Ugh, whatever

Mom has gotten sum criticism 4 seeming 2 run off the moment Iris got home from her recent trip 2 Calgary, instead of sticking around 4 a bit and giving her a chance 2 decompress. So now she wants every1 2 know that she came by the next morning 2 treat Gramps and Iris to breakfast in bed. "I am SUCH a good daughter, April! Take notes!"

Mom sez that the 1st thing she did was pile a bunch of photo albums on the bed, so Iris and Gramps cd look thru them while Mom prepared their heart-attack food breakfast. Iris told me that while they were looking at sum old pix, Gramps pted 2 sum guy he knew from WWII, and Iris went, "Yes, that's yr friend Ernie. He flew a Lancaster, didn't he." Then Iris told him, "U C? U haven't 4gotten v. much, Jim!" Then she looked again @ the album, which was marked "1940-1947," and sed, "Thank goodness 4 photographs!" And Gramps went, "Yes!" Then they spent a bunch more time going thru that album and others, pting and laughing @ certain pix. Iris held an album called "Our Trip to England" as Gramps looked thru one called "1950-1967," and Iris was all, "The cottage @ Ka[w]kawa Lake!" Gramps sed, "Yes. Yes."

Looking @ more pix, Iris was all, "Here's yr son's graduation! ...The birth of yr 1st grandchild!" I hope they don't have pix of Mike's actual birth, don't U? Then, as Mom wheeled in the brekky cart, Mom was all, "So, how's the history lesson going, Iris?" And Iris went, "Fine, dear, just fine." And as Mom set up the cart and handed Gramps a tea cup, Iris sed, "We've worked our way up to the Middle Ages!" And of course, Mom laughed like that was the funniest thing she'd ever heard.

Gah, who calls going thru photo albums a "history lesson"? It mite B "history," but it's not a lesson, since obviously Gramps remembers all the stuff in it when he sees it. Way 2 set up sum super-lame wordplay. Again. Yuck.

Apes

What's not being provided for free?

Dad was pretending to use his computer, and I came up behind him, all, "The rental place called, 'POP'--U can pick up yr tux in the morning." "Pop" is dorky, just like Dad is. Then I went, "HOOO!" Which I learned from Gerald's obnoxious Hoo-boy friend. And then, "U R gonna look sooo sophisticated... soooo el-ee-gant as U walk down the aisle w/Liz on yr arm." "El-ee-gant," of course, is not the normal way 2 pronounce "elegant." It's one of Dad's lame wordplay things. It's kind of like "elegant as rendered by Elly."

Then I leaned an elbow on one of Dad's shoulders and went, "U didn't hafta do that much when Mike and Dee were married... Now U've gotta--how do they say it? ...'Give away the bride'?" The "they" in that sentence referred to the backwards ppl who still C a bride as property 2 B transferred from father to groom.

Apparently, when I walked away and slipped in2 silhouette, Dad was all, "Heck, I'm not 'giving away the bride' ....This thing's costing me a BUNDLE!!!" Huh, Really? Even w/all the freebees Liz is getting? What? Whatever.

Apes

Boring reminiscences again

Apparently, one of the movies that Mom brought 2 Gramps was abt a married couple where the guy left the woman after they'd been married more than 30 yrs. Mom got really emotional during the movie, cuz it was set up so U really sympathize w/the woman and feel like the husband leaving came totally out of the blue.

After the movie, it seems that Mom told Gramps that the whole sitch had her remembering sumthing that happened on August 24, 1980. Gramps tried 2 pretend he was sleeping, but it didn't work and Mom told him NEway. She remembered looking @ this weird clock she used 2 have, which was shaped like an apple that had been cut in half, so the clock face was on the white part of the apple. It didn't have all the numbers, just 9, 3, and 6, w/dots showing where the other numbers shd go.

Mom recalled that when she looked @ the clock, it was 7:00 PM. She remembered also looking @ her watch 2 corrobor8 the time, while holding little Lizzie and saying, "John's over an hour late! --Where cd he B?" Then she remembers putting Lizzie in her yellow high chair and pacing so hard she actually caused the word "PACE" 2 appear in the air 2x. Meanwhile, she remembers that she, Liz, and Mike were in a backgroundless void that was orange, and Mike seemed only 2 have a torso, while Liz and her high chair both seemed 2 abruptly end where Liz's knees were. As this happened, Mom thought, "Maybe he's had an accident. --He cd B in a ditch sumwhere ....seriously hurt!!"

She also remembered saying, "Where R U, John? I cdn't LIVE w/out U!" But then she remembers the backgroundless void turning Dayglo green as she thought, "Or.. What if he drove sum1 home. --A luscious young thing, perhaps... And what if he went in 4 a drink! --And if..."

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Dad SLAMming the door shut and going, "Hi, honey, I'm home!" while the backgroundless void went back 2 orange. A moment later, the orange gave way 2 white, as Mom shouted at him in white letters on a yellow background, "WHERE THE HECK HAVE YOU BEEN!" While her face turned red.

After Mom finished that story, apparently Gramps went, "Boxcar! Boring! 1980!" And Mom got in2 a tiff abt him being grouchy and 1980 being a "fun" year 2 talk abt.

Apes

Things that make you go, "Whatever"

Dee came by early this morning 2 tell Mom abt how Robin got himself all dirty by digging in their yard and rolling around and kicking and stuff. Dee said that she found him in a dug-up area by the fence and took him inside 4 a bath, and that while she was bathing him, she was thinking, "How can so little sand get in2 so many places?" I sed, "If he was digging by the fence, and not in the sandbox, wasn't it DIRT that got in2 so many places?" And Dee, sed, "Um, yeah, I guess so." And I sed, "How come he wasn't playing in he sandbox?" And Dee sed, "Well, I don't know."

Then Mom sed, "Quit interrupting, April. Adults are speaking. Deanna, I know EXACTLY what U mean! Y I cd tell U stories abt Michael that wd curl yr hair!" Then, she got this stricken look on her face and sed, "Oh, my God, MICHAEL! What's going on with him? Has the Johnston Institute unerased him yet?" And Dee looked blank 4 a second, and then she pulled a letter out of her purse, and handed it to Mom. "This just came in yesterday's mail," she sed, "It sez they R making 'progress' w/the process of 'recorporealizing and reintegrating Michael Patterson.' They don't specify when he'll B back, tho."

Mom took the letter, read it, snf-snffed a bit, and handed it back 2 Dee. She was like, "U came over here and the story U led w/was 'Robin got dirty' and not 'Michael's progress'?" Dee looked kind of sheepish, but Mom threw her arms around her and went, "U really R one of us now!"

Then I was like, "Dee, who's watching the kids?" And Dee was like, "Uh-oh! I left them alone! Michael erased is so much like Michael busy 'writing' that I 4got. I've gotta go, Mother-Elly!" And she did.

Apes

Newsflash: Dogs pee on trees

We're back in the present, @ least 4 2day, but U will B so bored, U mite hardly notice. Mom and Dad went 2 Lawrence's biz, Lakeshore Landscaping, and bought a new tree 4 the yard. The Lakeshore guys delivered the tree, and rite after Mom and Dad put the new tree in the ground, and mounted the supports 4 it, Edgar decided this was a good time 2 break in the new tree by peeing on it. U know, dog logic: new, unmarked tree in the yard. Let the other doggies know whose tree it is. Then Mom and Dad yelled @ him 4, like, behaving like a dog. And he got so confused, he collapsed next 2 a coupla older trees and thought-bubbled a red "?".

During all this, Dixie may or may not have been locked in a cage, where it's EZer 4 Mom and Dad 2 4get that they have a 2nd doggie.

Apes

More jumping around in the boring past

OK, this time go 2 this group of pics and look @ the ones on the bottom of the page (3rd sequence). Where Dad yells @ Mom that she can't take all day, and then tells Mr. Shadbolt that the yelling is OK cuz he's only yelling @ his wife. Connie and Mom were jumping all over the place w/their reminiscing, eh?

Bleah.

Thanx 4 the luv, Anon. :)

Apes

They jumped around in their boring reminiscing

My second link from yesterday's post? Go 2 the 1st group of pics on that page. Seems Mom an' Connie discussed those old events out of order.

Apes

Batten yr hatches--signs pt 2 flashbacks

Oh, no. The next story I have 2 tell U bears all the signs of being the set-up 4 more FLASHBACKS. Why? Why, why, why?!?!?!?!

Well, this is what I hear happened. My mom and Connie, also @ the mall, but away from me and Eva, walked 2gether as Mom was all, "I'm glad U felt like going out 2nite Connie. John's away and I didn't feel like spending the evening alone." Connie sed, "NEtime!" Then, as they approached the coffee stand @ the mall food court, Connie went, "He's still going 2 dental conventions? --I thought he was semi-retired!" And Mom sed, "He is. But he likes 2 keep up." What a stupid xxchange. Of course if he's not 100% retired, Dad shd "keep up." Wd U want 2 go 2 a "semi-retired" dentist who's NOT up 2 d8? Connie, I guess, hasn't had enuf gratuitous reminiscing, so sed this: "I remember when he 1st started his practice and U worked as his assistant!" Mom sent, "He didn't have the money 2 hire one!" Then Mom and Connie walked away from the stand w/their coffees, and Mom added, "...We were living hand-to-mouth." Har-dee-har. NOT.

This is stupid. If Mom then went in2 flashbacks from 1979-80 abt working as Dad's dental assistant, that won't B from when he started his practice and cdn't afford an assistant. It'll B from when Jean Baker was on vacation and Mom subbed 4 her 4 a while.

Apes

Mike wrings rungs

Mike has sum more 2 tell U all abt the whole "book" thing:

April,

Formerly little sis. I remember back to February 14, 2007, Valentine’s Day, a day when one spends time with your beloved. I remember it in particularly because I had gone to Toronto to get Josef Weeder to check out the contract for my book deal, when he revealed that he and Carleen were buying Lovey Saltzman’s apartments using a loan from Jo’s dad. Josef and I drove over to see the burnt out apartments where we used to live and Lovey was there. Then Jo described his plans for the apartments which looked like nothing but silhouettes back in 2007. It was a magical time and made especially magical getting to share it with Jo…and Lovey, and listening to him as he described his plans for the future.

Well, my lovely wife Deanna and I went to visit Carleen and Josef in those apartments after all their renovations. Let me tell you April, what a difference a year and 3 months make. They look like apartments again and not like silhouettes of apartments. Also, Josef and Carleen have moved into the downstairs landlord spot previously occupied by Lovey and her husband, the never-seen and practically invisible Morrie. I think someone was taking care of our kids while we went there. Hum! Was that you? I forget.

In any case, since this was shortly after my book had been published, most of the conversation naturally revolved around that, as it was the social event of the Milborough season. Carleen was there, and she looked more like the Carleen I remembered from years gone by, except for that bulge in her pants. At least her face was almost back to normal. She said to me, “You’re gonna be famous, Mike!” This was, of course, another tip-off it was not really Carleen, who almost never says things like “gonna”. However, I did not want this fake Carleen to know I was on to her / it; so I responded the only way a Patterson could respond, which was, “I don’t want to be famous, Carleen…I just want to make a decent living.” I am sure you know the kind about which I am talking, formerly little sis, i.e. just like mom and dad make a decent living.

Josef Weeder pointed out that “If this book sells like the last one, you’ll be sailing!” This is what I love about the man. He can come up with a pun, and it isn’t even the end of the conversation. “sailing” is a reference to the storyline of Blood Cargo, about a young sailor on a sailing boat in 1874. Josef was handing out champagne flutes as he said this and when I realized it was Josef handing out refreshments instead of Carleen, who usually does it, I had another confirmation for my suspicions. I reached for the champage to have one, while saying, “You’re not doing so badly!” It was subtle….probably too subtle… to let him know I was onto this fake Carleen.

By the time Josef handed out champagne flutes to all 4 of us, he responded with “Yeah, we’re paying down 2 mortgages and putting some in the bank!” Deanna said, “Life is good!” because she loves getting to drink alcohol. I think she missed the part of Josef paying down 2 mortgages, which is not exactly a model of life being good. The 2 mortgages are the one on his photography studio and the one on those apartments he bought from Lovey.

Suddenly it went dark. Josef said, “Damn it. I have to go get a ladder and climb up to the attic to fix that.” And he said in yet another spectacular pun / toast, “To climbing the ladder!” Which we repeated back to him. You see, April, Josef had to get a ladder and climb it, but the phrase also means becoming more successful, so it works as a pun with the conversational topic.

Then I raised up my champagne flute and said, “And, here’s to those who helped us onto the first rung!!” Those champagne flutes were awfully skinny and I noticed my hand practically had to mangle itself to hold it. Deanna said, “Mike. Hold it normally, or you are going to spill it all over…Sheesh, Mike. What is it with your family and deformed hands?” Josef said, “What do you mean? Are you saying I should raise a toast to my father, who loaned us money for this property? I pay him interest, man, and he makes a big stink about how flaky photographers are when we are even the least, little bit late.” Carleen said, “Now, Josef. Don’t exaggerate. You and your father are getting along better than you ever have. Now that he’s seen you’re with a nice Jewish girl and not chasing after Shiksa models and you are willing to make investments, I am sure he will put you back in his will.” Deanna said, “I am sure Mike is just talking about me. After I got the job as the pharmacy manager, I started making enough money so that Mike could quit his job at Portrait Magazine and work full-time on his writing.” And of course I pointed out that although those were excellent guesses, I was really making a toast to our mom. Without her help and those fabulous editing skills, I would have never done as well as I have done. Deanna was in a foul mood the rest of the night. It was a mistake to let her drink. She cannot handle her alcohol.

Someday, April, when you are a famous veterinarian, you can look back on that moment when you realized that if it weren’t for mom, you wouldn’t be climbing the ladder of veterinary success.

Love.
Michael Patterson

Yes, Mike, it was me watching yr kids. U're welcome. And I think U R so pun-obsessed, U R forcibly C-ing them where they weren't even intended. But NEway, whatev I achieve will B from working super-hard. In spite of Mom.

Anonymous, about Lilliput's. If U weren't reading Mom's monthly letters regularly back when we were still doing those (and I wdn't blame U), U mighta missed where Mom discussed selling books for grown-ups. She lamented that classic literature didn't sell better than it did and mused that it might fare better if she gave the old classics categories like "bodice rippers" and "thrillers." I suggested that they might redecorate the store so that ppl don't assume they don't sell grown-up books, but Mom doesn't listen 2 me.

Apes

Patience

The day after Mom and Dad had their convo abt Dad's retirement planz, Dad ran in2 his friend Dr. Ted @ the Spigott Medical Building, where they both work. Dad sez that as they both stood outside the building, in silhouette, Dr. Ted was all, "John, I heard the news! ...U're finally dun w/the drill!" And Dad told him, "Not entirely, Ted. I'll B working one day a wk." As they passed thru the main doors and stopped being silhouettes, Dr. Ted was all, "Not me, pal. When I give up medicine, I'm finished. The only appointments I'm gonna have will B on the golf course." He hit the elevator button and then told Dad, "It's been a gr8 career, tho. I wdn't change a thing." Dad sed, "I wd." Then he and Dr. Ted stood in awkward silence as they w8ed 4 the elevator, got on it, arrived at their floor, and got out. Finally, once they were on their floor, Dad added, "I wish I'd had more patience."

When Dad told me all this, I asked him whether he'd w8ed all that time between "I would" and "I wish I'd had more patience" as a way of testing Dr. Ted's patience. Dad laffed w/his tongue sticking out and then sed, "No. I guess I just zoned out 4 a while there. Elevators R distracting." I sed, "Uh, right." Then I sed, "U know, it's possible that Dr. Ted thot U meant U didn't have enuf ppl coming 2 yr practice 4 dental care over the year. U know--wish U'd had more P-A-T-I-E-N-T-S." Dad got kind of gobsmacked and sed, "U cd B rite. And he cd feel kind of smug rite now b-cuz he's always had many patients. That didn't cross my mind b-cuz I've trained myself 2 call them 'clients,' even tho I h8 2 do so. I'd better call him."

After Dad was dun talking 2 Dr. Ted, he was like, "Ted tells me he figured I was making a lame pun on patience vs. patients. "Lame," April? I'm crushed! I didn't have the heart 2 tell him his puns R always lame.

Apes

Mom wants 2 tire out retired Dad

Ages ago, Mom and Dad went on their Mexico vacation, went out 2gether on a canoe, looking like ugly twin guys, and discussed retirement. Mom complained that if Dad retired 1st, then he'd be retired, but she'd just be tired. Har-dee-har, rite?

No, I don't think so either. But as U prolly know, it's MOM who retired 1st. She had all these grand plans abt what she'd do when she retired, like going back 2 school and volunteering and stuff, but mostly she's stayed home, flapped her arms, and complained.

After Dad brought Mom the flowers I told U abt yesterday, Dad told her, "My dear, 2day I officially declared my intention 2 retire." And Mom sed, "U did?" Dad went on w/"This morning, I told Everett that beginning in September, I'll B working on Fridays only." He poured himself a cup of coffee from the pot that had been sitting on the warmer since morning (ew!) and Mom immediately lined up her mug, cuz coffee envy. She sed, "That's wonderful, John, we've been talking abt this 4 so long." Yup, years. Then she sed, "There's so much 2 B dun around here.... We need a new porch, new bathroom--and we promised April we'd build her a space in the basement!" Dad went in2 silhouette and sed "Gr8!" just B4 sipping his silhouette-mug.

Then he walked off, carrying his still-steaming mug, and according 2 Dad, he was thinking, "...I'm going 2 stop working so I can WORK." Or he cd, U know, hire contractors 2 do those things Mom rattled off. But I suppose then he wdn't have the luxury of complaining abt how put-out he is, eh?

Well, that sure was boring. I'll go add my "boring" tag now.

Apes

More flashbacks U didn't wanna know abt

Hey, thanx 4 hangin' w/me @ Horny T's yesterday, Dunc! I was so glad I didn't spew out NE bad not-puns, or wordwork (opposite of wordplay, gettit?). And I know U were glad U didn't say "hum" insteada "eh" or talk abt how U cd get a sports job when U grow up. LOL.

NEway, guess what I woke up 2 this morning? I wandered in2 the kitchen, just wanting a nice bowl of granola w/vanilla soymilk, and who shd I C @ the table, eating my granola, but MIKE! And Liz was @ the counter making toast. And Dad was trying 2 remember how 2 make coffee (he keeps "4getting") as Mom was frying up a mess of bacon-egg slop @ the stove.

I was all, "What's going on here?" And Mom was all, "Isn't this nice! I invited Mike and Liz 2 come over 4 a good, old-fashioned family breakfast. I've been thinking abt the old dayz a lot l8ly and I was thinking how much I miss having my kids with me! I was like, "Hello, Mom? I'm yr kid and I still live in the house, remember?" Mom got a blank look on her face 4 a second, and then she seemed 2 recover and was all, "Now don't U get all defensive and teenagery, U know that what I meant was that I miss having all my kids with me!"

Then I sed, "What abt Dee and the kids?" Mom sed, "Don't B silly, they're not my kids!" I was like, "No, I know, but I'll bet Dee wda liked being included in this lil breakfast thing." Mike sed, "Don't B silly, formerly little Sister! Dee understands when I need a morning 'off.'" I tried 2 resist rolling my eyes, but they ended up rolling on their own. U know how it is. Next I asked Mike if he left me NE granola. "Oh. Was I supposed 2?" ARGH. He's so inconsiderate. Luckily I had sum vegan waffles in the freezer. Every1 in my fam thinks that's synonymous w/"cardboard," so they R totally safe.

I popped a couple of my waffles in2 the toaster and then went over 2 Dad. "OK, Dad, U can just drop the 'helpless' act. We all know U can make coffee but just don't want 2. Gimme the filter!" So he did, looking a bit sheepish, and I made coffee.

Once we were all settled around the table, Mom sat there looking back and forth between Mike and Liz, and then sed, "I can't believe my 2 kids--er, my oldest 2 kids--R all grown up! Lizzie, U were such a cute baby! I remember this one time, U were a baby and Mike was in kindergarten...." And I sed, "OMG, NOT another story from when Mike was in kindy and Lizzie was a baby!" Mom sed, "Who sed that?" And I sed, "ME!" And she sed, "Oh, yeah. Quiet U. I've got a gr8 story 2 share! As I was saying, Lizzie was a very, very cute baby! Sumday, U and Anthony will have a cute, cute baby of yr own!" Liz blushed, and I muttered, "Unless the baby favours Anthony!" Mom glared @ me.

"NEway," Mom continued, "This one time, yr father, here, on one of his good-father days, was playing w/little Lizzie, swinging her around while saying things like, "It's a tootsie pie! How's my bunnikins! How's my cutesie!" Meanwhile, I was noticing what a horrible mess Michael's room was." Mike sed, "Only b-cuz I was creative and inquistive!" Mom muttered, "No, that's not Y." Mike looked gobsmacked, and then Mom continued: "So, yr father went on playing w/Lizzie, sitting on the chesterfield while holding her on his lap and saying, "Tabump-tabump ta babbsie boo.. She's my little girlikins!" I walked in2 this charming tableau, where Michael was leaning on one arm of the chesterfield and smiling at his father and sister. But I couldn't stand it NEmore. The sight of that messy room had caused an anger that was boiling inside me, and I scrunched up my eyes, threw my mouth open, and shrieked, 'Michael Thomas Patterson! Get downstairs and clean up yr room!!'"

Mike sed, "Oh, I remember that! That's when I sed, 'C, Elizabeth.. Sum day they'll call U by yr real name...." I recall that Dad looked gobsmacked. Mom sed, "Of course he did." I sed, "W8. 'Michael Thomas Patterson.' How come the "Q & Eh" @ Mom's website has his name listed as 'James'?" Mom sed, "Honey, U can't xxpect the bizzy ppl who maintain my website 2 take the time 2 look up things like that. I M sure that Steph, or whoever, decided that 'James' sounded like a sensible middle name 4 Michael, since that's my father's name and I'm such a Daddy's girl." Dad sed, "Or @ least U were until yr dad b-came old and infirm." Mom glared @ him and he sed, "Sorry, I only meant 2 thot-bubble that comment, not say it out loud." I sed, "Mom, shdn't we get Steph 2 fix that answer on the website? Now ppl R gonna know Mike's middle name is really Thomas." And mom sed, "Dont' bother Steph w/trivia like that. We can just agree that Mike has 2 middle names now." Mike looked a bit confused.

Liz sed, "Can we get back 2 talking abt how cute I was when I was a baby? That's my favourite, talking abt me being so very cute! I remember Dad useta really luv me when I was his cute little girl! Then April came along and ruined all that. " I was like, "Oh, God, here we go again!"

Jeremy, pls hurry back from yr chess thing in Etobicoke!

Apes

Edit: Hey, Mike, when U were here earlier this morning, I was so distracted by the whole "middle name" thing, I 4got 2 ask abt Y Mom wda told U 2 go "downstairs" 2 clean yr room, if U, Dad, and Lizzie were on the chesterfield in the living room. Did Mom an' Dad make U sleep in the rec room back then?

Promising

After Dunc, Eva, and I got back in2 the bldg after our not-deep talk on the bleachers and on the way back, I found Ger in the hallway, @ his locker. I sed, "Hey, Gerald... How's it going?" He was all, "OK." I sed, "R U still talking 2 me?" He was like, "Sure. Y not." Then I sed, "I was talking 2 Eva an' Duncan... An' we were saying that no matter what, ....No matter where we go, the 4 of us hafta stay friends. Alwayz." And Ger was all, "I'm cool w/that! ..U wanna keep in touch w/ME, April?" Which was kinda weird, cuz I thot that was what I'd just finished saying, but just in case Ger sumhow didn't understand, I was like, "Well, YEAH!" Then I sed, "Welll keep in touch w/Luis an' Becky and, sumday when there's a class reunion, an' we're all gray-haired an' OLD, we'll remember this day an' this promise--OK?!" And Ger sed, "Yeah! OK!!" Then we walked down the hall, him w/his arm resting on top of my rite shoulder, and me w/my hand on his back. And Ger sed, "But that day is SO far off... it's hard 2 even IMAGINE!" As he sed that, a portly old, balding male teacher walked by, and I guess that was supposta B sum kind of irony. I h8 when things happen just 4 that reason.

And as I write this, I realize that we made this big promise that "the 4 of us hafta stay friends" but we'll only "keep in touch w/Luis an' Becky." Y can't the SIX of us all B friends an' all? Hmm. And Y, Y, Y have we been talking like we're in grade 12, all farewellish.

Apes

Eva interviewed me on my career plans

Duncan, Eva, and I all 4got our PE uniforms, so we hadta sit on the bleachers while everyone else ran around frolicking on the track or sitting in the field conducting foot self-massage. A couple of the kids who were frolicking had ink-black skin and no features. They almost looked like silhouettes, but U cd tell they weren't silhouettes cuz U cd clearly make out their gym uni's and sneakers.

NEway, Eva decided 2 interview me abt my longterm plans. She does that sumtymes, and it can B a bit annoying if U R not in the rite mood. She went, "Do U totally know what U're gonna do, April? ...Career-wise?" Y can't I have friends who talk like normal teenagers? And notice her "totally." Who "totally" knows @ this pt? Esp. in grade 11. I told her, "Um.... I think so. Well... Not totally. Stuff cd change, but we'll C." I held up one knee 2 stretch a bit, so I cd pretend I was doing sumthing vaguely phys-eddish, and I continued w/"I mean, I've checked out what I need 2 do 2 B a veterinarian, an' it's what I THINK I want. @ least, it's what I'm interested in. I'm sort of.... U know... leaning in that direction. An' ... who knows. It all depends, rite? @ least I'm gonna give it my best shot." Dunc looked kinda worried, and Eva went "Sweet." Then Dunc turned his head 2 smirk @ her while she sed, "....I wish I was as sure of myself as U R!" I felt a gobsmacked look forming on my face.

Dunc sed, "It's 'I wish I were,' Crazy! We just went over 'conditional' in English class, don't U remember?" Eva scowled and sed she was being colloquial. Dunc sed "colloquial" is not an xxcuse 4 "stupid."

A boring story I already told U

Welp, I already told U abt 2day's story 2 wks ago, when Mom accidentally released it as an alternate story. Here's what I told U then:

Mom just informed me that, for some reason, we have an alternate story to discuss 2day. She sez ppl haven't seen or heard abt the pets in so long they R starting 2 spread rumours that she tossed them in2 the basement 4 the entire winter. NEway, yesterday, Eddie went outside 2 dig up bones and composted garbage. When Mom was "SCRAPE, SCRAPE, GLOPP, SPLTT-ing" dog food in2 Eddie's bowl, I joked that she needn't feed him cuz he'd decided 2 eat out. Get it? "Out?" Yeah, I know, that was totally unfunny and I need 2 get out more. Plus I was having a "fugly" day, w/my hair titely bunned in that propeller 'do and me wearing a pink top and purple pants Mom picked up @ the mall on clearance and insisted I "try" cuz otherwise she wasted $5.99.

Then, when Mom realized her goof, I added:

Mom sez she goofed and we R prolly gonna B discussing this doggie story again two wks from now. Sorry abt that. Mom may or may not have stopped feeding Dixie.

Mike tried 2 get me 2 withhold the story until now:

April,

Formerly little sis. You are not supposed to talk about Edgar digging up bones in the back yard, until Mom and Dad have had a chance to deal with those bones, if you know what I mean. Mom is right. Wait until April 20. That should give them enough time to dispose of the...um...bones.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Well, it was boring the last time I told U abt it, and it's still boring now. Sorry, peeps!

Apes

Settle in 4 the awful reminiscing

We're in for @ least a wk of this, I h8 2 say. And it cd B more, since we went such a long stretch w/out the reminiscing. Here's the l8est bit from Mike:

April,

Formerly little sis. As mom, my lovely wife Deanna and Elizabeth sequester themselves together to discuss wedding plans; I was reminded of an occasion in my youth when mom went off by herself back in 1979 or 1980. Whenever that happened dad was responsible for all of us and he had to get his man chores done too. For example, he would strap Lizzie onto his back while he mowed the yard and Lizzie would hold onto his neck for dear life. Lawn mowers can be pretty loud and frightening things for little girls, but dad knew better than to leave me alone with Lizzie back in those days. I knew how much dad hated doing that, so I usually gave him a good excuse to stop. For example, I might yell, “Hey, Dad! When’s lunch? Can we go someplace? DAD!” That almost always worked.

I remember another time, when I was sitting on the counter right beside the stove as Dad was breaking eggs into a pan to get ready to make eggs. He was pretty awful at it, and would get egg juice all over the stove top and stove front. I knew how much dad hated cooking, so I usually gave him a good excuse to stop. For example, I might say, “How come ma went off by herself, dad? Why’d she go without us!” That almost always worked and I would get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead.

I remember another time, when I was munching on my PB&J, eating in our usual Patterson style, and dad was changing Lizzie’s diaper, when dad actually answered that question. He said, “Your mother gets the urge, now & then, to get away from the house. She says she needs to be herself. To be free, I guess…” There was something called “Free to Be You and Me”, which I guess mom would quote whenever it was that she needed to get away.

These things were confusing to me. After all, if a man is going to have a proper home, then he needs to have his wife at home taking care of things. But I had heard of something from distant lands which could be the source of mom’s unmomlikeness. I said to dad, “Is that what they call women’s lip?” I remember very clearly, dad had Lizzie in one arm and his other arm held her bottle as he answered that question with a snort and a chuckle.

Of course I was young when I asked that question. I did not know about women’s liberation with a B. But in the intervening time I have come to realize that my youthful self was full of childlike wisdom. After all, in Milborough, a woman’s lip is a much more dangerous thing than any organization for Women’s liberation.

Love,
Michael Patterson

C how ptless that story was? I guess it's supposta sumhow tie in w/what Connie was saying last wk abt when she and Mom were in their 30s and xxpected, according 2 Connie, 2 do it all (working*, kids, housework). Xxcept thoze times when Dad gave Mom "time off." Just like Mike sumtymez does w/Dee. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

Apes

*And Mom wasn't working outside the house @ the time. And Connie was single.

In memory of...Rolly?

Well, in case NE1 missed the reminiscing (who'm I kidding, no1 did), here is sumthing Mike wrote abt a long-ago thing that happened that no1 wants 2 remember:

April,

Formerly little sis. One of the things we don’t like to mention in our family was the day when Elizabeth (known as Lizzie in those days) severely injured a creature we refer to today as a Rolly (combining the words real + dolly). These creatures were known because their physical appearance was astonishingly like that of a child’s doll, but they were actually intelligent creatures. The way you could tell the difference between a Rolly and a child’s plaything was that a doll’s appearance did not change, while a Rolly’s appearance and facial expressions would alter just like an intelligent creature’s would. What made such a unique creature seek out for exploration among us Pattersons, we will never know. What we do know is that Lizzie saw one of these creatures smiling and sitting on a table, grabbed it by its leg, and slammed it to the ground yelling, “Blah!!” If it weren’t for the fact that the creature’s facial expression changed to one of dazed amazement and it started screaming bloody murder, Lizzie might have finished it off right then and there. Among us kids, she is by far the most physically violent as you well know.

Lizzie has often said the real reason she attacked the Rolly, was because she was angry that I had taken a book from her. Not only that but I was mad because mom had shrieked at me, “Michael, you clean up this room or I’ll give everything you own to the Goodwill!” And mom was supposedly mad because dad had yelled at her, “Elly! Don’t use my tool kit if you can’t remember to put things back!” That hardly seems like a sequence of events that would lead to violence to the Rolly, but that is the official story we Pattersons tell about the matter, in case anyone asks you on today, the 28th anniversary of the Rolly attack.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Gah, that is all so sad. MayB we oughta stick w/present-day stories 4 a while. So Jeremy knows by now, but I'll say NEway, I M OK despite the crazy stuff that went wrong w/Arne's "Ides of March" illusion at Farley Hill here in Barbados. Duncan's gran got me, Eva, and Duncan back 2 Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's, and Jeremy and I had a pretty nice time celebr8ing me being OK, when we met b-hind the goathouse @ 2AM. Our flite back 2 Mboro leaves @ noon 2day.

Apes

Liz calls top bunk

Well, NE1 who was wagering that Anthony wd pull off the most bloodless, no-passion marriage proposal he cd got 2 collect $ after reading the "Liz" installment I posted 4 all of U yesterday. She's sent me an e-mail 2 tell what happened rite after her big "YEEAAHH" outburst:

April,

After Anthony and I got ourselves engaged, I was so excited that I forgot that Frenchy had been in her room the whole time. Why is she not in boarding school? Anyway, she's not, and right after I cheered out loud, she walked into the room and asked, "Daddy? What happened?" By then, Anthony and I were hugging, while still sitting side-by-side. Anthony told her, "It's OK, honey... We were just discussing.... Well, Elizabeth and I were talking about getting married someday." Then I opened my big mouth and said, "If it's okay with you!" I wanted to show Anthony how "good with kids" I am, but then I realized that if she said it's not okay with her, I might have been unengaged! But I went on, asking, "What do you think, Francie? How would you feel if I came to live with you forever?" And she said, "I dunno. Could I keep my own room?" I was so surprised by her answer that I went into silhouette. And Anthony got a "gobsmacked" look on his face.

Ha! I'm not even done telling this story. More tomorrow.

Liz

Hm, maybe Anthony WILL make Liz and Francie share a room. And basement play-cage. Never know with the Antman.

Apes

Liz got engaged after boring proposal

Well, here comes the news ppl have been w8ing 4 (and/or dreading). Here is the latest from Liz:

April,

If there's ever a time when someone tells you I can't hang onto a secret for a long time, you remind them of the time I waited THREE WEEKS to tell anyone that I'd gotten ENGAGED! ENGAGED, April!

Okay, so I know you'll want to me to tell you how it happened. Did we go someplace special to us, full of meaning? Well, we were still on Anthony's chesterfield. But that chesterfield is special, so don't be poo-pooing where this happened. Anthony and I were clutching our coffee cups and we were still sitting side by side, but our bodies were actually touching. Anthony asked, "Should we discuss marriage?" I said, "It might be a good idea." Then he said, "We've been friends for so long, I think we'd be good partners." I said, "I think so, too."

Next, we turned to face each other. Some people say we never just look at each other directly, but that's not true, April. We just do that sparingly. Anyway, Anthony asked me, "Would you like to share your life with me, and with my daughter, Elizabeth?" I almost pointed out that his daughter's name is not Elizabeth. It's Frenchy. If we were both named Elizabeth, that would be too confusing. But I was afraid that if I mentioned that, we'd be changing the subject, and we'd never get back onto marriage, and I'd be an old maid forever. So I just ignored that "name" confusion and just said, "Yes! Yes I would." Then, Anthony said, "Then... we could say we're engaged." Which was strange. Why not just, "We're engaged!" But I just said, "Yes. I guess we could."

Then a strange thing happened. Suddenly I was very aware of having irises in my eyes. I don't remember ever having that awareness before. And my eyes felt larger than they'd ever done before. I just stared for a bit, I guess I couldn't believe that after all those years of waiting, waiting, waiting to finally be engaged, this was it, and this is what that moment was like. Then, after my brain clicked that I don't have to die an old maid after all, I leapt up, threw my arms around Anthony's head, and screamed, "YEEAAAAAHH!"

Now that my big news is out, I guess Mom is going to have a lot of happy, excited people showing up at Lilliput's to have coffee with her and tell her they've been waiting for this and are so happy they cried. Some people are so emotional about my life! Even more than I am.

Liz, soon to be Mrs. Caine

Wow, well congrats, Liz. I know this is what U've been hoping 4. NEthing special U'd like me 2 bring back from Barbados?

April

Is Anthony Slow?

Well, it's Wednesday, so it's gonna take Liz @ least four installments 2 squeeze out the rest of this current story. Here's her l8est e-mail 2 me:

April,

I'm so proud of myself, because all this stuff I'm telling you about happened around three weeks ago, and I've still managed 2 keep the best stuff secret. And I'm still going to, @ least until Friday. Ha ha ha, I'll make you wait!

And before you start complaining about me making you wait, think about Anthony making ME wait. And wait, and wait, and wait. In case you are wondering (and of course you are!), Anthony drove me to his house. He made coffee (of course), and we sat down side-by-side on the chesterfield to talk while we had our coffee. April, did you know there are people who have conversations without hot beverages? Savages!

Anyway, as we were sitting there, I said,"Anthony. When we're together, everything feels right." I wanted to get the subject away from Warren's unexpected visit. Anthony answered, "Yes. It does." Then he said, "I wonder where we're going--together, I mean. I wonder where this will lead." I added, "Me, too." Don't we sound passionate when we talk? Then I felt like he'd punched me in the stomach, when he said, "But, let's take it slowly. I couldn't survive another divorce." I said, "Divorce?!! We haven't even talked about marriage!!!" Then he looked at me sideways and said, "Not yet."

April, I couldn't help thinking "Who introduces the subject of marriage by bringing up divorce?" And he had just finished talking about "take it slowly." Sure, that's the same thing I had just told Candace and Rudy the day before, but that's just for other people to hear. I wasn't expecting to have ANTHONY say that. Especially since we've already been taking it slow as molasses! I was ready to get up and run out of there. Except my apartment is too far for me to run to, and also Mom would have yelled at me for doing that. And then his "not yet" gave me hope.

Stay tuned!

Liz

Liz, U 2 seem abt as passionate as 2 dishrags drying on the side of the kitchen sink. Like "comfortable" w/ea other = bland, blah, and beige.

Apes