April's Real Blog

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Dad's Massage-Chair Ecstasy

Since my mom's been 4getting me so much l8ly, I've been staying @ Jeremy's house, tho yesterday it got so bad Jeremy's mom had 2 call mine and remind her I xxist just so I wdn't fade away in2 nothingness!

So early this morning, guess who showed up @ their front door looking 4 me? My dad! He was all, "Yr Mom told me U were here, April! Furniture Outlet is having a door buster this morning! We have 2 B there @ opening 2 get the best deals, and I really want 2 try the Massage O-Matic Wonderseat!" I sed, "Dad, Rn't those things way, way xxpensive? And U're semi-retiring. And planning a wedding. And promised not 2 touch my uni fund."

Dad was like, "Trying is free, Buddy!" Then he grabbed me by the arm and yanked me out, leaving me only able 2 wave @ Jeremy and his mom and stepdad as I got dragged 2 the 'vASSe.

We got 2 Furniture outlet B4 it opened, and Dad insisted on our plunking ourselves rite in front of the door in case there was a line. There wasn't. We had 2 w8 an hr and a half. Dad told choo-choo jokes the whole time. My head still hurts. When we finally got let in, Dad made a B-line 2 the Massage O-Matic Wonderseat, and a salesman helped him get the massage thing started. That's when the embarrassing started.

Almost rite away, Dad was making these ecstasy faces and noises. U'd think Mom had brought him a big plate of bacon greaseburgers with a side of Boston creme pies. He was all, "MMMMMMMMMMM" and "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH" and "HOOOOOOOOOOO" and "WHOAAAAAAAA" and "HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH" and "OOOOHOOOOOO" and "OHHHHH" and "SNIFFFFFFFFAAAAAAA."

The salespeople were pting and laffing, and other customers who had come in were kind of cowering away. I heard one salesguy say 2 another, "U'd think this guy hadn't gotten NE since 1990!" And the other sed, "That's John Patterson. His wife is Elly Patterson." And then the 1st guy was, like, "Oh. 'Nuff sed."

So, I went over 2 Dad, all, "DAD! Do U have NE idea how much U R embarrassing me?!!" He was like, "What? Oh, M I still here?" Then the manager came along and made him leave.


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  • At 8:47 AM, OpenID dreadedcandiru2 said…

    If I actually believed he was thinking about devouring greaseburgers, I'd be a lot less disgusted by his antics. I'm thinking that a different appetite was being satisfied.

  • At 9:56 AM, Blogger Susan T-O said…

    Something weird is happening in your neighborhood, April; every person over the age of 30 is starting to look like your grandpa.

  • At 10:51 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I know the Massage O-Matic Wonderseat. They have quite a reputation. There are a few in the Milborough Mall next to the Mall exit sitting in the walkway, where you can use them not for free, but for a small fee. They are very popular. I can imagine Furniture Outlet trying to sell them for home use. In the Milborough Mall, there is usually a line.

    The last time I was in the mall with my wife Beatrice Alfarero and my daughters, we found Beatrice in one of those chairs after I finished clothes-shopping with the girls. Beatrice seemed to be very happy when she got up and she said one of those things husbands don’t like to hear, “Better than sex.” Naturally, I considered this a challenge. After the girls went to bed, I was determined to prove Beatrice was wrong.

    Then the next day Beatrice wanted to go back to the mall to compare and declared it was too close to call. So, I got a sitter for the girls, and took Beatrice to a hotel for several hours. Then she wanted to go back to the mall and compare. She said I was slightly better, which is a good thing because Beatrice’s legs got to wobbly to walk safely.

    I hate those chairs. I will defeat them.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 10:56 AM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    Chica. The Massage O-Matic Wonderseat is muy bueno. Obviously they were made in Mexico. They are like the hands of an experienced Latina. You have chosen Jeremy and not Luis, but if you want to feel what you are missing, you could try the Massage O-Matic Wonderseat. If you like it, you will like Luis. I have a few months before university. Let me know.

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 11:09 AM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    You are the nicest girl in Milborough and I have a problem. I have confession to make. Remember my dreamy friend Justin, who reads to me? He’s mad at me. He found out I was cheating on him. I told him I don’t get lost in the mall anymore. I told him I can always find my way to the Massage O-Matic Wonderseat from the people in them making noises. I even told Justin that I have sat in one. My favourite is the one on the far right. I call him Matt, from Massage O-Mattic.

    Justin is so jealous he doesn’t play for me anymore. The Special Needs teacher said the program doesn’t work with Windows Vista, but I know better. I have broken Justin’s heart. I cheated on him with Matt, the Massage O-Matic Wonderseat. What should I do, April? In my heart I love Justin, but my body really loves Matt. I am so confused.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 11:23 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. This is what happens in married life. You go from being lovers to friends, parents, business partners, roommates, and co-workers. And those changes are never the husband’s idea. In light of your description of our Dad’s behaviour at the furniture outlet, I will not be visiting there any time soon, for no other reason than to protect the reputation of my lovely wife Deanna, whom many people in Milborough consider to be the best-looking woman in town. If I had that strong a reaction to a chair like that in public, then it would depress most of the male population in Milborough.

    Instead I will be spending my evening at a new place in which Gordon Mayes has invested, called the Roadside Chair: Club for the Milborough Married Man. It advertises itself as good food, good music, and really good seating. Gordon says that it is just the thing the married men in Milborough need, and he is already seeing a huge return on his investment. Now that I am a published best-selling author, and Deanna and I are saving a small fortune in childcare expenses using mom, I am thinking of putting a little money in myself. Gordon is taking me to see the place tonight. I will be considering future financial investments this evening, and not sullying my wife’s reputation in a furniture store chair. Sorry dad, but it had to be said.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:29 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i dunno y u wunted me 2 try this chair. it's ok, but ur way bettah. & no, i do not hafta try the chair again 2b sure. sum guys may luv a vibratin' chair, but i will take a real live april patterson ovah that ne day.

    oh, the guy who just walked by & sed, "i can tell ur not married." well, yeah i'm not. but evn if i wuz married 2u, u wud still b better'n sum stinkin' vibratin' chair. 'course the guy sed, "tell me that again, aftah ur married." well, i will. but i know ur planz are not 2 get married till aftah u finish vet skool & thass gonna b a long tyme frum now.

  • At 12:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dc2, yeah, i don't wanna think abt that!

    susan t-o, i've noticed that, 2. another reason 2 leave mboro and not look back when it's uni time, eh?

    howard, moira kinney told me that beatrice called in "v. v. well." i guess i know why!

    luis, thanx 4 yr skeevy offer, but i m v. happy w/jeremy!

    shannon, i heard that sum of the computers in the lr room are still on xp. try justin on one of them. y'know, just in case justin was, like, happier on xp and there4 in a better mood and not grudgey.

    mike, sadly i think that biz will prolly do v. v. well in mboro. sad cuz of what it sez abt mboro married life!

    jeremy, i m not even tempted 2 try that chair, cuz i know u make me way happier than the chair ever cd!


  • At 1:00 PM, OpenID patrickrsghost said…


    This is why I won't use Vista until all the bugs have been worked out of it, and it can handle all of my programs. I recently upgraded to Firefox 3 and it still has a few problems to work out. Something like that isn't as major as upgrading an entire OS. Besides, my computer is so old (6 years!), it would croak if I just showed it the Vista box.

    Do like April said and see if Justin will work on any of the other computers that are still running on XP. He may not like being moved to a new home, but it will probably be as nice as the one you've created.


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