t we have a clue which 1 to pick?” fiona sed, “no. just pick 1.” duncan’s silhouette sed, “we shud pick the 1 w/the shadiest cover. thass gonna b the best 1.” rosario sed, “pick the 1 that looks the most like a megaphone.” i sed, “i dunno which 1 to pick.” u sed, “it’s completely obvious which 1 to pick.” & then u picked 1. then u can tell which 1 u picked & y, if u wunt.

  • At 7:27 PM, Anonymous Duncan Anderson’s Silhouette said…


    Jeremy’s story is completely wrong. This is the way I remember it:

    [We walk into the pool hall and tavern. The people there don't look happy.]
    Pool hall people: Hey kids, you’re too young to be in here. Get out and take that silhouette freak with you.
    Eva: Keep chillin'... You know who we are? We are associates of the owner of this establish. ... you do remember who owns this place, don'cha?
    [Eva walks behind the pool people into the bar.]
    Pool Hall Person: Yeah, I - I remember.
    Eva: Good. It looks like me an' my silhouette boyfriend caught you boys at supper...Sorry 'bout that. What'cha havin'?
    Pool Hall Person: Hamburgers.
    Eva: Hamburgers! The corner-stone of any nutritious supper. What kinda hamburgers?
    Pool Hall Person: Giant Ch-cheeseburgers...
    Eva:: No, no no no no, where'd you get them? McDonalds, Wendys, Jack-In-The-Box, where?
    Pool Hall Person: Uhm, the Big Cahuna Burger.
    Eva: The big Cahuna Burger! That's that Hawaiian burger joint. I hear they got some tasty burgers. Ain't never had one myself... How are they?
    Pool Hall Person: Th...they're good-
    Eva: You mind if I try one of yours?
    [They shake their heads]
    Eva: This is yours here, right?
    [Eva picks up a cheeseburger and takes a bite.]
    Eva: M-hmmmmm. This IS a tasty burger! Duncan’s silhouette! You ever had a Big Cahuna burger?
    Pool Hall Person: I don’t think silhouettes can eat that kind of stuff.
    Eva: Duncan’s silhouette! Big Cahuna burger? Wanna bite? They're real tasty.
    Me: Ain't hungry.
    Eva: Well, if you like burgers, give 'em a try sometime... I do love the taste of a good burger. Mmmm. [To :Pool Hall person] you know what they call a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese in France?
    Pool Hall Person: No-
    Eva: Tell 'em Duncan’s silhouette
    Me: Royale with Cheese
    Eva: 'Roy-all' with Cheese... Know why they call it that?
    [Pool hall person shrugs]
    Pool Hall Person: Uh, because of the metric system?
    Eva: Check out the big brain on this pool hall person...You're a smart fellow, that's right. The metric system. Wait a minute! We have the metric system in Canada! Why don’t we get a Royale with Cheese?
    [Eva tosses the burger down on the table. She points at a plastic cup.]
    Eva: What’s that you are eating with your fries, pool hall person.
    Pool Hall Person: Catsup.
    Eva: Catsup! Where is the poutine gravy and vinegar?
    Other Pool Hall Person: It's over there-
    Eva: I DON'T REMEMBER ASKIN' YOU A BLESSED THING!!!!! You, pool hall person, know why we're here? Why don't you tell my man, Duncan’s silhouette, where you got the gold hid at, before he goes all shadow on you.
    [Then the old lady came in dragging the suitcase.]
    Old lady: April, get this crazy, white-haired whacko and her freaky silhouette out of here and away from my customers.
    Eva: Do you want me to punch you out, old lady? DON’T TALK ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND LIKE THAT!!

    Then that’s when we left. I don’t know where Jeremy got his story from.

    Duncan Anderson’s Silhouette

  • At 7:40 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    Chica. I don’t remember anything like what Jeremy or Duncan Anderson’s silueta told you. This is what I remember:

    Rosario and I entered the room. Un silencio fell over the people. In the background there was la música de mi México nativo. We moved together slowly, looking into each other’s eyes. We both knew what to do. We danced close together.

    The people in the tavern watched to see how a Latino and a Latina dance together. They were mesmerized. After we finished, they clapped and cheered. They said, "We will send for the vieja señora with the suitcase." Rosario and I accepted the suitcase with their cheers. People were throwing flowers at us. I said to Rosario, “That is how Latinos should be treated in Milborough.” Rosario said to me, “Luis, te adoro. You are maravilloso. Now we should go some place tranquilidad.”

    That is what happened, chica. These other people don’t know what they are saying.

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 7:55 PM, Anonymous rosario said…


    I think I must have been a different place than Jeremy, Duncan Anderson’s silhouette, or even my Luis. I don’t remember dancing to any música Mexicana. When we came in, it was quiet except for some people playing pool.

    Then the old lady with el gato came out. She saw me with my megaphone and said, “Do you play that megaphone, honey lamb?” I said I did. She said, “Well, why don’t you play us a few tunes while I hunt for this thing April is looking for.” So, I picked up my megaphone and started playing my favourite anti-war classic, “All we are saying is give peace a chance.” The people started humming along with me, and when I was done, everyone in the room was crying, including Luis. He said to me, “That was hermoso. We got the suitcase an hour ago, but no one wanted to stop your hermoso megaphone music.”

    That is what I remember, April.


  • At 9:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so, yeah, i was the one who picked the brief case. as 4 whose version of what happed b4 then is rite, this mite sound strange, but they r all true. i can't xxactly xxplain how that is, but u kinda get used 2 multiple versions of things, even if they are contradictory, being true. the diff is usually u get them all @ diff times insteada all @ once.

    but the brief case. none of them were shaped nething like a megafone, so that suggestion was no help @ all. one of them was black, but shiny, 2, so really not shady. one of them was plastic and plaid. in between them was the brief case i chose. it had tan fake fur all over it, with a print pattern of dark brown paw prints. in kind of cartoony looking purple typeface across the bottom was written the words, "mantener fuera de la injerencia niños." i just knew. that had 2 b it.

    cousin fiona cackled and sed, "good choice, kids, now scram."

    so then the next thing that happed was...

    oh, drat, mom is banging on my door saying i hafta help sum more w/organizing those awful slides.



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