Liz and Antman visit Gramps so he can thought-bubble pun

Here's what happened when Liz and Anthony showed up in Grandpa Jim's hospital room just after their wedding ceremony this past Saturday. Iris was standing by his bedside, and Liz went, "Iris! We came as fast as we cd!" Iris went, "Oh, my dear! --It's the bride and groom!"

Liz went over 2 Gramps, put her left hand on his left shoulder, and went, "Here we R, Grandpa. It's Anthony and Elizabeth. We wanted U 2 B part of this day!" And Gramps was like, "Yes!" Iris told him, "They're fresh from the altar, Jim! They took off right after the wedding! --Just jumped in a car and came here 2 the hospital!" Gramps went, "Yes?" And I guess all that emphasizing how they'd JUST! GOTTEN! MARRIED! was 2 set up Jim 4 the thought bubble he had next: "A classic case of hitch and run!!"

That is so wrong. Setting ailing ppl up 4 punnery, even in their heads, is v. bad 4 their recovery! OK, so I just made that up, but I'm sure it's true. :(

Apes

Oh, God, I'm Fated 2 Make a Lame Pun!

I woke up 2day knowing sum more abt what's gonna happen on Liz's wedding day, August 23. And now I wanna go back 2 bed until August 23, cuz I know I'm fated 2 make an awful, cringeworthy PUN.

I'll B helping Dad with his tux accessories, and he'll B grumping, "This was supposed 2 B a simple wedding! Y do I hafta wear a tux?" Yep, Dad will say, "hafta." And I'll say, "Family politics, 'Pop.'" Then I'll go, "Anthony's uncle owns the business! Here... Lemme get those cuff links," even though I'll aleady B putting a cuff link on when I start saying all that. Then Dad will whine, "I look like a CLOWN in this bowtie." And I'll notice his cummerbund is upside down, so I'll say, "U've got this thing upside down." As I'm fixing that, Dad'll B all, "How do U know which way it goes?" And I'll say.... Gah, I just want 2 stop rite there. I don't wanna have 2 tell U abt the PUN.

Ugh, well, U'll find out NEway. I'll tell Dad, "Well, the pleats open up--so if U drop stuff @ dinner, it falls in2 the cracks. That's Y it's called a crumberbund!" And Dad will glare @ me. Even tho that's xxactly the kind of thing he'd say himself. Prolly he'll B sore he didn't think of it himself. And sadly, the way Dad eats, he prolly WILL get crumbs all in it. I'm sure Anthony's uncle will appreciate that.

Apes

Edit: Jeremy and Howard, sorry I missed your comments last nite. So much craziness leading up 2 the wedding. I tried xxplain 2 my mom that sum peeps who see a badly coloured pic of her getting ready 4 the wedding will mistakenly think she's trimming nosehair when actually she is applying lipstick.

Mucilage

OK, so I just heard what happened when Iris got back, ending Mom's few-day stay w/Gramps. Mom was all, "Welcome home, Iris!" And Iris was like, "Hello, my dear!" As Iris walked in2 the apt, she sed this 2 Mom, over her shoulder: "Thanks 4 staying w/yr dad, Elly. I did appreciate my time away."

She put down her bags and went, "And I'm sure he needed some time away from me 2! --He must get tired of seeing my face day after day after day!" And Gramps went, "No!"

Iris grabbed each of his hands in her own, and went, "U don't get tired of me? Well, that's good. Because I love U--and U're STUCK w/me! ...Bonded, fastened, cemented and glued!" Gramps thought-bubbled, "The feeling is mucilage!"

Is your first reaction "bwuh"? Is it to go look up the word "mucilage"? That was my reaction. Its definition from Dictionary.com is:

[myoo-suh-lij]

noun

1.	any of various, usually liquid, preparations of gum, glue, or the like, used as an adhesive.

2.	any of various gummy secretions or gelatinous substances present in plants.

And then mayB you're thinking, "Oh, so he means Iris sticks to him like glue. Is that good or bad?" And then you might be thinking, "But was he thought-bubble punning? What could be the pun? Oh, no. Was he punning on 'the feeling is mutual'? Gah, he was!" At least that what ran thru my head. This is an esp. weak pun (and I h8 puns 2 start with!). The only resemblance between the 2 words is the "myoo" sound at the beginning. [myoo-choo-uhl]/[myoo-suh-lij]. Ugh. Painful.

Apes

Bribezilla?

I'm just gonna turn this entry rite over 2 Liz, who is already hanging over my shoulder and trying 2 think of a made-up errand 2 send me on. Brace yrself 4 her blinding wedding colours.

Apes

Ha, smartypants April thinks she knows everything. I'm not going to use my wedding colours today. I'm going to use the colour scheme I'm thinking of using to redecorate the master bedroom after I marry Anthony and move into the house. And shut-up to all of you who keep telling people I already have. I am NOT that kind of girl (anymore), I still have my own apartment with a cat, and no one can prove anything!!

There, isn't that pretty? This would be the main colour, and this would be the accent. April is so mean, she asked me if I'm colour blind when I showed her my swatches. That's almost as bad as how her mean friend Shannon Lake is always asking if I've been evaluated for special needs. I don't know how April gets such mean friends!

Well, anyway, I have a story for you! It's one of those stories that shows that Anthony is JUST LIKE DAD, and therefore PERFECT HUSBAND MATERIAL!!!

Anthony, Frenchy, and I had just finished our shopping, and we stopped at that outdoor greasy-spoon place where Pattersons who are not April like to have greaseburgers. Anthony and I were both having wraps, because those are "in" right now, and we all had fries. Frenchy asked me, "I get to be a flower girl when you get married, don't I!" And I told her, "Yes, Francie--you and Meredith will be flower girls." Frenchy asked, "Who gets to go first--me or Meredith?" And I cleverly told her, "Robin goes first because he's the ring bearer." This was so distracting, Frenchy never got the idea to ask who got to go second. Instead, she asked, "Why can't I carry the rings?" And I told her, "Because you'll be carrying flowers!"

Then I got this brilliant idea. It just hit me out of the blue, and I couldn't wait to say it: "And if you and Robin and Meredith are really, really, really good... I'll have a very special gift for you when the wedding is over." Anthony leaned over towards me and said, "Here comes the bribe!" I held my french fry mid air and felt my face getting that "gobsmacked" look, which is the perfect look to get when someone "zings" you with a pun like that. I thought, "Wow, that is EXACTLY the kind of thing DAD would say." And I felt SO proud of Anthony. Though part of me felt he was kind of, oh, what's that vocab word I was supposed to teach my grade fours in the last week of school? Oh, right, "undermined." Especially since he did that right in front of Frenchy. Oh, well, Mom told me that's what I need to get used to as a wife and mommy.

Liz Almost-Caine

Aw, no, Lawrence, don't PUN!

Yeah, so yesterday, I had 2 stop by Lawrence's biz, Lakeshore Landscaping, 2 talk 2 him abt the flowers 4 Liz's wedding. Lawrence was all, "So, U're in charge of the flowers, hum?" Gah, so my dad has Lawrence doing the "hum" thing now. Who's next? I went, "Yup! ...That's me!" Elizabeth wants sumthing that'll go w/teal and violet ribbons [cuz she didn't take Mira's suggestion abt changing her hiddy colour scheme]." And Lawrence opened up a catalogue, saying, "Let's check the catalogue." He asked me, "She knows that Nick and I R giving her the flowers as a wedding gift, doesn't she?" I thot mayB the reason 4 this question was Lawrence bracing himself 4 Liz 2 take full advantage by way over-ordering, but I wasn't sure. I sed, "Yes. It's really kind of U, Lawrence!" And he sed.... Oh man, here's what he sed: "No problem! ..Business is blooming!!"

Ick. Poor Lawrence, my fam barely ever pays attention 2 him NEmore. If they don't need help moving, or a summer job, or a tree, it's like they 4get he xxists. So mayB he thinks it's cuz he doesn't pun enuf 4 my pun-happy, fam. Please, Lawrence, don't come over 2 the pun side.

Dreadedcandiru2, U R rite, Liz is really making sure I have, like, zero spare time w/all this wedding stuff. She even tried 2 get me 2 quit my job @ the vet clinic. No way, man! I may only B a cage cleaner there, but I still get 2 observe and learn, so that's important 4 my future, U know?

Apes

Mom and gifts

Mike has sum stuff 2 tell abt what happened after he and Dee visited w/Weed and Carleen in Toronto:

April,

Formerly little sis. After a fun evening of wrestling with Josef Weeder, while my wife Deanna and Josef’s significant other Carleen Stein watched, we finally had to head back to our home in Milborough. I think Deanna got a little excited, seeing manly men like me and Weed wrestle. Her eyes were all perked up and she said, “It’s been an exciting day, hasn’t it.” I had the feeling she might have gotten a little aroused about seeing my wrestling skills, and might want to put me in a few wrestling holds of her own. To stave this off, I simply said, “Yes…I’m exhausted!” That usually works when Deanna says it to me.

I think that Deanna sensed what I was saying, and she began to try to convince me otherwise. She leaned over to my side of our car causing a shift in weight which made the wheels on our vehicle to actually touch the road. Deanna moved in close to me. I could feel her hot breath so close to mine. She nibbled on my ear and then engaged me in one of my favourite topics of conversation, which almost always turns me on: My mother. Deanna said, “We’re lucky that your mom takes the kids for us. She makes life so much easier.” Then when she said, “easier” she gave me a sultry look telling me she had just made a pun on the word “easier”. As you know, April, a pun is the way to man’s heart. I was beginning to warm to the idea of wrestling with Deanna. I responded with “She really is a godsend!”

Deanna did not react well to this. Deanna said, “A godsend? Oh good grief, Mike. If she were a godsend, she would have come to our house to sit the kids, so they could go to sleep in their own beds, instead of insisting that we bring the kids to her house. When we have April baby-sit us, she bathes the kids and puts them to bed in their own beds. I’ll bet we are going to find our children wallowing in their own filth.” I did not like the way this was going. I was getting out of the wrestling mood. I said, “Let’s stop and get the flowers.” Deanna said, “Yes. I suppose we are going to have to get them from now on, ever since you forgot your mother on Mother’s Day.

As we approached mom’s house, Deanna was still fuming. I tried to placate Deanna’s anger by saying, “I can’t imagine what we’d do without her.” Deanna sighed and said, “A lot less, that’s for sure.”

Mom was there in her night robe and her hair was down. Deanna looked briefly perplexed. I said, “It’s mom. She just has her hair down.” Deanna said, “She wears it down?” Mom sensed her indecision and said, “For me?!!” as she took the flowers out of Deanna’s hands.

We got the children, and I for one was grateful for the extreme care mom had given my children. I mentioned this to Deanna and she said, “You know, Mike. When I picked up Robin and felt his very full diaper, it brought a smile to my face.” I wasn’t sure why, but at least Deanna didn’t make me change the diaper.

That’s all I have for this week, April. Perhaps I will regale your readers again next week.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Then he also had this to add on:

April,

Formerly little sis. Mom read my writeup and wanted me to point out that as we left, she thought the thought, "Grandchildren: The Gifts that Keep on Giving." I said to her, "Is that supposed to make sense?" Mom said, "It will make the perfect design for the side of a marketable coffee cup one day." It was difficult to argue with that logic.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, I really doubt Dee was punning when she used the word "easier." Seriously, U R going way overboard looking 4 puns. Oh, and abt Robin's diaper. I overheard Mom talking 2 Connie the next day, saying, "I could have changed that diaper, but really, he'll never learn to use the po' if he doesn't experience discomfort." Can U believe that? Hm, that reminds me--I think I might need to increase my babysitting fee.

Apes

Mike wrings rungs

Mike has sum more 2 tell U all abt the whole "book" thing:

April,

Formerly little sis. I remember back to February 14, 2007, Valentine’s Day, a day when one spends time with your beloved. I remember it in particularly because I had gone to Toronto to get Josef Weeder to check out the contract for my book deal, when he revealed that he and Carleen were buying Lovey Saltzman’s apartments using a loan from Jo’s dad. Josef and I drove over to see the burnt out apartments where we used to live and Lovey was there. Then Jo described his plans for the apartments which looked like nothing but silhouettes back in 2007. It was a magical time and made especially magical getting to share it with Jo…and Lovey, and listening to him as he described his plans for the future.

Well, my lovely wife Deanna and I went to visit Carleen and Josef in those apartments after all their renovations. Let me tell you April, what a difference a year and 3 months make. They look like apartments again and not like silhouettes of apartments. Also, Josef and Carleen have moved into the downstairs landlord spot previously occupied by Lovey and her husband, the never-seen and practically invisible Morrie. I think someone was taking care of our kids while we went there. Hum! Was that you? I forget.

In any case, since this was shortly after my book had been published, most of the conversation naturally revolved around that, as it was the social event of the Milborough season. Carleen was there, and she looked more like the Carleen I remembered from years gone by, except for that bulge in her pants. At least her face was almost back to normal. She said to me, “You’re gonna be famous, Mike!” This was, of course, another tip-off it was not really Carleen, who almost never says things like “gonna”. However, I did not want this fake Carleen to know I was on to her / it; so I responded the only way a Patterson could respond, which was, “I don’t want to be famous, Carleen…I just want to make a decent living.” I am sure you know the kind about which I am talking, formerly little sis, i.e. just like mom and dad make a decent living.

Josef Weeder pointed out that “If this book sells like the last one, you’ll be sailing!” This is what I love about the man. He can come up with a pun, and it isn’t even the end of the conversation. “sailing” is a reference to the storyline of Blood Cargo, about a young sailor on a sailing boat in 1874. Josef was handing out champagne flutes as he said this and when I realized it was Josef handing out refreshments instead of Carleen, who usually does it, I had another confirmation for my suspicions. I reached for the champage to have one, while saying, “You’re not doing so badly!” It was subtle….probably too subtle… to let him know I was onto this fake Carleen.

By the time Josef handed out champagne flutes to all 4 of us, he responded with “Yeah, we’re paying down 2 mortgages and putting some in the bank!” Deanna said, “Life is good!” because she loves getting to drink alcohol. I think she missed the part of Josef paying down 2 mortgages, which is not exactly a model of life being good. The 2 mortgages are the one on his photography studio and the one on those apartments he bought from Lovey.

Suddenly it went dark. Josef said, “Damn it. I have to go get a ladder and climb up to the attic to fix that.” And he said in yet another spectacular pun / toast, “To climbing the ladder!” Which we repeated back to him. You see, April, Josef had to get a ladder and climb it, but the phrase also means becoming more successful, so it works as a pun with the conversational topic.

Then I raised up my champagne flute and said, “And, here’s to those who helped us onto the first rung!!” Those champagne flutes were awfully skinny and I noticed my hand practically had to mangle itself to hold it. Deanna said, “Mike. Hold it normally, or you are going to spill it all over…Sheesh, Mike. What is it with your family and deformed hands?” Josef said, “What do you mean? Are you saying I should raise a toast to my father, who loaned us money for this property? I pay him interest, man, and he makes a big stink about how flaky photographers are when we are even the least, little bit late.” Carleen said, “Now, Josef. Don’t exaggerate. You and your father are getting along better than you ever have. Now that he’s seen you’re with a nice Jewish girl and not chasing after Shiksa models and you are willing to make investments, I am sure he will put you back in his will.” Deanna said, “I am sure Mike is just talking about me. After I got the job as the pharmacy manager, I started making enough money so that Mike could quit his job at Portrait Magazine and work full-time on his writing.” And of course I pointed out that although those were excellent guesses, I was really making a toast to our mom. Without her help and those fabulous editing skills, I would have never done as well as I have done. Deanna was in a foul mood the rest of the night. It was a mistake to let her drink. She cannot handle her alcohol.

Someday, April, when you are a famous veterinarian, you can look back on that moment when you realized that if it weren’t for mom, you wouldn’t be climbing the ladder of veterinary success.

Love.
Michael Patterson

Yes, Mike, it was me watching yr kids. U're welcome. And I think U R so pun-obsessed, U R forcibly C-ing them where they weren't even intended. But NEway, whatev I achieve will B from working super-hard. In spite of Mom.

Anonymous, about Lilliput's. If U weren't reading Mom's monthly letters regularly back when we were still doing those (and I wdn't blame U), U mighta missed where Mom discussed selling books for grown-ups. She lamented that classic literature didn't sell better than it did and mused that it might fare better if she gave the old classics categories like "bodice rippers" and "thrillers." I suggested that they might redecorate the store so that ppl don't assume they don't sell grown-up books, but Mom doesn't listen 2 me.

Apes

That's just sad

I think Warren needs therapy. Let's C if U agree. Here's what Liz sez in her l8est e-mail:

April,

For your Friday entry, I'm already up to the part where Warren leaves my apartment! Can you believe how quick and snappy I am this week?

As Warren was putting his coffee cup on the counter in my kitchen, I cuddled up to his left arm affectionately and said, "You can't give up flying, Warren. And I can't change who I am." Then we silently went to the staircase that leads to my apartment entrance, climbed up the stairs, and went outside.

Warren said, "It sure was nice knowing you." And I answered, "Yeah... it was nice knowing you, too." Even though I was confused. Because I still knew him. Was I about to not know him anymore?

As I was thinking about that, Warren held my chin with one hand and said, "And if this guy you're going to marry turns out to be the wrong one.... Let me know, OK?" Then he put his hands in his pockets, started to walk way, and looking over his shoulder, added, "'Cause I'll always be in the wings." I think I was mildly gobsmacked.

Liz

Ugh, poor, obsessed Warren. Why is he so fixated on Liz? I hope if he marries Marjee Mahaha, and then suddenly hears from the "bush telegraph" that Liz and Anthony have split, he doesn't suddenly dump poor Marjee. Dang, flyboy, get U 2 a therapist quick. And stop trying 2 pun!

Apes

Yeah, still flashing back

While Dad was in the mood for reminiscing (gratuitously) abt his patients and patience, he decided 2 remember abt a time a lil kid named Harold came in w/his mother. According 2 Dad, the mom was all, "I want U 2 B gd 4 the dentist, Harold..." And Harold was like, "No, Ma! I don't wanna go in there!" Then the mother told my dad, "I don't know Y he's acting like this, Doctor Patterson..." This while the kid clung on2 his mom's leg while going, "I'm scared, Ma!" Dad sez he leaned down 2 look in2 Harold's eyes and sed, "Then let's just get 2 know ea other. Wd U like 2 try sum of my tools?... --And I'll show U how the chair works..." Dad sez he had just gotten little Howard calmed down and comfy in the dental chair when the mother had 2 ruin everything by poking her head in2 the room and going, "And, Harold... Try not 2 yell when it hurts..."

Mom laffed and sed, "I can imagine doing the same thing as that mom!" Dad glared @ her and sed, "I don't have 2 'imagine.' U DID do the same thing. That's Y Mike and Liz R still afraid of dentists. Luckily by the time it was April's turn 2 start going in 4 dental check-ups, I insisted that I take over the 'prepartion' part." Mom smirked and asked Y it is, then, that I always go 2 Everett Callahan (Dad's former associate and now owner of Dad's practice). Dad rolled his eyes and sed, "April thinks he's a 'morsel.'" Mom sed, "Ooh, 'morsel.' That reminds me, I have jumbo blueberry muffins in the fridge!" Then things devolved as U mite xxpect.

Apes

Ugh, flashbacks

Apparently, Dad talking 2 Dr. Ted abt patience made him think abt all the times over the yrs when he lacked patience with his patients (har-dee-har). He's started 2 reminisce, and U know what that means. We R prolly in 4 reminiscing thru next wk, and the subject of these memories will prolly veer away from dentistry in2 randomness as soon as 2morrow.

Dad sed, "Elly! I was talking 2 Ted about retirement!" And Mom sed, "Y do U talk 2 him? No good ever comes out of talking 2 Ted McCaulay. " And Dad sed, "Nevertheless. I was talking 2 him, and I made a comment abt how I wish I'd had more patience over the yrs." Mom sed, "What R U talking abt? U had so many patients U were booked solid, and that was one of yr reasons 4 taking on an associate when U did. Everett Callahan. Not Elliot." And Dad sed, "Quit ragging on the Everett-Elliot thing, names R hard 2 remember! And I didn't mean patients-P-A-T-I-E-N-T-S; I meant patience-P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E." Mom sed, "Pah, I've never had NE and never missed it!"

Dad sed, "Yeah, that's sumthing I want 2 talk 2 U abt later. But meanwhile, this lack-of-patience thing had me thinking of sum memories from that time period we R so obsessed w/lately; September 1979 thru September 1980. I recall that I came home one day w/beads of sweat spraying from the sides of my head as I told U, '::whew:: Talk abt long days! --Am I glad this one's over!' Then we sat and had coffee (which we really shdn't do in the evening, Elly, Ted told me that's Y we have trouble sleeping). And I sed, 'All yr disillusions abt home & parenting don't even COMPARE 2 the way I feel abt dentistry sumtimes, Elly... I had a kid in 2day who not only bit my assistant--but spent the entire appt counting my nose hairs."

Mom sed that this also reminded her of a time when she lacked patience even more than usual, and Dad sed, "Nuh-uh-uh, one st8ment per day, El!" Then he poured himself sum coffee.

Apes

P.S. U mite notice I stuck a "revolutionmoneyexchange" referral button on the side of my page. They R, like, rivals 2 PayPal, a couple of billionaires started the biz and they've got a special offer going thru May 15. If U feel like signing up, U get $25 during this special-offer time. And if U use my referral button, I'll get $10 4 the referral. Since I'm kinda nervous abt how much $$$ Mom and Dad have put aside 4 my university xxpenses, I M looking 4 other ways 2 put aside sum dough!

Patience

The day after Mom and Dad had their convo abt Dad's retirement planz, Dad ran in2 his friend Dr. Ted @ the Spigott Medical Building, where they both work. Dad sez that as they both stood outside the building, in silhouette, Dr. Ted was all, "John, I heard the news! ...U're finally dun w/the drill!" And Dad told him, "Not entirely, Ted. I'll B working one day a wk." As they passed thru the main doors and stopped being silhouettes, Dr. Ted was all, "Not me, pal. When I give up medicine, I'm finished. The only appointments I'm gonna have will B on the golf course." He hit the elevator button and then told Dad, "It's been a gr8 career, tho. I wdn't change a thing." Dad sed, "I wd." Then he and Dr. Ted stood in awkward silence as they w8ed 4 the elevator, got on it, arrived at their floor, and got out. Finally, once they were on their floor, Dad added, "I wish I'd had more patience."

When Dad told me all this, I asked him whether he'd w8ed all that time between "I would" and "I wish I'd had more patience" as a way of testing Dr. Ted's patience. Dad laffed w/his tongue sticking out and then sed, "No. I guess I just zoned out 4 a while there. Elevators R distracting." I sed, "Uh, right." Then I sed, "U know, it's possible that Dr. Ted thot U meant U didn't have enuf ppl coming 2 yr practice 4 dental care over the year. U know--wish U'd had more P-A-T-I-E-N-T-S." Dad got kind of gobsmacked and sed, "U cd B rite. And he cd feel kind of smug rite now b-cuz he's always had many patients. That didn't cross my mind b-cuz I've trained myself 2 call them 'clients,' even tho I h8 2 do so. I'd better call him."

After Dad was dun talking 2 Dr. Ted, he was like, "Ted tells me he figured I was making a lame pun on patience vs. patients. "Lame," April? I'm crushed! I didn't have the heart 2 tell him his puns R always lame.

Apes

Mom wants 2 tire out retired Dad

Ages ago, Mom and Dad went on their Mexico vacation, went out 2gether on a canoe, looking like ugly twin guys, and discussed retirement. Mom complained that if Dad retired 1st, then he'd be retired, but she'd just be tired. Har-dee-har, rite?

No, I don't think so either. But as U prolly know, it's MOM who retired 1st. She had all these grand plans abt what she'd do when she retired, like going back 2 school and volunteering and stuff, but mostly she's stayed home, flapped her arms, and complained.

After Dad brought Mom the flowers I told U abt yesterday, Dad told her, "My dear, 2day I officially declared my intention 2 retire." And Mom sed, "U did?" Dad went on w/"This morning, I told Everett that beginning in September, I'll B working on Fridays only." He poured himself a cup of coffee from the pot that had been sitting on the warmer since morning (ew!) and Mom immediately lined up her mug, cuz coffee envy. She sed, "That's wonderful, John, we've been talking abt this 4 so long." Yup, years. Then she sed, "There's so much 2 B dun around here.... We need a new porch, new bathroom--and we promised April we'd build her a space in the basement!" Dad went in2 silhouette and sed "Gr8!" just B4 sipping his silhouette-mug.

Then he walked off, carrying his still-steaming mug, and according 2 Dad, he was thinking, "...I'm going 2 stop working so I can WORK." Or he cd, U know, hire contractors 2 do those things Mom rattled off. But I suppose then he wdn't have the luxury of complaining abt how put-out he is, eh?

Well, that sure was boring. I'll go add my "boring" tag now.

Apes

Connie got around 2 remembering she's got stepdaughters

More on Mom an' Connie's doggie walk I've been telling U abt 4 the past coupla days. Here's some more. Mom & Connie had let Edgar and Sera off-leash, and they were running ahead. I still hung behind w/Dixie, which wasn't EZ cuz she wanted 2 play w/the other dogz, but Mom's been treating her like a 2nd-class dogizen, so we hadta hang back. I was like, "I feel ya, Dixie, I totally know what that's like."

NEway, as U mighta guessed, Mom and Connie kept w/the yammering. Connie was all, "U'll B mother-of-the bride someday, El." As if that hadn't been established that other time they got 2gether and talked, B4 the last round of flashbacks, when Connie made that effed-up comment abt herself not getting 2 B MOB. But I'm doing one of those digressy things, Rn't I? So, Connie also sed, "...And Anthony's little girl will B yr step-granddaughter! I have 3 step-grandchildren now, and I luv them every bit as if they were my own. What am I saying?!!-- They R my own! When I married Greg, his girls b-came MY girls!.... So, I don't even THINK abt being a step-grandmother." W8, I hafta digress again. If she feels this way, Y on Earth was she going on abt how she'd NEVER get 2 B MOB? If she truly thot of Molly and Gayle as HER girls, she'd think of herself as having been MOB 2x. And clearly she doesn't. So she's a liar!

NEway, Connie continued w/"So, 4get abt all the formality and just call yrselves "family." And Mom sed "I guess that's the 1st step!!" Mom was obviously spending the entire time that Connie was talking desperately trying 2 come up w/sum way 2 play w/the word "step." Which means she wasn't really listening 2 what Connie was saying, just kinda monitoring it. That's what happens w/ppl who compulsively pun.

And Connie is such a liar that her pants R on fire.

Apes

Connie thinx rocks and stones R punny

So, I told U abt how Mom and Connie were walking Edgar and Dixie, congratul8ing themselves 4 how tuff, responsible, reliable, practical, determined, loving, and 4giving they supposedly R, while I was walking Dixie rite behind them, so poor Dix wdn't hafta miss out on having a walk.

NEway, Connie went, "Our kids always got along so well, Elly... Lawrence, Michael and Elizabeth were such gd friends!" And Mom sed, "Still R!" What? Mike and Lawrence were always gd friends, but Liz didn't b-come friendly w/Lawrence until she got a job w/him @ Lakeshore Landscaping when she was on summer break from uni, and even then, they never got super-close. And let's not 4get abt the time when Lawrence hit baby-Liz and she called 4 Mom, and he sed sumthing abt how he didn't know she cd talk 2 rat him out. Yeah "always gd friends." And while they were growing up, Mike and Liz were never friends w/ea other.

But it turned out, Connie had set up all this "friend" talk 2 segue in2 talking abt Liz being engaged: "Now 'little Lizzie' is officially engaged 2 Anthony! ...And U like him, don't U." Naturally, Connie st8ed this as a st8ment rather than a question. For yrs and yrs there's been NO question abt Mom liking Anthony, and Connie had a discussion w/Mom on just how much way back when Anthony had just gotten engaged w/Thérèse, Liz was living w/Eric, and Anthony took Liz 2 his father's NYE party. Mom's favourite phrase 4 @ least 8 yrs has been "I've always liked Anthony." So I dunno Y Connie was even bothering 2 say that.

But NEway, Mom affirmed, "I do!" Just like Liz and Anthony will when they get married. And Connie was all, "When is the big day?" Mom went, "That's the frustr8ing thing, Connie. They haven't decided. --It's not even being discussed!" Connie sed, "Hmmm... In our day, a rock on yr finger meant a d8 set in stone!" Oh, har-dee-har. "Rock" and "set in stone." Yeah, whatevs. But newsflash 2 Connie: This isn't a generational thing. It's a Liz/Anthony thing.

Apes

Ew

Mike has more 2 say abt when Liz came by 2 show off her ring and Dee got her 2 try on the crawl-space wedding gown:

April,

Formerly little sis. Continuing my story about my part in the day where Liz tried on Grandma Marian’s dress for the first time. We were in our kitchen, my wife Deanna, Liz and me. Liz had on the Grandma Marian dress and was extending the front part of the dress by holding it with each of her hands. She could have fit a lot of people under that dress. So, I picked this moment to say, “Whoa! Gram’s wedding dress fits you like a glove!” My wife Deanna shot me an evil look and she said, “It was meant to be, Liz!---You should wear it!” As you know, April, our sister is obsessed with that fate stuff, so Deanna was really pushing her buttons with the “meant to be” line.

Liz went to look at the dress in the mirror and out of nowhere, this extra piece of material showed up on the back of the dress to make a big ruffle. I could have sworn it wasn’t there yesterday. While she was looking in the mirror, Deanna grabbed the neck of the dress to pull the material back, so Liz couldn’t see that Grandma Marian had a little more up front to fill out the dress than Liz does. While she was standing in front of the mirror, Liz said, “I wonder what Grandpa would think if I decided to wear it. I should ask him first.” Get this, April. Liz didn’t want to take the dress over to Grandpa Jim’s apartment and show him on a later date, after calling in advance to see if he was awake. She wanted to go right then and there, while she was still wearing the dress, and Deanna and I had to come with her. Deanna was dumbfounded, but not so dumbfounded that she forgot to call you to come over and take care of the kids. You weren’t there, but it’s the thought that counts, and the fact that the kids had not killed each other or burnt down the house when we got back.

The whole way over to Grandpa Jim’s, Liz was saying, “He probably won’t remember what her dress looked like. …It was such a long time ago. Grandpa Jim’s memory is pretty bad anyway. Even if he does remember the dress, he can’t say anything about it because of that 'faze yuh' thing he has. But what if he decides he doesn’t want me to wear it and he wants to snuggle with it like a blanket. That would be too gross. He already has those pictures of Grandma Marian, Iris put beside his bed. Darn her! He might have forgotten about Grandma Marian, if it weren’t for those pictures.”

Then when we finally got there, Iris got Grandpa Jim ready, and Liz walked in the door with the dress on. I said to Deanna, “Look. There’s a picture of Grandpa Jim and Grandma Marian in her wedding dress on the mantle. Grandpa Jim’s not going to think this is Grandma Marian’s dress Liz is wearing. He is going to call your bluff.” Deanna just said, “Michael. You should not ever underestimate what a lecher your grandfather is. He will say whatever it takes to be able to grab a young girl.” Sure enough, Grandpa Jim reached out toward Liz and his arm got longer and longer as Liz said, “Or…perhaps it all feels like yesterday” which I suppose was her somewhat punny reference to the idea that Grandpa Jim was trying to feel her.

More tomorrow, April. Will Grandpa Jim let Liz wear the dress? Will he figure out it’s not really Grandma Marian’s dress? Will he figure out that Liz is not Grandma Marian? Will he get confused about seeing Liz in a wedding dress and assume that she already got married without telling him? Or will Grandpa Jim have a series of vivid, emotion-packed, thought balloons remembering Grandma Marian wearing the same dress Liz was wearing? For the answers to these questions, check in tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson

If Gramps starts having thot bubbles like that, I'll bet it will B cuz sum1 implanted him w/false memories. I read an article abt that once. I wonder who wd go 2 all that trub 2 give Gramps False Memory Syndrome?

Jeremy, sorry my Grandma Marian brot the Leafs bad luck last nite. I never wda thot she'd B a Bruins fan.

Apes

Mom's reaction was usual

So a few wks ago, after they got the ring, Liz and Anthony came by our lil house and Liz xxtended her left hand 2 show Mom her ring. I was watching from the next room, but I didn't want 2 let on. So when I get 2 the part where I "find out" abt the engagement, it will B me acting all surprised. ::yawn::

NEway, Mom was looking really ugly, like sum 3rd-rate artist who didn't care @ all had been hired 2 draw her. And when she saw Lizzie's ring, she was all, "U're engaged!!! U're finally ENGAGED!!!" "Finally." Like this whole thing was inevitable and it was just a question of "when." Which I guess is true. Sad but true. As Anthony receded in2 silhouette, Mom threw her arms around Liz and yelled, "I'm so pleased, honey! I was hoping that you and Anthony wd get 2gether!" I was thinking, "No shizz, like that hasn't been obvious since, like, 4evs." Like even when Anthony was engaged and then married 2 sum1 else, and even when that sum1 else was xxpecting his baby, Mom was all lobbying 4 Liz 2 get w/him.

After she finished hugging Liz, Mom hugged Anthony. She was like, "Oh my gosh! We've got a wedding 2 plan 4!!" And Liz was all, "Mom!..." Then Mom disengaged from Anthony (who had retreated in2 silhouette again), Liz put a hand on each of Mom's upper arms and sed, "Mom! We're not planning NEthing, YET!... Let's just take this one step @ a time!!" But it was 2 l8. Mom had a thot bubble of Liz wearing a wedding gown and veil, holding a bouquet and going down a weird Escher-looking staircase. Hm, a staircase like that, Liz wd never make it down. We hafta find the hall that has those stairs!

Well, more on this later. MayB I'll get 2 the part where I act all surprised. And mayB Dad even got wrenched away from his trains 2 hear the news. Tune in and C!

Dunc, thanx 4 yr "Happy Easter" comment last nite. It was way weird not having U around 4 Easter this yr. I hope we go 2 the same uni!

Apes

What's Liz been Tokin'?

Liz is still telling that story of hers from 3 wks ago. Here's her l8est e-mail:

April,

I'm taken! I love being taken!

On that night a few weeks back, when Anthony and I discussed getting married and then had a tea party with Frenchy, Anthony had me help him tuck Frenchy in when she went 2 bed in her top bunk. Anthony has heard from a lot of people who say that's not safe for a 3-year-old, and he just says that "child safety" stuff is mostly a bunch of bunk. (Ha, geddit?) Anthony is so wise!

So, where was I? Yes, tucking in Frenchy at bed time. As we stood next to her bed, Anthony said, "Good night, sweetheart." And Frenchy said, "G'night, Daddy and Elizabeth." I didn't say anything. I was too worried about my hairline, which felt like it was receding.

Once we were out in the hallway, I said, "She was pretending we were a family tonight.--That's great!" Anthony said, "Yes. I think everything's going to be fine." Then he put an arm around me and said, "We just can't be in a rush, that's all." My heart sank, but I remembered Mom advising me to play it cool when Anthony says this kind of thing, so I said, "Anthony, I'm not in a hurry to get married. I'm just glad we've talked about it."

Then he turned to face me, putting another arm on me and positioning us like we were going to start square dancing. And he asked, "Should we look for a ring?" I said, "Yes. I'd like that very much." Then I hugged him, and even though my face felt very, very badly drawn, and the hand that Anthony had in the middle of my back felt like a hooky claw, I thought, "A ring!!!--The token that says 'I'm taken'!" Ha, see what I did there? April, make sure Mike sees!

Liz

Liz, please just put the words down and stop trying to play with them. Thanks!

Apes

All Mike, Almost all the time

In case U mite have had NE doubt that Mike has taken over as the focus of Milborough, here's his l8ist slice of domestic life:

April,

Formerly little sis. There are times when a man realizes that no matter how long he has been married there is something new he learns about his wife. It’s a part of the mystery I think that has kept my marriage so strong over the years, is that half the time, I have no idea where my wife is or what she is doing.

For example, just the other day, I was walking through a room I thought I knew and there was this little door on the side of the wall and it was opened. I looked through it expecting perhaps to see elves or leprechauns or some other kind of little person; but instead there was my wife, Deanna. I said to her “Deanna? What are you doing in the crawl space?” I called it a crawl space, because she was crawling in it. It seemed like a catchy phrase to me.

She replied, “I found a bunch of stuff in here!” For a moment there I thought she might have uncovered the thing that we hid in the house that you remember we found back when you were about 6 years old and we swore never to tell anyone about. Fortunately it wasn’t that. Deanna shoved out two boxes, one taped shut and the other opened and said, “This box hasn’t been opened in 20 years!...There’s baby clothes and Christmas cards…” I know you are probably wondering how my wife knew the box hadn’t been opened in 20 years. Possibly she had the box carbon-dated, or she counted the number of rings in the dust; but the truth of the matter is that our mother has the habit of putting dates on everything to the point of excess. So, the label actually had the date when the box had been sealed.

However, looking at the baby clothes and Christmas cards in the other box, I was struck by this sudden realization. I said, “But, my folks had a yard sale!” Then I remembered that mom had said she planned to have a yard sale with all her old stuff in it, and if she had included 20-year-old baby clothes and her old Christmas cards, then no one would buy those, even if they were Christmas cards sent to Pattersons. Naturally, Christmas cards sent from Pattersons are the ones which carry value. I also noticed a distinct lack of dust on these items. If a box had not been opened in 20 years, you would think there would be 20 years of dust on it, and yet both boxes and my lovely wife, were completely unperturbed by any appearance of dust. Could it be that my mother was such a neatnik that she dusted boxes she had in crawl spaces, or could it be that my mother couldn’t sell these items in a yard sale, and so she decided to store them in our crawl space, or could it be that my wife has a natural force about her which repels dust? Any of those answers are plausible.

My wife was not putting these things together and went enthusiastically back into the crawl space saying, “I guess nobody looked beyond this rock.” I think she was saying something related to the phrase “leave no stone unturned”, but who knows? She was too busy pulling out one box after another to ask. Eventually we had quite a pile of cardboard boxes, and some sealed food containers, which I fear is food with which my mother held some sentiment (last pastry made by Grandma Marian and things like that), an old coffee pot, and some books. I suddenly began to realize that there was enough room in that crawl space for another office or another bedroom, and my mind immediately raced to that possibility.

Whenever I see a big, messy pile of things; my natural tendency as a Patterson is throw out some words of condemnation. It’s just a reflex action, eh? I said, “Man, how come people collect so much JUNK!!” I realize, of course, that these words of condemnation were aimed at my parents and you; so they were foolishly uttered. The only thing I could do to compensate was to put my hand in my right pocket and thrust my hip out, in a sort of pseudo girlish repentance.

My wife put things in perspective for me. She said, “That’s not junk, Michael…That’s OURS!” As she said this a mysterious bag of things appeared in front of the junk. I decided to switch pocket hands and gave the cameraman a look which was intended to say, “My mom has scammed me by hiding all this stuff in the house, so now I have to get rid of the junk she couldn’t sell in that yard sale.” That’s the conclusion I came to anyway. When Deanna was initially drawing a comparison between the words, “Junk” and “Ours”, I had thought there was some kind of pun in there. I immediately thought of words similar in meaning to “Junk” in the hopes that one of them would sound like the word, “Ours”. My mind raced through: clutter, collateral, debris, filth, hogwash*, litter, miscellany, offal, refuse, rubbish, rubble, rummage, salvage, scrap, trash, waste, bits, crap*, detritus, dregs, dross, fragments, garbage, offal, pieces, refuse, remains, rubbish, rubble, ruins, shit, trash, waste, wreck, wreckage. I couldn’t think of a single one that would work; so I was forced to accept the fact that my wife Deanna had not actually made a pun, but made it look like she was making a pun.

And there you have it, formerly little sis, the new thing I learned about my wife: She fakes puns. It’s sad but true.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, "fakes puns"? Can't it B the much simpler conclusion, that she wasn't trying 2 pun @ all? Really, there R ppl who go thru their daily lives WITHOUT looking 4 a punnertunity in everything they're abt 2 say. U shd try it!

Liz, if U R so angry abt the fact that I xxist, U shd really take that out on Dad. One time, when U were a baby and Mike was in kindergarten, Mom was feeling bored and restless, and Anne Nichols suggested she cd always have another baby. Mom raised this possibility 2 Dad, and he was all absolutely-positively-NOT abt it. Then Mom suggested he take the permanent, surgical solution (get a vasectomy so he cdn't get Mom preggers again 4 sure) and he was like "I'm not THAT positive!" So there U have it, blame Dad.

Apes

Dee, yr butt is bigger than mine!

Mike has a story 4 U, which @ least has the virtue of b-ing in present tense. How our standards drop when we R beaten down w/the flashbacks, eh?

April,

Formerly little sis. One of the more difficult times of my day is the 2 hours between the time I pick up my daughter from her school and the time that my wife, the lovely Deanna, comes home from work to take over the kids. My son's sitter leaves after I get back with my daughter and so for 2 hours it's just me and the children. When my book Stone Season had just been published, I used to keep the children entertained by reading to them excerpts from my book. But lately, even that promise of literary greatness has not been enough to keep them occupied.

As you know, mom's primary way of keeping us occupied during that period of time coming home from school was food, but Deanna doesn't believe in feeding the children after school snacks. As she puts it, “There’s no way my kids are going to be as fat as your mother and your…” hum…well, some other people Deanna knows. My wife was pretty adamant about it, and when she is adamant about it, she withholds things to encourage me to be adamant too.

So, as it occurred, one day my daughter and son came into the kitchen as I was beginning the process of preparing for supper and was feeling especially matronly, like I almost looked like Elizabeth. I was trying out a new recipe, but the lettering was not quite that clear. It either said, "Parmesan and Sweet Potato" or it said, "Right Arm and Sweat Pit" I wasn't sure, so to make sure everything was covered, I took a checked towel and rubbed it up into my right arm pit, to make sure it absorbed some sweat from up there. As I was doing this, my daughter said, "Dad? Daddy! -- When will supper be ready?" I replied in my usual manner in which Deanna had instructed me, "You two just had lunch!" My lovely wife had said, "No afternoon snacks" and I had to stick with her rules. My daughter countered with "I know -- But we're HUNGRY!" I countered with my usual manner in which Deanna had instructed me, "You're not hungry...you're bored." As I said this, I looked at the recipe book in my left hand, as I squeezed the arm pit sweat into the casserole dish, to make sure I got the right proportion.

Deanna had often told me the best way to deal with bored children, who were complaining they were hungry, was to put them in charge of the carrots. We have had carrots with every single meal since we have been married, and so the likelihood of the children snacking on them is remote.

You may recollect a story my wife told back about 3 years ago, when she had my daughter help her in the kitchen and put her on a chair with the back of the chair facing away from the cabinet, causing an unsafe condition where the carrots and my daughter fell. Well, we have learned from that situation, and I put the back of the chair toward the cabinet. Now the chair is solid as a rock. It’s practically immoveable.

I put her on the chair and said, "So, Meredith, you can peel the carrots and Robin can feed the rabbit with the peelings." Then I gave her a peeler, a cutting board, and a few carrots and told her to go to it. Now that I think back on that event, I probably should have made some pun about how carrots have an appeel to rabbits.

I know there are some parents who think the child should be taught what to do before saying, "Go to it.", but we Pattersons are made of sterner stuff. None of this, “Move the peeler across the carrot away from your body so you don’t cut your fingers” business. After a few cuts on her fingers, I was sure my daughter would figure it out. As it turned out, I was not quite right.

As was about to put my special casserole dish into the oven, my daughter started crying, "I hate this! I can't DO it! It's too HARD! There she was moving the peeler right down toward her fingers, her nose gone to a button, and tears were streaming in an arc above her head.

My son, who is usually attracted to blood, said, "Can I try?" Then he grabbed the peeler with his right hand, and leapt onto the chair with my daughter who tried to bludgeon him with a carrot, while he tried to pull out her hair, as they fought over the peeler. They both started sending out arcs of tears, and my initial thought was, “Wow! It really pays off to have the back of the chair next to the cabinet, because the chair was not budging the slightest bit, even with the two of them on the chair at the same time, pounding their fists into each other and pulling out great clumps of hair. It was fairly amazing. I am sorry you were not here to see it.”

I hate to admit a little selfishness, since things have been so dull in our family since last September, I found I was enjoying my children’s battle a little too much. After all, it was the first excitement we have had around here in months. But eventually, my good parent nature kicked in and I thought, “What is the solution to this problem?” And right away, I knew the problem was a clear case of supply and demand. I had two children who wanted a peeler and there was only one peeler. I tried to remember if we had more than one peeler, but it didn’t come to me, even after several minutes. I think it was because the kids were screaming and shrieking and punching and kicking so much, it was difficult to concentrate.

So, I admit it, April. I had to resort to calling Deanna at work to ask her, “Honey? Do we have another peeler?” Naturally, Deanna was upset when I called. I forgot that she would be able to hear the background noise. She said, “Michael!! Stop the children from fighting and then I will tell you where we keep the extra peelers.” She didn’t seem to understand that the extra peeler was needed to stop the fight; so I explained that to her. Then she said, “Michael Patterson. Is there a Lynn written in cursive near your crotch?” I told her there was, and she said if I removed that I would be able think more clearly. She was right, of course, and I was able to settle things down a lot better. After all, there is not much that can disturb a man’s thinking more than having a Lynn near his crotch.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Gah, poor kids! But yeah, @ least sumthing is happening. I h8 it when time stands still around here. Jeremy, I had so much fun w/U watching the U.S. Super Bowl last nite, and yeah, the makeup did the trick this morning!

Apes

Iris Shd Not Pun!

When I visited Jim and Iris, I brot my guitar so I cd play 4 Gramps. Rite B4 I started 2 play, I sat on the ottoman in front of Grandpa's chair and sed, "I'm not doing so much classical now, Gramps. Mr. Bergan's teaching me sum jazz!" I was just starting 2 get in2 this one piece when I noticed that Gramps was sleeping, snoring a big ol "SNOZZZZZ..." I stopped playing and sat on one of those kitchen stools by the island-counter, and Iris told me, "It's not the music, April. ...He just sleeps a lot these days. And then, he's awake @ nite. It's as if his whole clock was turned around. ...It's hard 2 know what makes him tick!"

Argh. I told her, "I know U think my whole fam likes puns, but they make my feet itch!" Iris sed, "Sorry, dear, I did think the wordplay wd comfort U." And I sed, "I figured that's what U were going 4, and it was nice of U 2 try. I wonder if I shd have played sumthing he knows. I read that there are aphasiacs who, even tho they can't talk, can still sing old, familiar songs. MayB I'll try that another time when he's awake again." And Iris sed, "That sounds luvly."

Apes