Glimpse in2 our future?

There was sumthing super-weird that happened @ the reception 8 days ago. It was so bizarre, I've kind of blocked it outta my mind until just now!

@ the head table, Liz and Anthony were standing up, kinda huddling 2gether, looking @ Weed, who was crouching on the floor just in front of the table and taking a pic of Francie and Merrie holding hands while Shawna-Marie gave a toast just beyond them.

Meanwhile, a bunch of us were standing, kinda lined up and facing the head table. Lawrence (looking kinda purple) was standing on the left side. Gordo was to L's rite, but standing a bit in front. Then there was Mike, just 2 Lawrence's rite, holding Robin (asleep) and Dee leaning on Mike, like pressing her right cheek 2 his left shoulder while pressing her right hand 2 his back. Then came me, 2 Mike's rite, and then Dad, w/his rite arm around Mom.

Dad suddenly asked Mom, "Elly, if we cd go back in time, I mean... If I asked U 2..." And she interrupted him, saying, "Yes, John ... With all my heart." And just as she sed that last bit, Antman and Liz did a big, showy smooch @ the head table. And I was kind of disappointed she hadn't let Dad finish his question. What if he was planning 2 say, "If I asked U 2 join a commune in Upst8 New York?" Or sum other thing she didn't assume he was asking. Oh, well, she's known Dad longer than I have. I guess she doesn't have 2 let him finish his sentences.

But that's not even where things got weird. Suddenly, behind the head table, a big projection screen dropped down. A picture of Mom and Dad, seen from behind standing on some kinda deck and watching sum mountain scenery @ night, w/a crescent moon in the sky, appeared on the screen. And over the sound system, a voice that was booming and distorted, like the Wizard of Oz, said, "ELLY AND JOHN PATTERSON RETIRED TO TRAVEL, TO READ, TO VOLUNTEER IN THEIR COMMUNITY AND TO HELP RAISE THEIR GRANDCHILDREN!" I whispered, "Mom, U're already retired." And the booming voice sed, "NO INTERRUPTIONS FROM MARTIAN TEENAGERS!"

Then, there was an image of Gramps and Iris holding a baby. And the booming voice went, "GRANDPA JIM LIVED TO WELCOME ANTHONY AND ELIZABETH'S FIRST CHILD [together], JAMES ALLEN. JIM PASSED AWAY AT THE AGE OF 89, WITH HIS WIFE, IRIS, AT HIS SIDE.

Next, the screen showed Liz and the Antman dancing, she in an orange tank top and purple pants, and him in a yellow t-shirt and purplish-blue pants. The booming voice went, "ELIZABETH [Liz!] CONTINUES TO WORK AS A TEACHER. SHE'S DEVOTED TO HER WORK AND TO HER FAMILY, LOVING ANTHONY MORE EACH DAY." Then, the booming voice said, "THAT'LL SHOW THE HATERS!" The next image on the screen was Gord looking about 65 and Anthony looking like he does now, w/Anthony holding a newspaper that has a giant headline of "COTTAGES FOR SALE ." The booming voice went, "ANTHONY MANAGES THE MAYES MOTORS EMPIRE, HAS DRAWN HIS BRIDE INTO BALLROOM DANCING, AND LOOKS FORWARD TO OPENING A SMALL BED-AND-BREAKFAST."

Then, I kinda had to gasp at the disturbing image of Mike that was projected next. His lower jaw was distorted, like mayB Dad had just taken out all of his wisdom teeth. He was pictured sitting at a flatscreen computer monitor, holding up his head w/his right hand, and looking smug. The booming voice went, "MICHAEL PATTERSON HAD 4 BOOKS IN PRINT BEFORE SIGNING A FILM CONTRACT. HE CONTINUES TO WORK WITH JOSEF WEEDER AND TO WRITE FROM HOME--WHERE HE SAYS HIS INSPIRATION AND CONFIDENCE LIE."

Next, there was another disturbing image: Robin w/his mouth gaping open, muppetlike, his hair flipping up in a little curl on each side of his head, Merrie looking like she'd just gotten fresh collagen in her lips, staring ahead bug-eyed, and Dee w/her eyes squeezed shut apparently laughing at the most hysterical thing she's ever heard. Booming voice said, "DEANNA WORKED AS A PHARMACIST UNTIL SHE BEGAN A SMALL SEWING SCHOOL. SHE TAUGHT SON ROBIN HOW TO COOK. THEIR DAUGHTER MEREDITH WENT INTO DANCE AND THEATER. THE FAMILY GOES ANNUALLY TO THE MONTREAL 'JUST FOR LAUGHS' FESTIVAL." I went, "Sewing school? Why, does she go back in time to 1898?" The booming voice said, "DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU, TEENAGER! SEWING SCHOOL IS PERFECT FOR DEE! SHE LOVES TO SEW! SHE LOVES HER SEWING ROOM! SHE REMADE MARIAN'S DRESS!!!"

I decided I'd better shut up for the moment, since there was suddenly a pic of me up on the screen, holding a horse by the bridle and kind of snuggling up, w/the right side of my face against the left side of the horse's. The booming voice told us, "APRIL PATTERSON GRADUATED FROM UNIVERSITY WITH A DEGREE IN VETERINARY MEDICINE. HER LOVE OF HORSES LED HER TO A JOB IN CALGARY AND AN OPPORTUNITY TO WORK WITH THE CALGARY STAMPEDE. COUNTRY LIVING AND A COUNTRY BOY KEEP HER 'OUT WEST'!" I said, "You know, through my veganism and Jivamukti yoga, I've adopted the philosophy that animals are not ours to use. Even if I were given the opportunity to work with the Calgary Stampede, I think I'd decline." And the booming voice went, "INGRATE VEGAN FREAK! WELL, MAYBE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM FROM WITHIN!" I said, "Well, I guess I have around eight years or so to figure that all out." And the booming voice went, "WHATEVER!"

Next, the screen went blank and then just had text projected on it: "THE EXTENDED FAMILIES, FRIENDS AND ACQUAINTANCES OF THE PATTERSONS CONTINUE TO LIVE AND GROW, LOVE AND LAUGH AND EXPERIENCE LIFE AS WE DO... AS IF PART OF A COMPLEX NOVEL, WHOSE PAGES ARE CAREFULLY CRAFTED AND THEN TURNED BY ANOTHER HAND." Then the screen lifted up.

Francie went, "Wait! That's IT? What about ME?" She noticed some rustling behind a curtain on the right side of the reception hall and she ran and pulled it open. There, we saw the Witch of Corbeil! She was wearing a purple shirt, her hair had turned brown, and she was sitting at a drafting table! At first, she spoke into the microphone, so her booming voice was going, "PAY NO ATTENTION TO WOMAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WITCH OF CORBEIL!" Then as she saw Francie start to tear up a bit, she pushed the mic aside and went, "Aw, heck."

Then she said, "Thank you-- To my syndicate, publisher, family, staff, readers and friends for encouraging me these past 29 years--as 'For Better or For Worse' grew from simple sketches to an intricate 'saga' involving many characters. If I could do it all over again... Would I do some things differently? ...I've been given the chance to find out!! Please join me again on Monday as the story begins again... With new insights and new smiles. Looking back looks wonderful!" Then she signed a piece of paper she had on her table and held it up. The signature was "Lynn Johnston."

How weird is that? I don't even know what to say. Well, except thanks 2 all of U who have been checking in on my blog since I started it back in June of 2005. U've been through my grade-eight grad, my "band" drama, zits, Liz being "come after," meeting Paul, Mike having fights with his neighbours, making fun of them in his column, Mom flapping and honking, Dad playing w/trains, being clueless, Liz throwing away her relationship w/Paul, Mike running back in2 a burning building to save his lappy while leaving Dee to "fend for herself" on the fire escape w/2 scared lil kids, and on and on. Tomorrow, I think everyone in Mboro will be dwelling on the past--remembered in a diff way from how ppl ever remembered it B4. And I'll be focusing on my last yr of senior secondary school.

So, I guess I'm kinda saying goodbye to U all. Keeping this blog has helped me not go too crazy, being surrounded by my crazy fam always treating me like I'm defective (when they're not ignoring me). I dunno if I might check in here now and then 2 upd8 U on stuff, but my daily updates are def. over. Big love to all of U!

Apes

A premonition for the Sunday people

I only got a coupla hrs of sleep after Liz's bachelorette party that went till dawn (not 2 b confused w/Dawn w/a capital "D"). But I still woke up knowing sum more deets on Liz's wedding day. But I kinda think these deets mite B sumwhat outta sequence and compressed, like they're a special assortment 4 the ppl who only get 2 hear abt us on Sundays.

So, like, I'm gonna tell Mom that Annie sez they'll B serving vegetarian nibbles w/dips on the side, and Mom will think, "Nibbles and dips?" I think this mite B a stupid reference 2 "kibbles and bits," but whatevs. Actually the nibbles and dips will B vegan (thanx 4 that lil concession 2 me, Annie), but I won't wanna confuse Mom more than she already is.

Dee will come up 2 Mom all, "Michael sez the musicians have arrived. ....When do U think they shd start?" Mira will say, "I have the flower girls dressed, but I can't find their baskets!" I'll say, "Aunt Georgia wants 2 know where 2 put all the gifts, Mom."

Dee will find a cuff link and ask Mom if it belongs w/one of the tuxes. I'll take a call from Anthony's mom and share that she wants sum1 2 take photos of the cake B4 it's cut. (That shd B a big "duh," cuz who doesn't do that automatically, but I guess she knows abt my fam and the Pattersnarfing.)

Robin will ask, "Who gets 2 go in the 1st limousine?" Merrie (holding the flower-girl basket that will have been found) will wanna know, "When do we get started?" Mira will ask, "Has NE1 seen the hair brush?"

Mom will sit @ the kitchen table and go all flabbergasty w/"::SIGH:: ...Elizabeth [LIZ!] and Anthony wanted a SIMPLE wedding, John. ....How did it turn in2 such a production?" Dad will put a hand on ea of Mom's shoulders and go, "I guess every1 wanted 2 B a part of it, El. Every1 wants it 2 B a wonderful, magical day." Then he'll lean down, hug her from behind, and go, "It's as simple as that." And mom will smile weakly.

Beatrice, sorry abt my sister being such a mean drunk @ her bachelorette party. I think she feels the need 2 reassure herself that she hasn't lost her "Patterson allure."

Apes

Dee, kids, and Mira

Weird. I woke up realizing I hadn't had another precognition abt Liz's wedding day, 23 August. But then I came over here, checked the comments 2 last nite's blog entry, and found that patrickrsghost had had a psychic dream abt it! Here's what he wrote:

After eating a large hot fudge sundae last night, I had a strange dream.

I was sitting in front of my TV, and it suddenly came on. I saw an image of a living room that I didn't recognize at first, until I realized it was the living room of your old house, Mike and Dee's house. I saw three kids dressed in teal and lavender clothing, and when they came into focus, it turned out to be Merrie, Frenchy, and Robin. They were chasing each other in the living room (are Mike and Dee still in the same house your parents once owned? I didn't recognize that portion of the living room), with Merrie saying "SHREIK!" and Frenchy saying "GIGGLE!" while Robin chased her, reaching out to grab her. Dee came into the room and said "Robin, Francie, and Meredith! Stop running around!" The camera then panned to a different view, showing the back of them, and Dee escorting them into an adjoining room. She then said "You're going to get dirty. Sit down and behave your-selves." Yes, she did hyphenate "yourselves". They then began playing with each other on the magically colour-changing couch, that turned itself teal to match the girls' dresses, and began to NUDGE. BOP! POKE! and GIGGLE!. The camera then panned away and went back onto Dee and Mira, and Dee said, "Mom, all I want to do is keep them clean and calm until after the wedding!" Mira then replied, after putting a hand on Dee's shoulder, "I'll help with that, dear." She then walked into the room with the Teal Couch and after losing her eyes, she looked down at them, held out a bowl, and said, "Here...have some candy." while Dee looked in on them all gobsmacked. That's right Mira. Calm them down and keep them clean with lots of sugar.

NE1 think it's strange that my brother's mother-in-law was invited 2 my sister's wedding? I think the reason is moments like this one that patrickrsghost described. Sum1 figured we needed a "villain," eh?

Apes

MayB it's something about the house?

Well, I didn't wake up 2day w/a premonition abt the wedding day, 23 August. I dunno if that's cuz I was up l8 w/Liz's bridal shower and then slept l8, 2, or if it's just cuz Sundays R different in our world. I kinda think it's "Sunday's R different."

But don't worry, I still have a story 2 share w/U. This is sumthing Dee told us last nite @ the shower, rite after Liz passed out. She sed that when Liz was having her final fitting of the not-Marian gown, Merrie and Robin came in as Dee was struggling w/the zipper and Merrie giggled. Dee told Merrie, "Come on, guys... Find sumthing else 2 do!" I'm not sure Y the kids giggling in the doorway is such an awful thing 2 do, but whatevs.

Apparently, she knew that the 1st thing they'd do is settle in front of the TV, and 4 sum reason, this offended her, 2, cuz she went, "And don't go plunking yourselves down in front of the tV!" Next, she knew they'd go 4 sum snacks, and she didn't want this either, so she was all, "And don't go grubbing around in the fridge!!" Then she knew they'd go out w/buckets and shovels 2 play in the sandbox, and so she went, "U're wearing good clothes, so don't get dirty!!" Next thing she knew, she was looking out the window, espying Merrie and Robin, totally naked, playing in the sprinkler."

Dee told us, "I felt my mouth fall open, gaping, my eyes bugged out, and my entire posture...." She waited a moment as she saw Mom going 2 use the washroom, and then she sed, "I felt that I looked like a short-haired, blonde Elly Patterson! My 'short' hair was even trying 2 arrange itself in2 a bun, which it cdn't, but it tried!" And I told her, "I don't want 2 scare U, but that whole thing U described, that's xxactly how Mom wda dealt w/the situation." And Tracey Mayes said, "Really, Deanna, if U objected 2 all the things U knew yr children wd want 2 do, Y didn't U just tell them sumthing U didn't object 2? Like 'Hey kids, how about U colour in yr colouring books.'" Dee said, "I don't know. It seems as though just a few yrs ago, I wd have 'thought' of that." And I sed, "MayB it's the house." And everyone kind of nodded, xxcept 4 Liz, who was still passed out. And then Mom came outta the washroom and said, "What's everyone agreeing abt?" And Dee said, "The house has a powerful effect on me." And Mom kinda puffed up w/pride and sed, "Of course it does! I put many years of 'Elly Patterson' in that house." And everyone kind of xxchanged secret looks.

Thanx 4 yr compliment abt my hair, Beatrice! I loved having it down and flat-ironed--I wish I cd wear it like that all the time!

Apes

Things that make you go, "Whatever"

Dee came by early this morning 2 tell Mom abt how Robin got himself all dirty by digging in their yard and rolling around and kicking and stuff. Dee said that she found him in a dug-up area by the fence and took him inside 4 a bath, and that while she was bathing him, she was thinking, "How can so little sand get in2 so many places?" I sed, "If he was digging by the fence, and not in the sandbox, wasn't it DIRT that got in2 so many places?" And Dee, sed, "Um, yeah, I guess so." And I sed, "How come he wasn't playing in he sandbox?" And Dee sed, "Well, I don't know."

Then Mom sed, "Quit interrupting, April. Adults are speaking. Deanna, I know EXACTLY what U mean! Y I cd tell U stories abt Michael that wd curl yr hair!" Then, she got this stricken look on her face and sed, "Oh, my God, MICHAEL! What's going on with him? Has the Johnston Institute unerased him yet?" And Dee looked blank 4 a second, and then she pulled a letter out of her purse, and handed it to Mom. "This just came in yesterday's mail," she sed, "It sez they R making 'progress' w/the process of 'recorporealizing and reintegrating Michael Patterson.' They don't specify when he'll B back, tho."

Mom took the letter, read it, snf-snffed a bit, and handed it back 2 Dee. She was like, "U came over here and the story U led w/was 'Robin got dirty' and not 'Michael's progress'?" Dee looked kind of sheepish, but Mom threw her arms around her and went, "U really R one of us now!"

Then I was like, "Dee, who's watching the kids?" And Dee was like, "Uh-oh! I left them alone! Michael erased is so much like Michael busy 'writing' that I 4got. I've gotta go, Mother-Elly!" And she did.

Apes

Blogging from Beyond

Hello, April Patterson's readers. This is the Ghost of Grandma Marian, hacking into April's account. Normally, we ghosts are urged not too interfere too much in the lives of the living, but sometimes a spirit just gets fed up!

Recently, my daughter Elly and granddaughter Elizabeth went to the home of my grandson Michael and his wife Deanna, so that Liz could try on "my" dress, after Deanna's alterations. I commented here before to say that I don't know whose dress that is, but it ain't mine! My dress had a high collar, buttons up the front, mutton-chop sleeves, and no lace. It fit in perfectly with my image as a veteran of the Royal Canadian Air Force.

So, Liz put on this dress that looks like something you can pick up off the rack at any bridal store today, and she stood up on a block that Dee had placed for her. Dee was pinning the hem, and Elly was kneeling in such a way that, for a moment, I thought she'd lost her legs. Then I saw one pathetic little heel of hers peeking awkwardly behind the swath of white fabric she was holding aloft, and I knew she still had legs, only they were poorly attached.

Next thing I knew, Dee was pulling at Liz's bodice, pins in mouth, as Elly held the pin cushion and Liz had an incongruously smug expression on her face. Maybe it was the novelty of being "felt up."

Liz continued to look smug, closing her eyes and posing as if a photographer from Modern Bride were in the room, and Elly said, "You've done a wonderful job on this dress, Deanna!" And Deanna said, "Thanks, Elly!"

Liz opened her eyes as Dee tugged at the waist line and said, "It sure was hard to cut the fabric. I kept wondering what your Mom would think." And Elly said, "My mother would have loved to see her wedding dress worn again." I guess that's true. I wonder where it is?

Elly told Liz, "Turn around again, please, Elizabeth." And Liz twirled about while saying, "Like this?" Elly said, "Yes... I think she'd have been very happy. And if she was here right now.... She'd be helping you to try it on." I was about to say, "No, Elly, it's 'if she were here right now,'" when suddenly I saw another ghost, a plump, cheerful, stereotypical 'grandma' type, holding a ghostly veil aloft, as if she were about to place it on top of my granddaughter's head.

Naturally, I had to intervene. I tackled her and said, "Who the heck are you?" She said, "Why, I'm Emma Sue Jenkins! I used to live just down the street, when I was alive that is. I love weddings! I used to crash every single wedding in Milborough, and no one ever stopped me, because I was a sweet old lady and they figured I knew someone. I think this veil would look lovely on your granddaughter." I said, "Don't be stupid. You can't put a ghost-veil on a living bride! Didn't you read the manual?" Emma Sue got up, dusted herself off with her ghost-veil, and said, "Hmph! I'll find another wedding to get involved with!" And she passed through the door.

Later, as Elly bathed in the claw-footed tub that's in the basement of their new house (the space that's supposed to be April's), I stood to one side and judged her. What kind of a mother is she, spreading lies that April's been picking flowers from the neighbourhood gardens, just so she can simultaneously get April out of the house (to use the tub) and also cover for that no-good son of hers, whom she never taught you should never steal flowers from people's gardens? I'm going to judge her some more after I wrap up this entry for you all.

Cordially yours,

Ghost of Grandma Marian

What's Mom Now--Part-Time or No-Time?

More on the stupid-boring gardening convo between Mom an' Connie. They were putting away the gardening supplies when Connie asked Mom, "Do U really want 2 B a full-time parent again?" Hearing abt that made me go "BWUH?" Isn't Mom supposed 2 still B a "full-time parent" 2 ME? Normal parents don't stop thinking of themselves as "full-time parents" when their youngest is 17 (or really last yr when I turned 16), rite? I'm not tripping, rite? B-sides, did a miss a memo abt Mike, Dee, Liz, and Anthony all moving 2 Ecuador and leaving Merrie, Robin, and Francie w/Mom?

Gah. NEway, on 2 Mom's dumb response 2 Connie's dumb question. Mom dumbly sed, "No. 2 B honest, I just don't have the energy." [2 remember I xxist.] Mom went on w/"I used 2 B able 2 chase kids all day, Connie. Especially Michael. When my Mom sed she hoped I'd have a child xxactly like I was--she got her wish!" Wow. So Grandma Marian was a mean and spiteful old bird. Nice.

Then Mom continued, and decided 2 work in the current retcon abt Michael: "Michael drove me crazy. But he was smart and funny and I loved him. ...And when I look back @ it all, he made me what I am 2day." Connie prompted Mom, with "Proud? Confident?" And Mom went 4 her punchline: "Um... Tired, actually. Just tired." Connie did an ugly-faced sticky-outy tongue laff rite on cue.

Uh-oh ppl. Look @ this sitch. It's Saturday. I just finished telling U a CONNIE story ending w/Mom reminiscing abt chasing Mike and Nizzie when they were little, and how Mike made Mom all kinds of tired. What does this sound like the prep 4? Yeah, I'm thinking it, 2. Prolly a wk's worth of "ZOMG NO! FLASHBACKS!" :(

Jeremy, def movie and pizza. Wow, I can't believe Brad Luggsworth's side gig. I guess being a cop doesn't pay as much as he'd hoped, eh?

Apes

Reminder that Mom's all done w/me

It seems that removing the sleeves of the not-Marian dress became deconstructing the whole thing and remaking it. As Dee was cutting fabric, she was telling Liz, "Yr Mom has been so good 2 us, Liz. She takes the kids all the time. I don't know what we'd do w/out her!" As she fit the remade bodice around Liz's 4shortened torso, Dee went on w/"Michael's @ home most days, but he's not a househusband. He needs time alone 4 his writing... And I work 5 days a week." W8, Merrie's in school and Robin's in daycare @ Merrie's school. Mike can't be alone w/the kids 4 a couple of hrs ea afternoon evening, in the time between the bus arriving and Dee returning from work?!?!?!

NEway, Dee hunched over her sewing machine and went, "We try 2 B independent, but we've really needed the extra help." Liz sed, "Yeah... I hope Mom won't mind doing sum baby-sitting 4 us, 2!" Really? What happened 2 Anthony's mother?

Liz went over 2 our TTH 2 ask Mom abt this, and Mom sez her thot was, "But... I've already RAISED my children!" When Mom told me this, I kinda glared @ her, and she went, "WHAT?" Then, "Oh. Right. You. Well, U know, in the olden days, U'd B married and having yr 2nd child by now!" I sed, "It's not the olden days!" And Mom sez, "I live in a fantasy bubble!" I sed, "True enuf."

Dunc, I M on my way over 2 yr house 2 stop U from taking the GO train. U have no idea how much I had 2 argue w/the principal 2 get yr xxam rescheduled. U R NOT leaving! (But yeah, Mom totally 4got me again.)

Apes

No borrow--let's hear some BIDDING!

As Dee was working on the alterations 2 the not-Marian gown, She sed 2 Liz, "The 1st couple of yrs will B fun... And then U'll start C-ing ea other in a different lite. U'll go from being lovers to friends, parents, business partners, roommates, co-workers..." Liz replied, "Anthony and I have been friends 4 a long time, Dee. ...And I already feel like a parent!" Dee tells me that Liz had a slitely panicky look on her face as she sed this, and guessed it mite B cuz she was realizing that she and the Ant had skipped rite over the "lover" part B4 they even got married. When Dee sed this, I sed, "Oh, like in that oldie from the 80s, by the Motels, the one that goes, 'Take the "L" out of "lover" and it's over.'" Dee gave me a funny look and sed, "Yeah, sumthing like that."

NEway, the next thing Dee sed 2 Liz was, "Trust me. Marriage is a real challenge, and I wanted 2 let U know that we'll B there 4 U, Liz. NEtime U guyz need NEthing, let us know, OK?" Liz was like, "Well, there IS sumthing we'll B borrowing from U, Dee..." And Dee went, "What's that?" That when Liz was all, "Yr babysitter."

Er, no. No1 "borrows" me. Bidding war. We'll start the bidding @ $2/hr above my current base r8.

Dunc, OMG, I'm so sorry U slept thru yr xxam! I think U ended up having, like, 21 dbl-dbls. MayB we can talk 2 the English teacher and get U rescheduled.

Apes

Continued Dress Hijinx

Liz sez she brought the not-Grandma Marian dress over 2 Dee and asked her if she cd make the dress sleeveless. Dee was like, "I can make this in2 a sleeveless dress, Liz--But will yr mom mind if I cut the fabric?" Liz replied that Mom doesn't mind. Of course she doesn't mind! It's not like it's REALLY Marian's dress. This just proves it! And since when is Dee a seemstress?

NEway, Dee had cut off the sleeves and she had Liz put on the dress. Crouching by Liz, pulling @ the side of the dress and doing sum measurements, Dee sed, "Well, this is really happening, isn't it. [Not a question, U C.] U guys R taking the plunge!" Liz was all, "I guess U cd say that!" Dee got up 2 do sum vertical measurements of Liz's boob area, and Liz went, "But we're both good swimmers, Dee." Dee answered, "I know U R, but U're just getting yr feet wet now, Liz...." She put down her tape measure, picked up a pin cushion, and sed, over her shoulder 2 Liz, "And marriage ain't no backyard pool!!"

Oh, Gah, friggin' wordplay again. Pls make it stop!

Apes

Gobsmacking over kids and wheelchairs

Early this morning, Mike and Dee came by the house w/Merrie and Robin, 2 beg Mom, last minute, 2 take the kids so they can attend sum kinda seminar 2gether in Toronto. Mom was like, "I dunno. Grandchildren R the gift that keeps giving. So what do I get?"

Mike was like, "Well, I have a heartwarming story 4 U. Dee and I heard abt all the credit April was getting 4 being the only Patterson who spends quality time with Grandpa Jim. And of course I couldn't let that stand! So Dee and I arranged 2 take him out 4 a picnic lunch, yesterday afternoon!"

Dee said, "Even tho it was 31 C [87 F 4 U Yanks], I insisted that we all wear jackets."

Mike added, "That's the Patterson way!"

Dee continued, "As I was zipping Robin's jacket, I said, 'I want U 2 to B on yr best behavior [sic] 2day.' Then, 2 make sure the children 'understood' what was going on, I added, 'We're going 2 take Great-Grandpa Jim 2 the park 4 sum fresh air.'"

Mike sed, "Did U know we have a blue SUV?" Mom and I both shook our heads and he said, "Well, we do! And as we parked in the wheelchair-logo parking area, I told Grandpa Jim, 'The kids R so xxcited abt bringing U 2 the park 2day, Grandpa!' And Grandpa Jim replied, 'Yes!' April, did U notice he sez that a lot?"

I said, "Of course. 'Yes' is one of the words he's able 2 say w/his aphasia, U dope! And what U call a 'wheelchair logo' is a pictogram meaning 'handicapped'!"

Mike said, "There U go, being a know-it-all again!" Mom nodded really hard.

Dee said, "Once we'd gotten every1 out of the car, and we were nearing a picnic table, I declared, 'Here's a perfect picnic spot!"

Mike went, "Yes, and I sed, 'Looks good 2 me!' Also, I thought Gramps would enjoy hovering, so I lifted his wheelchair in the air a bit on the way 2 the picnic table."

I sed, "Mike, that's dangerous!"

Mike was all, "Nonsense, April, Gramps obviously thought it was fun. He grunted in delight!"

Dee was like, "Elly, I was so proud, because the children were being so attentive of their great-grandpa! Merrie asked if he wanted to sit at the table, and Robin asked if he cd help!"

Mike grumbled, "And Grandpa answered with that ever-present 'yes' of his! But in any event, I got him out of the wheelchair and seated at the picnic table."

Dee added, "Meredith was so cute, holding on2 her great-grandpa's rite arm and making sure he was seated safely! Once he was, she and Robin both asked him if he was OK. He said, 'Yes.'"

Mike said, "C what I mean?" Every1 ignored him. He added, "When my son asked him if he was 'comftorful,' Grandpa Jim said it again. 'Yes.' Then I told my children, 'Robin and Meredith, that was so nice. U helped a lot just now--and I want U 2 know that I'm proud of U 4 being so thoughtful."

Dee told us, "That's when Meredith said, 'Grampa? ...Cd we play w/yr wheelchair?' U shd have seen it, Elly and April! Michael and Jim had matching 'gobsmacked' looks on their faces!"

Mom chuckled and said, "Kids! They say the darndest things! OK, U're rite, my heart is warmed. U can leave the kids here. But U mite want 2 start thinking of a nice little 'surprise' 2 bring me when U return. My heart can only stay warm 4 so long."

Dee went, "Thanks, Elly!" as Mike said, "Thank U, Mommy!" Then they teararsed outta there like they'd just robbed a bank.

Mom sed, "April, take these food scraps 2 yr dad in his workshop. It's time 4 him 2 feed." So I did.

Apes

Mom and gifts

Mike has sum stuff 2 tell abt what happened after he and Dee visited w/Weed and Carleen in Toronto:

April,

Formerly little sis. After a fun evening of wrestling with Josef Weeder, while my wife Deanna and Josef’s significant other Carleen Stein watched, we finally had to head back to our home in Milborough. I think Deanna got a little excited, seeing manly men like me and Weed wrestle. Her eyes were all perked up and she said, “It’s been an exciting day, hasn’t it.” I had the feeling she might have gotten a little aroused about seeing my wrestling skills, and might want to put me in a few wrestling holds of her own. To stave this off, I simply said, “Yes…I’m exhausted!” That usually works when Deanna says it to me.

I think that Deanna sensed what I was saying, and she began to try to convince me otherwise. She leaned over to my side of our car causing a shift in weight which made the wheels on our vehicle to actually touch the road. Deanna moved in close to me. I could feel her hot breath so close to mine. She nibbled on my ear and then engaged me in one of my favourite topics of conversation, which almost always turns me on: My mother. Deanna said, “We’re lucky that your mom takes the kids for us. She makes life so much easier.” Then when she said, “easier” she gave me a sultry look telling me she had just made a pun on the word “easier”. As you know, April, a pun is the way to man’s heart. I was beginning to warm to the idea of wrestling with Deanna. I responded with “She really is a godsend!”

Deanna did not react well to this. Deanna said, “A godsend? Oh good grief, Mike. If she were a godsend, she would have come to our house to sit the kids, so they could go to sleep in their own beds, instead of insisting that we bring the kids to her house. When we have April baby-sit us, she bathes the kids and puts them to bed in their own beds. I’ll bet we are going to find our children wallowing in their own filth.” I did not like the way this was going. I was getting out of the wrestling mood. I said, “Let’s stop and get the flowers.” Deanna said, “Yes. I suppose we are going to have to get them from now on, ever since you forgot your mother on Mother’s Day.

As we approached mom’s house, Deanna was still fuming. I tried to placate Deanna’s anger by saying, “I can’t imagine what we’d do without her.” Deanna sighed and said, “A lot less, that’s for sure.”

Mom was there in her night robe and her hair was down. Deanna looked briefly perplexed. I said, “It’s mom. She just has her hair down.” Deanna said, “She wears it down?” Mom sensed her indecision and said, “For me?!!” as she took the flowers out of Deanna’s hands.

We got the children, and I for one was grateful for the extreme care mom had given my children. I mentioned this to Deanna and she said, “You know, Mike. When I picked up Robin and felt his very full diaper, it brought a smile to my face.” I wasn’t sure why, but at least Deanna didn’t make me change the diaper.

That’s all I have for this week, April. Perhaps I will regale your readers again next week.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Then he also had this to add on:

April,

Formerly little sis. Mom read my writeup and wanted me to point out that as we left, she thought the thought, "Grandchildren: The Gifts that Keep on Giving." I said to her, "Is that supposed to make sense?" Mom said, "It will make the perfect design for the side of a marketable coffee cup one day." It was difficult to argue with that logic.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, I really doubt Dee was punning when she used the word "easier." Seriously, U R going way overboard looking 4 puns. Oh, and abt Robin's diaper. I overheard Mom talking 2 Connie the next day, saying, "I could have changed that diaper, but really, he'll never learn to use the po' if he doesn't experience discomfort." Can U believe that? Hm, that reminds me--I think I might need to increase my babysitting fee.

Apes

Mike and Weed "Hug"

I'm sorry in advance 4 NE scarring images this entry mite create in yrs heads. Consider yrselves warned. Here is the l8est from Mike:

April,

Formerly little sis. Ah the good old days of university. I remember them well. Just the other day, when my lovely wife Deanna and I went to Toronto to our old apartment building to visit with Josef Weeder and his significant other, Carleen Stein; I was sitting in front of a coffee table which held some snacks, and I felt the rush of memories from days gone by. I said to Josef, “We’ve been friends for a long time, Weed.” Weed had his hand in the snack bowl and said, “I’m guessing it’s like 13 years.” Weed is not particularly good with exact dates and times because of all his years when Weed was not just a nickname but a way of life for him. However, 13 years seemed about right to me too.

I looked down at his hand in the snack bowl, and it brought forth another rush of memories. I said, “Remember? We were so broke!...Living in that dingy apartment…” I was about to mention our old landlady Mrs. Dingle but whenever I do that, I have to call and make sure she hasn’t had another stroke, I mean heart attack, no stroke. Anyway, Weed continued by saying, “Begging for laundry money…eating beans!” instead of eating fine snacks.

Suddenly it went dark and being in the dark with Josef brought forth another rush of memories of times when Weed and I were in university in the dark. Weed said, “And now we’re doing OK!” and he “WHAK”ed me in the head. I said, “Yeah! We’re doing OK!” and I “BOOT!”ed him in the knee. Then we were wrestling, just the way we had done in university. I grabbed Weed’s right arm while his left arm had me in a headlock. So, I put his left knee between my thighs and oh my…just a moment….I need to step back a little.

OK, I am back now. Just needed a little rest. Where was I? Yes, Weed and I were wrestling and I grabbed him from behind so his back was resting against my chest. His right arm was reaching back for my head, as he attempted to buck me off him. We were starting to get sweaty, as our bodies writhed against each other and…oh goodness…I need to take another brief rest.

Well, I feel much better now. I am certainly glad I got that out of my system. Unlike when I was in university rooming with Josef, this wrestling ended with my lovely wife Deanna and Carleen Stein walking into the room as Deanna said, “Isn’t it nice to see guys hug.” It was embarrassing, I must say. One of my biggest nightmares is the idea that my wife would walk in on me and Josef doing the types of things we used to do when we were young and foolish and living together in university. It is certainly not the kind of behavour she would expect out of her husband and the father of her children.

It just goes to show that when you have a good friend like Josef Weeder is to me, there is always that sense of playfulness about us, no matter how successful we may each become.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Uh, ew. And it was closer 2 14 yrs ago. Fall of 1994.

So, Friday. We get @ least another day of Mike and his book. NE wagers on whether this continues Monday?

Happy long wkend 2 my peeps in the st8s!

Apes

Mike wrings rungs

Mike has sum more 2 tell U all abt the whole "book" thing:

April,

Formerly little sis. I remember back to February 14, 2007, Valentine’s Day, a day when one spends time with your beloved. I remember it in particularly because I had gone to Toronto to get Josef Weeder to check out the contract for my book deal, when he revealed that he and Carleen were buying Lovey Saltzman’s apartments using a loan from Jo’s dad. Josef and I drove over to see the burnt out apartments where we used to live and Lovey was there. Then Jo described his plans for the apartments which looked like nothing but silhouettes back in 2007. It was a magical time and made especially magical getting to share it with Jo…and Lovey, and listening to him as he described his plans for the future.

Well, my lovely wife Deanna and I went to visit Carleen and Josef in those apartments after all their renovations. Let me tell you April, what a difference a year and 3 months make. They look like apartments again and not like silhouettes of apartments. Also, Josef and Carleen have moved into the downstairs landlord spot previously occupied by Lovey and her husband, the never-seen and practically invisible Morrie. I think someone was taking care of our kids while we went there. Hum! Was that you? I forget.

In any case, since this was shortly after my book had been published, most of the conversation naturally revolved around that, as it was the social event of the Milborough season. Carleen was there, and she looked more like the Carleen I remembered from years gone by, except for that bulge in her pants. At least her face was almost back to normal. She said to me, “You’re gonna be famous, Mike!” This was, of course, another tip-off it was not really Carleen, who almost never says things like “gonna”. However, I did not want this fake Carleen to know I was on to her / it; so I responded the only way a Patterson could respond, which was, “I don’t want to be famous, Carleen…I just want to make a decent living.” I am sure you know the kind about which I am talking, formerly little sis, i.e. just like mom and dad make a decent living.

Josef Weeder pointed out that “If this book sells like the last one, you’ll be sailing!” This is what I love about the man. He can come up with a pun, and it isn’t even the end of the conversation. “sailing” is a reference to the storyline of Blood Cargo, about a young sailor on a sailing boat in 1874. Josef was handing out champagne flutes as he said this and when I realized it was Josef handing out refreshments instead of Carleen, who usually does it, I had another confirmation for my suspicions. I reached for the champage to have one, while saying, “You’re not doing so badly!” It was subtle….probably too subtle… to let him know I was onto this fake Carleen.

By the time Josef handed out champagne flutes to all 4 of us, he responded with “Yeah, we’re paying down 2 mortgages and putting some in the bank!” Deanna said, “Life is good!” because she loves getting to drink alcohol. I think she missed the part of Josef paying down 2 mortgages, which is not exactly a model of life being good. The 2 mortgages are the one on his photography studio and the one on those apartments he bought from Lovey.

Suddenly it went dark. Josef said, “Damn it. I have to go get a ladder and climb up to the attic to fix that.” And he said in yet another spectacular pun / toast, “To climbing the ladder!” Which we repeated back to him. You see, April, Josef had to get a ladder and climb it, but the phrase also means becoming more successful, so it works as a pun with the conversational topic.

Then I raised up my champagne flute and said, “And, here’s to those who helped us onto the first rung!!” Those champagne flutes were awfully skinny and I noticed my hand practically had to mangle itself to hold it. Deanna said, “Mike. Hold it normally, or you are going to spill it all over…Sheesh, Mike. What is it with your family and deformed hands?” Josef said, “What do you mean? Are you saying I should raise a toast to my father, who loaned us money for this property? I pay him interest, man, and he makes a big stink about how flaky photographers are when we are even the least, little bit late.” Carleen said, “Now, Josef. Don’t exaggerate. You and your father are getting along better than you ever have. Now that he’s seen you’re with a nice Jewish girl and not chasing after Shiksa models and you are willing to make investments, I am sure he will put you back in his will.” Deanna said, “I am sure Mike is just talking about me. After I got the job as the pharmacy manager, I started making enough money so that Mike could quit his job at Portrait Magazine and work full-time on his writing.” And of course I pointed out that although those were excellent guesses, I was really making a toast to our mom. Without her help and those fabulous editing skills, I would have never done as well as I have done. Deanna was in a foul mood the rest of the night. It was a mistake to let her drink. She cannot handle her alcohol.

Someday, April, when you are a famous veterinarian, you can look back on that moment when you realized that if it weren’t for mom, you wouldn’t be climbing the ladder of veterinary success.

Love.
Michael Patterson

Yes, Mike, it was me watching yr kids. U're welcome. And I think U R so pun-obsessed, U R forcibly C-ing them where they weren't even intended. But NEway, whatev I achieve will B from working super-hard. In spite of Mom.

Anonymous, about Lilliput's. If U weren't reading Mom's monthly letters regularly back when we were still doing those (and I wdn't blame U), U mighta missed where Mom discussed selling books for grown-ups. She lamented that classic literature didn't sell better than it did and mused that it might fare better if she gave the old classics categories like "bodice rippers" and "thrillers." I suggested that they might redecorate the store so that ppl don't assume they don't sell grown-up books, but Mom doesn't listen 2 me.

Apes

Happy Mom's Day , Moms!

Hey, Howard, thanx 4 taking Dad home after that deep discussion @ Lilliput's. When Dad got home from that, Mom was taking a bubble bath. Dad was kinda whimpering outside the bathroom door, so Mom bellowed, "John Patrick Patterson, U quit that whimpering right now! I've EARNED the rite 2 B LAZY 2day! Do U know what I did while U were philosophizing at Lilliput's? I got a carload of groceries from The Grocery Guys, put the groceries away, made a double-crust apple pie while keeping the point of my tongue sticking out of the left corner of my mouth the entire time, vacuumed the whole house even though the vacuum fills the house with a disconcerting, giant 'SSSSRRR SSSSRRR RRR RRR,' which I've asked U 20,000 times 2 fix, I laundered and put away the linens, took out the trash, groomed Edgar (our only dog, rite?), cleaned the kitchen counters, and sed, 'WHEW!'"

Dad sed, "Hmmph! I had 2 listen 2 a bunch of being trying 2 wax philosophical at your former bookstore. How old is that Francie Caine anyway? She talks like she's in her 4th yr of university!" Mom sed, "She's 3, w/advanced verbal skills." Dad sed, "C'mon Elly, it's not just a matter of verbal skills. Her cognition is way beyond her years!" And Mom sed, "Shut up, John, there is no continuity issue here!" And Dad sed, "Bwuh?"

NEway, 2day is Mother's Day. Happy, happy 2 the Mom types out there. We're going 2 the Mother's Day brunch @ Gordo's place, Country Kitchen, 2day. It's gonna B me, Mom, Dad, Liz, Mike, Dee, Merrie, and Robin. It seems Françoise is spending Mother's Day with her mother, Thérèse, and Anthony is spending the day pouting.

Apes

Mike sed "Yes"

I got a lil e-mail from Merrie. Here's what she had 2 say:

Hi, Auntie April! It's Merrie. Do you need a story for your blog? I have a story. Attic Guy/Daddy was typing at his computer. I said, "...Daddy?" He said, "Hi!" Then I said, "Daddy!" And he said, "Mm!" He was not really listening. I can tell. I asked, "Daddy? Can I have a cookie?" He didn't say anything. He just shut his eyes and typed so loud all his TAP TAP TICK TAP TAP TAP TA-TAP TICK TAPPITA TAPPITA TICK TIK TICK TAP noises fillled up the air. I tried again. I asked, "Daddy?" He scrunched his eyes like something hurt and went, "Mmm?" I tried again. I went, "Can I have some cookies? Can I get down a box of cookies an' eat them? ...All of them?" He didn't say anything. He was staring at his screen like I wasn't there. I said, "Dad?" Then I asked, "Daddy? Are you listening to me?" Daddy said, "Uh-huh.. Yes. Sure!"

I ran over to Robin. He was waiting to hear about what Daddy would say about the cookies. I told him about the "yes" and we ran to the kitchen. I got a chair and climbed on the counter and got the cookies from the cabinet. Two boxes. One for me and one for Robin. Then we both sat on the counter and ate cookies right out of our boxes. Then when Mommy came in and got that look you call "gobsmacked," I told her, "Daddy said 'yes.'" He did, you know!

Love,

Merrie

U got him there, didn't U, Merrie? Well played. Try listening next time, Mike.

Apes

That wasn't what I meant

Gerald's in my science class. Wdn't it B interesting 2 know what happened in our science class? Like did we have a lab, and what type of science R we studying this yr, NEway? But no, it seems I M supposta B discussing what happed rite after our science class, when every1 but us 2 had left and we were dawdling.

Ger was all, "Do U think I'm crazy 2 want 2 tour w/Becky's band, April?" And I sed, "No. I think it's a wicked idea, actually." Sum of us @ RP Boire have decided it's funny 2 pretend we R from Boston, Massachusetts. NEway, I went on, as I picked up my notebook (4tunately avoiding the chemical spill on the counter), "I mean, she IS famous. U R gonna B onstage w/all the action, an' lites, an' screaming kids!" I finished picking up my notebook, and Ger came up 2 me and I looked up @ him and sed, "And Gerald... U really R a good drummer. U shd go 4 it. Do what yr heart tells U 2 do." And Ged sed "Thanks." Then he put his notebook sumwhere, I don't know where, put a hand on each of my shoulders, and kissed me on my mouth while actually saying "SMOOCH!!" Then he retrieved his notebook from wherevs and sed "Your suggestion!" Meanwhile I was so stunned I felt myself getting glassy-eyed, blushing, and saw six lines appear in the air, by the rite side of my face.

Sorry abt that, Jeremy, but like I sed, it was Gerald who did the "SMOOCH" on me. I didn't "suggest" it, despite what he sed. But just this morning, I overheard sumthing v. creepy. Mom on the fone. On her side, it was, "Yes, your Royal Corbeilness, I did distribute the memo 2 April's teachers, informing them that she is broken up with that Jones boy. As if! Of course it's going 2 B Gerald. We chose him 4 her when they were both eight yrs old!" Then she saw me and sed, "Got 2 go, the eagle has landed!" And hung up. I was like, "MOM! I'm w/Jeremy! Gerald and I agreed we're on different paths! We're not ending up w/ea other just cuz Mike and Liz both ended up w/their childhood sweethearts!" And Mom sed, "Your destiny happens whether you fite it or not. U can let it happen EZ, like Mike did, or U can make it difficult, like Liz!" And I sed, "U sound just like MIKE!" And Mom sed, "Yr brother is a wise man, April! Not 2 mention a published author!" And then I went 2 the washroom and got sick.

Apes

Dad shares strategies w/Mike

Yep, more stories from the Patterpast coming yr way, via Mike. Here goes the l8est:

April,

Formerly little sis. There was a moment when Elizabeth was modeling Grandma Marian’s old wedding dress in front of Dad where he was looking at it carefully and saying, “I’ve seen this dress before. It’s…” and then both mom and Deanna gave Dad such a glare it could have peeled paint off the walls. Actually it did a little, so I need to buy some touch up paint. Dad followed up with “It’s absolutely and definitely Grandma Marian’s dress. There is no doubt in my mind it is Grandma Marian’s. Yessir. Grandma Marian’s.”

After the ladies left, I said to Dad, “That was a close one Dad. You almost revealed where the dress really came from.” Dad said, “Michael. That was not close. That was an easy one. When your wife gives you a look like that, you know you are headed in the wrong direction. The most difficult ones are the ones where your wife doesn’t give any direction.” I said, “Like what?”

Dad said, “For example, back in 1979, your mom would lie in bed at night and say, ‘Considering I’m over 30, John, I’ve decided to be very objective about my looks.’” I laughed when he said that. I said, “Mom? When has she ever been objective about her looks?” Dad said, “Exactly. So she would continue on and say, ‘So---on a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say I’m 7…What do you think?...or am I 6?...(There are odd days I’m 8)….)’” I interrupted saying, “Then you must have said, ‘Oh, I think you act older than all those ages.’?” Dad said, “No, Michael. When a woman is talking about her appearance, a husband must never make jokes, at least not jokes that make any sense. You can say something like, ‘I’ll always be able to read between them (lines)…’ which makes no sense at all; but never tell a joke. The best thing to do when you are lying in bed and your wife starts talking about her appearance is to close your eyes and pretend to be asleep.” I said, “Does that work?” Dad said, “Not very often, but it is worth it when it does.”

I said, “What do you do when it doesn’t work?” Dad said, “Well. When she insists on getting an answer, which she usually does with a single word question like, "WELL?", then what I do is say, ‘If you think I’m falling into that trap, you’re crazy!’” I said, “Does that work?” Dad said, “Boy does it ever. Instead of talking about her looks, which is a very dangerous topic, you are instead talking about her sanity, which is much safer. She will almost always say, ‘Well, if I’m crazy, it’s you and the kids who drove me there.’ Then, if you are lucky, she will be in a huff, roll over and go to sleep after muttering to herself for an hour. If you are not lucky, she may go back to her original subject.” I said, “What happens then?” Dad said, “If you have to give her a number, 7 is a pretty safe number. It’s higher than average, but low enough so she will believe you are giving her an honest answer.”

It was another valuable lesson from Dad. He is wise in the ways of the womenfolk.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Hm, it seems sad that Mom was trippin' over being "over 30." No1 seems 2 consider "over 30" 2 B "ZOMG teh old" these days, eh?

Howard, that was an interesting theory U had abt Mom's nose being surgically altered to gather up skin that wd otherwise wrinkle, but if it has been, I don't know NEthing abt it. MayB Mike wd know.

Apes

How NOT to cut hair

Mike has sumthing 2 share w/U all. The good news is that it's from the present. The bad news is that it's this:

April,

Formerly little sis. Although it seems like my wife, the lovely Deanna, never has any hair grow on her and her perpetual bowl hair cut, the same cannot be said of my son. I know I had hoped that growing up, he would be like I used to be, with the receding hairline that caused me to bear more than a casual resemblance to that of my good friend Linus van Pelt. However, my son’s hair did not meet that expectation. It grew, and it grew enough so that my wife finally took him to a hair cutter.

I know that some people might say that over 3 years old, my son should have been going to haircutters regularly for some time; but those people do not understand the peculiarities of Patterson hair. When you think about it, April, how long has it been in your very own blog where you mentioned going to the hair salon for a hair cut or a change in your hair style? I am sure it has been months and months. Patterson hair just doesn’t grow that often or that quickly.

Deanna took my son to the Studio Salon next to the Video Store in the Milborough Mall. She had been forewarned that she might need to take a toy to distract him, while the haircutter did her business; but unfortunately no one told her that it was a good idea to give the toy to our son to distract him. As she told the story to me about her waving this toy around, while my son flailed about, it was pretty obvious what the flaw was. However, I restrained myself from mentioning it as Deanna recounted how a little storm cloud appeared above her head. Shortly thereafter, Deanna and my son left the salon doing the standard Patterson “wave goodbye while you are a few steps away from the doorway”. The haircutter stood at the store entrance and waved, which Deanna attributed to being “nice” and I attributed it to being the least busy haircutter (thus explaining her incompetence with my son).

Later that night, as my son lay sleeping, a mysterious creature approached my son in his slumbers. A creature armed with a pair of scissors. Yes, it was my lovely wife, Deanna, determined to give my son a haircut without him knowing. She had decided to rely on her knowledge that my son is not very light sleeper. She “CUT CUT CLIP CUT cut CUT” away at his hair on his left side with tiny two-fingered scissors. As my son briefly, “SNORK!”ed, she pulled away with caution, fear, and what appeared to me to be a deformed right hand. I have often noticed that of all the body parts of the Pattersons, which frequently appear to be deformed, the hands and fingers are usually the first to go.

Then as my son rolled over to his right side with a “MMFFF SNORK MMM SMACK SMACK, ZZZZ” sound, my lovely wife Deanna hid behind the protective gate on his bed; so that he wouldn’t see…I mean hear…That doesn’t work either. Could it be that she was trying to use the gate to block the air flow between her and my son, so that he wouldn’t catch her scent in the air?

She approached him again and “SNIP cut clip CUT CUT cut cut” on his right side. Deanna finished just before she went into a silhouette, which would have made seeing a little more difficult. My son reacted with a “SNORT UMPH SNZ”, and my wife hid behind the gate once again.

This next time, my son had moved so he was lying on his back with his face directly forward. I approached from behind in silhouette, as I heard the sound “CLIP, SNIP, CUT, CUT CLIP, CUT” and assumed from the sound and the fact I saw my wife with the scissors in her hand, these sounds came from her haircutting. However, looking more closely, I noticed Deanna was bent over. I began to suspect those sounds had come from some other source than haircutting. In other words, Deanna had been cutting something other than hair. Also, I noticed that Deanna was pointing her left hand fingers to my son as if she had him in some kind of magic spell.

She told me that at this point she thought “DONE!” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she had completely missed the back of my son’s head. However, my son, the sound sleeper, had slept through it all, including when Deanna said out loud, “READY!” to me. That was my signal to pick up my son so that Deanna could collect all the hair cuttings in his bedsheets and replace the bedsheets with new clean ones.

Even as I lay him back into his bed, all he managed was a “SNRK” to indicate he knew anything had happened to him. This bolstered my wife’s confidence, and she said to me, “Tomorrow night I’ll cut his toe-nails.” This left me with a gobsmacked look on my face. After all, she had not tried taking my son to a nail salon before suggesting this.

He’s only a few months older than 3 years. I am beginning to wonder if it’s too early to think about toenail-cutting for my son. He may be too young. After all, April, when is the last time you can remember having to cut your toenails?

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, it is v. cruel of U 2 ask abt when was the last time I changed my hairstyle. U know v. well abt my hair curse, which has been demostr8ed 2 U so even U had 2 admit it was true. No matter what I do w/my hair, it goes in2 the stupid bun I almost always have. Every once in a while, I get a v. brief reprieve, like when I got 2 wear my hair down 4 Gym Jam, or when I got 2 wear it down with just the front strands pulled back, on the day Liz called me "picky face." As 4 my toenails, I have 2 trim them all the time. I just down blog abt that, cuz it's a v. boring topic.

Dee needs 2 get Robin used 2 having his hair cut and toenails trimmed when he's awake. I remember from babysitting Paul and Rosemary Mayes that they resisted this stuff @ 1st but they got used 2 it. Cuz Tracey didn't resort 2 handling it all when they were sleeping!

Apes

Edit: Mom just informed me that, for some reason, we have an alternate story to discuss 2day. She sez ppl haven't seen or heard abt the pets in so long they R starting 2 spread rumours that she tossed them in2 the basement 4 the entire winter. NEway, yesterday, Eddie went outside 2 dig up bones and composted garbage. When Mom was "SCRAPE, SCRAPE, GLOPP, SPLTT-ing" dog food in2 Eddie's bowl, I joked that she needn't feed him cuz he'd decided 2 eat out. Get it? "Out?" Yeah, I know, that was totally unfunny and I need 2 get out more. Plus I was having a "fugly" day, w/my hair titely bunned in that propeller 'do and me wearing a pink top and purple pants Mom picked up @ the mall on clearance and insisted I "try" cuz otherwise she wasted $5.99.

Second Edit: Mom sez she goofed and we R prolly gonna B discussing this doggie story again two wks from now. Sorry abt that. Mom may or may not have stopped feeding Dixie.

I agree with Mike--Check forecasts for Hades Freezing Over

Mike has sum more 2 share abt when he, Dee, and Liz went 2 C Gramps while Liz was wearing the Magical Mystery Wedding Dress:

April,

Formerly little sis. Continuing my story of my important part in helping Elizabeth secure the permission of Grandpa Jim to let her wear Grandma Marian’s old wedding dress. Deanna and I stood in the corner. Then we turned into silhouettes. Then we went into the kitchen to see if there was something to eat. Fortunately, Iris always has a little something lying about. Deanna and I had at it.

In the meantime, Elizabeth decided to launch into a series of “Yes and No” questions, and she was fortunate that Grandpa Jim was in his “Yes” mood. Who knows if he actually meant “Yes”, but at least he didn’t start saying “Boxcar” or swearing like he usually does when I visit.

What did Liz ask him? Let me see. I believe it was, “You do remember this dress, don’t you, Grandpa?” He responded with “Aaahhh…yesss, yes.”

Then Liz said, “Anthony and I have decided to get married.—Would it be OK with you if I wore Grandma Marian’s dress?” He responded with, “Ohh…yesss!”

Then Liz said, “Thank you.” and she leapt to the ground at Grandpa Jim’s feet and grabbed his arms so vigorously, I thought she was going to pull him out of his wheelchair. I think Iris did too, and she started to pull Liz off Grandpa Jim while she was saying, “Elizabeth, it will make him so happy to see you walk down the aisle in that dress!” Clever woman, trying to make sure she and and Grandpa Jim get invitations to the wedding.

Then she grabbed Grandpa Jim’s arm and said, “You will be happy…won’t you Jim.” This is just to remind everyone that Grandpa Jim has been doing the depression thing ever since he had a stroke. So, Iris was trying to extract a promise for him to be in a good mood at the wedding, and not his usual, swearing, cranky cuss.

Then, as I predicted, Grandpa Jim thought “We were so happy” and managed to generate a thought bubble with him and Grandma Marian in it from their wedding day. I decided to take a look at it; because I was looking forward to being overwhelmed with a sense of romance and grandparently nostalgia. I thought I might even shed a tear, just like those people who drink coffee with mom.

I turned to my lovely wife Deanna and said, “Who the heck is that woman? And why doesn’t her dress look like the one Elizabeth is wearing? The flow of the skirt is wrong. The material around her chest is different. Grandma Marian wore glasses. They didn’t have contact lenses back in 1946. What is that weird stuff coming out of the back of her head? Oh my god, Deanna. Grandpa Jim was married to some other woman than Grandma Marian?”

Deanna said, “Don’t be an idiot, Mike. That’s Grandma Marian.” I said to Deanna, “It most certainly is not. Grandma Marian in her wedding dress looks like this. Why has no one told me that Grandpa Jim was married 3 times?”

Deanna said, “Shut up, Mike! That’s Marian.” I said, “Deanna. I’ve gone along with this charade long enough. That’s not Grandma Marian. Grandpa Jim can’t even thought balloon the same dress right in front of him that Liz is wearing. He’s thinking of some other woman and some other wedding.” Deanna said, “Oh, Mike. Somewhere out there is someone looking at this thought balloon and weeping for the memory of their grandparents on their wedding day. Doesn’t that make it all worthwhile?”

I said, “Only if they are complete, brainless idiots.” Sorry, April, but the idea that Grandpa Jim would thought balloon a different woman than Grandma Marian has set me on edge. It’s one thing for him to ignore Iris, but to ignore Grandma Marian is beyond the pale.

Love,
Michael Patterson

OMG, U guyz! I agree w/Mike abt sumthing! Yeah, that is totally NOT Grandma Marian's dress, and I M totally wondering if sum1 has implanted sum false memoriez in Gramps's brain. And notice when he was asked if he remembered that dress he sed, "yes," but no1 confirmed that he remembered it as Grandma M's dress! What else cd he B remembering it from, eh?

This is all v. disturbing.

Apes