April's Real Blog

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Mom wants 2 tire out retired Dad

Ages ago, Mom and Dad went on their Mexico vacation, went out 2gether on a canoe, looking like ugly twin guys, and discussed retirement. Mom complained that if Dad retired 1st, then he'd be retired, but she'd just be tired. Har-dee-har, rite?

No, I don't think so either. But as U prolly know, it's MOM who retired 1st. She had all these grand plans abt what she'd do when she retired, like going back 2 school and volunteering and stuff, but mostly she's stayed home, flapped her arms, and complained.

After Dad brought Mom the flowers I told U abt yesterday, Dad told her, "My dear, 2day I officially declared my intention 2 retire." And Mom sed, "U did?" Dad went on w/"This morning, I told Everett that beginning in September, I'll B working on Fridays only." He poured himself a cup of coffee from the pot that had been sitting on the warmer since morning (ew!) and Mom immediately lined up her mug, cuz coffee envy. She sed, "That's wonderful, John, we've been talking abt this 4 so long." Yup, years. Then she sed, "There's so much 2 B dun around here.... We need a new porch, new bathroom--and we promised April we'd build her a space in the basement!" Dad went in2 silhouette and sed "Gr8!" just B4 sipping his silhouette-mug.

Then he walked off, carrying his still-steaming mug, and according 2 Dad, he was thinking, "...I'm going 2 stop working so I can WORK." Or he cd, U know, hire contractors 2 do those things Mom rattled off. But I suppose then he wdn't have the luxury of complaining abt how put-out he is, eh?

Well, that sure was boring. I'll go add my "boring" tag now.


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  • At 9:22 AM, Anonymous A Reader said…


    Looks like your parents want to build you a place in the basement. This usually means that they want you to stay as long as you can. They want you to commute to school. So please, DO NOT APPLY TO U OF T. DO NOT APPLY TO RYERSON. DO NOT APPLY TO YORK. If you do and you get in, THEY'LL MAKE YOU GO.

  • At 10:32 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 the tip, a reader. since i am looking in2 pre-veterinary programmes, my top choices r guelph u and uwinnipeg.


  • At 1:14 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I for one am glad to see that our father has finally decided to retire, or at least what he calls retire, i.e. work less than ½ the 5-day work week. I know that the persons who only monitor the lives of the Pattersons visually, and never read our monthly letters we stopped writing last year, may be wondering little things like “Who is this Everett and when did dad sell his business?”

    All I can do with such people is to shake my head and say, “You should have read our monthly letters.” Honestly, if someone is truly interested in what is going on in the Pattersons’ lives, they need to go to mom’s website and crack open those letters from last year, where Dad describes in his very own letters very clearly and with great detail how he sold the business to his associate, Everett in May, 2007; and it was Everett’s through June; and then Everett became Dad’s associate again in July, 2007; with plans to buy the business in the fall of 2007 detailed in Dad’s last letter in August, 2007. I don’t know how there could be any clearer explanation than that.

    Then those same people, who only monitor the lives of the Pattersons visually, may think that Dad is going from 5 days of work a week down to 1 day, and that this is a significant decrease. If only they read those monthly letters, they would know that Dad dropped to working 4 days a week in February, 2006, and in February, 2007 dropped to working 3 days a week. They don’t seem to know that the reason why mom is taking Dad’s retirement so nonchalantly is because Dad has been slowly moving to retirement since that canoe trip you mentioned from back in 2003. Dad hired an associate less than a year later, and has been moving steadily towards the day when he would only be working one day a week.

    When you get right down to it, sometimes I wouldn’t know what is going on in my life, without occasionally going back and checking those letters. I am sure it is the same with you, formerly little sis.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:26 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, u guessed rite wen ur mom & dad put the dogs in the basement 4 the winter, they weren’t gonna start working on that basement apartment 4u. i figger it will take a year 4 ur dad 2 finish it & by that tyme it will be rental property 4 ur mom & dad, just like ur mom talked ‘bout in her last monthly letter. thass ok, since we have talked ‘bout livin’ 2gethah @u of guelph so u can go 2 the ontario vet college there. u know once ur mom haz rented the place, if u go back there, ur gonna find sum1 in ur basement apartment & ur room haz been turned n2 a sewin’ room. kinda makes u wanna do summer skool, eh?

    thanx 4 the gift u came ovah 2 give me last nite. it wuz rilly gr8. i have seen those b4 but this wuz the 1st tyme i evah rilly 8 sum of those edible…um…thingz. neway, i can tell we’re gonna b gr8 roomm8s.

  • At 4:41 PM, Anonymous Patrick said…

    Sounds like your parents (your mom mostly) are treating you like they did that wedding dress: shoving you into some dark unforgotten corner of the basement. They seem to want to forget they had a third child when they start remembering the past on a more daily basis.

    I seem to remember you saying you wouldn't move far away when you get older, unless it was somewhere warm. The University of Florida has probably one of the best Veterinary Colleges in the USA, if you were interested in going down there. It does get cold in the winter, but not as cold as it does up there. The summers are unbearable tho, with the heat and the high humidity. Great place to get a tan tho. Lots of beach too.

  • At 8:19 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u florida, eh? i will have 2 look in2 that. thanx, patrick!


  • At 11:04 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey Apes,

    Man oh man I was so embarrassed in English class 2day. I got a B on my Diviners paper but Silhouette D00d got me an A+ on the Divisadero paper. I could of died when the teacher read the Divisadero paper 2 the hole class & went on & on abt how I wld b a gr8 professor of English lit sumday. Now he wants me 2 rewrite the Diviners paper so he can send them both 2 sum old school friend who teaches @ U of T. Sux 2b me.

    Silhouette D00d, ur destroying my street cred. Even Shannon Lake is calling me a brownnoser. I was totally going 2 destroy u 2day, but instead I had 2 waste time thinking of a way 2 restore my rep. Im going 2 do a graffiti mural on the back of the DQ this weekend, that shld make MCDunC cube again.

    Apes, sorry I havent told u the sekrit yet. I hafta finish that st00pid Diviners paper. Ill cu @ Horny Ts 2morrow aft I shop 4 my spraypaint.

    Yr best bud,
    Duncan Anderson

  • At 11:08 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…


    If ur reading this, will u plz help me w/ the Diviners paper? U no theres no way I can rite an A+ English paper. Ill help u move out of Trinity College this weekend.

    Yr x-bf,
    Duncan Anderson

    p.s. If Zenia hasnt moved out yet, cld u plz think of another way 4 me 2 pay u back?

  • At 1:25 AM, Anonymous Silhouette Duncan Anderson said…


    Whoa! A+ on my Divisadero paper. Professor of English lit! Those peeps who say the illumination-challenged shud stay in the shadows where they belong, take that!!

    I would say good luck on the DQ graffiti mural, d00d, but I wuz a charter member of the silhouette chapter of Project T.A.G. (Teens Against Graffiti) . I hope u get caught. Perdita is letting me do a mural 4 the back wall of Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's & Bambi is gonna b my model & the best part is it's legal. Yes, d00d, my mural is gonna cover ur mural, because I pointed out 2 Perdita wut ur mural wuz really about. She doesn't think they r long, brown fish ne more.

    Yr silhouette,
    Silhouette Duncan Anderson


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