April's Real Blog

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Gross food in the past

Poor Merrie and Robin. Mike used 1979/80 Patterson "food" 2 teach his kids sum kind of cruel lesson:

Formerly little sis. Just the other day, I heard my children complain about how they were constantly subjected to carrots as a part of their daily diet. They whined, they complained, they caterwauled and made all kinds of obscene gestures in my direction. All I could do was laugh and laugh, because I knew that, if they experienced the kinds of meals to which I was subjected in my youth, they would embrace carrots joyfully.

So, I told them, “Kids. I have heard your complaints about carrot coins, and I have decided that you should have a meal I had when I was growing up.” My children said, “Gramma Elly food?” And I said, “Even better. Gramma Elly food she used to make back in 1979.” My children moaned, “No! Not another flashback!” But, of course, I couldn’t make the meal from 1979, without telling my story from 1979. This is the story I told, as I made them their meal of liver and spinach.

I said, “One day I was eating and making noises like this: CHEW GULP! Gobble CHOMP Glut!” My children laughed and said, “Just like Gramma Elly!” I said, “Not only was I slurping and drooling, but my cheeks were stuffed with food and my drink was all over the table.” My children said, “Hooray! Gramma Elly food!!” I said, “Not only that but my drink spill moved on the table, my food moved on my plate, and plate kept changing sizes.” My children said, “Yay!! Gramma Elly food that moves!”

Then I said, “My mother, your Gramma Elly, came over to me and said, ‘Where are your manners, Michael! You’re eating like a pig!! Now SLOW DOWN!’” My children said, “Where were your manners?” I said, “They were right there. I was eating in the style that all Pattersons eat, except for your Auntie April who likes to pretend she is better than we are. And you will note I used an exclamation point instead of a question mark, so you would know it was a rhetorical question. Gramma Elly asks a lot of those.” My children said, “Huh?” I said, “Questions you are not supposed to try to answer.” My children said, “Oh! Those!” My daughter said, “So Gramma Elly said you were eating like a pig and you should slow down.” I said, “That’s right. We Pattersons may be gross and disgusting slobs when it comes to eating; but we do not eat quickly like pigs do.” My son said, “Eat slow and slobber.” I said, “That’s right son. Eat slow and slobber. That’s the Patterson way.”

My daughter said, “So why did you eat fast?” I said, “You will find out with this meal I am making you, the very meal my mother served me that day.” I sat the meal of liver and spinach down before them. They looked hungrily at it, since no part of portion of it looked orange or carroty. As they started eating, they slobbered, they guzzled and they got faster and faster. I said to them, “My explanation to my mother for my speed you should know by now. ‘But it’s liver and spinach, Ma!...If I slow down, I’ll TASTE it!!’” My children began to realize with horror in their eyes the truth of my statement. They wolfed down their meals in rapid succession and immediately ran to the washroom where I heard the harsh sounds of wisdom issuing from their young throats and stomachs.

I said to them, “I trust there is no problem with carrot coins tomorrow, eh?” My children said, “No, Dad.” Lesson learned.

Michael Patterson
Ick. Cdn't U have just told them, instead of getting them 2 eat that slop? 'Course I really don't understand Y they (and U) wd react by eating it fast, instead of just refusing 2 eat it. Like most kids!

Jeremy, U R rite abt the socks. I wondered Y my shoes didn't feel rite. I'll return yr socks 2 U when we get 2thether this evening, eh?


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  • At 10:47 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. In response to your questions.

    First you ask why it is that I could not have just told my children the story from 1979 instead of getting them to eat liver and spinach. Ask yourself how many lessons you have learned from stories from 1979 this year, and you will get the answer to that question. No, April. Pattersons learn by doing. This is why, when Elizabeth had her problems with her zits when she was a teenager, you observed her and learned nothing; so that when you had your problem with your zits you did almost the exact same thing she did, as if someone were repeating a story almost verbatim with 2 different characters. Pattersons do not learn from observation. Pattersons learn by doing.

    As for your second question, “why they would react by eating it fast, instead of just refusing to eat it. Like most kids!” I can’t believe you are suggesting a Patterson would refuse to eat food, even food that tasted terrible. Really, April. We are Pattersons. We are not like most people. We are held to a higher standard of eating. When a Patterson eats, people remember.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:03 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ok. good 2 know ‘bout the socks. i wuz worried 4 a bit i wuz wearin’ my step-sis’ stuff. she’z constantly takin’ my t-shirts 4 night shirts theze dayz & our laundry iz gettin’ a little confuzed.

    oh, i have a question. duz ur bro’s story have nethin’ 2 do w/the othah day wen i wuz “eating” that thing u like me 2 eat & u sed 2 me, “ur eating like a pig!! now SLOW DOWN!”. aftah ur bro’s story it makes sense in a kinda weird way y were gettin’ so upset ‘bout it. ‘course u liked it a way lot better wen i wuz “eating” slowly & that wuz worth it 2 me. altho i nevah rilly thot of it az good manners. i guess wen i think ‘bout it, it wud b.

    also, i promise wen icu, u can vent all u wunt ‘bout that biz where the ur mom told the vet doc 2 make sure u don’t get attached 2 one animal in particular & spend all ur tyme takin’ care of it ovah all the othah animalz. i dunno y she thinks ur gonna b like ur sis iz wen she teaches. i mean, it’s not like u hafta repeat every single story ur sis haz alreddy done, eh?

    cu l8er. i luv u.

  • At 11:26 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, when liz had zits, i didn't even know what zits were and no1 xxplained 2 me. that's not my fault!

    jeremy, sorry i sed that "like a pig" stuff. sumtymez i'll find myself spouting a phrase like that w/out meaning 2, or even understanding how it got in my brain. mike's story 4 2day gives me a clue, tho. and i have no idea y my mom assumes i'll b like liz when it comes 2 animal care. or my love life, 4 that matter!


  • At 1:53 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, well sumtymez wen i “eat” that thing u like me 2 “eat”, i do kinda make snorty sounds like a pig. sumtymez it’s hard 2 breathe rite wen i am “eating”. it mite not have nethin’ 2 do w/ur bro’s story.

  • At 2:00 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    If you are talking about “eating” what I think you are talking about “eating,” like you are dining at the pink taco stand, then you are definitely an Anglo. A Latino like Luis would not do such a thing. He is too macho for pink tacos.

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 2:03 PM, Anonymous alex bumstead said…

    My mom likes to sneak gross food at me too but I usually don't notice because I always eat really really fast. I guess I got it from my dad, he's totally a human garbage disposal.

    But anyway, one night I was scarfing down dinner and all of a sudden felt like sneezing. So I have to pause and wait 2 sneeze (u know how your brain stops and stuff while the sneeze comes out) but I didn't have to, but it made me notice my food.

    It was gross so I ask Mom what it is, and she says it's liver and that we had it for dinner every Monday for like 75 years! So I get all paranoid and wondering what else she's been sneakin on me, so I wolf it down and excuse myself and go have a smoke, but that gets me reallll hungry, and so I go 2 the fridge and my dad of course has already eaten everything BUT the rest of the liver!

    It didn't taste that bad but I think it was do 2 the munchies. But anyway now I eat even faster so that I don't notice if Mom gives us more gross stuff.

    UR brother's a dork but I totally understand him on the liver thing.

  • At 2:04 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    luis, if eatin’ pink tacos makes april happ, then i will eat pink tacos. april iz n2 vegan, so thoze wud b veggie pink tacos, btw. her fam is mainly n2 the greasy taco-kind of food. not april.

  • At 2:08 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    Veggie pink tacos. You are making me have a malestar estomacal.

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 5:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    luis, just stay out of this, u. yr macho talk is boring.

    jeremy is v. v. good @ making me happy.

    alex, my bro sez that instead of smoking the kind of stuff that gives u munchies, u shd find the official "michael patterson" author page and get yrself a "michael patterson writing fix." whatev that is.


  • At 4:15 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Just the other day with my kids, I was pouring milk from a milk bag, when they asked me how it was that I learned to do that. Well, April, after having told my children so many stories from 1979, I was surprised that they would actually ask for one. I said, “Well, kids, to answer your question, I will have to tell you another story from 1979.” My children groaned, but allowed me to go ahead. This is the story I told:

    Back in 1979, our mother was notorious for cleaning my room and Elizabeth’s room, because she was very fastidious and she didn’t trust anyone else to clean the rooms like she wanted them to be cleaned. By and large we stayed out of her way when she was in a cleaning mood. She would pick up my Super Teddy sans cape, and would mutter to herself “If women resent their position, they have only themselves to blame.”

    My children immediately said, “What does that mean Daddy?” I said, “Well kids, back in 1979, there were these things called feminists. They would like to say things which got women confused, like whether or not it was better to have a job or to be a mommy to be both. What it means is that if you didn’t want to be a mommy or a worker or both of those things; then you didn’t have to. And if you were a mommy or a worker or both of those things, and you didn’t want to be, it was your own fault, because you picked it in the first place.” My daughter said, “Did you pick to be a daddy, ‘cause mommy says you didn’t?” I replied, “Mommy’s right. But these things only apply to girls. Boys have to be both a worker and a daddy.”

    I continued on, “Then my mother would sometimes mutter, ‘If men were only taught as boys to do things for themselves…this problem wouldn’t exist…’” My son said, “Huh?” I said, “Exactly! This was confusing to me too, when I was 5 years old. But then an amazing thing happened to me that made it all clear.” My children said, “What?” I said, “I went to my mother and said, ‘Hey, mom…could you get me a glass of milk?” and she said, “Sure, Mike…as soon as I get your room cleaned up.” This was basically the same thing as saying, “No”. I thought it might mean that she wanted me to clean my room; but she was in a cleaning mood, so I knew it meant for me to get out of the way and get the milk myself.

    I had never gotten milk by myself, because I was afraid of the milk bags. I had been my entire life, all 5 years of it. But then, thanks to my mom, I was going to have to get a glass of milk by myself. This is how you do it:” and I demonstrated with a milk bag, a milk jug and a pair of scissors.

    Step 1: Put milk bag into the milk jug.
    Step 2: Snip the corner of the bag by holding the very corner and using scissors
    Step 3: Pour the milk into the glass.
    Step 4: Drink milk.

    My kids were amazed. I said, “And that, children, is how to do that, learned all by myself; because mom was busy cleaning my room.”

    Michael Patterson


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