April's Real Blog

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Oh noes, is he cuing a flashback again already?

So, here goes with the bed-buying tale w/Mike:

Formerly little sis. Well, who should happen to show up at the furniture store to make sure I didn’t mess up in buying a bed but my wife, the lovely Deanna? I guess a little bird must have told her I was doing a majour furniture purchase without her input. Called her up, didn’t you April?

Deanna got there and she pointed me over to the beds with the “SALE” sign on the wall and I was informed that this is where I could look for a purchase. I said, “But Deanna, Anthony Caine has a bunk bed for his daughter and we can’t have his little half-Quebecoise girl showing up our daughter, who is a Patterson.” Deanna mumbled something about Anthony Caine as an example for parenting; but I could tell that she had given in to the pressures of social standing.

My kids were already on the bunk bed having politely taken their shoes off. It was kind of an interesting design, April. Most of the other bunk beds had one bed directly below the other for space savings, like Anthony’s Caine’s did; but this one had the other bed poked under the top bunk with the short end of the bed first so it extended out from the bed and it was not attached to the upper bed in any obvious way. I could tell why this bunk bed was on sale, in other words.

My daughter said, “Is this the kinda bed, Dad?” I said to Deanna, “Anthony Caine’s daughter’s bed is better than this.” Deanna glared at me and pointed to the “SALE” sign. So, I grabbed hold of the ladder giving it a mighty Patterson pull, which is always the best way to check a bed’s safety and quality of design. If the ladder can withstand my might, then I’m sure the bed is safe, eh? I said to my daughter, “It’s what I had in mind!” Deanna just stood to the side with her hands in her coat pockets glaring at me.

I felt the time had come for a discussion of my philosophy of bed-buying. I said, “If we get this, Merrie, we can have company! Either you can have a friend for a sleepover or Robin can stay in your room and we can use his room for a guest.” You have to play up the positive aspects of these things to fool the child into thinking things are getting better for them. After all, if my daughter thought about it, she would realize she has more room in her old giant bed than these 2 bunk beds put together.

I was under the impression my son was going to question me about the matter, when I said, “When I was a kid, we called these 'bump beds'!” You see this is the sort of leading statement a Patterson parent uses for distracting their kids---a story about the history behind a pun. My son fell for it immediately and said, “How come?”

As if on cue, my wife, the lovely Deanna had wandered under the bunk bed and stood up too quickly underneath the bunk. The sound of her head to the faux wood of the bunk bed made a “BONK!” noise. My daughter said, “You got it wrong, Mom! Your head is supposed to make a ‘BUMP!’ sound to go along with Daddy’s joke.” She’s such a good girl. I can tell she is going to be a first class punner.

Michael Patterson
Mike, please don't B setting up 4 another flashback to 1979/1980. It's only Tuesday, yo! And no, I did not call Dee. How cd I possibly have dun that when I didn't even find out abt yr bed-buying until after U had already dun it? U goof.

And what's all this abt the bunk bed b-ing such a gr8 thing cuz U can have guests? I can just C how this cd go. Suddenly Weed loses all his $ thru bad investments and "needs" 2 stay @ Mike's house. But just "temporarily," until he's back on his feet. So Merrie and Robin hafta go back 2 sharing a room, "Oh, we know U won't mind, after all it's just temporary." And next thing U know, Weed is just living there w/no end in site, and it looks like Robin is never going 2 get his room back. I know what that's like!


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  • At 12:49 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. My wife, the lovely Deanna, has informed me that in my story when I said that I said, “If we get this, Merrie, we can have company! Either you can have a friend for a sleepover or Robin can stay in your room and we can use his room for a guest.”; in reality she was the one who said that. She also made some comment about how I shouldn’t try to make it seem like in my story, her only purpose for being there was to bump her head for my pun.

    To be honest, it was dark. We had suddenly turned into silhouettes, and I thought I was the one doing the talking. You know how it is when everyone turns into a silhouette all at once. It’s hard to tell what’s going on.

    Also, in spite of your extremely faulty analysis about the financial future of the hugely successful Josef Weeder, Deanna is thinking more in terms of a visit from her long-estranged sister Andrea and her husband and nephew Sean. Don’t tell Deanna, but her sister is never going to come to visit until they work out that little problem that they had with each other.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:52 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i wuz thinkin’ if ur bro & ur sil decide 2 buy a new bed 4 themselves, then mebbe u can convince them 2 give u back ur bed u bought 4 urself in ur old room they have been usin’ evah since they moved in ur old room aftah the apartment fire. u sed it wuz way more comfy than the 1 ur rents got u in the old stibbs’ house & i agree, especially aftah that 1 tyme wen we…um…i think i bettah stop talkin’ now.

  • At 12:58 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    As a refugee I can tell you that a soft patch of ground with no coyotes around is a good bed for a night. As a muy macho Latino, I can tell you that a bed can be made almost anywhere. But my girlfriend, Rosario, needs a place a little more comfortable, or she will use her little megafone to shout things at me, no Latina should be saying to a muy macho Latino like me.

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 1:00 PM, Anonymous Duncan Anderson’s Silhouette said…


    What kind of bed you have is less important to sleep than the lighting. You need a place that’s good and dark. As my girlfriend Eva Abuya can tell you, silhouettes are bigger and longer, the less light there is.

    Duncan Anderson’s Silhouette

  • At 1:04 PM, Blogger howard said…


    My daughter, María came up to me and said that I needed to go bed-shopping with her. I said, “Your bed is perfectly fine.” And then she said, “No, the bed for me and my fiancé Paul Mayes. He’s already started buying furniture for our house together after we’re married, and I want your opinion, Dad.” I said, “Isn’t this a little early? You’re only 11 years old.” María said, “Daaaad. This is Milborough. You don’t want me to end up like that girl in Milborough, do you?” I said, “Who?” María said, “The teacher. The one who had the frontal limbotomy.” I said, “I think you mean frontal lobotomy.” María said, “No. I said it right.” So I had to say, “No. I don’t want you to end up like that. How about a nice bunk bed?” María said, “Dad. Be serious. Those beds are for 2-year-olds.”

    So, we got into the bed store, and I tried unsuccessfully to steer María to canopy beds or beds more like an 11-year-old girl might like. Then we got to some of those beds where you raise or lower the back, like a hospital bed. I said to María, “These might be good for you and Paul Mayes.” María said, “Don’t be silly. Paul is not an old man.” I said, “But by the time you get married he will be. How old do you think his father, Gordon is?” María said, “70 or 80 years old, maybe.” I said, “Sorry, María; but Gordon Mayes is 1 year older than Michael Patterson.” María got very depressed about that. We ended up picking a nice bed with a pretty mahogany frame and a mattress good for people with bad backs.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:29 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Well, he's right again. When you're silhouettes at a distance, who said what to whom becomes hard to determine. I'm surprised he didn't think Meredith had said that to Robin.

  • At 2:17 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Well, I am still here in Limbo, it is not much fun, especially since I ran into Warren, he was sitting with Marjee Mahaha, and I asked them why they were there, and they said that they were trying to be engaged, but that the Good Witch put a cease and desist order on them, and sent him to Limbo, just in case she might want to do something with him in the future, Warren looked very depressed, he said, "All I really want is to settle down with a nice girl, but the Johnston Institute keeps sending me these injunctions saying I have to be a pussy hound," and I asked, "What is that, a dog who chases cats?" and Warren and Marjie just looked at each other very sadly, then I ran into Paul and Susan, they were also very sad, they said that they wanted to get married, but that they had been permanently banished to Limbo and would not be seen or heard from ever again, so they can't do anything except hang out here and work on Native crafts, I almost felt bad for them, then I saw Eric, he was surrounded by blonde girls wearing sweaters, and I did not feel sorry for him one bit at first, but then I saw he looked sad, and I asked him why he looked so unhappy and he said, "Blondes aren't my type. I prefer girls with curly dark hair, big full lips, and brown eyes. Like Tina. But this court order says I have to lust after blondes.", which made me a little happy and also a little sorry for him, and then I saw Dennis North, sitting all alone, I asked him, "Why aren't you out dancing?" and he said, "I can't. This contract I signed with the Johnston Institute said that in order to be allowed to live in Milborough for awhile, I had to agree to go from being gay and vivacious to being sad and sexually confused, and then be consigned to Limbo.", I said, "Why did you sign it?" and Dennis North said, "Even the gay cannot resist the Patterson Allure," and I said, "Well, Anthony resists it pretty good," and Dennis told me that Anthony is just holding out on proposing to me because of the temporary injunction the Johnston Institute issued to him, he wants to propose right now, but the Good Witch won't let him, Dennis says she thinks we need to take is slow, I'm like, "We've known each other since junior high school," and Dennis said, "Still too fast. If you get married, everyone will lose interest in Milborough. Help us, Elizabeth Deborah Patterson. You're our only hope.", well, now I am confused, I mean, it is good for people to care about what Pattersons do and what happens in Milborough, but really I just want to be married already, but I guess I have no choice, it's orders.


  • At 7:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, omg! when i came home from school 2day, mom was on the fone, and i heard her saying, "sure, michael, don't worry about a thing! u can use april's car whenever u want! no, it won't b a problem @ all, it's the least we can do!"

    she got off the fone and i was like, "bwuh? mom, that's MY car, y wd u say that mike can use MY car?" and mom was like, "don't b a spoiled princess!" she sed that since dad's work hrs have b-come so sporadic, dee can't carpool w/him as often as she used 2. so when she can't carpool w/dad, she needs 2 use the car she an' mike have. and mom sez mike needs 2 have access 2 a car 2 take the kids places, do errands, and just, whatevs.

    i'm like, "y can't mike borrow yr car or dad's car?" mom was all, "don't be preposterous! i need 2 have my car 4 groceries and my volunteer work." i sed, "mom, i've been doing @ least 1/2 the grocery shopping, and u haven't volunteered in ages." mom sed, "i'm going 2 increase my volunteer work again! and yr dad needs 2 b able 2 go out and buy model-train supplies at a moment's notice!"

    i was like, "but i use my car 2 go 2 school, work, guitar lessons, and 2 get 2gether w/friends." mom sed, "u can take the schoolbus 2 go 2 school and mass transit 4 the rest." i sed, "that is so unfair! it's my car, i bought it w/my own $!!" mom sed that the only reason i was able 2 do that was cuz of my patterson discount, so i owe this 2 the fam.

    i asked y mike didn't just use the patterson discount 2 get a 2nd car 4 them, and mom sed i just didn't understand the challenges yung families face. i sed, "even when one member is supposta b a best-selling author, and the other is a pharmacy manager?" and mom sed, "quiet, u! keep this up, and u go 2 limbo!" i was like, "buh--y?" mom sed, "listen, the only reason u rn't already in limbo is that the witch has 4gotten abt u. i tell her u're being an annoying martian teenangster, and i'll get u sent there in a heartbeat. think abt it. when was the last time the witch had ne sustained interest in yr story arcs?" i sed, "yeah, it's been a while." mom sed, "as far as she's concerned, yr stories have been resolved. u're not going 2 pursue music as nething more than a hobby, u're going 2 go 2 vet school, and yr dad and i r pretty much dun parenting u." i sed, "but i'm not even 17 yet! u weren't dun w/mike and liz @ my age. u rn't dun w/them now." she sed, "but those r my real kids!" i sed, "i'm not real?" mom laffed and muttered sumthing abt "april fool's joke."

    neway, it looks like mike is going 2 b borrowing my car. a lot. which suxx. but i've read what liz hasta say abt limbo. and i'm scared.


  • At 8:12 PM, Anonymous qnjones said…


    Oh, you are such a picky face, you should realize how good you have it, I didn't get my own car until I was in my mid-20s, until then I had to use borrowed vehicles, and even ride a very unladylike motorcycle that caused me to act childish and get stalked by a clown-haired sikeopath, and you didn't even do it right, when you go buy a car, you wear a Sensible Schoolmarm dress and bun your hair and put on Prissy Pearl earrings, so just let Mike borrow the car, it is his right as the boy child, it's not worth fighting it, besides, trust me, you would not like limbo, I saw Becky McGuire here, putting on a concert, apparently the Witch makes her put Limbo as a recurring stop on her tour, also, Shiimsa is here, and she's REALLY ticked off, and she's shredding everything, including all of my Sensible Schoolmarm dresses, which is a bummer, oh, and I asked Anthony why he didn't tell me about the injunction on us getting engaged, and he said that it was a temporary quasi-real injunction, which could get disappeared or erased at any time, life is so confusing here.


  • At 8:43 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, when u got yr licence, mom an' dad bot that "beater" u used until it died the summer u 1st borrowed the motorcycle. true u hadta share it w/mike when he was home from school breaks, and the car was pretty icky, but still.

    and i dunno y u r sticking up 4 mike when he treats u so bad! when mike came by 2 get my car keys from me, he had merrie and robin w/him. they started 2 fite and merrie called robin a "stupidhead." mike was like, "cut it out, meredith, don't tease yr brother." merrie was all, "how come? u did the same 2 aunt lizzie when u were little." and he actually told her, "yr aunt lizzie deserved it, and she still does!" can u believe that? oh, and merrie sed, "does that mean i can tease aunt lizzie," and mike sed, "of course! but u have 2 use puns and wordplay when u tease her!"


  • At 12:03 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. A little correction to your prior post. That's "Your Auntie Lizzie deserved it because she was cuter; and she still does, even though I am now cuter!"

    That is all,
    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:20 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. My lovely wife, Deanna, has often stated to me that she expects that the reason our children don’t seem to have any friends, is because they are unusually, emotionally attached to inanimate objects. A good example of this occurred the other day. I didn’t witness it myself; but Deanna has pictures.

    It was a dark and stormy night, just the time of night when something unexpected could happen. In our case, the unexpected thing was the delivery of our recently-purchased bunk beds. Why they couldn’t come during the day between 9 and 5, as they said they would, who knows? Needless to say, delivery men in Milborough seem to make their own hours when it comes to delivering things. It was so late in the evening, that Deanna was actually home. The ASAP Delivery truck backed into our driveway and my son or daughter was heard to yell, “The truck is here! The new bump beds are here!” As you can tell, my children have almost immediately picked up on my slang term of “bump beds”. Deanna felt she put the statement over with the kids with her well-timed head injury.

    Up to the front door the delivery men came. I said to them, “Which one of you is Mr. A Sap?” One fellow said, “Are you trying to call us names?” I said, “No. Your truck says ‘A SAP’?" The deliverymen scowled to themselves and muttered something about puns being the lowest form of humour. But what do deliverymen know. They can’t even tell time.

    As they walked down the hall, a silhouette said to them, “Up the stairs, second door on the left, please.” I couldn’t tell if the silhouette was I or not. As the delivery men entered the house with a bed mattress, the whole house seemed to swim in front of me. I could have sworn we had wall paneling in the hallway by the entrance hall and our stairs to the upstairs were right beside our stairs to the downstairs. Yet the paneling was gone, the downstairs stairs were gone. It was almost as if someone had looked at our house and said, “The only thing important here are the stairs and the hall.” I had to go sit down, I was so disoriented.

    While I was doing this, Deanna was taking the crib frame out of the house by herself (because she is strong Deanna). She said she used her power of good motherhood to read from the expression on my son’s face he was thinking, “?!”. This means that he was excited and inquisitive at the same time. So, Deanna told me she said, “I’m taking your crib to a friend who’s going to have a baby, Robin…you’re much too big for this now.” There are some that would say perhaps my son is a little slow, because between the conversation I told you about a few days ago, where I told him he was going to a bed with sides or “wif sides” as he calls it; and the trip to the bed store, where we tried out my daughter’s new bed; it didn’t sink in to him that he would have to give up his closest friend, his crib. I suppose he thought the crib would stay in his new room to comfort him and for him to talk to.

    Deanna put the crib frame against the wall, and my son said, “Can I hug him goodbye?” Deanna thought this was a breakthrough. She was sure that my son was now able to severe his bizarre attachment to his only friend, the crib. And as mom as trained her, you have to preserve those moments in pictures, no matter how strange they may seem, so that 28 years later you can show them to many other people, who can then confirm how strange it was. To that end Deanna said, “Of course you can! …But let me get my camera first.”

    As my son was hugging and weeping over his crib, Deanna told me her thoughts were along these lines: “Where did my neck go? Does my hair in the back really look like it is falling in a sinkhole on the back of my head? Another milestone…another memory.”

    It wasn’t until later when we had to pry my son’s hands off the crib as he cried all night long over the loss of his only friend, “Cribby” that we started to realize just how desperately our kids need friends. Fortunately, now my son is in a room all his own, we can lock him in, and stuff towels underneath the door to muffle the sound of his weeping. I don’t think any of us lost any sleep over it, except my son of course.

    Michael Patterson


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