April's Real Blog

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Is Anthony Slow?

Well, it's Wednesday, so it's gonna take Liz @ least four installments 2 squeeze out the rest of this current story. Here's her l8est e-mail 2 me:

I'm so proud of myself, because all this stuff I'm telling you about happened around three weeks ago, and I've still managed 2 keep the best stuff secret. And I'm still going to, @ least until Friday. Ha ha ha, I'll make you wait!

And before you start complaining about me making you wait, think about Anthony making ME wait. And wait, and wait, and wait. In case you are wondering (and of course you are!), Anthony drove me to his house. He made coffee (of course), and we sat down side-by-side on the chesterfield to talk while we had our coffee. April, did you know there are people who have conversations without hot beverages? Savages!

Anyway, as we were sitting there, I said,"Anthony. When we're together, everything feels right." I wanted to get the subject away from Warren's unexpected visit. Anthony answered, "Yes. It does." Then he said, "I wonder where we're going--together, I mean. I wonder where this will lead." I added, "Me, too." Don't we sound passionate when we talk? Then I felt like he'd punched me in the stomach, when he said, "But, let's take it slowly. I couldn't survive another divorce." I said, "Divorce?!! We haven't even talked about marriage!!!" Then he looked at me sideways and said, "Not yet."

April, I couldn't help thinking "Who introduces the subject of marriage by bringing up divorce?" And he had just finished talking about "take it slowly." Sure, that's the same thing I had just told Candace and Rudy the day before, but that's just for other people to hear. I wasn't expecting to have ANTHONY say that. Especially since we've already been taking it slow as molasses! I was ready to get up and run out of there. Except my apartment is too far for me to run to, and also Mom would have yelled at me for doing that. And then his "not yet" gave me hope.

Stay tuned!

Liz, U 2 seem abt as passionate as 2 dishrags drying on the side of the kitchen sink. Like "comfortable" w/ea other = bland, blah, and beige.


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  • At 10:10 AM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    We haven't talked in this school year, but I am still excited you are my friend from the end of the last school year. People still talk about how I got on the table and what a hero you were for standing beside me, and how great you were on television with your song for the special needs kids telethon. I have heard you gave up your boyfriend, Gerald. I'm not sorry, since he called me "retarded" one time. I was surprised you gave up your band. I thought you liked music.

    I have still been reading your Blog, just in case you mentioned me or special needs kids again. It seems like your brother and sister have taken over it. You don't talk much about yourself anymore. I just have one thing to say about what was written today.

    I think Anthony Caine may be special needs. Some special needs kids cannot look someone in the eye because direct eye contact is too confrontational to them. Also some special needs kids have a hard time pronouncing words, so they use other words instead. Like Anthony might say, "where we're going" instead of "marriage" because it's easier to say. If you can't say a word right, a lot of times a special needs kid will try not to say it, so people don't make fun of them. That doesn't mean he does not want to marry your sister. When he says he wants to take it slow, it could be he is trying to say that because he is special needs, he may have a hard time putting all the words together in the right order, and he wants your sister to be patient.

    I know when someone wants to marry me, I will be glad to wait as long as it takes for them to complete the sentence. I know just how hard it is for people to wait to hear me finish a sentence. I hope your sister waited for Anthony to finish his. He may be special needs, but that doesn't mean what he is saying isn't important too.

    I hope we can talk together in school sometime.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 10:58 AM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    The Banks brewery men came this morning. While the techs were cleaning the lines and setting up the kegs for Perdita, the rep was chatting with her at the bar.
    "Hey, Perdita, I didn't know you'd started sponsoring theatre," he said.
    "Theatre? At Red Hot Bajan Mama's, we have the occasional music matinee, and regular Tuesday night live features, but we do not have any association with theatre, here or in any other location."
    "Have a look at this, then," the rep said. He pulled a poster out and showed it to her.

    Showing at Farley Hill: The World Premiere of The Death-Defying Illusion
    Sponsored by Red Hot Bajan Mama's LLP

    "That is quite a surprise, Ivan, and I must look into that. Do you have the bar towels and novelty keychains I ordered?"

    I don't know exactly what Arne is planning, but I don't think Perdita's business was supposed to be dragged into this. Can I change my bet for today?


  • At 11:10 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    shannon, i still like music. i have my guitar w/me, and dunc, eva and i have jam sessions whenev we want. just cuz the band is disbanded doesn't mean i stopped liking music.

    i don't know if anthony is special needs. like liz, i m sure he'd never have himself evaluated.


  • At 12:16 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man, I fell asleep on the parlour floor last nite. No sekrit sum1. I thot I saw Mopey in the corner but mayb I was just dreaming.

    I dunno what's going on. Perdita rang me this am & told me not 2 come in2 work. She wants me 2 drive around & rip down all of the Ides of March advert posters. Then Arne rang me & told me 2 hire evry shuttle bus on the island 4 Saturday afternoon. I just work here, so Im calling bus companies on my cell while looking 4 posters 2 rip down.

    Cu 2nite.

    Duncan Anderson

  • At 12:38 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Sorry for not keeping in touch but this whole thing with your sister has me feeling a bit nauseated. First off, Warren barges in late at night acting like a damned lunatic and she doesn't tell Anthony she's glad he called so she get the creep outta there? It's like the telephonic equivalent of his ear-tweak he gave Howard. And now that it looks as if Caine might finally propose, he does so in a manner that's as romantic as getting a tetanus booster. Let's just hope they don't put you in charge of the kids when they have their ungodly abomination wedding this summer.

  • At 1:15 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I think a brief word of explanation may be necessary to understand exactly why Anthony Caine’s romantic style is so low key and lethargic as to remind people of the mating habits of moss growing on snails. You may not know it to look at him, but Anthony Caine is a keen observer of the human animal. He knows that courting our sister is a tricky process, with many chances for missteps. No man has been successful before. The method of public shouting and bellowing so common to wooing women in Milborough (and which worked very well on my wife, the lovely Deanna) is not the way for our sister.

    For example, Elizabeth’s boyfriend in university was fond of kissing her for long periods of time. Did that method work? Elizabeth’s constable boyfriend was known for telling her how much he loved her, and moving his job for her. Did that method work? Elizabeth’s helicopter boyfriend was known for telling her how much he wanted to be a part of her life. Did that method work? The answer to all those questions is no. As Anthony observed, all these other men, with their loud, noisy, declarations of love may have been amusing to people who drink coffee with mom; but for Elizabeth they were slamming closed the door of love.

    Anthony knows that in order to court our sister, a whole different approach has to be used. You cannot give her the idea that you love her or like her or are even remotely interested in her. In fact, there can be almost no eye contact whatsoever. Otherwise, she will bolt and run for the door and move to another country. Anthony, in his inestimable wisdom, has actually made it a policy not to mention the word “marriage” in the presence of Elizabeth, forcing her to mention it first. Not only that, through his excellent manipulation, he has managed to be dating our sister without ever having asked her out for a date. All those other men had to be crude and brutal with their “Will you go out with me?” questions. Anthony is a model of cool subtlety. He has never told Elizabeth he loves her. In fact, at the Christmas Dinner, he told me he was planning to tell Elizabeth she was a blessing. You see how great that is. It’s a compliment, but it does not give our sister any indication of any affection whatsoever.

    I admit, that the pace of the romance has been going so slowly, I had wondered if it would ever happen; but now I have seen Anthony at work, I have grown to appreciate his understanding of our sister and how to woo her. Instead of declaring his love for her and giving her a chance to sabotage the relationship, as she has done with every other man in whom she was interested; Anthony’s relationship with Elizabeth is so noncommittal, there is nothing for her to sabotage. Elizabeth hasn’t finished her story yet, but I have a feeling that if Anthony Caine ends up proposing as a part of it, he will do it in such a way as to make you wonder not only if he has proposed but to whom he has proposed.

    If we are lucky, Elizabeth will be married to Anthony and pregnant with her first child, before she even figures out she has been dating him. I don't know about you, April; but to think that there is a man out there that is willing to go through all this trouble for our sister, makes me get all emotional inside. I think I need to write a section in my new novel Breaking the Windjammer, where the hero, Leonard Driscoll, gives someone a hug.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:31 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ok i checked it out. farley hill duzn’t have nethin’ 2 do w/ur old dog. it took me awhile 2 figger out wut u wunted me 2 do, but i think thass it. i mean wen i got 2 work w/this mornin’ & u sed, “i’m so comfortable w/u jeremy. wen we’re together everythin’ feels rite.” then u handed me the poster of the ides of march showing at farley hill & sed, “i wonder where we’re goin’ – together, i mean. i wonder where this will lead.” then u pointed 2 the part where it sed farley hill & i figgered u wunted me 2 check that out.

    it wuz either that or u wunted me 2 xxplain why i had lipstick prints all ovah my neck.

    neway, it took awhile 2 find sum1 who knew 'bout farley hill. ‘course wen i got back i found out duncan hazn’t been in all day & that left andy and charles wallace w/the dishes. they’re kinda backed up.

  • At 1:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 checking in2 that, jeremy. btw, y'd u have lipstick on yr neck?

    mike, i guess it's true that all the other (normal) ways guys have shown liz affection have backfired. mayB anthony's way is the only she'll respond favourably 2.


  • At 5:21 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, oh the lipstick. well this is gonna sound strange, but wen we got off our shift last nite, things were happenin’ between grandma & grandpa anderson so eva & i thot it wud b a little more restful 2 sleep in the goat pen. so, the goats got n2 eva’s lipstick & wen i wuz sleepin’ in the goat pen, they kinda nibbled on me a little. @least thass wut eva told me. she sed they nibbled on her 2, but she must b a lot better washer than i am, cuz she didn’t seem 2 have the same prob w/gettin’ lipprints off her like i did.

  • At 5:53 PM, Anonymous lonlyanthdad3fran said…


    Thanks for that lengthy and complete explanation. Whomsoever reads your words is reading wisdom.

    You forgot to mention one thing. Your sister is a person who gets most intense about a possible non-relationship or a relationship whenever there is doubt as to its outcome, whomsoever her partner or nonpartner is. By raising the question of divorce, I do an end-run (to use American Football Terminology, in whose vernacular is of some interest to me) around the whole marriage issue. By letting her worry about a possible divorce, she doesn't have the emotional energy to question whether or not I should be the person whom she marries.


  • At 6:18 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    WTF? WTF?? WTF??? My gramps passed away a rilly long time ago. It must of been Mopey w/ my gran last nite.

    That's it. That tyre's getting a puncture.

    Sorry, sekrit sum1. I'll b out mascot hunting 2nite.


  • At 7:04 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, so it sounds like the guys r goin’ huntin’ 2nite. duncan came by & sed we were huntin’ 4 mascot cuz hiz grandpa wuz dead. but charles wallace sed that duncan rilly meant masked duck, a popular bird of barbados, his grandpa used 2 hunt. i guess it must be sum kinda homage 2 hiz granddad. then andy brought in sum weird-lookin’ gunz. i sed, wut r thoze? & andy sed, “muskets”. they look like old gunz, so mebbe this iz wut duncan’s grandpa used. now that i think ‘bout it, if duncan’s grandpa iz dead, then who wuz that old guy who wuz w/hiz grandma last nite?

  • At 7:18 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Good point, old bean, about the “divorce” end run. I am sure you will let us know if that strategy worked or if Elizabeth resorted to her usual American Football defence against relationships, the Blitz (or is it “getting blitzed”?).

    Now, if you are successful, there is something I should mention to you about the Patterson women on a honeymoon.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    eva, quit molesting my bf!


  • At 9:10 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    What? No, it was the goats. With lipstick. Yeah.



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