April's Real Blog

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Connie thinx rocks and stones R punny

So, I told U abt how Mom and Connie were walking Edgar and Dixie, congratul8ing themselves 4 how tuff, responsible, reliable, practical, determined, loving, and 4giving they supposedly R, while I was walking Dixie rite behind them, so poor Dix wdn't hafta miss out on having a walk.

NEway, Connie went, "Our kids always got along so well, Elly... Lawrence, Michael and Elizabeth were such gd friends!" And Mom sed, "Still R!" What? Mike and Lawrence were always gd friends, but Liz didn't b-come friendly w/Lawrence until she got a job w/him @ Lakeshore Landscaping when she was on summer break from uni, and even then, they never got super-close. And let's not 4get abt the time when Lawrence hit baby-Liz and she called 4 Mom, and he sed sumthing abt how he didn't know she cd talk 2 rat him out. Yeah "always gd friends." And while they were growing up, Mike and Liz were never friends w/ea other.

But it turned out, Connie had set up all this "friend" talk 2 segue in2 talking abt Liz being engaged: "Now 'little Lizzie' is officially engaged 2 Anthony! ...And U like him, don't U." Naturally, Connie st8ed this as a st8ment rather than a question. For yrs and yrs there's been NO question abt Mom liking Anthony, and Connie had a discussion w/Mom on just how much way back when Anthony had just gotten engaged w/Thérèse, Liz was living w/Eric, and Anthony took Liz 2 his father's NYE party. Mom's favourite phrase 4 @ least 8 yrs has been "I've always liked Anthony." So I dunno Y Connie was even bothering 2 say that.

But NEway, Mom affirmed, "I do!" Just like Liz and Anthony will when they get married. And Connie was all, "When is the big day?" Mom went, "That's the frustr8ing thing, Connie. They haven't decided. --It's not even being discussed!" Connie sed, "Hmmm... In our day, a rock on yr finger meant a d8 set in stone!" Oh, har-dee-har. "Rock" and "set in stone." Yeah, whatevs. But newsflash 2 Connie: This isn't a generational thing. It's a Liz/Anthony thing.


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  • At 12:48 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I know that in the case of my marriage, a rock on your finger did not mean a date was set in stone. My first wedding ceremony was done on the spur of the moment and my second wedding ceremony did not have a date decided until my overly-controlling beast of a mother-in-law agreed with it. Frankly, my doubts have to do mainly with your testimony that this was Connie Poirier having this conversation with mom. It sounds more like mom talking to Anne Nichols or talking to herself really. I seem to remember that back in Connie’s day, sleeping around with multiple guys, having children out of wedlock and proposing to your husband seemed to be her style. On the other hand, I know that Connie has often wished she could be just like mom (and who can argue with that aspiration?); but perhaps she has gone so far with it that she is trying to imitate the things mom would say. All I know for sure is that when Connie is around these days, it’s like having 2 mothers, only one of them looks a lot like Grandpa Jim after he’s been beaten in the face with a stick and with a bad wig on his head.

    As for me and Lawrence and Elizabeth always being good friends, that’s certainly true. When you are young, there are moments when you have an occasional skirmish or battle; but then all is forgiven. Lawrence and I are as close as we ever were, and you shouldn’t take the fact that he didn’t come to my new author party at Weed’s office, or my just published party at my house, or come to Lilliput’s for my book-signing as any indication that our friendship has changed one iota. I know when I called him up to tell him about getting a free copy of my book, I clearly remember him saying, “You’ve got to be kidding.” He thought I was joking, but I wasn’t. That’s how good friends we are. Connie was right about that.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:18 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i am so not gettin’ this. ur mom & connie poirier went n2 the path in the woods close 2 mboro & let ur dogs loose & aftah skool we hafta track them down & bring them home? wussup w/that?

  • At 2:49 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, it's just another instance of my mom being one of the most careless pet owners, like, EVER! and connie's on that short list, 2. thanx 4 agreeing 2 help out w/that.


  • At 2:58 PM, Anonymous Lawrence Poirier said…


    Kindly point out to Michael that I now consider him a distant acquaintance who only contacts me when he wants a favour or when he is fishing for praise.

    Also, I wanted to mention that I got a very disturbing call from my mother recently. She was sobbing and she said, "Elizabeth Patterson is officially engaged to that nice Anthony Caine. Elly has always, always liked that boy! And she gets to be Mother of the Bride! Lawrence, I know that Canadian law allows you to marry Nicholas, but it's not the SAME! I'll NEVER be mother of the BRIDE!" I pointed out that even if I were straight, she'd be Mother of the Groom. She snorted and sobbed, "Why couldn't you be transgendered?!?!" It was really disconcerting.

    I reminded her that she'd been Stepmother to the Bride TWICE, since my stepsisters Molly and Gayle are both married. Mom cried even harder and said, "That doesn't COUNT! They and their mother treated me like a second-class citizen just because I drove them away when they were still teenagers!"

    I tried to suggest that their reaction was understandable, and she sobbed, "That's why I spend so much time talking to Elly Patterson! Elly flatters me and tells me exactly what I want to hear!" I told her that everyone needs to hear the voice of reason now and again, but she hung up on me.

    Anyway, April, Nick and I both want you to know that you're welcome to stop by Lakeshore Landscaping any time, and if you ever need a summer job in Milborough, you can have one here. But please ask your brother and sister to lose our number!"

    Lawrence Poirier

  • At 3:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 the job offer, lawrence. i kinda hope 2 stay away from mboro during the summers, mayB stay w/my auntie bev and uncle danny instead, but i dunno if mom and dad wd let me. otoh, the way they act, i wdn't b surprised if they change all the locks and rent out my room the moment i move into residence during 1st yr of uni.

    i think yr mom has spent way 2 much time w/my mom, and my mom's crazy has rubbed off on yrs!


  • At 7:36 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Kindly ignore the comments from Lawrence Poirier where he said I was a distant acquaintance only. Lawrence is such a kidder. After all, Mom told Lawrence about her website saying, “Enjoy the showers! The flowers are coming up!” which is practically an endorsement for Lawrence’s business and Gordon Mayes reminded Lawrence about a certain lucrative, long term contract he has with him. Then Lawrence admitted what he wrote to you about me and Liz was a little joke. Naturally he will be providing flowers for Elizabeth’s wedding, whenever it is, at the Patterson standard floral rate for former employees.

    I am so glad we have all that cleared up.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 7:59 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, u know @a distance i can’t tell ur dog, eddy, & connie poirier’s dog, sera, apart frum ne othah kinda dog. it’s weird, cuz eddy iz a big dog & he haz rilly distinct fur colour; but @a long distance i can’t tell. i know u were havin’ probs 2, wen u tackled that chihuahua thinkin’ it wuz eddy. don’t feel 2 mbarrassed tho. aftah all i tackled that miniature poodle thinkin’ it wuz sera. i wuz kinda surprised wen u tackled me sayin’ i looked like ur dog. i’m not rilly usedta sum1 who tackles dogz & then kisses them on the mouth & then...oh….i get it. feelin’ st00pid now.

    neway, we did finally catch the dogz. it prolly wud’ve been tougher if ur dog & mrs. poirier’s dog had their eyes so they cud c us comin’. weird the way they go eyeless like that. evn weirder wuz wen we brought mrs. poirier’s dog 2 her & she sed, “hmmm…in my day, a female dog on your leash meant a bitch in bondage.” i guess thass technically rite, but it wuz still weird.

  • At 9:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, so u get gordo 2 use extortion on lawrence so he will say he is yr and liz's friend? wow, that's just--wow. so wrong.

    jeremy, thanx 4 helping me find the dogs. yeah, it was hard 2 tell them apart fr. other dogs, and 4 sum reason, all the dogs in the neighbourhood were out @ once.



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