April's Real Blog

Friday, March 28, 2008

Ew

Mike has more 2 say abt when Liz came by 2 show off her ring and Dee got her 2 try on the crawl-space wedding gown:
April,

Formerly little sis. Continuing my story about my part in the day where Liz tried on Grandma Marian’s dress for the first time. We were in our kitchen, my wife Deanna, Liz and me. Liz had on the Grandma Marian dress and was extending the front part of the dress by holding it with each of her hands. She could have fit a lot of people under that dress. So, I picked this moment to say, “Whoa! Gram’s wedding dress fits you like a glove!” My wife Deanna shot me an evil look and she said, “It was meant to be, Liz!---You should wear it!” As you know, April, our sister is obsessed with that fate stuff, so Deanna was really pushing her buttons with the “meant to be” line.

Liz went to look at the dress in the mirror and out of nowhere, this extra piece of material showed up on the back of the dress to make a big ruffle. I could have sworn it wasn’t there yesterday. While she was looking in the mirror, Deanna grabbed the neck of the dress to pull the material back, so Liz couldn’t see that Grandma Marian had a little more up front to fill out the dress than Liz does. While she was standing in front of the mirror, Liz said, “I wonder what Grandpa would think if I decided to wear it. I should ask him first.” Get this, April. Liz didn’t want to take the dress over to Grandpa Jim’s apartment and show him on a later date, after calling in advance to see if he was awake. She wanted to go right then and there, while she was still wearing the dress, and Deanna and I had to come with her. Deanna was dumbfounded, but not so dumbfounded that she forgot to call you to come over and take care of the kids. You weren’t there, but it’s the thought that counts, and the fact that the kids had not killed each other or burnt down the house when we got back.

The whole way over to Grandpa Jim’s, Liz was saying, “He probably won’t remember what her dress looked like. …It was such a long time ago. Grandpa Jim’s memory is pretty bad anyway. Even if he does remember the dress, he can’t say anything about it because of that 'faze yuh' thing he has. But what if he decides he doesn’t want me to wear it and he wants to snuggle with it like a blanket. That would be too gross. He already has those pictures of Grandma Marian, Iris put beside his bed. Darn her! He might have forgotten about Grandma Marian, if it weren’t for those pictures.”

Then when we finally got there, Iris got Grandpa Jim ready, and Liz walked in the door with the dress on. I said to Deanna, “Look. There’s a picture of Grandpa Jim and Grandma Marian in her wedding dress on the mantle. Grandpa Jim’s not going to think this is Grandma Marian’s dress Liz is wearing. He is going to call your bluff.” Deanna just said, “Michael. You should not ever underestimate what a lecher your grandfather is. He will say whatever it takes to be able to grab a young girl.” Sure enough, Grandpa Jim reached out toward Liz and his arm got longer and longer as Liz said, “Or…perhaps it all feels like yesterday” which I suppose was her somewhat punny reference to the idea that Grandpa Jim was trying to feel her.

More tomorrow, April. Will Grandpa Jim let Liz wear the dress? Will he figure out it’s not really Grandma Marian’s dress? Will he figure out that Liz is not Grandma Marian? Will he get confused about seeing Liz in a wedding dress and assume that she already got married without telling him? Or will Grandpa Jim have a series of vivid, emotion-packed, thought balloons remembering Grandma Marian wearing the same dress Liz was wearing? For the answers to these questions, check in tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson
If Gramps starts having thot bubbles like that, I'll bet it will B cuz sum1 implanted him w/false memories. I read an article abt that once. I wonder who wd go 2 all that trub 2 give Gramps False Memory Syndrome?

Jeremy, sorry my Grandma Marian brot the Leafs bad luck last nite. I never wda thot she'd B a Bruins fan.

Apes

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3 Comments:

  • At 7:03 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    I expect your brother is right, both about your grandfather thinking he wasn't invited to the wedding and his thought-bubbling about the Miracle Dress.

     
  • At 11:29 AM, Anonymous Ghost of Grandma Marian said…

    What happened to my dress? My drehhhhhhhhhhhhs? MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY DREHHHHHHHHHHHHSSS!

    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

    Ghost of Grandma Marian

     
  • At 3:09 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Continuing my story of my important part in helping Elizabeth secure the permission of Grandpa Jim to let her wear Grandma Marian’s old wedding dress. Deanna and I stood in the corner. Then we turned into silhouettes. Then we went into the kitchen to see if there was something to eat. Fortunately, Iris always has a little something lying about. Deanna and I had at it.

    In the meantime, Elizabeth decided to launch into a series of “Yes and No” questions, and she was fortunate that Grandpa Jim was in his “Yes” mood. Who knows if he actually meant “Yes”, but at least he didn’t start saying “Boxcar” or swearing like he usually does when I visit.

    What did Liz ask him? Let me see. I believe it was, “You do remember this dress, don’t you, Grandpa?” He responded with “Aaahhh…yesss, yes.”

    Then Liz said, “Anthony and I have decided to get married.—Would it be OK with you if I wore Grandma Marian’s dress?” He responded with, “Ohh…yesss!”

    Then Liz said, “Thank you.” and she leapt to the ground at Grandpa Jim’s feet and grabbed his arms so vigorously, I thought she was going to pull him out of his wheelchair. I think Iris did too, and she started to pull Liz off Grandpa Jim while she was saying, “Elizabeth, it will make him so happy to see you walk down the aisle in that dress!” Clever woman, trying to make sure she and and Grandpa Jim get invitations to the wedding.

    Then she grabbed Grandpa Jim’s arm and said, “You will be happy…won’t you Jim.” This is just to remind everyone that Grandpa Jim has been doing the depression thing ever since he had a stroke. So, Iris was trying to extract a promise for him to be in a good mood at the wedding, and not his usual, swearing, cranky cuss.

    Then, as I predicted, Grandpa Jim thought “We were so happy” and managed to generate a thought bubble with him and Grandma Marian in it from their wedding day. I decided to take a look at it; because I was looking forward to being overwhelmed with a sense of romance and grandparently nostalgia. I thought I might even shed a tear, just like those people who drink coffee with mom.

    I turned to my lovely wife Deanna and said, “Who the heck is that woman? And why doesn’t her dress look like the one Elizabeth is wearing? The flow of the skirt is wrong. The material around her chest is different. Grandma Marian wore glasses. They didn’t have contact lenses back in 1946. What is that weird stuff coming out of the back of her head? Oh my god, Deanna. Grandpa Jim was married to some other woman than Grandma Marian?”

    Deanna said, “Don’t be an idiot, Mike. That’s Grandma Marian.” I said to Deanna, “It most certainly is not. Grandma Marian in her wedding dress looks like this. Why has no one told me that Grandpa Jim was married 3 times?”

    Deanna said, “Shut up, Mike! That’s Marian.” I said, “Deanna. I’ve gone along with this charade long enough. That’s not Grandma Marian. Grandpa Jim can’t even thought balloon the same dress right in front of him that Liz is wearing. He’s thinking of some other woman and some other wedding.” Deanna said, “Oh, Mike. Somewhere out there is someone looking at this thought balloon and weeping for the memory of their grandparents on their wedding day. Doesn’t that make it all worthwhile?”

    I said, “Only if they are complete, brainless idiots.” Sorry, April, but the idea that Grandpa Jim would thought balloon a different woman than Grandma Marian has set me on edge. It’s one thing for him to ignore Iris, but to ignore Grandma Marian is beyond the pale.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

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