April's Real Blog

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Mike was a horrid little kid

Well, it's Sunday, and U know what that means. Totally random topic change. This time we have more from Mike's sordid past, w/this message Mike posted l8 last nite:

Formerly little sis. After spending time with my mother and her dogs, my children were pestering me about getting birds for a new pet, since they have grown tired of their rabbit and the rabbit has learned how to hide where my kids can't find it. However, I had to refuse them. When they asked why, I said to them, "After I tell you this story, you will completely understand why." My children groaned and moaned about it, but eventually they relented by listening to my story. This is what it was:

Years ago, I and my friend Lawrence Poirier used to spend hours together outside, playing in the grass with no shoes on. On one of these days, I decided to make a bird trap. Lawrence was confused by this and I said, "Whatsa matter? You never seen a bird trap, before?”

I explained, “To make a good bird trap, Lawrence…ya start with a lasso and then ya disguise it with dirt…” and as I was saying this, I took the lasso I had made and started uprooting dirt from the ground to cover the lasso. This way, instead of looking like a lasso on the ground, it looked like an intoxicated mole had been in the area. This was a common problem in Milborough and so the birds would find it completely normal.

Then I said, “For bait, you get a bunch of ol’ bread crumbs an’ a couple a defunct worms…” I pointed to the bait I had gotten from mom’s kitchen when she made bread that time, and a couple of worms ate it and almost immediately died. As I was showing this part of the presentation, Lawrence’s eyes got very big. I think it had something to do with the fact that my mom had given his mom some of that bread.

I got on the other side of that lasso, holding it in my hand, and hiding behind a tree. I said, “—Now we just wait.” Lawrence on the other side of the tree, also hiding out, and he said, “Do we have to wait long?” Already his patience has been waning and we just started.

We waited and waited and waited and waited, until the sun started to go down and put shadows on the other side of the tree where we were waiting. Lawrence said, “We’ve been waitin’—an’ waiting an’ waiting, Michael…when are we gonna catch something?” My initial thought was to let Lawrence know it had been 4 waits and not the 3 he mentioned. Clearly he missed a wait. However, I decided not to respond.

It grew dark and still I waited. Lawrence started to fall asleep. Then his mother got him and said, “Lawrence Poirier. Where have you been?” Then Lawrence told his mom about the bird trap. She said, “Why would you ever want to trap a wild bird in a bird trap?” Lawrence didn’t have a good answer for that one. His mom took him home, leaving me alone with the bird trap.

It grew even darker, and finally I cried out to the birds, DUMB BIRDS!” to express my angst over the whole situation. And that, I said to my children, is why we will not be getting any birds for pets.

After hearing my plaintive story of my past with birds, my kids said, “Where’s mommy?” And they went off to talk to her about something.

These kids today don’t have the stamina that Lawrence and I did.

Michael Patterson
Aw, Mike. What a mean, brutal kid U were. What xxactly were U planning 2 do w/the poor bird once U caught it, NEway?

The only thing I agree with is that yr kids shd not get a bird, or NE other pet 4 that matter. But not cuz of NEthing in yr sad, sick story. If they R "tired of" Buttsy, then getting another pet is the last thing they shd B allowed 2 do. Animals are not playthings 2 B put away when U're bored w/them. They R living beings that need love, attention, and affection. And of course food, water, and a clean, safe, environment.


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  • At 9:23 AM, Anonymous Lawrence Poirier said…

    Wow, April, I'd forgotten all about that horrible incident. We sat under that stupid tree for hours. It was early May, 1980, and though it had started as a mild day, as soon as the sun went down, it got downright cold. I wanted to go in, but Mike kept telling me to wait "just a while longer." I can't tell you how grateful I was when my mother came out and got me.

    Lawrence Poirier

  • At 9:27 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Now that I think about it, Lawrence was a little wimpy back in 1980. Cheese and rice, what's too cold when you are a kid trying to trap a bird?

    Also, spare me the lectures about animal care. We all remember about you and Mr. B. My kids give their bunny lots of love, attention, and affection; and that is exactly the problem. The poor bunny is not used to getting that attention from its prior owner, and hides from them where they can't get to it. If it is a real concern, then you can feel free to come over to our house and demonstrate proper animal care to my kids. Deanna and I have to run some errands for a few hours today and that would be a perfect time.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    y the eff wd i help u when u just finished insulting me, mike? it's really low of u 2 bring up what happened w/mr. b when i was 11 yrs old and u know it. i was left w/way 2 much responsibility way 2 young. what's even worse is that liz decided mr. b wd b "my" bunny when i was only, like, 5 or 6 yrs old, b-cuz she didn't want the responsibility. just the fun. and even tho no 1 was willing 2 help me, i managed 2 keep him alive until i was 11.

    i'm going 2 go 2 toronto now. if u need help w/yr kids, u'll have 2 buy sum more flowers for mom.


  • At 3:37 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I didn't think it was a real concern. Have fun in Toronto.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:54 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur bro’s story iz a lot like a convo i just had w/eva abuya. eva wuz tellin’ me she wuz makin’ a boyfriend trap. i asked her wut that wuz. she sed, “whatsa matter? you nevah seen a boyfriend trap, before?” i said i had not, mainly cuz i wud nevah have a need 4 one. eva explained, “to make a good boyfriend trap, jeremy …ya start with a lasso and then ya disguise it with dirt…” cowgirl eva wuz twirlin’ ‘round her lasso & then she put it on the ground & covered it w/dirt.
    then she said, “for bait, you get a double double frum tim horton’s” she pointed 2 it in the middle of the lasso circle on the ground. she got on the other side of that lasso & hid behind a tree & she sed, “come ovah here, jeremy. —now we just wait. this seemed pretty st00pid 2 me, so i sed, “do we have to wait long?” eva just shushed me.

    sure enuff, along comes duncan anderson, who sees the double double, looks around 2c if no1’s looking, steps n2 the lasso on the ground 2 get the double double & that was it 4 him. the last i saw him, eva wuz carryin’ him away ovah her shoulder, while he wuz havin’ that double double.

  • At 5:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    poor dunc, he can't reason when there's a free dbl-dbl available.


  • At 8:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Don't beat yourself up over Mr. B. and don't let anyone else, including your brother, talk you down about it. IIRC, he was getting on in years. I imagine he was given away for free at the fair where Liz got him because he was beginning to get too old for breeding. Often times breeders will retire their oldest stock and either sell them for a cheaper price than normal, give them away for free, or worse, depending on the situation.

    I don't recall you ignoring Buttsy either. You fed her, bathed her, Took her outside to get some fresh air (and laugh at the dogs as they had to be bathed).


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