April's Real Blog

Friday, June 13, 2008

THAT dress (not THIS one)

So Liz was holding the dress and contempl8ing it. I'm not sure when it made its way 2 our teeny-tiny train house, but whatevs. As Liz was gazing at the dress, I went over 2 Mom and sed, "I saw the photographs of Gram an' Grampa's wedding. The dress she had on looked nothing like the one Liz has got." Mom grabbed me by both shoulders, pinched really hard, looked me in the eye w/a scary-intense expression, like she might kill me if I don't do as she sez, and she hissed, "April Marian Patterson. That is my mother's dress. It was stored in the crawlspace and miraculously survived the years and inadequate storage. You go in there and tell yr sister that U saw those pictures from yr grandparents wedding and that yr Gram looked beautiful in that dress. And when yr sister puts on that dress, make a comment abt how wierd it is 2 B wearing a dress that was worn so long ago. Throw in a 'like' 2 make it authentic teenspeak." She let go, and I went, "OK. But don't U mean 'weird'?" Mom went "What?" And I sed, "U told me 2 say it's 'wierd.' Don't U mean 'weird?" Mom grumbled sumthing abt how she cd never get that str8 and she just doesn't understand Y 'weird' is exempt from the "I before E" rule. I sed, "That's the English language. The rules have exceptions."

NEway, I went 2 Liz, who was holding the dress still, and I sed, "I saw the photographs of Gram an' Grampa's wedding, Liz. She looked really beautiful in that dress." I kind of subtly leaned on the word "that" so I @ least acknowledged in my own head that I meant that dress as opposed to this dress. Liz stepped in2 the dress, and she looked over her shoulder @ me so I'd know she needed 2 B zipped up in the back. I had 2 struggle a bit 2 pull the sides 2gether and get her zipped, tho Liz wasn't noticing as she sed, "She was almost the xxact same size as I am!" And I sed, "Weird, hum?..." That was a Dad-ism I threw in, since I was using lines I'd been fed NEway. I went on w/"I mean, it's weird 2 B wearing a dress that was worn, like, so long ago."

Liz pulled @ the sides of the skirt part and sed, "The fabric is beautiful." I sed, "Yeah, it's pretty cool--an' U know what? Xxcept 4 the back an' the sleeves an' the neckline, it actually looks GOOD on U!!" Yeah, cuz, w/all those things not xxcepted--it really didn't look good on her!

Howard, I asked Liz, and it looks like Liz is going 2 pass on that one wedding venue. Thanx, tho! Jeremy, yeah, that lady we ran in2 was whacked! Dunc, I cannot believe U downed 17 XL dbl-dbls @ HT's last nite!


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  • At 10:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I hope you didn't have any tomatoes on those double-doubles. I'd be afraid to consume any raw tomatoes, no matter where they came from.

  • At 12:15 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I cannot believe you were trying to mess up the dress for your sister by pointing out the ways she doesn’t look good in it. Elizabeth is used to wearing her Sensible Schoolmarm outfits and she is not accustomed to looking nice. After all, not everyone can look as attractive as my wife did at her wedding. Now she’s had her confidence in the dress shaken, and no one wants her to start dress-shopping at this point in the wedding preparation. The price is definitely right for the dress she has.

    The next time you complain about Elizabeth’s wedding dress, you should remember that there is a dress in the crawlspace just waiting for your wedding with Gerald. If you don’t want Elizabeth to make rude comments to you, then maybe you should be a little nicer to your sister as she rapidly approaches the most important day of her life.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:40 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Beatrice found another wedding cancellation for your sister. How does your sister feel about getting married at the zoo? There were two zoo keepers who were planning to marry until one of them revealed more than a passing interest in New Guinea Singing Dogs, revealed by an autographed copy of New Guinea Singing Dogs sing the Celine Dion Songbook. Apparently the difference in musical tastes caused a split over the choice of wedding music. The original plan for the wedding was going to be in the primate habitat, with the reception at the Simba Safari Lodge catered by PizzaPizza. If your sister is interested, it is open and available.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 3:54 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ok. it’s good 2 know ur mom can get u2 say thingz, cuz that wud xxplain all the winkin’ u just did aftah u had that convo w/ur mom. so, yeah sure, i wud luv 2 get n2 the crawlspace @ur bro’s house 2c if i can find a headpiece & shoes 2 match ur gram’s dress. & i am gonna pack all the gear we need 2 do it…i mean 2 do the headpiece findin’. how big did u say this crawlspace wuz?

  • At 5:35 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey Mr Ghost,

    Mayb ur thinking of dbls altho I dunno ne1 from Trini who wld put tomatoes on them. I had dbl dbls. Tim Hortons r my favs, if u evah come 2 Canada go there 4 sure. Its ok 2 eat Ontario tomatoes, I wld send u sum but I dont have ne $.

    Apes, Im going 4 another dbl dbls record 2day, 15 so far want 19 by midnite. Thanx 4 the Horny Ts gift card, it was my very best bd pressie.

    Yr best bud,
    Duncan Anderson

  • At 7:00 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…


    jeremy, thanx 4 yr help w/the nasty crawlspace. i cdn't believe all that stuff u found in there. and that u found that whole other dimension. glad u found the peeps in there were friendly an' helpful!

    howard, liz sez "ix-nay on the oo-zay." also, "what is howard trying 2 say? i'm sum kinda animal? i'm insulted!" u know how touchy liz is!

    glad u like yr giftie card, dunc. u were pretty buzzy already when jeremy and i saw u @ ht's a coupla hrs ago, and u were only on yr 11th dbl-dbl!


  • At 7:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    Down here in the states Double-Doubles are burgers sold at a popular chain restaurant called In-N-Out Burger. I think they're only located in the western states, and they originated in California. I'll have to look into Tim Horton's. I've heard from some other folks up in Canada that it's good. I thought you were reversing your letters accidentally...forgot you were referring to Horny T's.

    Aren't you concerned about your heart health or blood pressure from all that caffeine?

  • At 11:58 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i guess u wunt me 2 tell the crawlspace story, since u seem 2b happ 2 watch duncan drink himself 2 death w/dbl-dbls. u’ve been in a weird mood evah since we got back, but i kinda unnerstand y. i evn unnerstand y told me 2 sit rite next 2 eva @horny t’s 2 show ur not gonna read between the lines, if i happ 2b sittin’ by a girl.

    ok. so peeps who read this stuff, this is wut happed. april & i went 2 the crawl space in her bro’s house 2c if we cud find nemore old weddin’ stuff frum april’s gram 2 use in her sis’ weddin’. it’s pretty big in the crawlspace & i thot it wuz gonna b a good tyme just kinda hangin’ out w/april, only she wunted 2 work. so we musta moved ‘bout 50 boxes of slides that all sed things like, “mike. day 1. mike. day 2.” u get the idea.

    neway, behind 1 of the boxes wuz like an old wardrobe w/old clothes in it. none of them looked weddin’ like, but wen april & went thru the back of the wardrobe we came out in the land of narnia. just kiddin’.

    wut rilly happed wuz we went ‘round a corner of the crawlspace & there wuz sum1 else in it. i sed, “gerald. wut ru doin’ in here?” & he sed, “thass gerald millicent delaney-forsythe-patterson 2u, u scoundrel. wut ru doin’ in the crawlspace of my house?” i sed, “ur house? this is michael patterson’s house. & i am lookin’ 4 weddin’ stuff 4 april’s sis’ weddin’.” then gerald sed, “elizabeth’s weddin’? but she got married yearz ago.” i sed, “no. it’s this summer.” then april came ‘round the corner 2c wut wuz goin’ on & gerald sed, “oh my. i think i have taken a wrong turn sumwhere in this crawlspace.” then he turned ‘round & of course, april & i followed him.

    we came outa the crawlspace in a room i nevah saw b4. gerald got out & sed, “honey! we have visitors.” then this door opened & we saw a woman who looked like elly patterson, xxcept w/april’s hair colour. gerald sed 2 the woman, “april. look wut followed me home.” the elly patterson person sed, “oh my, gerald. is that me frum a long tyme ago?” gerald said, “no. it’s frum just b4 liz’s wedding in 2008. it’s not frum 1985.”

    april sed, “ur the oldah me?” & the elly patterson person sed, “yes.” then april started cryin’ & sed, “but i wuz gonna get a rhinoplasty if that evah happed.” & the oldah april sed, “wut good iz a rhinoplasty w/a nose that can change size wen it seemz funny?” well, april sobbed a bit aftah that. & then she sed, “i married gerald?” gerald sed, “well, yeah. i am ur childhood sweetheart aftah all.” then april looked @me & sed, “but wut ‘bout jeremy?” gerald sed, “oh. well. um. this iz a hard story 2 tell.” the oldah april sed, “rite. it’s much bettah 2 let u read between the lines.”

    april sed, “jeremy’s dead?” oldah april sed, “no.” april sed, “jeremy’s in prison?” oldah april sed, “no.” april sed, “jeremy married becky?” oldah april sed, “no.” april sed, “jeremy went n2 the musick biz?” oldah april sed, “no.” april sed, “jeremy left town?” oldah april sed, “no. oh all right. i’ll tell u. i guess ur no good @readin’ between the lines.”

    then oldah april got up & walked out the door. april sed, “where is she goin’?” gerald sed, “u can’t have a convo w/o coffee.” i sed, “rite.” oldah april came back w/coffee & 4 cups. april sed, “so wut happed?”

    gerald sed, “well. april & i broke up in grade 11 & we stayed broken up 4 awhile.” oldah april sed, “but we wud still talk just like we always did w/close hugs & lingerin’ glances.” gerald sed, “i married becky mcguire.” oldah april sed, “i went 2 university of guelph & got my vet degree. i lived w/jeremy while i wuz there, but in separate bedrooms, of course. no hanky-panky.” i sed, “rite.” gerald sed, “becky wuz terribly jealous of april. it wuz awful. & wen the tyme came 4 her 2 have a child, she didn’t wanna take care of it. i had no home.” april sed, “wtf? y wud becky wanna take care of child? ru crayzee 2 think she wud?” gerald sed, “well, it is wut a good wife duz.” i sed, “this story soundz a little familiar.”

    oldah april sed, “eventually i caught jeremy in an apartment w/anothah girl, sitting on her chesterfield. naturally, i knew he wuz cheatin’ on me. so i beat him severely w/a frying pan & told him i nevah wunted 2c him again.” april sed, “thass it? 4 sittin’ on a chesterfield?” oldah april sed, “u know wut it means, if u read between the lines.” april sed, “omg.” gerald sed, “then insteada comin’ back 2 mboro, she went & did vet work w/sum first nations peeps.” oldah april sed, “& i found a bf there, who wuz ½ ojibway & ½ muppet. i knew it wudn’t last, cuz of the ojibway part of him.” gerald sed, “u left out the part where jeremy attacked u.” oldah april sed, “oh rite. jeremy grabbed my shirt & i tried 2 get away & gerald rescued me from him w/a severe ear-tweakin’. then gerald told me his marriage wuz all broken & asked me 2 w8 4 him. of course i didn’t. but it’s the thought that counts.” gerald sed, “then we got 2gethah @duncan & eva’s weddin’. it wuz gr8 w/all thoze international travel agents & sport figurez there. ‘course april & i ran off in the reception & didn’t get meet ne of them. but it wuz worth it. evn tho duncan & eva won’t speak 2 us nemore.”

    oldah april sed, “but b4 that gerald supported me durin’ jeremy’s trial, which lasted i think, 3 years.” gerald sed, “32 months, dear.” oldah april sed, “oh rite. it just seemed like 3 years.” i sed, “so i am in jail?” gerald sed, “u shud b. but apparently the courts in toronto have this thing ‘bout followin’ legal procedure. u claimed u grabbed her shirt 2 get her attention, but i knew bettah.” oldah april sed, “i nevah knew u cud fite ‘till then.” gerald sed, “i nevah knew i had nethin’ 2 fite 4 ‘till then.” april sed, “xxcept ur wife & child.” gerald sed, “oh nobody payz attention 2 that kind of stuff. wut’s important iz peeps like me ‘cuz i have been around longah.” april sed, “i do. i pay attention 2 that kinda stuff.” oldah april sed, “well u will learn wut iz important, eventually.”

    april sed, “do i do a single thing that my sister elizabeth did not do b4 me?” oldah april sed, “well, i still play guitar 4 grandpa jim once every 3 months. elizabeth nevah duz that.” april sed, “u mean grandpa jim’s still alive?” oldah april sed, “of course, he’s still alive. meredith is counting on him 2b @her weddin’. thass y gerald wuz in the crawl space….2c if he cud find ne stuff 4 her weddin’ that usedta belong 2 granmma marian.” gerald sed, “i think i found sum old tupperware of hers.”

    i sed, “u mean michael patterson, the great author, duzn’t have enuff money frum sellin’ hiz novelz 2 pay 4 his daughter’s weddin’?” gerald sed, “oh no. evn tho michael has published 52 best-sellers in the last 18 years, he still barely makes enuff money 2 get by. if it weren’t 4 deanna’s pharmacy job, they wud nevah survive.” april sed, “so y don’t they live here nemore?” gerald sed, “they bought a house down the road where the enjos usedta live, since no1 had seen them in years. they tore it down & built a 5-story mansion there. aftah that, april & i got this house & all of mike & deanna’s old furniture. it wuz a gr8 deal. i have evn learned how 2 shave sheets.” oldah april sed, “& sum othah places 2.” april sed, “ew!”

    april sed, “so every1 lives close & we can visit?” oldah april sed, “sure. i’ll call ahead & let them know ur comin’.” i sed, “i don’t think i wanna visit ne of theze places.” but april sed, “there’s sum thingz i needta know.” so we went down 2 anthony caine’s house. april knocked on the door & sed, “elizabeth!” a lady opened the door, i didn’t recognize. she sed, “oh, it’s youngah april. i wuz told u mite stop by.” april sed, “who r u?” she sed, “oh. i am françoise jones.” i sed, “omg. please tell me u didn’t marry me….i mean jeremy jones.” the lady looked @me & sed, “y it’s youngah jeremy 2. well, jeremy. yes we did get married.” i sed, “aren’t u a little young 4 me?” françoise sed, “u wud think so, but i noticed wen i wuz growin’ up, i wuz advancin’ in age & size a lot faster than ne othah kids. so, aftah awhile i wuz close 2 ur age. we were a natural match, both b-ing villainz.” april sed, “villainz? yru a villain?” françoise sed, “cuz i am quebecoise, bien sûr.” april, “omg. that duzn’t make u a villain.” françoise sed, “of course it duz. aftah jeremy’s trial, i snatched him rite up. he’z a gr8 guy. u shudn’t have broken his heart, april.” april sed, “but i didn’t. jeremy’s my bf.” françoise sed, “oh sorry. i 4got ur youngah april. oh well, u will eventually.” april sed, “i will not. where duz my sister live?” françoise sed, “oh, she lives in gordon mayes’ second house. they got a good deal wen gordon mayes’ bought his 3rd house.”

    so we went 2 gordon mayes' house that we know now. while we were goin’ ovah there, april kept sayin’ “this is not the way it’s gonna happ. i am not gonna marry gerald. don’t worry jeremy.” i sed, “ok.” i wuz not in the mood 4 conversation. we got 2 the house & april just grabbed the front door & walked in. right away there wuz a lotta shriekin’.

    i walked in & there wuz a woman who looked like elly patterson, xxcept w/a hair colour like elizabeth patterson. she wuz lyin’ on a chesterfield naked & there wuz a naked guy on top of her. april sed, “elizabeth. thass not anthony.” elizabeth sed, “oh, it’s u, youngah april. i wuz told u mite stop by. well, warren here wuz just in between jobs & we were reminscing ‘bout old tymes.” april sed, “ur cheatin’ on anthony?” elizabeth sed, “well, it’s not like anthony wud care. aftah all, he didn’t care wen he caught warren in my apartment just b4 we got married. anthony only cares ‘bout 1 thing now.” april sed, “work?” elizabeth started laffin’ & sed, “if only. no, april. the only thing anthony caine cares ‘bout iz trainz. model trainz. he’s in the workshop now, puttin’ 2gethah his l8est display.” i sed, “it figgers. he wuz alwayz just like ur dad.”

    april sed, “duz dad still do trainz 2?” elizabeth sed, “oh no. he hadda give up trainz aftah he had his 17th stroke. he lives @the milbo seniors’ living palace rite across the hall frum grandpa jim & iris.” april sed, “dad had 17 strokes?” elizabeth sed, “well, he’z tryin’ 2 catch up w/grandpa jim, but i don’t think he will. stroke & recover. stroke & recover. thass wut their life iz ‘bout now. it’s always the same. u don’t evn hafta visit 2 know it.” april sed, “u still don’t visit?” elizabeth sed, “well, if u read between the lines i do. ‘course if u read between the lines, warren & i r just friendz.” i sed, "w/benefits." warren sed, “r they gonna leave soon? i hafta get 2 anothah job in a remote location.” elizabeth sed, “yes, warren. is that all u wunt 2 know?” april sed, “who visits dad, if u don’t?” elizabeth sed, “ur daughter of course. she takes her guitar & plays for him. now, if u don’t mind, i have 2 get back 2 warren b4 he leaves again.”

    az we were walkin’ back, april sed, “omg. it’s just the same story ovah & ovah again, like we haven’t had an original thought in years.” i sed, “ru visitin’ ne1 else?” april sed, “no. i needta get back 2 my own life. i needta go sumplace where i can think that my life is not mapped out 4 me & it’s always the same. i needta watch duncan drink dbl-dbls till he pukes hiz guts out.” so we came back & thass wut we r doin’.


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