April's Real Blog

Sunday, March 16, 2008

In memory of...Rolly?

Well, in case NE1 missed the reminiscing (who'm I kidding, no1 did), here is sumthing Mike wrote abt a long-ago thing that happened that no1 wants 2 remember:

April,

Formerly little sis. One of the things we don’t like to mention in our family was the day when Elizabeth (known as Lizzie in those days) severely injured a creature we refer to today as a Rolly (combining the words real + dolly). These creatures were known because their physical appearance was astonishingly like that of a child’s doll, but they were actually intelligent creatures. The way you could tell the difference between a Rolly and a child’s plaything was that a doll’s appearance did not change, while a Rolly’s appearance and facial expressions would alter just like an intelligent creature’s would. What made such a unique creature seek out for exploration among us Pattersons, we will never know. What we do know is that Lizzie saw one of these creatures smiling and sitting on a table, grabbed it by its leg, and slammed it to the ground yelling, “Blah!!” If it weren’t for the fact that the creature’s facial expression changed to one of dazed amazement and it started screaming bloody murder, Lizzie might have finished it off right then and there. Among us kids, she is by far the most physically violent as you well know.

Lizzie has often said the real reason she attacked the Rolly, was because she was angry that I had taken a book from her. Not only that but I was mad because mom had shrieked at me, “Michael, you clean up this room or I’ll give everything you own to the Goodwill!” And mom was supposedly mad because dad had yelled at her, “Elly! Don’t use my tool kit if you can’t remember to put things back!” That hardly seems like a sequence of events that would lead to violence to the Rolly, but that is the official story we Pattersons tell about the matter, in case anyone asks you on today, the 28th anniversary of the Rolly attack.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Gah, that is all so sad. MayB we oughta stick w/present-day stories 4 a while. So Jeremy knows by now, but I'll say NEway, I M OK despite the crazy stuff that went wrong w/Arne's "Ides of March" illusion at Farley Hill here in Barbados. Duncan's gran got me, Eva, and Duncan back 2 Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's, and Jeremy and I had a pretty nice time celebr8ing me being OK, when we met b-hind the goathouse @ 2AM. Our flite back 2 Mboro leaves @ noon 2day.

Apes

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8 Comments:

  • At 8:23 AM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    You shut up, Mike, my story is TRUE! Dad yelled at Mom, Mom yelled at you, and you yelled at me. I had all the yellies dumped rite on top of me and I didn't know what to do since I had no one littler than me to yell at, and there was Rolly, and it's not my fault I didn't know she wasn't just a regular doll for throwing around, she looked like a regular doll to me, so I WHAPped her onto the floor and yelled out "BLAH!!" in big, green letters. It's not my fault! I was little!

    Liz

     
  • At 10:38 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, 4 ur peeps who wanna know deets, we get n2 TO @6:45 on Air Canada #1241, but u plan 2 check ur blog evn while ur in-flight.

     
  • At 11:29 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, totally. i can't believe our time in barbados is abt 2 end. that went fast, eh? we r @ the airport cuz u hafta b there well in advance of boarding.

    apes

     
  • At 8:27 PM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    We got back to Toronto late this afternoon. It was a long flight.
    When we got back from Farley Hill, there were more constables waiting. Perdita had come back around the same time.
    "Are you Perdita Davis?" the inspector in charge asked. Perdita nodded. "Do you know this man?" Someone pulled Arne out of an official car.
    "Yes. Until recently, he was my quasi-fiance. I believe he is a Canadian national, on an extended visit," Perdita said.
    "Come on! I'm also a noted illusionist! I've performed near some of the most prestigious venues in North America!"
    "You also cannot spell! Look at these promotional items! You cannot even remember the name of my business!" Perdita was getting wound up. Mrs. Anderson came over and looked closely at the promo poster the constable was holding.
    "That is not the name of the restaurant!" Mrs. Anderson said.
    "I know! That's why I'm so cross with Arne!" Perdita said.
    "No, that is not the name of the restaurant. I do not know who sponsored this event, but "Red Hot Bajan Mama's" is in Oistins, and opened several months after Redd Hott Bajan Mammas. I know, because I copyrighted the name." Perdita looked relieved as Mrs. Anderson explained this to the constabulary.
    "Very well then, ma'am. We shall go see this restauranteur in Oistins to speak with him about engaging in environmentally damaging entertainments." The constabulary left. Perdita glared at Arne and then she left. We went to pack.
    Arne met us at the airport the next morning, accompanied by two Bajan marshalls.
    "I called Ivar last night. He's got my apartment ready for me," Arne said. The marshalls stayed with him until he cleared customs at Pearson, and then they left for the Air Canada Centre. Arne came back to the city with us, since Ivar had relocated the Three Kronen to two subway stops away from my parents' house.
    "I can't believe she dumped me. I can't believe the illusion didn't work. Those idiots forgot to use the trick knives. No wonder it didn't work." Arne went on like this from Pearson to the Chester subway. My father left him at the turnstyle with a token and asked him to forget he ever knew him.

    Zandra

     
  • At 8:52 PM, Anonymous duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    You prolly cleared customs by now. It was gr8 2 cu. Im sorry I couldnt cu off @ the airport but I was @ a Royal Barbados Police Force station b-ing questioned by a good cop & a bad cop. The good cop won, so Im in the clear. Thats good news. More good news: my mom found out that Perdita demoted me & shes so pissed @ Perdita rite now that she promoted me. My mom & Perdita have been fiting all day. My dad & I decided 2 leave them 2 it so we went 2 the rum bar till it was time 4 me 2 start my shift. Best news of all: Arnes gone 4 good. The police told me hes barred from evah coming back 2 Barbados. Thats a relief, I thot he mite bcome my bro-in-law.

    Bad news: All my Mboro buds r gone & my sekrit sum1 nevah showed.

    L8r.

    Duncan Anderson
    Head Dishwasher
    Executive Assistant to Miranda Anderson, Partner
    Redd Hott Bajan Mammas LLP

     
  • At 8:58 PM, Anonymous perdita anderson said…

    Duncan,

    I'm very surprised to read that you feared that I might marry Arne. That was very silly of you. Surely everyone knows that rebound relationships never last.

     
  • At 9:02 PM, Anonymous perdita anderson said…

    Jeremy,

    You will notice that there is a little extra in your wage packet. I was hoping that you might do me a favour in return. Please ensure that Mopey is no longer in the employ of Gordon Mayes. He is a menace to elderly women everywhere, and should be driven out of your fine town of Milborough.

     
  • At 9:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ::phew:: what a time that was! i m almost glad 2 b home. almost. dunc, sorry we didn't have more time 2 just chill and jam. but @ least things were not dull.

    apes

     

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