April's Real Blog

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Giving time 2 Gramps

So, after Eva bought that shirt she wanted w/out needing, and I had that creepy thought bubble abt giving Mom "credit," I told Eva I wanted 2 get sumthing from The Stuffed Shirt, which sells menswear and accessories. At reasonable, affordable places. (U guyz know where 2 send that cheque, eh?)

Once we were inside, Eva aked me, "What R U looking in here 4?" And I sed, "I want 2 find sumthing 4 my grandpa." I started looking @ ties, and I told Eva, "I like 2 take him stuff when I visit, but Eva, it's so difficult! He doesn't read very much, he doesn't go NEwhere... He can't hear very well... Abt all that's left is food!" I went eyeless 4 a mo during that last sentence, which made it hard 2 C the tie I was looking @. Eva sed, "So... get him sum chocolate!" And I sed, "He's not supposed 2 have candy.

I put down the tie, and we left the store in absolute silence. Then, once we were back out in the general mall area, Eva continued w/"So, what can U give him?" With my hands stuck in2 my pants pocket, Patterstyle, I sed, "My time." No, w8, I sed, "...My time."

Jeremy, sorry I didn't post @ all last nite while we were bowling w/Eva and Dunc. I was a bit distracted by how cute U R when U bowl!


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  • At 7:55 AM, OpenID patrickrsghost said…

    I would suggest a book on tape or CD, but if he can't hear that well, it would be rather useless.

    If his motor skills (especially hand-related) were a bit more up to par, I'd suggest a crossword puzzle or word search book. Help keep his mind sharp.

    I think time is the most precious gift anyone can give to their loved ones. You can never give too much of it, and yet you never have enough of it to give, or to get from others.

  • At 8:27 AM, OpenID dreadedcandiru2 said…

    It seems odd that since deafness isn't a symptom of aphasia, that you'd accept Iris's statement that his hearing is shot at face value. There's a difference between being able to hear and being able to respond that she, no matter how good her intentions, isn't quite clear on.

  • At 9:16 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    patrickrsghost, thanx 4 the nice thoughts. i went thru the exact same thing, thinking of things gramps cd enjoy if only things were diff w/him.

    dc2, as i understand it, gramps's hearing loss is not rel8ed 2 aphasia, but a separate old-age thing.


  • At 10:15 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Speaking as one who has spent hours reading my latest novel, Blood Cargo to Grandpa Jim, Iris’ protests that he was hard-of-hearing and I was wasting my time did fall on my deaf ears. There’s a simple test, April. You can trust my word or the word of Dr. Iris. If you don’t see any hearing aids in Grandpa Jim’s ears the next time you see him, then someone named Iris wants to be the one-and-only interpreter for Grandpa Jim.

    Or if you’re like me, you can also tell from the look on your Grandpa’s face as you read him a book if he can hear you or not. If he looks peaceful and serene, then he can’t hear. But if he appears agitated like he is doing everything he possibly can to get away from you or makes a motion like he wants to strangle you, then that is the sign of a listener enraptured by the sound of a great novel being read to him.

    Judge for yourself the next time you see our grandfather.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:42 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, u didn’t go n2 the grandpa jim speech w/eva did u? u can tell she tried 2 stop u by mentionin’ chocolate. that usually works. i mean the last tyme u did that w/me, all i hadda say wuz “time, not gifts like ur mom alwayz sayz?” & that snapped u right outa it & u bought those thick socks 4 him.

    altho, i gotta say u usually look rilly cube wen u get all dramatic & that little breeze comes outa nowhere & blows ur hair ‘round a bit & i can almost hear an orchestra swellin’ in the background w/a chorus singin’ “oh canada”. it makes me wanna vote 4u & i get this feelin’ i shud find a pair of safety scissors 2 cut out a picture of u2 send 2 my relatives w/a note that sez, “if april can come 2 visit her grandpa, then so can u.” wen i tell peeps that u make me feel thingz no othah girl haz evah made me feel b4, it iz absolutely true.

    so, we’re gonna visit my grandparents (mom’s ‘rents) 2day aftah skool in honour of senior’s month & so u can meet them. rilly it’s so i can show u off. if u wanna do ur grandpa jim speech in fronta them, they wud luv it.

  • At 10:54 AM, Blogger howard said…


    The Stuffed Shirt. My wife Beatrice tried to get me to go there the last time we were in the mall, and I almost had a fit. No offence to your sponsor, but the colours were so primary and boring. But Beatrice and my girls, Ana and María insisted. “Dress more conservatively, daddy!” So, I ended up getting a dark blue suit. The girls love it, so I have to wear it to work. Frankly, I prefer my lavender and puce suits; but sometimes you have to go along with what your family wants.

    Just as a point of cooking clarification, the diet for people with aphasia is a diet low in sodium and fat. You can get candy for your Grandpa Jim, so long as it meets those requirements and isn’t likely to choke him. Please bear in mind that some restrictions are given to your mother because she seems to be unaware that there are foods which are low in sodium and fat. She continually brings over fatty casseroles and roast beef dinners for your dad, no matter how often Iris asks her not to, and Iris is too polite to throw them out in front of your mom.

    So, if Iris says, “No candy” that is more of a safety precaution for your mom than for you.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i m kind of embarrassed that i spewed one of mom's favourite lines (time instead of gifts). i totally didn't mean 2!

    howard, thanx 4 the tips abt gramps.


  • At 2:29 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur mom haz sum kinda weird thots sumtymes. u’ve lived w/her all ur life, so sum of it’s gotta sink in. but u know, aftah i got hit in that accident all those years ago & u & ur mom came 2 visit me in hospital, i found out ur mom wuz not all bad. so, it duzn’t bothah me if u say sumthin’ ur mom sez.

    ok. there r xxceptions. the tyme wen we were in the shower & u started talkin’ ‘bout water conservation & recyclin’, that did bothah me a little. but most tymes it’s not a prob. i just w8 till u get done.

  • At 2:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, i embarrassed myself w/that speech i started 2 give in the shower. i've been kinda programmed 2 feel guilty if i go beyond a certain amt of time in the shower. mom sez, "if u stay longer than u need 4 getting clean, u r wasting and not green!" and we were taking a long, long shower that time. 'course u did a gd job of distracting me by... well, i won't get in2 the deets, they're private!


  • At 5:41 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur doin’ gr8 w/my grandparents so far. they liked ur joke ‘bout broccoli. fyi. not mr. & mrs. jones. thass my dad’s ‘rents. thass y they look a little strange @u, wen u call them that. these r my mom’s rents, mr. & mrs. smith. al & lois, but don’t call them by 1st names. they’re the kind of old peeps who like 2 be called mr. & mrs.

  • At 5:59 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, “wut's the diff tween broccoli & dirt? kids don’t eat broccoli.” grandma wunted me 2 let peeps know wut ur broccoli joke wuz. sorry

  • At 8:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that's ok, jeremy. it's kind of embarrassing, but it made yr grand'rents so happy, it was worth it!


  • At 8:45 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ok. i think i have all this down now. grandma sed i hadda tell ur readers wut happed in detail 2 make them so happy (not just the broccoli joke) or we wudn’t get 2 watch the stanley cup. this iz rilly personal so u might wanna delete it, but here it goez neway. u can definitely fix wutevah i left out, if u wanna:

    al smith: so ur here 2 honour seniors' month, eh?
    lois smith: every1 @the milborough seniors’ living palace knows april visits her grandparents all the tyme. ru gonna start visitin’ us more often, jeremy?
    me: prolly not.
    lois smith: grandson. u don’t hafta b so honest all the tyme. grandparents like a little lie now & again.
    al smith: the peeps@the milborough seniors’ living palace know april even brings a little somethin’ wen she visits her grandparents.
    al smith: she even brings a little somethin’ wen she visits? wut ru gonna bring the next time.
    u: time.
    lois smith: such a nice girl, bringin’ her grandma sum thyme 4 cookin’. wut iz she doin’ w/u again, jeremy?
    u: um…um.
    al smith: don’t u remembah, lois? that boy she wuz d8in’ 4 four years decided 2 break things off w/her cuz she didn’t wanna have a band nemore & concentr8 on her studies.
    lois smith: bands rilly aren’t the place 4 a nice girl. we told jeremy that wen he wuz d8in’ becky mcguire.
    al smith: i thot all he did wuz her sound & lights & wuz her roadie.
    lois smith: no, al. thass not all he did. he did becky 2. jeremy haz long had the stigma of villain attached 2 him. he iz used az a shorthand story-tellin’ technique. if the girl iz in a band where jeremy is involved, then u know right away that the girl haz taken the wrong path, both in career & moral choices. it wud b like if u were in a band & adolph hitler wuz ur sound & light guy.
    al smith: shorthand story-tellin’ technique. thass a stretch. i just thot it wuz strange a professional singer hired a teenager 2 work 4 her, wen she cud get better-qualified adults 2 do the same job.
    lois smith: thass shorthand 4 a sign that she wuz sleepin’ w/him w/o spellin’ it out. i mean wen jeremy betrayed becky @the gym jam back in october, 2006, by not showin’ up, & her technical difficulties ruined her show, that wuz a sign that her wrong choices had caused that disaster. hire a villain & the villain will betray u. it’s pretty obvious connection w/the moral: u needta stick w/ur friendz, who u can trust.
    al smith: but i thot peeps liked becky mcguire now.
    lois smith: becky’s redemption iz not only cuz she will play 4 charity, but she chooses a guy who is known 2b a nice guy. this time her underaged employee / lover iz gerald delaney-forsythe.
    al smith: so, she’s sleepin’ w/gerald now?
    u: um…um.
    lois smith: obviously. y wud a pro singer like becky employ a teenaged drummer, if not 4 that reasn? obviously, her management wunts 2 keep a teenaged boy in their employ in order 2 keep the star frum cattin’ ‘round & becomin’ anothah slut, like miley cyrus. april, here, haz obviously accepted the idea that her ex-bf iz w/becky. prolly she wuz mad @him @1st, but then she came 2 the understandin’ that az long az she duzn’t acknowledge the intim8 part of their relationship, then she can sum day have gerald back. aftah all thass wut her sis did w/her fiancé, anthony caine.
    u: um…xxcuze me, but…
    al smith: i think the little daughter gave the intim8 part away w/anthony caine & his wife.
    lois smith: well, april is not @that point of maturity. look, al. she duzn’t carry a purse, her ears aren’t pierced, she barely wears ne makeup & her scalp shows signs that her hair is pulled up almost constantly. i’d bet her mom still buys all her clothez 4 her.
    u: um…how can u b so rude? i don’t like 2 carry a purse & i don’t believe in piercin’ & i can’t take my hair down unless it wunts 2 go down & wut do u mean ‘bout my scalp?
    lois smith: rude? april, dear, we’re just st8in’ facts & specul8in’ on them. we call it snarking. it’s a fine art practised by many fine & intelligent peeps. u can tell ur scalp has been pulled tight frum ur hair cuz ur eyes aren’t str8 on ur head.
    u: they r2 str8. tell them, jeremy.
    me: sorry, april. u know how am i ‘bout tellin’ the truth. they’re a little crooked, but don’t worry. i am not rilly an “eye” man.
    u: lemme c a mirror. oh they r crooked. sumtymez i h8 my body.
    al smith: wut iz she doin’ here w/jeremy then?
    lois smith: bad boy phase most likely, in revenge 4 her bf breakin’ thingz off b4 they gradu8ed. plus prolly no1 mportant knows ‘bout it. ne big events like a new years’ eve party, she’ll b w/gerald.
    u: thass not true. the new years’ d8 wuz set up b4 jeremy & started d8in’. & i am not goin’ thru a bad boy phase. jeremy’s nice 2 me. he tellz me i’m pretty & gerald nevah did that. he’ll make dinner 4 me, & help me baby-sittin’ & stuff most mboro guys don’t do w/their gfs. we’re evn plannin’ 2 go 2 the same university. if jeremy’s a bad boy, then i don’t want good.
    al smith: well, jeremy. u have a gf who iz actually sayin’ nice thingz ‘bout u. that is quite surprisin’ & i must say a nice change, compared 2 ur prior gfs.
    lois smith: how’s that dinner comin’, jeremy?
    me: almost done.
    al smith: so, april. how’s ur grandpa doin’? we’ve heard rumours that he is going 2 go to the sunset manor, cuz he’z losin’ his hearin’.
    u: i dunno. my mom sed iris sed she had put their names in @sunset manor 2 years ago.
    lois smith: wut? 2 years?
    al smith: no offence, april, but thass not how the system works in ontario. mebbe she is thinkin’ of some place in the st8s. thass the kind of whacko thing they do there.
    u: i am pretty sure it’s sunset manor in mboro.
    lois smith: mboro?! well, that xxplainz it. the rules in mboro r like they were made up by sum 60-year-old cartoonist who lives in her own little fantasy world & only comes out wen sum1 says the word, sparky.
    al smith: if ur smart, u’ll move outa mboro b4 u get 2 the same stage az ur grandpa. imagine needin’ full tyme care & havin’ 2 get on a w8in’ list 4 ovah 2 years. thass just crayzee. i’m glad we don’t live in mboro.
    lois smith: @least ur grandma knows how 2 work the system. thass smart.
    al smith: ok. a big steamin’ pl8 of brocolli. thass my kind of dinner. know ne more brocolli jokes, april?
    u:a man @the dinner table dipped his hands in the broccoli & then ran them through his hair. the guy next 2 him wuz gobsmacked. the man apologized: "i'm so sorry. i thought it wuz spinach."
    me: ha ha ha ha!
    al smith: ah, a nonsense joke. u don’t hear thoze 2 often.
    lois smith: mainly cuz they’re not funny. yru laffin’, jeremy?
    me: it wuzn’t a pun. april iz tryin’ 2 tell jokes that aren’t puns. plus it wuz funny.
    lois smith: ru tellin’ me i’m wrong, grandson?
    me: yes.
    lois smith: good. i appreci8 an honest grandson. duz april know ur in luv w/her?
    me: it’s a little early in our relationship 2 talk luv.
    lois smith: nonsense. who have u been talkin’ 2? april duzn’t look like she iz gonna run, if u tell her ur feelin’. she likes the “bad boy.”
    al smith: right, jeremy. u don’t want 2b 1 of thoze couples who thinks they don’t needta talk luv, just cuz they think it, eh? spell it out 4 her. here. uze some of these broccoli stalks.
    me: this rilly izn’t the right place.
    al smith: well, it wud b ez-er 2 spell out w/summer squash.
    u: i think it’s a gr8 place. it’s a perfect place, don’t u think, jeremy?
    me: all right. i’ve luvved u evah since u came 2 visit me in hospital. i knew if ne girl cud 4give me 4 tryin’ 2 attack her, then there wuz no bettah girl in the world.
    u: {gasp! & then sum cryin’ & then u grabbed me & hugged me rilly tight 4 a long tyme.}
    al smith: well that just warms my heart. i am quite happy now.
    lois smith: me too. well, enuff of this mushy stuff & i am not just talkin’ ‘bout the broccoli. it’s tyme 4 hockey.

  • At 11:24 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, that wuz a gr8 game. i'm glad i got 2 watch it w/u. congrats, red wings fanz.


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