Dad shares strategies w/Mike

Yep, more stories from the Patterpast coming yr way, via Mike. Here goes the l8est:

April,

Formerly little sis. There was a moment when Elizabeth was modeling Grandma Marian’s old wedding dress in front of Dad where he was looking at it carefully and saying, “I’ve seen this dress before. It’s…” and then both mom and Deanna gave Dad such a glare it could have peeled paint off the walls. Actually it did a little, so I need to buy some touch up paint. Dad followed up with “It’s absolutely and definitely Grandma Marian’s dress. There is no doubt in my mind it is Grandma Marian’s. Yessir. Grandma Marian’s.”

After the ladies left, I said to Dad, “That was a close one Dad. You almost revealed where the dress really came from.” Dad said, “Michael. That was not close. That was an easy one. When your wife gives you a look like that, you know you are headed in the wrong direction. The most difficult ones are the ones where your wife doesn’t give any direction.” I said, “Like what?”

Dad said, “For example, back in 1979, your mom would lie in bed at night and say, ‘Considering I’m over 30, John, I’ve decided to be very objective about my looks.’” I laughed when he said that. I said, “Mom? When has she ever been objective about her looks?” Dad said, “Exactly. So she would continue on and say, ‘So---on a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say I’m 7…What do you think?...or am I 6?...(There are odd days I’m 8)….)’” I interrupted saying, “Then you must have said, ‘Oh, I think you act older than all those ages.’?” Dad said, “No, Michael. When a woman is talking about her appearance, a husband must never make jokes, at least not jokes that make any sense. You can say something like, ‘I’ll always be able to read between them (lines)…’ which makes no sense at all; but never tell a joke. The best thing to do when you are lying in bed and your wife starts talking about her appearance is to close your eyes and pretend to be asleep.” I said, “Does that work?” Dad said, “Not very often, but it is worth it when it does.”

I said, “What do you do when it doesn’t work?” Dad said, “Well. When she insists on getting an answer, which she usually does with a single word question like, "WELL?", then what I do is say, ‘If you think I’m falling into that trap, you’re crazy!’” I said, “Does that work?” Dad said, “Boy does it ever. Instead of talking about her looks, which is a very dangerous topic, you are instead talking about her sanity, which is much safer. She will almost always say, ‘Well, if I’m crazy, it’s you and the kids who drove me there.’ Then, if you are lucky, she will be in a huff, roll over and go to sleep after muttering to herself for an hour. If you are not lucky, she may go back to her original subject.” I said, “What happens then?” Dad said, “If you have to give her a number, 7 is a pretty safe number. It’s higher than average, but low enough so she will believe you are giving her an honest answer.”

It was another valuable lesson from Dad. He is wise in the ways of the womenfolk.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Hm, it seems sad that Mom was trippin' over being "over 30." No1 seems 2 consider "over 30" 2 B "ZOMG teh old" these days, eh?

Howard, that was an interesting theory U had abt Mom's nose being surgically altered to gather up skin that wd otherwise wrinkle, but if it has been, I don't know NEthing abt it. MayB Mike wd know.

Apes