Endings to stories

While Liz was @ the hospital in Grandpa Jim's room (after she and Anthony committed their "hitch and run" Saturday--as Gramps so ritely criminalizes it), Liz went over 2 Iris, all, "How is he, Iris? Tell me the truth." And Iris went, "He's not well, dear. He's v. frail. He'll B home in a few days, tho... and, then we'll C." She went 2 one side of the bed, Ant stood @ the other, and Liz stood @ the foot of the bed. And Iris sed, "Look. He's gone back 2 sleep. But... He did C U in 'Marian's' dress--and it meant a lot 2 him." And Liz patted herself on the back w/"I know."

Then Anthony called Mom. He sed, "Hello, Elly? We'd like 2 stay a bit longer @ the hospital w/Iris and Jim. Pls tell every1 we'll meet them @ the reception." After Mom hung up w/him, Dad came over, w/Robin pulling @ his rite hand and Francie looking up @ him like she mite B thinking, "My standfather looks a lot like Daddy, and that scares me." Dad asked Mom, "Who called?" And Mom sed, "Anthony. --Everything's fine. My Dad is going 2 B OK, John. Everything's going 2 B OK!" Interesting, eh? That is NOT what Iris sed in the hospital. So who was lying? Anthony, on the phone 2 Mom, or Mom 2 Dad?

NEway, Dad sed, "That sounds like a nice way 2 end a story!" What normal person wd say that in this sitch? I know, my Dad and "normal" don't even know each other. And Mom sed, "...It's certainly a nice way 2 end 2day!" Sure, if it were true.

Apes

Holding on tight

Well, the day is here. This will B my last premonition B4 I can start telling U abt stuff that already happened. Tho U know it'll take me prolly all of next wk 2 tell U the rest abt 2day.

Robin will B rite @ the front, as ring bearer, w/Francie and Merrie standing side-by-side behind him, all ready 2 do their flower-girls stuff. When the music starts, Robin will just stand there like a deer in headlights, so I'll hafta step out of line 2 go up 2 him, put a hand on his shoulder, and say, "U're the leader Robin. Go ahead, now... the music has started." The rest of the line-up behind us will be Dawn, then Shawna-Marie, then Candace, and finally Liz and Dad.

As Liz and Dad R starting down the aisle, Liz will B like, "This is it, Pop. We're on our way." And Dad will go, "Hold on tight." While Dee squints @ them from the bride's side of the seats, Liz will tell Dad, "Don't worry. I can do this. I'm totally calm." And Dad will B all, "I know... that's Y I want U 2 hold on tight!!" Yeah, whatever.

I was sure I'd wake up 2day being able 2 tell U abt Liz and Antman xxchanging their vows, but all I've got is this? Oh, well. Gotta get started. I guess Connie's prolly helping Mom get dressed rite abt now. And I hear Dad calling 4 me 2 help him w/his tux. Man, w/all those premonitions I've had, 2day is gonna B full of déjà vu 4 me!

Apes

It was a cliffhanger 2 nothing

Wow we're 2 days away from the debacle wedding. I woke up knowing some more abt what will happen. It looks like Liz's big "STOP" outburst I told U abt yesterday won't lead 2 NEthing substantial stopping. The limo will pull up 2 the park, and we'll all get out.

So, rite after our big disembark, Dawn will B helping Liz adjust her train as Liz thought-bubbles, "Don't B nervous, don't B nervous, calm... B calm..." And Dad will geet her w/"Hi, honey! --Are U nervous?" Then we will all go in2 the rarely seen white silhouette, and sum1 will B saying, "The bride and F.O.B. R here, bridesmaids, here, flower girls and ring bearer..."

Robin will interrupt whoever it is who'll say that, w/"When can I have the ring?" Liz will bend slightly @ the waist and tell him, "Not until the procession starts, Robin. We don't want U 2 lose it. --So, for now, it's safely in yr grandfather's pocket." And Dad, w/his hands in his pockets, will go, "AAAHH!!?" Acting like he doesn't have the ring. Liz will B so terrified that she'll bare her lower teeth. Candace will pop her mouth open. Robin will B button-nosed and gobsmacked. Shawna-Marie will B in white silhouette. Francie will apparently B on a potty break, so Dawn will B playing her role, crouching down so she's only one entire head taller than Robin and looking close-eyed and concerned.

Then Dad will pull the ring case outta his pocket and go "Just kidding!" Dawn will have anticipated sumthing like this, as she'll have had time 2 resume portraying herself and run around the other side, so she'll B behind Dad and pretending she's abt 2 strangle him." Liz will clench her entire face, Merrie will just look a bit bug-eyed, Robin will LOL, and the rest of us will B in silhouette.

OK, I'm confused. "Ring"? As in just one ring? Is Liz the only one who'll wear a ring in this marriage? Shouldn't there B 2? Or will sum1 other than the ringbearer have the other ring?

Apes

Cliffhanger?

Sum more I woke up knowing abt Liz's wedding day, which is now three days away: Merrie will go, "Is this a real limousine? The kind movie stars use?" Really, Merrie, not even six years old, and THAT'S what U're gonna ask? Then Francie will B all, "How long B4 we get 2 the park?" And Robin will ask, "Will there B lotsa ppl?" And Merrie will wanna know, "Can we ride this 2 the reception?" And sitting next 2 Liz, I'll B sharing her POV, which will B that w/Francie and Robin squished 2gether on one side of the limo (Liz's left), and Merrie on the other (w/Candace and Dawn directly across fr us), it will seem like a teeny-tiny interrogation panel, as all these question will B directed @ Liz.

Then they'll switch off 2 sumthing else. Francie will B like, "My dad is gonna marry yr auntie, so that makes us stousins!" And Robin will go, "Stousins?" Francie will say, "Step-cousins! 'Stousins.'" OK, obviously, this will come from a grown-up telling her this. Even a 3yo w/"advanced verbal skills" won't come up w/that on her own. The only question is, "Which grown-up put that idea in her head?" My guess is Anthony. Wouldn't most normal grown-ups tell a little 3yo girl in this sitch that her new stepmother's niece and nephew were gonna B her cousins, and just leave out all that "step" stuff? That just seems nicer, don't U think?

Well, NEway, after Francie sez that abt "stousins," I guess sumthing will click off in Robin's brain, cuz then he'll B all, "Stousins! Stuzzins! Stooba gooba stubba nubba stousa loosa steeba deeba."

Suddenly, Liz will emit a huge, "STOP!" And this will cause Francie 2 B all, "Erp?" And Robin will B like, "Oop!" And a huge shadow will completely conceal Shawna-Marie, so U can't even C her silhouette. And I don't know whether Liz's outburst will just B Liz freaking out abt stopping Robin's chatter, or sumthing bigger like "Stop the wedding." The bigness of the "STOP!" has me thinking it's sumthing more than "Robin, stop being annoying," tho that cd B part of it. Like mayB it will dawn on Liz that there is no way she is ready 2 B a stepmother.

But I guess there's a gd chance that'll all come 2 nothing. Guess I'll know more 2morrow. Sorry abt the cliffhanger.

Apes

Smooth Ride/Lobotomized Bride

So again I woke up knowing sum more abt what will happen on Liz's wedding day, which is now 5 days away. It will B time 4 the bridal party 2 pile in2 the limo, and so sum1 will B all, "The limousine is here, ladies!" As Liz climbs in2 that thing as tho she's climbing up a mountain, sum1 behind her will B like, "R U OK, Liz?" And Liz will B all, "I think so--I'm trying not 2 step on my dress!" Dawn will say, "Let me help U!" Shawna-Marie will say, "Don't mess her hair!" Candace will B all, "Who's got the bouquet?" And Meredith will ask, "When can I get in?"

Once every1's inside, it'll B Liz between me and Shawna-Marie, and @ the other (front) end of the limo will Be Merrie, Dawn, Candace, Francie and Robin. Candace will tell the driver, "Ready!!" Dawn will B in silhouette 2 Candace's rite when she sez that."

Then, once the limo gets moving, I'll tell Liz, "Well, Sis... we're rolling!" I'll B one of those dorks who actually calls her sister "Sis." ::puke:: And Liz will say, "And I think it's going 2 B a smooth ride." And Candace will B in silhouette, Merrie will have a wary look in her eye, Dawn will B unseen, except mayB by wary Merrie, and, inexplicably, Francie and Robin will laff like Liz's joke is funnier than Mr. Noodle doing something v. v. silly on the "Elmo's World" part of Sesame Street.

And apparently, Mom will have followed Uncle Phil's orders not 2 tell the bride (or probably NE1 else in the bridal party) abt Gramps and the heart attack.

Apes

P.S. Dunc, don't feel bad abt spilling the news that I'll get that super-early acceptance 2 Guelph. If Mom didn't want me 2 know, she shdn't have bragged 2 my mom. Tho, in my favour, I noticed that Guelph seems a bit farther away than Burlington. And my fam is always saying that Burlington (which is where Mira and Wilf Sobinski, Dee's parents, live) is waaaaaay 2 far 2 visit. So I guess that will make Guelph uncommutable so I will HAVE 2 live in the dorms! Ha, logic! :)

A premonition for the Sunday people

I only got a coupla hrs of sleep after Liz's bachelorette party that went till dawn (not 2 b confused w/Dawn w/a capital "D"). But I still woke up knowing sum more deets on Liz's wedding day. But I kinda think these deets mite B sumwhat outta sequence and compressed, like they're a special assortment 4 the ppl who only get 2 hear abt us on Sundays.

So, like, I'm gonna tell Mom that Annie sez they'll B serving vegetarian nibbles w/dips on the side, and Mom will think, "Nibbles and dips?" I think this mite B a stupid reference 2 "kibbles and bits," but whatevs. Actually the nibbles and dips will B vegan (thanx 4 that lil concession 2 me, Annie), but I won't wanna confuse Mom more than she already is.

Dee will come up 2 Mom all, "Michael sez the musicians have arrived. ....When do U think they shd start?" Mira will say, "I have the flower girls dressed, but I can't find their baskets!" I'll say, "Aunt Georgia wants 2 know where 2 put all the gifts, Mom."

Dee will find a cuff link and ask Mom if it belongs w/one of the tuxes. I'll take a call from Anthony's mom and share that she wants sum1 2 take photos of the cake B4 it's cut. (That shd B a big "duh," cuz who doesn't do that automatically, but I guess she knows abt my fam and the Pattersnarfing.)

Robin will ask, "Who gets 2 go in the 1st limousine?" Merrie (holding the flower-girl basket that will have been found) will wanna know, "When do we get started?" Mira will ask, "Has NE1 seen the hair brush?"

Mom will sit @ the kitchen table and go all flabbergasty w/"::SIGH:: ...Elizabeth [LIZ!] and Anthony wanted a SIMPLE wedding, John. ....How did it turn in2 such a production?" Dad will put a hand on ea of Mom's shoulders and go, "I guess every1 wanted 2 B a part of it, El. Every1 wants it 2 B a wonderful, magical day." Then he'll lean down, hug her from behind, and go, "It's as simple as that." And mom will smile weakly.

Beatrice, sorry abt my sister being such a mean drunk @ her bachelorette party. I think she feels the need 2 reassure herself that she hasn't lost her "Patterson allure."

Apes

Dee, kids, and Mira

Weird. I woke up realizing I hadn't had another precognition abt Liz's wedding day, 23 August. But then I came over here, checked the comments 2 last nite's blog entry, and found that patrickrsghost had had a psychic dream abt it! Here's what he wrote:

After eating a large hot fudge sundae last night, I had a strange dream.

I was sitting in front of my TV, and it suddenly came on. I saw an image of a living room that I didn't recognize at first, until I realized it was the living room of your old house, Mike and Dee's house. I saw three kids dressed in teal and lavender clothing, and when they came into focus, it turned out to be Merrie, Frenchy, and Robin. They were chasing each other in the living room (are Mike and Dee still in the same house your parents once owned? I didn't recognize that portion of the living room), with Merrie saying "SHREIK!" and Frenchy saying "GIGGLE!" while Robin chased her, reaching out to grab her. Dee came into the room and said "Robin, Francie, and Meredith! Stop running around!" The camera then panned to a different view, showing the back of them, and Dee escorting them into an adjoining room. She then said "You're going to get dirty. Sit down and behave your-selves." Yes, she did hyphenate "yourselves". They then began playing with each other on the magically colour-changing couch, that turned itself teal to match the girls' dresses, and began to NUDGE. BOP! POKE! and GIGGLE!. The camera then panned away and went back onto Dee and Mira, and Dee said, "Mom, all I want to do is keep them clean and calm until after the wedding!" Mira then replied, after putting a hand on Dee's shoulder, "I'll help with that, dear." She then walked into the room with the Teal Couch and after losing her eyes, she looked down at them, held out a bowl, and said, "Here...have some candy." while Dee looked in on them all gobsmacked. That's right Mira. Calm them down and keep them clean with lots of sugar.

NE1 think it's strange that my brother's mother-in-law was invited 2 my sister's wedding? I think the reason is moments like this one that patrickrsghost described. Sum1 figured we needed a "villain," eh?

Apes

MayB it's something about the house?

Well, I didn't wake up 2day w/a premonition abt the wedding day, 23 August. I dunno if that's cuz I was up l8 w/Liz's bridal shower and then slept l8, 2, or if it's just cuz Sundays R different in our world. I kinda think it's "Sunday's R different."

But don't worry, I still have a story 2 share w/U. This is sumthing Dee told us last nite @ the shower, rite after Liz passed out. She sed that when Liz was having her final fitting of the not-Marian gown, Merrie and Robin came in as Dee was struggling w/the zipper and Merrie giggled. Dee told Merrie, "Come on, guys... Find sumthing else 2 do!" I'm not sure Y the kids giggling in the doorway is such an awful thing 2 do, but whatevs.

Apparently, she knew that the 1st thing they'd do is settle in front of the TV, and 4 sum reason, this offended her, 2, cuz she went, "And don't go plunking yourselves down in front of the tV!" Next, she knew they'd go 4 sum snacks, and she didn't want this either, so she was all, "And don't go grubbing around in the fridge!!" Then she knew they'd go out w/buckets and shovels 2 play in the sandbox, and so she went, "U're wearing good clothes, so don't get dirty!!" Next thing she knew, she was looking out the window, espying Merrie and Robin, totally naked, playing in the sprinkler."

Dee told us, "I felt my mouth fall open, gaping, my eyes bugged out, and my entire posture...." She waited a moment as she saw Mom going 2 use the washroom, and then she sed, "I felt that I looked like a short-haired, blonde Elly Patterson! My 'short' hair was even trying 2 arrange itself in2 a bun, which it cdn't, but it tried!" And I told her, "I don't want 2 scare U, but that whole thing U described, that's xxactly how Mom wda dealt w/the situation." And Tracey Mayes said, "Really, Deanna, if U objected 2 all the things U knew yr children wd want 2 do, Y didn't U just tell them sumthing U didn't object 2? Like 'Hey kids, how about U colour in yr colouring books.'" Dee said, "I don't know. It seems as though just a few yrs ago, I wd have 'thought' of that." And I sed, "MayB it's the house." And everyone kind of nodded, xxcept 4 Liz, who was still passed out. And then Mom came outta the washroom and said, "What's everyone agreeing abt?" And Dee said, "The house has a powerful effect on me." And Mom kinda puffed up w/pride and sed, "Of course it does! I put many years of 'Elly Patterson' in that house." And everyone kind of xxchanged secret looks.

Thanx 4 yr compliment abt my hair, Beatrice! I loved having it down and flat-ironed--I wish I cd wear it like that all the time!

Apes

Painful Punning

It turns out one of the reasons 4 Mom's visit was 2 infodump Gramps re. the wedding plans. While Mom was still sitting on the floor in front of Grandpa Jim's chair, she was all, "I'm glad Iris decided 2 visit her son, Dad. I've been wanting sum time alone w/U. I haven't been keeping U up-2-d8, but now I can tell U what's going on in our lives." And Gramps went, "Yes!" How odd, U'd think Mom cdn't keep Gramps' "up-2-d8" when Iris is around. It's not exactly classified info.

NEway, Mom went on w/"The wedding is all planned. We're having it on August 23rd." Hm, don't U think Gramps wd know that from having received an invitation? Or mayB he was one of the 10 non-RSVPs and Mom assumed that Iris threw away the invite and never told Gramps abt it? Sorry, I'm digressing again. Mom continued like this: "Elizabeth is going 2 look lovely in Mom's dress*, and Anthony's uncle is supplying formal wear 4 the men!" Don't U think the detail abt Anthony's uncle supplying formal wear is a weird thing 2 include? Y shd Gramps care abt that? Or mayB Mom feels the need 2 show how little this bride and groom actually had 2 pay 4. Found dress. Don8ed flowers. "Supplied" formal wear. What else?

Next thing Mom said was, "April's going 2 sing! Wait 'til U hear her! Michael's writing a wonderful speech [groan], the children R all in the wedding party!" Then Gramps is supposed 2 have thot, "I guess U cd call this a 'glow-by-glow' description'!" Y Gramps? Glow by glow? What has Mom done 2 his brain?

Doug McKenzie, in answer 2 yr question, we do have taverns in Mboro, but I don't know if that's what made Dad l8 that one time in 1980. He sez he doesn't remember the incident. I can't believe it--he's had lots of head trauma over the years.

Apes

*That's NOT Grandma Marian's dress!

Things that make you go, "Whatever"

Dee came by early this morning 2 tell Mom abt how Robin got himself all dirty by digging in their yard and rolling around and kicking and stuff. Dee said that she found him in a dug-up area by the fence and took him inside 4 a bath, and that while she was bathing him, she was thinking, "How can so little sand get in2 so many places?" I sed, "If he was digging by the fence, and not in the sandbox, wasn't it DIRT that got in2 so many places?" And Dee, sed, "Um, yeah, I guess so." And I sed, "How come he wasn't playing in he sandbox?" And Dee sed, "Well, I don't know."

Then Mom sed, "Quit interrupting, April. Adults are speaking. Deanna, I know EXACTLY what U mean! Y I cd tell U stories abt Michael that wd curl yr hair!" Then, she got this stricken look on her face and sed, "Oh, my God, MICHAEL! What's going on with him? Has the Johnston Institute unerased him yet?" And Dee looked blank 4 a second, and then she pulled a letter out of her purse, and handed it to Mom. "This just came in yesterday's mail," she sed, "It sez they R making 'progress' w/the process of 'recorporealizing and reintegrating Michael Patterson.' They don't specify when he'll B back, tho."

Mom took the letter, read it, snf-snffed a bit, and handed it back 2 Dee. She was like, "U came over here and the story U led w/was 'Robin got dirty' and not 'Michael's progress'?" Dee looked kind of sheepish, but Mom threw her arms around her and went, "U really R one of us now!"

Then I was like, "Dee, who's watching the kids?" And Dee was like, "Uh-oh! I left them alone! Michael erased is so much like Michael busy 'writing' that I 4got. I've gotta go, Mother-Elly!" And she did.

Apes

Bribezilla?

I'm just gonna turn this entry rite over 2 Liz, who is already hanging over my shoulder and trying 2 think of a made-up errand 2 send me on. Brace yrself 4 her blinding wedding colours.

Apes

Ha, smartypants April thinks she knows everything. I'm not going to use my wedding colours today. I'm going to use the colour scheme I'm thinking of using to redecorate the master bedroom after I marry Anthony and move into the house. And shut-up to all of you who keep telling people I already have. I am NOT that kind of girl (anymore), I still have my own apartment with a cat, and no one can prove anything!!

There, isn't that pretty? This would be the main colour, and this would be the accent. April is so mean, she asked me if I'm colour blind when I showed her my swatches. That's almost as bad as how her mean friend Shannon Lake is always asking if I've been evaluated for special needs. I don't know how April gets such mean friends!

Well, anyway, I have a story for you! It's one of those stories that shows that Anthony is JUST LIKE DAD, and therefore PERFECT HUSBAND MATERIAL!!!

Anthony, Frenchy, and I had just finished our shopping, and we stopped at that outdoor greasy-spoon place where Pattersons who are not April like to have greaseburgers. Anthony and I were both having wraps, because those are "in" right now, and we all had fries. Frenchy asked me, "I get to be a flower girl when you get married, don't I!" And I told her, "Yes, Francie--you and Meredith will be flower girls." Frenchy asked, "Who gets to go first--me or Meredith?" And I cleverly told her, "Robin goes first because he's the ring bearer." This was so distracting, Frenchy never got the idea to ask who got to go second. Instead, she asked, "Why can't I carry the rings?" And I told her, "Because you'll be carrying flowers!"

Then I got this brilliant idea. It just hit me out of the blue, and I couldn't wait to say it: "And if you and Robin and Meredith are really, really, really good... I'll have a very special gift for you when the wedding is over." Anthony leaned over towards me and said, "Here comes the bribe!" I held my french fry mid air and felt my face getting that "gobsmacked" look, which is the perfect look to get when someone "zings" you with a pun like that. I thought, "Wow, that is EXACTLY the kind of thing DAD would say." And I felt SO proud of Anthony. Though part of me felt he was kind of, oh, what's that vocab word I was supposed to teach my grade fours in the last week of school? Oh, right, "undermined." Especially since he did that right in front of Frenchy. Oh, well, Mom told me that's what I need to get used to as a wife and mommy.

Liz Almost-Caine

Michael and Moral Relativism

Uch, mayB if we R v. v. good, we will get in2 present-day stories this coming week, eh? Meanwhile, Mike has more 2 share from the boring past:

April,

Formerly little sis. I was in the middle of my writing today, when my children came into my sacred writing area of retreat and asked me a question. Normally, if they do this and they are not obviously bleeding, I ignore them until they go away. However, on this occasion they were asking a question of moral importance, so I decided it was important to stop my writing to listen to their question. I said, “What is your question again?” My daughter said, “For the 10th time Daddy, Gramma Elly took a case of food out of the back of Mr. Singh’s store and she didn’t pay for it. Isn’t that wrong?”

I said, “I want you to know that you can’t go taking food from someone’s store—it’s very wrong. However, in the case of Mr. Singh’s store, there are few good reasons why we can take from there. First of all, we’ve taken food from Mr. Singh’s store before.” My kids said, “We did?” And then I regaled my kids with the story about your taking food from Mr. Singh when you were younger and how you eventually paid him back, so it was all right you took the food in the first place. I would say more about this story, but it did not happen in 1979.

I said, “Second of all, there are many people who are going to make contributions to your Auntie Elizabeth and future Uncle Anthony’s wedding. What you saw was probably your Gramma Elly taking food for the wedding.”

Then I continued, “In fact, children, I have a story from 1979 when I learned all about this.” My children groaned, and this is the story I told them:

Once when I was little, we had a neighbour named Mrs. Baird. She had a garden of prize-winning flowers. One day when my mom, your Gramma Elly, was not feeling good, I picked some of the flowers to give to her to make her feel better. She said, “Flowers! –Thank you, Michael!—Where did you find them?” I said, “Well, I sort of …er…got them from Mrs. Baird’s place.” I think mom thought I might have gotten them from some public park or a botanical garden or something like that. She said to me, “You can’t go taking flowers from people’s gardens, Honey---It’s very wrong. You must NEVER do it again! But if you do---try and leave on the stem.” I said to my kids, "Do you understand the meaning behind my story from 1979?"

My son said, “Don’t eat stem!” My daughter said, “It’s OK to steal!! Yay!!” I said, “No! No! No! Mrs. Baird had given us flowers before for me to give to Gramma Elly when she wasn’t feeling good. That’s why Gramma Elly knew it was OK for me to do it again.” My daughter said, “You left that part out.” I said, “Goodness. Read between the lines.” My daughter said, “OK. Gramma Elly got pastries for Auntie Liz’s wedding. Yay!!” My son went “Yay! Pastries!!” also.

Sometimes it can be difficult to tell morality stories to young children.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Esp. when the stories lack morality!

Jeremy, I got yr txt message and I can def. help U and yr mom 2day. What time do U want me 2 come over?

Apes

Cleaning rooms and pouring milk in 1979

Mike found another reason 2 share a story from 1979:

April,

Formerly little sis. Just the other day with my kids, I was pouring milk from a milk bag, when they asked me how it was that I learned to do that. Well, April, after having told my children so many stories from 1979, I was surprised that they would actually ask for one. I said, “Well, kids, to answer your question, I will have to tell you another story from 1979.” My children groaned, but allowed me to go ahead. This is the story I told:

Back in 1979, our mother was notorious for cleaning my room and Elizabeth’s room, because she was very fastidious and she didn’t trust anyone else to clean the rooms like she wanted them to be cleaned. By and large we stayed out of her way when she was in a cleaning mood. She would pick up my Super Teddy sans cape, and would mutter to herself “If women resent their position, they have only themselves to blame.”

My children immediately said, “What does that mean Daddy?” I said, “Well kids, back in 1979, there were these things called feminists. They would like to say things which got women confused, like whether or not it was better to have a job or to be a mommy to be both. What it means is that if you didn’t want to be a mommy or a worker or both of those things; then you didn’t have to. And if you were a mommy or a worker or both of those things, and you didn’t want to be, it was your own fault, because you picked it in the first place.” My daughter said, “Did you pick to be a daddy, ‘cause mommy says you didn’t?” I replied, “Mommy’s right. But these things only apply to girls. Boys have to be both a worker and a daddy.”

I continued on, “Then my mother would sometimes mutter, ‘If men were only taught as boys to do things for themselves…this problem wouldn’t exist…’” My son said, “Huh?” I said, “Exactly! This was confusing to me too, when I was 5 years old. But then an amazing thing happened to me that made it all clear.” My children said, “What?” I said, “I went to my mother and said, ‘Hey, mom…could you get me a glass of milk?” and she said, “Sure, Mike…as soon as I get your room cleaned up.” This was basically the same thing as saying, “No”. I thought it might mean that she wanted me to clean my room; but she was in a cleaning mood, so I knew it meant for me to get out of the way and get the milk myself.

I had never gotten milk by myself, because I was afraid of the milk bags. I had been my entire life, all 5 years of it. But then, thanks to my mom, I was going to have to get a glass of milk by myself. This is how you do it:” and I demonstrated with a milk bag, a milk jug and a pair of scissors.

Step 1: Put milk bag into the milk jug.
Step 2: Snip the corner of the bag by holding the very corner and using scissors
Step 3: Pour the milk into the glass.
Step 4: Drink milk.

My kids were amazed. I said, “And that, children, is how to do that, learned all by myself; because mom was busy cleaning my room.”

Love,
Michael Patterson

So, Mike, did U ever learn 2 clean yr own room, or did U just let that B Dee's job once U got married?

Happy 4th of July 2 my U.S.A. readers!

Apes

Gross food in the past

Poor Merrie and Robin. Mike used 1979/80 Patterson "food" 2 teach his kids sum kind of cruel lesson:

April,

Formerly little sis. Just the other day, I heard my children complain about how they were constantly subjected to carrots as a part of their daily diet. They whined, they complained, they caterwauled and made all kinds of obscene gestures in my direction. All I could do was laugh and laugh, because I knew that, if they experienced the kinds of meals to which I was subjected in my youth, they would embrace carrots joyfully.

So, I told them, “Kids. I have heard your complaints about carrot coins, and I have decided that you should have a meal I had when I was growing up.” My children said, “Gramma Elly food?” And I said, “Even better. Gramma Elly food she used to make back in 1979.” My children moaned, “No! Not another flashback!” But, of course, I couldn’t make the meal from 1979, without telling my story from 1979. This is the story I told, as I made them their meal of liver and spinach.

I said, “One day I was eating and making noises like this: CHEW GULP! Gobble CHOMP Glut!” My children laughed and said, “Just like Gramma Elly!” I said, “Not only was I slurping and drooling, but my cheeks were stuffed with food and my drink was all over the table.” My children said, “Hooray! Gramma Elly food!!” I said, “Not only that but my drink spill moved on the table, my food moved on my plate, and plate kept changing sizes.” My children said, “Yay!! Gramma Elly food that moves!”

Then I said, “My mother, your Gramma Elly, came over to me and said, ‘Where are your manners, Michael! You’re eating like a pig!! Now SLOW DOWN!’” My children said, “Where were your manners?” I said, “They were right there. I was eating in the style that all Pattersons eat, except for your Auntie April who likes to pretend she is better than we are. And you will note I used an exclamation point instead of a question mark, so you would know it was a rhetorical question. Gramma Elly asks a lot of those.” My children said, “Huh?” I said, “Questions you are not supposed to try to answer.” My children said, “Oh! Those!” My daughter said, “So Gramma Elly said you were eating like a pig and you should slow down.” I said, “That’s right. We Pattersons may be gross and disgusting slobs when it comes to eating; but we do not eat quickly like pigs do.” My son said, “Eat slow and slobber.” I said, “That’s right son. Eat slow and slobber. That’s the Patterson way.”

My daughter said, “So why did you eat fast?” I said, “You will find out with this meal I am making you, the very meal my mother served me that day.” I sat the meal of liver and spinach down before them. They looked hungrily at it, since no part of portion of it looked orange or carroty. As they started eating, they slobbered, they guzzled and they got faster and faster. I said to them, “My explanation to my mother for my speed you should know by now. ‘But it’s liver and spinach, Ma!...If I slow down, I’ll TASTE it!!’” My children began to realize with horror in their eyes the truth of my statement. They wolfed down their meals in rapid succession and immediately ran to the washroom where I heard the harsh sounds of wisdom issuing from their young throats and stomachs.

I said to them, “I trust there is no problem with carrot coins tomorrow, eh?” My children said, “No, Dad.” Lesson learned.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Ick. Cdn't U have just told them, instead of getting them 2 eat that slop? 'Course I really don't understand Y they (and U) wd react by eating it fast, instead of just refusing 2 eat it. Like most kids!

Jeremy, U R rite abt the socks. I wondered Y my shoes didn't feel rite. I'll return yr socks 2 U when we get 2thether this evening, eh?

Apes

What's Mom Now--Part-Time or No-Time?

More on the stupid-boring gardening convo between Mom an' Connie. They were putting away the gardening supplies when Connie asked Mom, "Do U really want 2 B a full-time parent again?" Hearing abt that made me go "BWUH?" Isn't Mom supposed 2 still B a "full-time parent" 2 ME? Normal parents don't stop thinking of themselves as "full-time parents" when their youngest is 17 (or really last yr when I turned 16), rite? I'm not tripping, rite? B-sides, did a miss a memo abt Mike, Dee, Liz, and Anthony all moving 2 Ecuador and leaving Merrie, Robin, and Francie w/Mom?

Gah. NEway, on 2 Mom's dumb response 2 Connie's dumb question. Mom dumbly sed, "No. 2 B honest, I just don't have the energy." [2 remember I xxist.] Mom went on w/"I used 2 B able 2 chase kids all day, Connie. Especially Michael. When my Mom sed she hoped I'd have a child xxactly like I was--she got her wish!" Wow. So Grandma Marian was a mean and spiteful old bird. Nice.

Then Mom continued, and decided 2 work in the current retcon abt Michael: "Michael drove me crazy. But he was smart and funny and I loved him. ...And when I look back @ it all, he made me what I am 2day." Connie prompted Mom, with "Proud? Confident?" And Mom went 4 her punchline: "Um... Tired, actually. Just tired." Connie did an ugly-faced sticky-outy tongue laff rite on cue.

Uh-oh ppl. Look @ this sitch. It's Saturday. I just finished telling U a CONNIE story ending w/Mom reminiscing abt chasing Mike and Nizzie when they were little, and how Mike made Mom all kinds of tired. What does this sound like the prep 4? Yeah, I'm thinking it, 2. Prolly a wk's worth of "ZOMG NO! FLASHBACKS!" :(

Jeremy, def movie and pizza. Wow, I can't believe Brad Luggsworth's side gig. I guess being a cop doesn't pay as much as he'd hoped, eh?

Apes

Connie 4got me, 2!

Continuing the convo they had while gardening, Connie pushed the shovel in2 the ground w/her foot, 2 make holes for seedlings, and told Mom, "U can baby-sit yr grandchildren w/out being overwhelmed, El. U just have 2 set sum limits!" She didn't continue talking until after she and Mom were ready 2 put the seedlings in2 the ground, @ which pt she continued, "U've got 2 have time 4 yrself, rite? U've DONE yr job as a parent!" [No, she hasn't! ME! Still here!] They put the seedlings in silently, then they both got up and Connie sed, "Let yr kids find OTHER baby sitters 4 their children--and just help out when it's really necessary!" Mom wiggled the back of her head and sed, "That means leaving my babies w/strangers!!"

Yeah, whatevs. I'm just tired of ppl 4 getting I'm still only 17 yrs old and I xxist and all. But I guess I'm kinda used 2 it. Jeremy's Mom is letting me stay @ their house 4 a while, and so far I don't think Mom has noticed. She hasn't tried 2 call me or NEthing.

Apes

Gobsmacking over kids and wheelchairs

Early this morning, Mike and Dee came by the house w/Merrie and Robin, 2 beg Mom, last minute, 2 take the kids so they can attend sum kinda seminar 2gether in Toronto. Mom was like, "I dunno. Grandchildren R the gift that keeps giving. So what do I get?"

Mike was like, "Well, I have a heartwarming story 4 U. Dee and I heard abt all the credit April was getting 4 being the only Patterson who spends quality time with Grandpa Jim. And of course I couldn't let that stand! So Dee and I arranged 2 take him out 4 a picnic lunch, yesterday afternoon!"

Dee said, "Even tho it was 31 C [87 F 4 U Yanks], I insisted that we all wear jackets."

Mike added, "That's the Patterson way!"

Dee continued, "As I was zipping Robin's jacket, I said, 'I want U 2 to B on yr best behavior [sic] 2day.' Then, 2 make sure the children 'understood' what was going on, I added, 'We're going 2 take Great-Grandpa Jim 2 the park 4 sum fresh air.'"

Mike sed, "Did U know we have a blue SUV?" Mom and I both shook our heads and he said, "Well, we do! And as we parked in the wheelchair-logo parking area, I told Grandpa Jim, 'The kids R so xxcited abt bringing U 2 the park 2day, Grandpa!' And Grandpa Jim replied, 'Yes!' April, did U notice he sez that a lot?"

I said, "Of course. 'Yes' is one of the words he's able 2 say w/his aphasia, U dope! And what U call a 'wheelchair logo' is a pictogram meaning 'handicapped'!"

Mike said, "There U go, being a know-it-all again!" Mom nodded really hard.

Dee said, "Once we'd gotten every1 out of the car, and we were nearing a picnic table, I declared, 'Here's a perfect picnic spot!"

Mike went, "Yes, and I sed, 'Looks good 2 me!' Also, I thought Gramps would enjoy hovering, so I lifted his wheelchair in the air a bit on the way 2 the picnic table."

I sed, "Mike, that's dangerous!"

Mike was all, "Nonsense, April, Gramps obviously thought it was fun. He grunted in delight!"

Dee was like, "Elly, I was so proud, because the children were being so attentive of their great-grandpa! Merrie asked if he wanted to sit at the table, and Robin asked if he cd help!"

Mike grumbled, "And Grandpa answered with that ever-present 'yes' of his! But in any event, I got him out of the wheelchair and seated at the picnic table."

Dee added, "Meredith was so cute, holding on2 her great-grandpa's rite arm and making sure he was seated safely! Once he was, she and Robin both asked him if he was OK. He said, 'Yes.'"

Mike said, "C what I mean?" Every1 ignored him. He added, "When my son asked him if he was 'comftorful,' Grandpa Jim said it again. 'Yes.' Then I told my children, 'Robin and Meredith, that was so nice. U helped a lot just now--and I want U 2 know that I'm proud of U 4 being so thoughtful."

Dee told us, "That's when Meredith said, 'Grampa? ...Cd we play w/yr wheelchair?' U shd have seen it, Elly and April! Michael and Jim had matching 'gobsmacked' looks on their faces!"

Mom chuckled and said, "Kids! They say the darndest things! OK, U're rite, my heart is warmed. U can leave the kids here. But U mite want 2 start thinking of a nice little 'surprise' 2 bring me when U return. My heart can only stay warm 4 so long."

Dee went, "Thanks, Elly!" as Mike said, "Thank U, Mommy!" Then they teararsed outta there like they'd just robbed a bank.

Mom sed, "April, take these food scraps 2 yr dad in his workshop. It's time 4 him 2 feed." So I did.

Apes

Mom and gifts

Mike has sum stuff 2 tell abt what happened after he and Dee visited w/Weed and Carleen in Toronto:

April,

Formerly little sis. After a fun evening of wrestling with Josef Weeder, while my wife Deanna and Josef’s significant other Carleen Stein watched, we finally had to head back to our home in Milborough. I think Deanna got a little excited, seeing manly men like me and Weed wrestle. Her eyes were all perked up and she said, “It’s been an exciting day, hasn’t it.” I had the feeling she might have gotten a little aroused about seeing my wrestling skills, and might want to put me in a few wrestling holds of her own. To stave this off, I simply said, “Yes…I’m exhausted!” That usually works when Deanna says it to me.

I think that Deanna sensed what I was saying, and she began to try to convince me otherwise. She leaned over to my side of our car causing a shift in weight which made the wheels on our vehicle to actually touch the road. Deanna moved in close to me. I could feel her hot breath so close to mine. She nibbled on my ear and then engaged me in one of my favourite topics of conversation, which almost always turns me on: My mother. Deanna said, “We’re lucky that your mom takes the kids for us. She makes life so much easier.” Then when she said, “easier” she gave me a sultry look telling me she had just made a pun on the word “easier”. As you know, April, a pun is the way to man’s heart. I was beginning to warm to the idea of wrestling with Deanna. I responded with “She really is a godsend!”

Deanna did not react well to this. Deanna said, “A godsend? Oh good grief, Mike. If she were a godsend, she would have come to our house to sit the kids, so they could go to sleep in their own beds, instead of insisting that we bring the kids to her house. When we have April baby-sit us, she bathes the kids and puts them to bed in their own beds. I’ll bet we are going to find our children wallowing in their own filth.” I did not like the way this was going. I was getting out of the wrestling mood. I said, “Let’s stop and get the flowers.” Deanna said, “Yes. I suppose we are going to have to get them from now on, ever since you forgot your mother on Mother’s Day.

As we approached mom’s house, Deanna was still fuming. I tried to placate Deanna’s anger by saying, “I can’t imagine what we’d do without her.” Deanna sighed and said, “A lot less, that’s for sure.”

Mom was there in her night robe and her hair was down. Deanna looked briefly perplexed. I said, “It’s mom. She just has her hair down.” Deanna said, “She wears it down?” Mom sensed her indecision and said, “For me?!!” as she took the flowers out of Deanna’s hands.

We got the children, and I for one was grateful for the extreme care mom had given my children. I mentioned this to Deanna and she said, “You know, Mike. When I picked up Robin and felt his very full diaper, it brought a smile to my face.” I wasn’t sure why, but at least Deanna didn’t make me change the diaper.

That’s all I have for this week, April. Perhaps I will regale your readers again next week.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Then he also had this to add on:

April,

Formerly little sis. Mom read my writeup and wanted me to point out that as we left, she thought the thought, "Grandchildren: The Gifts that Keep on Giving." I said to her, "Is that supposed to make sense?" Mom said, "It will make the perfect design for the side of a marketable coffee cup one day." It was difficult to argue with that logic.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, I really doubt Dee was punning when she used the word "easier." Seriously, U R going way overboard looking 4 puns. Oh, and abt Robin's diaper. I overheard Mom talking 2 Connie the next day, saying, "I could have changed that diaper, but really, he'll never learn to use the po' if he doesn't experience discomfort." Can U believe that? Hm, that reminds me--I think I might need to increase my babysitting fee.

Apes

This feels redundant

I am having Blogger probs so am sending this thru e-mail. Sorry abt NE formatting issues!

Mike wrote in sum more abt his literati life:

April,

Formerly little sis. It seems like just yesterday I was getting my publicity photos from Josef Weeder. By the way, I decided to pick the picture where I had my hand on my chin and my other other hand holding my new novel Blood Cargo. Josef said the dual hand positions would show that the idea for the book came out of my head, or maybe my chin. Of course I thought my hair looked swept back like a wind was blowing on it from the big "Poof" I mentioned yesterday in the photo shoot and there was a huge shadow under my arm and the book, which just shows that this new male Carleen Stein is not as good with the reflective screens as the old female Carleen was. Nevertheless, it all turned out well, when my picture was put on the placard outside of Lilliput's for my book-signing.

Naturally, my children came. My daughter was practising her reading skill by reading the placard to me. It said, "Meet Local Author Michael Patterson Tonight 7:00 – 9:00 Latest Book" and then some other words below that she couldn't read. I sat at a table, which was not particularly well-lit, signed books and took compliments. One person I couldn't see said, "It's going to be your next best-seller, Mike!" This was not a particularly astute statement, since I would hate to think Blood Cargo was not going to be a best-seller and my next novel or some other novel even later would be. Another person I could not see said, "Anyone called about movie rights?" Initially I thought they were talking about those people who did the "War Bride" movie who have been harassing me about how they had the rights to the story I told in my novel Stone Season; but it turns out they were talking about getting the movie rights to Blood Cargo. I told them no one called, but if they did, I would let them know. You have to pretend the little people buying your book are important. Then yet another person I could not see said, "Could you sign here, please?" That was actually a helpful statement, because I discovered I was signing the man's hand and not his book. At this point, I had to insist Moira Kinney get more light.

Then mom came over to the table with my kids and she said, "This is wonderful, honey! Some very important people are here!" I thought she meant my kids or this guy on the other side of the table with a microphone pointed at me who said, "Excuse me, could we have a few words with you?" As it turned mom was talking about these people she has coffee with.

Well, I met the "coffee talk" people mom wanted me to meet. Then I did the interview with the guy with the microphone, until I realized he was just a weird guy who liked to carry around a microphone. We had a few words about how to go about pretending to be a journalist, a subject with which I am very familiar with my work over at Portrait Magazine. He walked off in a huff and I heard my son say, "Why is ever'body so incited, Merrie?" At first I thought to correct him and say, "excited" and then I remembered the guy with the microphone, and realized my son got the word right. I thought it was a word beyond him, until I looked at my son and realized he had grown quite a bit since I got him his own room and out of the crib. The doctor said something about how the crib was keeping him from growing properly, and I guess he was right. My son looked about 2 years older than he did 3 months ago.

My daughter was the recipient of his question, and she said, "I dunno…It's just another book!!!" I was a little surprised she would say that, but then I could tell that in a book store full of books, my daughter had pointed out that my book was one among many. Then I realized my daughter was wearing one of your old school uniform skirts. I think there is something about losing yourself in the writing and book-selling process that makes your kids seem like they have grown up overnight. I would have thought about it more, but there was a giant man, a fat lady, and a guy with facial hair all waiting for my autograph. Distractions, distractions, formerly little sis.

By the way, are you still living with mom and dad, or are you at university now? I just want to make sure I am keeping up.

Love,
Michael Patterson

It seems we just went thru all this, doesn't it? W8 & C if Mike got thru this book-signing w/out spoiling NE of his books w/messed-up autographs.

Mike, I have another yr of high school left after the current one, U foob. So of course I still live w/Mom and Dad.

Apes

Happy Mom's Day , Moms!

Hey, Howard, thanx 4 taking Dad home after that deep discussion @ Lilliput's. When Dad got home from that, Mom was taking a bubble bath. Dad was kinda whimpering outside the bathroom door, so Mom bellowed, "John Patrick Patterson, U quit that whimpering right now! I've EARNED the rite 2 B LAZY 2day! Do U know what I did while U were philosophizing at Lilliput's? I got a carload of groceries from The Grocery Guys, put the groceries away, made a double-crust apple pie while keeping the point of my tongue sticking out of the left corner of my mouth the entire time, vacuumed the whole house even though the vacuum fills the house with a disconcerting, giant 'SSSSRRR SSSSRRR RRR RRR,' which I've asked U 20,000 times 2 fix, I laundered and put away the linens, took out the trash, groomed Edgar (our only dog, rite?), cleaned the kitchen counters, and sed, 'WHEW!'"

Dad sed, "Hmmph! I had 2 listen 2 a bunch of being trying 2 wax philosophical at your former bookstore. How old is that Francie Caine anyway? She talks like she's in her 4th yr of university!" Mom sed, "She's 3, w/advanced verbal skills." Dad sed, "C'mon Elly, it's not just a matter of verbal skills. Her cognition is way beyond her years!" And Mom sed, "Shut up, John, there is no continuity issue here!" And Dad sed, "Bwuh?"

NEway, 2day is Mother's Day. Happy, happy 2 the Mom types out there. We're going 2 the Mother's Day brunch @ Gordo's place, Country Kitchen, 2day. It's gonna B me, Mom, Dad, Liz, Mike, Dee, Merrie, and Robin. It seems Françoise is spending Mother's Day with her mother, Thérèse, and Anthony is spending the day pouting.

Apes