April's Real Blog

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

The cement of yesteryear

Mike has sum more sharing 2 do abt a long time ago:

Formerly little sis. We were talking at the Canada Day celebration about how you were still waiting for Dad to finish out your basement space to live, and it occurred to me that Dad did, at one time, actually build things around the house which were not related to model trains. One time in particular I remember was when he decided to put in a concrete sidewalk. I had asked him to help out, but was told I was too little. Needless to say, when I saw what Dad had done with the concrete, it cried out for a little artistry. Even then I had to feed my muse.

My muse on that day was hungry for a few good footprints and handprints and the letter “M” for “Muse” in different sizes. Admittedly it was an early attempt of art; but anything would have been better than the flat boring concrete sidewalk Dad had put in. I left my work unsigned so Dad would have to figure out exactly which budding artist in the neighbourhood had so coolly decorated it.

He stared at it for awhile with his trowel in hand and his other hand in his hair, pondering the mysteries of art. Dad was not stupid though. He figured out I was the artist, and grabbed me by his right arm, which for some strange reason had a left hand on it that day. Dad was also wearing cowboy chaps, which still does not make sense to me. But the most disturbing part to me was that he had discovered the identity of the artist and was not pleased by my artistic improvements. As I was being grabbed, I said, “How did you know it was ME?” In retrospect, I should have asked for constructive artistic criticism.

I have since learned that I have a certain style, a certain “je ne sais quoi” that colours the timbre of my work, making it clear when something comes from the artistic stylings of Michael Patterson. But back then, it was a mystery to me.

Michael Patterson
Mike, I asked Dad abt yr story. He sed, "Oh, yes, I remember that. Yr brother was such a scamp! I figured that those 'M's' stood for 'Mike' and also that that was just xxactly the kind of thing Mike wd do. It didn't take a detective!" I sed, "It wasn't his artistic stylings that tipped U off?" Dad laffed and sed, "I C U've gotten Michael's version of events. Ha-ha-ha! 'Artistic stylings'! W8'll I tell the model-train club abt this!" And he wandered off.

Jeremy, that was so much fun @ the Canada Day celebration last nite! It's a shame what happed 2 Ger. Do U think we shd visit him @ the hospital this evening?


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  • At 8:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Of course your dad has to be so peculiar about things being so neat and ordered. Guess it comes from being around your mom a lot. Most other parents would have at least removed the twig and other foreign objects, but left the handprints and shoeprints. I've seen many sidewalks like that at several homes, where the kids have written their names and/or put their handprints or footprints in the cement. Some parents have actually encouraged it.

  • At 9:01 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, visit gerald in hospital this evening? ru sure? of course ur sure. aftah all, u visited me aftah i got hit by the car. i luv u4 b-ing so nice. i'll prolly go, but rite now i am still kinda mad.

  • At 11:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sgt. Royalson here.
    An evildoer's bullet laid me up in a coma for the last week or so. Normally, I might be inclined to complain, but as it's spared me flashbacks of your elder brother and mother, I am taking a more sanguine view and indeed accept it as a blessing. Have I missed anything? Is your sister (the mentally challenged one) still scheduled to marry that oofy looking stalker suspect Anthony?

  • At 1:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    patrickrsghost, what can i say? i have freaks 4 parents!

    jeremy, i don't blame u 4 being mad. i'm mad @ ger, 2. but u know it's the rite thing 2 do. and i'll make it work yr while.

    sgt. royalson, i m glad there was a silver lining 2 yr health cloud. yeah, liz still plans 2 marry anthony.


  • At 2:01 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ok. i am still havin’ a hard tyme w/this. becky let gerald sing his own song @the concert on canada day & u know wut it wuz:

    He’s germy, wormy, Jeremy Jones
    Is mean an’ rotten down to his bones.
    So everybody leave him alone!

    {then gerald sez, “that means u, april!”}
    Ol’ mean an’ rotten Jeremy Jones

    April Patterson wrote that song
    Back when she knew the right guy from wrong
    She’s needs a guy who’s long and strong
    Gerald’s the guy where she belongs

    {then gerald sez, “thass me, april!”}

    then he repeated that last line & got the whole canada day crowd 2 repeat it & if it weren’t 4u givin’ me that look, i wud’ve turned off the sound. then he got up frum the drum set & started dancin’ round the stage while he wuz sayin’ it & fell off the stage & ended up in hospital. so, i know u’ve 4given him alreddy, but i am havin’ hard tyme w/this. i know i’ll go w/u 2 hospital 2 visit gerald, cuz ur my gf & stuff, but i dunno if i am gonna b in a good mood by then.

  • At 2:22 PM, Blogger howard said…


    My family had a pretty good time at the Milborough Canada Day celebration in Milborough Park. We got to see a lot of people we had not seen in awhile. I got to talk to your sister about her upcoming wedding. I was a little surprised that the only progress she had apparently made on it was to alter the wedding dress. And when she said her wedding date was “sometime in the summer”, my wife Beatrice Alfarero, who has been spending her time trying to find last-minute wedding cancellations your sister could take over, about lost it. I had to walk Beatrice over to another section of the park away from your sister for awhile.

    This may be out of turn for me, but I think part of the reason your boyfriend Jeremy is upset about that whole spectacle with Gerald is the way you ran over to Gerald after he fell off the stage. And then there was some business between you and Becky McGuire over Gerald I didn’t quite catch in the confusion after he fell. One or two or the both of you was yelling, “How did you know it was ME?” or something like that. I don’t know what it meant.

    I know you and Gerald were together for a long time and naturally you would be concerned if he got hurt, but I can see why Jeremy might have gotten his feelings hurt. I know this is none of my business. However, to the casual observer it looked like you were proving the point of Gerald’s song. Beatrice and I were standing next to your mother at that point and I did overhear her say, “I knew it! Just like Elizabeth, April is finally making the right choice! She just needed a crisis to show her what her true feelings were!”

    Anyway, I thought you might need to know this from a friend, if you were not already aware of it from your mom.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 3:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i need 2 work on my looks. the look i was giving u meant "turn off the sound!" sorry i messed that up.

    howard, i don't know how u and my mom got that idea. i ran over 2 ger 2 let him know what an idiot he was being. well, after making sure he wasn't dead or dying.

    then ger's shirt kinda floated up so i cd c sumone had written "property of b" on his belly, and i told becky, "i c u marked yr territory." and becky was like, "how'd u know it was me?"

    hope that clears stuff up.

    jeremy, i think when we r in ger's hospital room, we shd totally make out in front of him, so he knows i've chosen u.


  • At 6:37 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i'm glad u agreed w/me 'bout not 'bout makin’ out in fronta gerald in hospital. the last tyme that happed (by accident then, cuz we didn’t c gerald) gerald started makin’ comments ‘bout technique.

    i think wen he made kissy faces @u & u refuzed 2 kiss him wuz prolly good enuff. becky wuz rilly mad wen he did that.

    i’m glad u chose me. i luv u.

  • At 7:44 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Sorry for misinterpreting your intentions toward Gerald at the Canada Day celebration. I just thought you might want to know what people were saying about you and Gerald. Probably when people see you and Jeremy together at your sister’s wedding, they will know who is with whom.

    My family and I had a great time at the Canada Day celebration. I thought your friend Becky McGuire performed very well, before she let Gerald have the mic. Most of the numbers were nice, family-friendly pop tunes; except that one called My Man Drums Me.

    I enjoyed watching your mom work the crowd, asking for donations to your sister’s wedding and rounding up guys who will agree to pretend to be Anthony’s Caine’s male friends for the wedding ceremony. That was trickier than you would think because the typical questions were (a) Would you like to be in a wedding? (b) Can you stand Anthony Caine enough to pretend to be his friend for a few hours? (c) Are you free every weekend in July or August, just in case we decide to have the wedding then? Question (b) Seemed to be the real problem for most guys.

    I think she may have found a taker in Brian, the guy Shawna-Marie married. He has to come because Shawna-Marie is in the bridal party. Shawna-Marie’s mother overheard their conversation and was not too happy about it. I think the Verano family still bears a few grudges about your sister and Anthony Caine leaving the wedding early and other things your sister did, which got back to Mother Verano. Brian may be participating, but Shawna-Marie’s mother is not going to cater the wedding for free with Italian food as your mother asked. Where did your mom get the idea that the Veranos were Italian? Brian seemed like a really nice guy and he even made jokes about how many ex-boyfriends your sister is going to invite to her wedding. I think Shawna-Marie has let him know a few things. Believe it or not, Beatrice and I are going to “couple date” with them this weekend. Shawna-Marie says its their first “couple date” since they got married. Now that my oldest daughter, Ana, is 13, we think she is old enough to handle her sister for a few hours. And of course, she is still seething over the fact that her sister is pre-engaged to Paul Mayes, so we won’t have to worry about him coming over to the house after we’ve left.

    Speaking of Paul Mayes, we had an encounter with the Mayes during Canada Day. My youngest daughter, María and their son, Paul are still an item and got along very well. Paul is a model gentlemen, and I really don’t worry about him with my daughter too much. Tracey Mayes is an excellent mom.

    Tracey Mayes was quite concerned about the turn that your sister’s wedding is taking. I think Tracey wants Paul’s wedding to be a big blowout, like your brother’s second wedding was to the tune of $50K. However, it looks like your sister is going for the cheapest possible wedding you can have in Milborough, which is to say, your sister will probably make money from her wedding instead of spending money on it. Tracey doesn’t want a wedding where your mom is going spend the entire time complaining about how awful big weddings are, but she also doesn’t want a wedding that depends on fate. Beatrice also wants to spend some money, since Portrait Magazine has been doing so well since I started working there and my boss, Mr. Gluttson increased my salary. I don’t like to brag; but we have gotten to the point where we have to hire people, in case you know any journalists interested in a job. I am not too happy about the idea of thinking about wedding plans for my daughter who is only 11, but you know how things are in Milborough. If you don’t reserve in advance, you can’t get anything decent (your sister excepted, of course). My biggest problem is the idea of having Gordon Mayes as an in-law. He cannot stop talking about your father and how wonderful he is that he invested in his business. It’s really tiring.

    Did you have a good time at Canada Day?

    Howard Bunt

  • At 9:13 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, u were rite, of course, abt the making out. i was just really p'o-ed @ ger when i wrote that stuff earlier 2day. i luv u, 2!

    howard, just a head's up. mom's planning 2 run an ad in the personals in portrait. u guessed it--2 find anthony sum fake friends. apparently her attempts during canada day didn't work out.


  • At 9:16 PM, Blogger howard said…


    That's not too surprising. After all, with the exposure Anthony gets from running the Country Kitchen and for working for Gordon; most people in Milborough know him. If I see your mom, I may recommend advertising in some magazines published in a different province.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:24 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, yeah, well i thot hospital wud b a weird place 2 make out. but u proved 2 me that wuz just a limited way of thinkin'. there r places in a hospital where u can get total privacy, especially if ur wearin' 1 of thoze hospital gownz. that wuz total genius.

    & ur right, thoze hospital beds r rilly adjustable. i wish my cot in the garage wuz that adjustable. my step-sis still haz my room 'till she'z back in university in the fall.

  • At 9:24 PM, Anonymous Mason Redherring said…

    April, I was the best man at Shawna-Marie's wedding. Please ask your mother to stop calling me to be Anthony's pretend-friend and groomsman.

    Mason Redherring

  • At 9:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mason, i'll try, but my mother doesn't listen 2 me v. well.


  • At 9:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i had fun xxperimenting w/those adjustable beds. we may need 2 buy one of those when we're in uni.


  • At 10:26 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, check ur feet. aftah we got home frum hospital, i wuz goin' 2 bed & i realized i think i have on ur socks. we musta got them mixed up wen we were...um...doin' those adjustments w/our bare feet.

  • At 12:40 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Just the other day, I heard my children complain about how they were constantly subjected to carrots as a part of their daily diet. They whined, they complained, they caterwauled and made all kinds of obscene gestures in my direction. All I could do was laugh and laugh, because I knew that, if they experienced the kinds of meals to which I was subjected in my youth, they would embrace carrots joyfully.

    So, I told them, “Kids. I have heard your complaints about carrot coins, and I have decided that you should have a meal I had when I was growing up.” My children said, “Gramma Elly food?” And I said, “Even better. Gramma Elly food she used to make back in 1979.” My children moaned, “No! Not another flashback!” But, of course, I couldn’t make the meal from 1979, without telling my story from 1979. This is the story I told, as I made them their meal of liver and spinach.

    I said, “One day I was eating and making noises like this: CHEW GULP! Gobble CHOMP Glut!” My children laughed and said, “Just like Gramma Elly!” I said, “Not only was I slurping and drooling, but my cheeks were stuffed with food and my drink was all over the table.” My children said, “Hooray! Gramma Elly food!!” I said, “Not only that but my drink spill moved on the table, my food moved on my plate, and plate kept changing sizes.” My children said, “Yay!! Gramma Elly food that moves!”

    Then I said, “My mother, your Gramma Elly came over to me and said, ‘Where are your manners, Michael! You’re eating like a pig!! Now SLOW DOWN!’” My children said, “Where were your manners?” I said, “There were right there. I was eating in the style that all Pattersons eat, except for your Auntie April who likes to pretend she is better than we are. And you will note I used an exclamation point instead of a question mark, so you would know it was a rhetorical question. Gramma Elly asks a lot of those.” My children said, “Huh?” I said, “Questions you are not supposed to try to answer.” My children said, “Oh! Those!” My daughter said, “So Gramma Elly said you were eating like a pig and you should slow down.” I said, “That’s right. We Pattersons may be gross and disgusting slobs when it comes to eating; but we do not eat quickly like pigs do.” My son said, “Eat slow and slobber.” I said, “That’s right son. Eat slow and slobber. That’s the Patterson way.”

    My daughter said, “So why did you eat fast?” I said, “You will find out with this meal I am making you, the very meal my mother served me that day.” I sat the meal of liver and spinach down before them. They looked hungrily at it, since no part of portion of it looked orange or carroty. As they started eating, they slobbered, they guzzled and they got faster and faster. I said to them, “My explanation to my mother for my speed you should know by now. ‘But it’s liver and spinach, Ma!...If I slow down, I’ll TASTEit!!’” My children began to realize with horror in their eyes the truth of my statement. They wolfed down their meals in rapid succession and immediately ran to the washroom where I heard the harsh sounds of wisdom issuing from their young throats and stomachs.

    I said to them, “I trust there is no problem with carrot coins tomorrow, eh?” My children said, “No, Dad.” Lesson learned.

    Michael Patterson


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