April's Real Blog

Sunday, April 06, 2008

How NOT to cut hair

Mike has sumthing 2 share w/U all. The good news is that it's from the present. The bad news is that it's this:

Formerly little sis. Although it seems like my wife, the lovely Deanna, never has any hair grow on her and her perpetual bowl hair cut, the same cannot be said of my son. I know I had hoped that growing up, he would be like I used to be, with the receding hairline that caused me to bear more than a casual resemblance to that of my good friend Linus van Pelt. However, my son’s hair did not meet that expectation. It grew, and it grew enough so that my wife finally took him to a hair cutter.

I know that some people might say that over 3 years old, my son should have been going to haircutters regularly for some time; but those people do not understand the peculiarities of Patterson hair. When you think about it, April, how long has it been in your very own blog where you mentioned going to the hair salon for a hair cut or a change in your hair style? I am sure it has been months and months. Patterson hair just doesn’t grow that often or that quickly.

Deanna took my son to the Studio Salon next to the Video Store in the Milborough Mall. She had been forewarned that she might need to take a toy to distract him, while the haircutter did her business; but unfortunately no one told her that it was a good idea to give the toy to our son to distract him. As she told the story to me about her waving this toy around, while my son flailed about, it was pretty obvious what the flaw was. However, I restrained myself from mentioning it as Deanna recounted how a little storm cloud appeared above her head. Shortly thereafter, Deanna and my son left the salon doing the standard Patterson “wave goodbye while you are a few steps away from the doorway”. The haircutter stood at the store entrance and waved, which Deanna attributed to being “nice” and I attributed it to being the least busy haircutter (thus explaining her incompetence with my son).

Later that night, as my son lay sleeping, a mysterious creature approached my son in his slumbers. A creature armed with a pair of scissors. Yes, it was my lovely wife, Deanna, determined to give my son a haircut without him knowing. She had decided to rely on her knowledge that my son is not very light sleeper. She “CUT CUT CLIP CUT cut CUT” away at his hair on his left side with tiny two-fingered scissors. As my son briefly, “SNORK!”ed, she pulled away with caution, fear, and what appeared to me to be a deformed right hand. I have often noticed that of all the body parts of the Pattersons, which frequently appear to be deformed, the hands and fingers are usually the first to go.

Then as my son rolled over to his right side with a “MMFFF SNORK MMM SMACK SMACK, ZZZZ” sound, my lovely wife Deanna hid behind the protective gate on his bed; so that he wouldn’t see…I mean hear…That doesn’t work either. Could it be that she was trying to use the gate to block the air flow between her and my son, so that he wouldn’t catch her scent in the air?

She approached him again and “SNIP cut clip CUT CUT cut cut” on his right side. Deanna finished just before she went into a silhouette, which would have made seeing a little more difficult. My son reacted with a “SNORT UMPH SNZ”, and my wife hid behind the gate once again.

This next time, my son had moved so he was lying on his back with his face directly forward. I approached from behind in silhouette, as I heard the sound “CLIP, SNIP, CUT, CUT CLIP, CUT” and assumed from the sound and the fact I saw my wife with the scissors in her hand, these sounds came from her haircutting. However, looking more closely, I noticed Deanna was bent over. I began to suspect those sounds had come from some other source than haircutting. In other words, Deanna had been cutting something other than hair. Also, I noticed that Deanna was pointing her left hand fingers to my son as if she had him in some kind of magic spell.

She told me that at this point she thought “DONE!” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she had completely missed the back of my son’s head. However, my son, the sound sleeper, had slept through it all, including when Deanna said out loud, “READY!” to me. That was my signal to pick up my son so that Deanna could collect all the hair cuttings in his bedsheets and replace the bedsheets with new clean ones.

Even as I lay him back into his bed, all he managed was a “SNRK” to indicate he knew anything had happened to him. This bolstered my wife’s confidence, and she said to me, “Tomorrow night I’ll cut his toe-nails.” This left me with a gobsmacked look on my face. After all, she had not tried taking my son to a nail salon before suggesting this.

He’s only a few months older than 3 years. I am beginning to wonder if it’s too early to think about toenail-cutting for my son. He may be too young. After all, April, when is the last time you can remember having to cut your toenails?

Michael Patterson
Mike, it is v. cruel of U 2 ask abt when was the last time I changed my hairstyle. U know v. well abt my hair curse, which has been demostr8ed 2 U so even U had 2 admit it was true. No matter what I do w/my hair, it goes in2 the stupid bun I almost always have. Every once in a while, I get a v. brief reprieve, like when I got 2 wear my hair down 4 Gym Jam, or when I got 2 wear it down with just the front strands pulled back, on the day Liz called me "picky face." As 4 my toenails, I have 2 trim them all the time. I just down blog abt that, cuz it's a v. boring topic.

Dee needs 2 get Robin used 2 having his hair cut and toenails trimmed when he's awake. I remember from babysitting Paul and Rosemary Mayes that they resisted this stuff @ 1st but they got used 2 it. Cuz Tracey didn't resort 2 handling it all when they were sleeping!


Edit: Mom just informed me that, for some reason, we have an alternate story to discuss 2day. She sez ppl haven't seen or heard abt the pets in so long they R starting 2 spread rumours that she tossed them in2 the basement 4 the entire winter. NEway, yesterday, Eddie went outside 2 dig up bones and composted garbage. When Mom was "SCRAPE, SCRAPE, GLOPP, SPLTT-ing" dog food in2 Eddie's bowl, I joked that she needn't feed him cuz he'd decided 2 eat out. Get it? "Out?" Yeah, I know, that was totally unfunny and I need 2 get out more. Plus I was having a "fugly" day, w/my hair titely bunned in that propeller 'do and me wearing a pink top and purple pants Mom picked up @ the mall on clearance and insisted I "try" cuz otherwise she wasted $5.99.

Second Edit: Mom sez she goofed and we R prolly gonna B discussing this doggie story again two wks from now. Sorry abt that. Mom may or may not have stopped feeding Dixie.

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  • At 11:06 AM, Anonymous anderson "andy" davis said…

    Dear Francie,

    My mum says that we are going to Canada for your dad's wedding on TBA. Is TBA a Canadian holiday? We don't celebrate it in Barbados. My favourite holiday is Kadooment Day.

    My mum says that we will get to play together at the wedding. I will bring my squeegie and my PSP. They are my favourite toys. You may play with them if you like.

    Your friend,

  • At 11:18 AM, Anonymous anderson "andy" davis said…

    Dear Robin,

    Why does your mummy cut your hair while you are asleep? It must look very funny. Do your friends laugh at you for having silly hair?

    When my mummy wants me to do something I don't want to do, she gives me a "bribe" to be good. Perhaps you should tell your mummy that you will go to the barber's for a haircut and be good if she gives you some sweets or biscuits for a "bribe."

    Francie says that Robin is a girl's name in Canada. Do your friends laugh at you for having a girl's name? If they do, perhaps you should ask your mummy and daddy to move to Barbados. Robin is a boy's name in Barbados. Then you could work with me at my mummy's restaurant.

    Your friend,

  • At 11:36 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You are not supposed to talk about Edgar digging up bones in the back yard, until Mom and Dad have had a chance to deal with those bones, if you know what I mean. Mom is right. Wait until April 20. That should give them enough time to dispose of the...um...bones.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:54 AM, Anonymous Francie Caine said…

    Hello, Andy! My daddy says "TBA" means "to be announced." He says it's not a holiday. It means that Daddy and his friend Elizabeth have not chosen their wedding date yet.

    Thank you for your offer to share your toys. That sounds very nice. I will bring a dolly and maybe my tea set.


  • At 11:56 AM, Anonymous Robin said…

    Andy. Robin woke up with shorter hair. Robin confused. Sometimes people say Robin is a girl. Mommy says Robin needs short hair so people know Robin is a boy. Maybe Robin needs a new name.


  • At 11:57 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    eh, 2 late, mike. i'll just leave that dumb "dog" story up and ppl can plan their sunday 2 wks from 2day.


  • At 12:50 PM, Anonymous anderson "andy" davis said…

    Dear Robin,

    Perhaps you should tell your mummy and daddy that you will be a good boy for haircuts if they give you a real boy name.

    Your friend,

    p.s. Why does my Uncle Duncan call you "Prince Poopy Pants"?

  • At 1:20 PM, Anonymous Robin said…

    Andy. Robin will try your idea. Robin wants a boy name. Robin not know why people say Prince Poopy Pants. Not just your Uncle Duncan. Other people too. Robin is sad when people say that.


  • At 12:52 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. It was not until I was quite old before I realized just how it was that Mom was so effective in getting all those household chores done. She was telling me the story about how she was vacuuming the house in her usual vaccuming posture which made it appear as though she was able to lean completely over with no apparent support from her legs, and the sounds which wafted through the air were, "VACUUM VACUUM DUST "WIPE". I had to stop mom and say, "You know I just realized when I was growing up, I was probably so amazed by your vacuuming posture's ability to defy most of the physical laws of nature; I didn't notice that the "DUST" and "WIPE" noises did not make much sense coming from a person who was vacuuming." Mom said, "Well, Michael. You finally caught on. I don't think your father ever has; so don't tell him. He used to be so engrossed in his paper, I could be holding little Lizzie in one arm and pouring water into a bowl with the other arm, all the while the sounds, 'COOK STIR CHOP POUR' were going on. He never noticed that the only sound which was appropriate for the situation was 'POUR'. I could pour a little water and he would think I had made a whole meal." I said to mom, "That's amazing. Please don't teach Deanna how to do that." Mom said, "I won't tell Deanna; if you don't tell your father." And so the bargain was made and kept to this day.

    Mom's favourite story though involves one time when Dad looked up from his paper and said, "Look at this, Elly...They've developed a robot that can perform most household chores!" To which mom replied with a perfectly satisfied smirk on her face, "What's new? We've had one at our house for 7 years." How was Dad to deny it, with all those sound effects? Mom is a marvel, and I think, frankly, a lot more clever than the robot which took her place for 7 years. Would a robot come up with the idea to fool dad with onomatopoeia? I should say not.

    Michael Patterson


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