April's Real Blog

Monday, February 11, 2008

Flashback 2 the Last Time We Had a Friggin' Flashback

OMG, here we go again. AGAIN. This is like torture. (Note 2 Luis, I know it isn't REALLY like torture, so pls don't lecture me.) NEway, Mike is launching in2 flashbacks again:


Formerly little sis. As I predicted last Saturday, the stupefied expression on my wife Deanna's face when I talked about how my little sister Lizzie deserved to be teased when she was little because she was cuter than I was, has led me to remember about a time back in 1979, when I was teasing Lizzie because she was cuter than I was.

Actually, now that I think about this more carefully, "teasing Lizzie" was mom's interpretation of what was going on. It was really something completely different. You know how sometimes we Pattersons let the hair cleanliness go a bit and we attract little fleas near our scalp. Sometimes they look like little dots flying near our head. I've seen them on you from time-to-time, particularly when you go through a long period of having your hair perpetually in one of those super strong hair clips.

Well, on this particular occasion, those little fleas were bugging my sister, Lizzie. So she sat down, as I squatted behind her and reached to see if I could get some of those fleas out of her hair. We didn't have your hair clip excuse back in those days. Mom was just not much into bathing children. It was a fear of potential drowning I expect. She would often say, "If you keep splashing that water, Michael, you're going to drown me." As I remember this occasion, I either wasn't wearing any pants or I was wearing one of those pairs of pants which mom said were from the brand name "Artist too stinking lazy to draw" pants.

Well, I decided to reach for those fleas without opening my eyes and so I accidentally grabbed one of Lizzie's hairs and pulled it. She said, "YAAAH". Mom was on me in an instant, grabbing me with her right hand, which as I recollect had 2 thumbs and then I reached out with my right hand, which also had 2 thumbs. Then the fleas from Lizzie's head jumped to my head and started taunting me. Suddenly I am beginning to wonder if I am remembering this from real life or if I am remembering a dream. The physical details are starting to seem either too much like the illogical sequence of events in a dream, or the illogical sequence of events conceived by a middle-aged housewife living on the edge in Lynn Lake, Manitoba, who could care less how many thumbs a hand has.

In any case, this dream mom said, "Michael, are you going to stop teasing Lizzie, or am I going to have to punish you?" That was a curious question. I was very tempted to ask, "Who are you? What did you do with my mom? And what is this punishment thing about which you speak?" Instead of saying that, I said, "I don't know—what's the punishment?" using my middle finger of my left hand to pick at my teeth, where those fleas had gotten caught. I don't think mom got the message of that gesture. I suppose I should have said, "What is punishment?" to be clearer, but I was young then and not as well-versed at writing as I am today. Even little Lizzie seemed confused by the question of what punishment is, and she stared plaintively at mom for an explanation. Mom looked dumbfounded, as if she never expected anyone to call her on that question.

More memories tomorrow, April. See you then….

Michael Patterson

Well, this is sure 2 B xxcruci8ing. BTW, I M posting this entry by e-mail cuz I M having Blogger trubs. Sorry if the formatting comes out wonky. And I do NOT have fleas, U freak!


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  • At 10:20 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Well, it's not hard to see how he'd be confused by the word "punishment" seeing as he never really had to deal with the concept much. The only way he ever got to know if something was wrong was later on when he figured out what made your mom yell at him.

  • At 1:33 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, u know back on january 1 wen gerald wuz tellin’ peeps u let him eat ur hair? in addition 2 runnin’ ‘round w/ur hair between hiz teeth, he did mention accidentally eatin’ sum bugs in there. frum wut u sed 2day, i told him he wuz lyin’ & u didn’t have ne fleas, & he sed, “jeremy. wen u have kissed april az much az i have, then u will know there’s always gonna b sum black dots flyin’ ‘round her head & eventually sum of them will end up in ur mouth”. gerald sed they were kinda tasteless black dots & i shudn’t worry. then he went off with that girl he’z been spending a lotta time w/these days, kimberly cheveux-nettoyé.

  • At 2:48 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    April and everyone,

    Do not believe the horrible lies that Mike tells about me having fleas, it's not true, and Mike, you ugly jerk, I do not need rumors like this going around about me at a time when I am trying to present my most beautiful, alluring, and cleanly self in a last ditch try to get married, and I don't care what your whiny friend Luis says, THIS IS REAL TORTURE, to have to listen to a week of Mike brag about his stupid kids and stupid parenting and then listen to who knows how long of him remembering about being kids, I HATE MIKE, I HATE HIM, IT IS ME WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE MARRIED, NOT HIM, HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A TRUMPET PLAYER WHO DOESN'T SETTLE DOWN TIL LIKE HIS LATE THIRTIES!!!, and I'm mad at Mom too, she never made him keep up with his trumpet lessons, that is why he got married so young and STOLE ALL MY GLORY!!!


  • At 3:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, i wash my hair and i don't have fleas. just cuz my name doesn't mean "cleaned hair" in french doesn't mean i don't wash my hair, and it's not my fault sum crazy 60yo likes 2 draw little dots around ppl's heads and happens 2 draw me that way sumtimes, it doesn't mean i have fleas or that my hair is not clean.

    liz, i've changed my mind. i m with u. this IS torture.


  • At 3:51 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Slightly older little sis. Calm yourself, Elizabeth. Have faith in the man you have selected. After all, if Anthony Caine was willing to settle for a Quebecoise woman to marry, it’s obvious that cleanliness is not high on his list of attributes for a woman. Plus, you already know he is willing to have you in his house day after day, even with your highly potent Lizardbreath.

    My wife, the lovely Deanna, has had professional aroma therapists in our house trying to remove that particular odour, so that my son can have his own room and not sleep in the same room with his sister. Our plan was to move him into the room in which you were staying previously, until we realized exactly why it was that you kept your door open all the time when you were living in the house last. But all those aroma therapists will say is, “Once the Lizard breath gets into the walls, it’s hard to get out.”

    As for your proclamations that you should be married and not I, well Liz, all I can say is “I told you so.” I told you to stick with your childhood sweetheart. If you had, you could have been engaged back in university.

    As for the trumpeting, I got a good lecture on music early from dad, which guided my way. I remember it well:

    Music has to be fun. That's why it was invented. The very best times with music that I remember were when family and friends got together, gathered in a kitchen or living room, and someone played the guitar, somebody else played the fiddle, and everyone started to sing or dance. These are absolutely the best times! That's when playing an instrument is for the pure love of it. It doesn't matter if you're incredibly good or not. What matters is the fun. Unfortunately music has been turned into a huge industry, and we now have such a lot of hype.

    As for my “stupid parenting”, you should be taking notes. When you and Anthony are married and having half-Patterson / half –Caine kids, you will wish you had taken better notes about my “parenting via egg-timer” methods.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 4:29 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    if there’s ne peeps ‘round her who think april duzn’t wash her hair, i can tell u that she duz wash her hair & b-hind her ears & the back of her neck & lotsa othah hard-2-get-2 places. compared 2 othah girlz, april iz 1 of the cleanest i have evah known & thass the absolute…um…i think mebbe i bettah shut up now.

  • At 4:44 PM, Anonymous duncan anderson's silhouette said…

    jeremy, u don’t know wut ur talkin’ ‘bout. u don’t know about black & dirt ‘till u’ve been a silhouette. my gf eva abuyz iz the cleanest girl @r.p. boire senior secondary. she put so much bleach in her hair, if there were ne bugs up in it, they wud be chemically burnt 2 death by now. april can talk all she wunts ‘bout crazy 60yo who likes 2 draw little dots ‘round her head. i haven’t seen ne crazy 60yo, but i have seen those dots. az a silhouette, i know all ‘bout different kindsa dots.

  • At 4:44 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    I don’t know why you would want a clean girl. My girlfriend Rosario is a dirty girl. Any hot-blooded Latino prefers his chica to be that way. The clean chicas are no fun.

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 4:45 PM, Anonymous Gordie Duroccher said…


    My girlfriend, Vicki Simone wanted me to write in here and say she takes a shower every day. I don’t know why she wanted me to write that, but if she asks, tell her I wrote it. Now I am going back to snow boarding.

    Gordie Duroccher

  • At 5:10 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u don't know what u r talking abt, duncan's silhouette. the crazy 60yo u say u have never c'n is the one who allowed u 2 xxist as a silhouette. bs u saw "those dots." i m getting duncan back from barbados so he can reattach u as a shadow so u can quit spreading lies abt me.

    jeremy, thanx 4 the support. like i need a rumour that i've got fleas, other bugs, or dirt around my head. it's bad enuf i'm stuck in flashback hell. this shizz keeps up i'll just take my blog and go home.


  • At 9:10 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…




  • At 2:30 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Slightly older little sis. Josef Weeder and I were roommates in university. That's not really a rumour. That's a fact.

    One thing else that's not a rumour is how your breath could peel the skin off an orange. Try it and see.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:32 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I think I have already tired of reminiscing about teasing Lizzie in 1979. I decided to reminisce instead about Spring time. I know that technically, it’s not going to be Spring until March, but when it comes to reminiscing about things in 1979, what’s a little thing like a common frame of topic to hold me back?

    I remember it just like it was yesterday. I was sitting in between a space ship and a box of crayons, with my youthful, but seriously misshapen hands against my little cherubic cheeks, looking languidly out into space (which in this situation means with my eyes wide open like I was surprised by something), “I want summer to come!...I’m bored, bored, bored, bored, BORED!” I leaned up to the window with its oddly angled window frame, which would have encouraged water to come in the house, if it could make it past the window. I looked plaintively (which in this situation means with my eyes closed) out at the falling rain of Spring time and said, “There’s nothing to do in here…I wanna go OUTSIIIIIIDE!!!(which in this situation means outside.)

    Mom came over to me and explained in a calm voice (which in this situation means not really like mom at all), “You’ve got a zillion (which in this situation means mom’s math abilities are somewhat lacking) toys, Michael!—Cars, trains, boats, building sets…What more do you want?” I sadly looked in my mother’s face as she spoke and then I turned to the camera and said…Wait a minute? Camera? Why would I be reminiscing about having a camera in my house? That’s really odd, eh? Hold on, mom is telling me something……

    OK. Mom said that as Pattersons we shouldn’t insult people who think they have cameras watching them in their homes, as they are the only ones who truly understand us. Now, where was I? Right. I turned to the camera and said, “Dirt.” And behind me, mom looked astonished to realize that of all the zillion toys had, she could have saved a lot of money and simply given me a nice bag of high quality dirt to play with in the house. No, wait. Mom is interrupting me. She says, “She was astonished because she did not realize what an effect her superb cleaning had on my ability to play inside.”

    Well, there you have it, formerly little sis, another sterling reminiscence of my time in 1979. I think tomorrow I will reminisce about how it was Summer time and how I wished I could play inside.

    Michael Patterson


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