April's Real Blog

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Liz Patterson, Future Stepfriend?

More from Liz:

I am soooooo good with kids! That's why I'm such a superduper teacher. Frenchy wanted us to have our conversation while pretending to have tea using her tiny tea set. I tried to tell her it was for dollies and not people, but she would'nt listen, so we had to sit cross-legged next to the littlest table other than Dad's "train layout" furniture and Merrie's dollhouse furniture.

While holding one of the itty-bitty teacups, I told Frenchy, "Your Daddy and I have been friends for a long time, Francie. That won't change. Not ever. No matter what." I pretended to pour myself more tea from the little teapot and told her, "And the BEST thing now, is that he has a wonderful daughter--so I get to be YOUR friend, too!" Then I wanted to get Frenchy to say we're friends, because that's just good teaching, April. So I asked her, "We are friends, right?" And she said, "Uh-huh... Do you want milk an' sugar in your tea?"

I figured I might as well teach her how I like my tea, so I said, "Just sugar. Lots an' lots an' lots of sugar." Frenchy showed a trait we'll have to work on. Questioning my choices. She said, "But... it'll be too SWEET!" In case Anthony might pop in and read my thought bubbles, I pulled her onto my leg and thought, "One's imagination can never be too sweet!" Then I imagined Frenchy going off to boarding school and me celebrating by having cake!

Liz, R U sure it's such a gr8 idea 2 present yrself as Francie's buddy? If U marry Anthony and become her stepmom, U will hafta act all parent-like and have sum, like, authority. If U R her "friend" she can say she doesn't hafta listen 2 U.

Note to Mike: Do NOT tell me 2 take notes for "when [I] marry Gerald"; I am NOT gonna marry Gerald! (No offense, Gerald.)


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  • At 9:58 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You shouldn’t take notes for when you marry Gerald based on Elizabeth’s story today. Drinking tea with a half-Quebecoise girl? That does set a very bad precedent. I have a daughter and I have not had a tea party with her, no matter how many times she has begged me, and she is not even half-Quebecoise. Not only that, but Elizabeth sets up a perfectly good pun and fails to say it out loud. That is just bad form for a Patterson.

    As for your comments you are not going to marry Gerald, I take them as seriously as comments I heard from our sister when she entered university about how she was not going to marry Anthony Caine. Your comments are simply due to the stage you are in. Eventually you will be done with your veterinary degree and return to Milborough just as Gerald will be done with his music career and his marriage to his Albanian wife (if the stories about whom he has been hanging around with are true), and you can settle in together and raise his half-Albanian children. Just don’t have a tea party with them.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:09 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ok. i gotta say i did not unnerstand wut just happed here. gerald showed up with his new girlfriend, lumturie rexha. & sumhow u were tellin’ her that u & gerald were just friendz now & that u had been just friendz 4 a long tyme, & that wuzn’t gonna change, not evah, no mattah wut. & then u put ur arm ‘round me & i thought u were gettin’ ready 2 tell gerald u were w/me now when gerald started runnin’ ‘round all xxcited & sayin’, “friendz 4 evah, no mattah wut. thass practically like like sayin’ we’re engaged. hoo boy!” but then he saw his gf gettin’ mad & sed, “but u can’t have me, april. no mattah how u try. i am w/lumturie, now.” so, wtf iz he talkin’ ‘bout? peeps who think b-ing friendz & b-ing engaged r the same r seriously whacked.

  • At 10:22 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i dunno, jeremy. i was abt 2 say all that abt being w/u now, and how i never, never, ever, times infinity, m going 2 marry ger (i m NOT liz 2.0, mike!). and then he interrupted me like that. he's acting dain bramaged again.


  • At 2:42 PM, Anonymous Optimus Prime said…

    Hmmm...this would explain the high glucose levels Jazz detected eminating from the Caine residence. Its not a substance we can generally detect in the air, so we had to come up with a new sensor term, "glurge."

    Although we have a no baseline, I can safely say the glurge levels were rather high. Again, the witch's power remains strong in this town and is striking its residence in ways we didn't expect. I assume between the glurge and the dullinator that she's making the town docile and thus much easier for the evil Megatron to turn the town into a slave factory for production of energon cubes once this "time freeze" happens and she's done with it.

    I would recommend humans stricken with the "diabetes" virus avoid the residence of Anthony Caine.

    I trust Bumblebee is serving well as your car?

  • At 3:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    bumblebee is being an awesum car. thanx 4 the upd8 and let us know when u learn nething else, eh?


  • At 6:23 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur being nice. “bumblebee is being an awesum car”. on the way home it kept playin’ the beatles’ why don’t we do it in the road? & marvin gaye’s sexual healing & whip it by devo!. i think the car iz kinda pervy.

    neway, this is the weirdest homework i evah thot i wud hafta do. 1st the r.p. boire teachers say all couples hafta take an aftah skool course in contract law. @least I shud b happ they put me w/u & Gerald w/hiz Albanian gf. & then this stuff 4 homework:

    You and your potential partner will make up 2 separate lists of spousal characteristics you would like to have defined in a contract of marriage. You will compile these lists separately and will not consult each other. After both lists are complete, you will compare them over dinner in a nice restaurant (not Tim Horton’s), where the male of the partnership will pay the restaurant bill. For same sex couples, the most butch pays the bill. In each area over which you and your partner disagree over a characteristic and its importance to a marital partnership, you must write a paragraph detailing the reasons for the difference and whether or not there could be a compromise.

    Examples of characteristics could be:

    1. Nonsmoker/Smoker/Near death with lung cancer/Smokes cigars which can be smelled through virtually any solid object
    2. Teetotaler/Social Drinker/Anti-social Drinker/In a near constant drunken haze
    3. Likes Camping and Outdoor Activities/Hates Indoor Activities; hates Camping and Outdoor Activities/ Likes Indoor Activities; Likes All Activities; Hates All Activities; Is Protoplasmic Jelly
    4. Gets along with people/Hates most people/Is Never Judgmental About People/Is Like a Patterson
    5. Has a sense of humor/Is humourless/Will laugh at anything/Has Never Laughed/Laughs with tongue sticking out
    6. Likes to Dance/Hates to Dance/Dances as well as a gay man/Dances like Gerald Delaney-Forsythe
    7. Has an even temper/Has an uneven temper/Has an untempered even/Dislocates jaw and screams incessantly
    8. Is Financially Responsible/Is Financially Irresponsible/Has an Inheritance/Buys sports cars for midlife crisis
    9. Keeps a tidy house/Keeps an untidy house/Keeps a tidy apartment/Keeps an untidy apartment/Homeless/Likes to recount stories about vacuuming
    10. Likes to cook/Likes to eat/Likes to eat and cook/Fasting/Dripping with grease
    11. Loves children/Hates children/Looks forward to one day being friends with a child after becoming engaged to its parent/Is complimented when a child steals from you
    12. Is Honest and sincere/Is Dishonest and Insincere/Doesn’t know the difference and doesn’t care
    13. Is Respectful and Faithful/Is Disrespectful and Unfaithful/Carries a torch for an old partner and will destroy any relationship not with that partner/Makes a move on rape or near rape victims
    14. Is willing to make a lifelong commitment/Is willing to make a commitment until a year before retirement/Is willing to make a commitment with different interest rates based on a 15-year, 20-year, or 30-year contract.

  • At 7:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, that is one weird homework assignments. i like how we both chose "h8 assignments like this one" as our 1st item.

    my mom thinx it's awesum that we hafta do this assignment.


  • At 8:58 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i hafta say i wuz kinda surprized we both put "haz spent tyme in hospital due 2 a fite between u & ur partner." that'll freak out the teach, but it's true. that tyme i wuz in hospital & u visited wuz definitely the tyme wen i knew u were sum1 speshul. u were the v. 1st girl 2 leave scars on me.

  • At 9:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, and we both had "have met mirror-world double." that'll totally confuse our teacher, 2.



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