Mike was a horrid little kid

Well, it's Sunday, and U know what that means. Totally random topic change. This time we have more from Mike's sordid past, w/this message Mike posted l8 last nite:

April,

Formerly little sis. After spending time with my mother and her dogs, my children were pestering me about getting birds for a new pet, since they have grown tired of their rabbit and the rabbit has learned how to hide where my kids can't find it. However, I had to refuse them. When they asked why, I said to them, "After I tell you this story, you will completely understand why." My children groaned and moaned about it, but eventually they relented by listening to my story. This is what it was:

Years ago, I and my friend Lawrence Poirier used to spend hours together outside, playing in the grass with no shoes on. On one of these days, I decided to make a bird trap. Lawrence was confused by this and I said, "Whatsa matter? You never seen a bird trap, before?”

I explained, “To make a good bird trap, Lawrence…ya start with a lasso and then ya disguise it with dirt…” and as I was saying this, I took the lasso I had made and started uprooting dirt from the ground to cover the lasso. This way, instead of looking like a lasso on the ground, it looked like an intoxicated mole had been in the area. This was a common problem in Milborough and so the birds would find it completely normal.

Then I said, “For bait, you get a bunch of ol’ bread crumbs an’ a couple a defunct worms…” I pointed to the bait I had gotten from mom’s kitchen when she made bread that time, and a couple of worms ate it and almost immediately died. As I was showing this part of the presentation, Lawrence’s eyes got very big. I think it had something to do with the fact that my mom had given his mom some of that bread.

I got on the other side of that lasso, holding it in my hand, and hiding behind a tree. I said, “—Now we just wait.” Lawrence on the other side of the tree, also hiding out, and he said, “Do we have to wait long?” Already his patience has been waning and we just started.

We waited and waited and waited and waited, until the sun started to go down and put shadows on the other side of the tree where we were waiting. Lawrence said, “We’ve been waitin’—an’ waiting an’ waiting, Michael…when are we gonna catch something?” My initial thought was to let Lawrence know it had been 4 waits and not the 3 he mentioned. Clearly he missed a wait. However, I decided not to respond.

It grew dark and still I waited. Lawrence started to fall asleep. Then his mother got him and said, “Lawrence Poirier. Where have you been?” Then Lawrence told his mom about the bird trap. She said, “Why would you ever want to trap a wild bird in a bird trap?” Lawrence didn’t have a good answer for that one. His mom took him home, leaving me alone with the bird trap.

It grew even darker, and finally I cried out to the birds, DUMB BIRDS!” to express my angst over the whole situation. And that, I said to my children, is why we will not be getting any birds for pets.

After hearing my plaintive story of my past with birds, my kids said, “Where’s mommy?” And they went off to talk to her about something.

These kids today don’t have the stamina that Lawrence and I did.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Aw, Mike. What a mean, brutal kid U were. What xxactly were U planning 2 do w/the poor bird once U caught it, NEway?

The only thing I agree with is that yr kids shd not get a bird, or NE other pet 4 that matter. But not cuz of NEthing in yr sad, sick story. If they R "tired of" Buttsy, then getting another pet is the last thing they shd B allowed 2 do. Animals are not playthings 2 B put away when U're bored w/them. They R living beings that need love, attention, and affection. And of course food, water, and a clean, safe, environment.

Apes