That's just sad
I think Warren needs therapy. Let's C if U agree. Here's what Liz sez in her l8est e-mail:
Apes
April,Ugh, poor, obsessed Warren. Why is he so fixated on Liz? I hope if he marries Marjee Mahaha, and then suddenly hears from the "bush telegraph" that Liz and Anthony have split, he doesn't suddenly dump poor Marjee. Dang, flyboy, get U 2 a therapist quick. And stop trying 2 pun!
For your Friday entry, I'm already up to the part where Warren leaves my apartment! Can you believe how quick and snappy I am this week?
As Warren was putting his coffee cup on the counter in my kitchen, I cuddled up to his left arm affectionately and said, "You can't give up flying, Warren. And I can't change who I am." Then we silently went to the staircase that leads to my apartment entrance, climbed up the stairs, and went outside.
Warren said, "It sure was nice knowing you." And I answered, "Yeah... it was nice knowing you, too." Even though I was confused. Because I still knew him. Was I about to not know him anymore?
As I was thinking about that, Warren held my chin with one hand and said, "And if this guy you're going to marry turns out to be the wrong one.... Let me know, OK?" Then he put his hands in his pockets, started to walk way, and looking over his shoulder, added, "'Cause I'll always be in the wings." I think I was mildly gobsmacked.
Liz
Apes
Labels: Liz, stupid puns, Warren
posted by April Patterson @ 6:23 AM
12 Comments:
At 8:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
Maybe you should get the water tested to see if there's any chemicals or poisons or toxins that affect people's brains, and makes them say stoopid puns. I think would want to hear about it.
At 8:03 AM,
Anonymous said…
Oops. That should be Jan Schlichtmann would want to hear about it.
At 1:20 PM,
April Patterson said…
i don't think that guy can practice in canada, tho i heard there mite b sum utoronto researchers checking in2 the mboro water.
apes
At 1:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
Better U of Toronto than Nipissing U. I heard they actually have classes that students can take in order to obtain Bachelor's or Master's degrees in Badpunology.
At 3:01 PM,
howard said…
April,
Well your blog entry from your sister today explained what happened at my house this morning. There was a banging on my door and I went over to open it and in came Marjee Mahaha followed closely by Warren Blackwood. Marjee looked angry. She said, “Always be in the wings! Always be in the wings! You’ll always be in the wings for Elizabeth Patterson!” Then Warren said, “But before that I said, ‘It was sure nice knowing you.’” Marjee said, “And what does that mean?” I said, “Hello, Marjee and Warren. Want some breakfast? I have some leftovers.”
Marjee said to me, “Howard. This slimebucket, sleezeball guy said he was done with Elizabeth Patterson and now I hear that he told her he is going to be always in the wings for her.” I said, “Are you and Elizabeth doing a theatre show together?” Marjee said, “Don’t be obtuse, Howard. He has made a pun. A pun, because Elizabeth loves puns, doesn’t she? A pun about helicopters. Only helicopters have blades, so it’s a bad pun, too.” Warren said, “Technically they are rotary wings.” Marjee said, “That’s not the point.”
I said, “Warren. Seriously, are you saying you have no problem taking Anthony Caine’s sloppy seconds! Ew!” Warren said, “Don’t you start, Howard Bunt. It’s not like you haven’t stalked Elizabeth Patterson before.”
I had to admit he had a point there. I said, “Warren. You don’t want to be pining away for Elizabeth forever, and having a steady girlfriend is a good way to keep from doing that.” Warren said, “How do you mean?” I said, “You see that frying pan over there?” Warren said, “The one with all the dents in it?” I said, “That’s the one. When I start speaking complimentarily of Elizabeth Patterson, then my wife Beatrice takes the frying pan and pops me on the head with it, until my desire for Elizabeth goes away.” Warren said, “Don’t you worry about brain damage?” I said, “Brain damage or Caine’s leftovers? Which would you prefer?”
Warren considered it and then said, “OK. Marjee, let’s give the frying pan a try.” I gave Marjee a few instructions on how to avoid cracking someone’s brain casing with a frying pan and within a few good whacks, Warren seemed to be back to his normal self, although he did speak with a slight lisp. Problem solved. Now I just need to buy a new frying pan. Until Elizabeth finally gets married, every woman probably needs to carry a frying pan to protect her man.
Love,
Howard Bunt
At 3:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Sometimes our sister Elizabeth’s behaviour can be a little confusing. What she is practising is the time-honoured Patterson tradition of giving a little affection to encourage people to think there is the possibility of romance when there really is not. You know that she will never leave Anthony Caine for Warren Blackwood, but the time may come when she needs access to a helicopter, and she will have one, just by reminding Warren Blackwood there is a possibility of romance.
You may have noticed this same behaviour in yourself as you continue to encourage Jeremy Jones, even though you and most everyone in Milborough know that you will ultimately end up married to Gerald Delaney-Forsythe. You never can tell when it might be handy to have a friend who can get cheap or free tickets to concert events. All you will have to do is remind Jeremy that there is a possibility of romance and you can score tickets at will for the rest of your life. Now, that may not be as impressive as a helicopter ride, but it’s clear you have the same idea as Elizabeth does with Warren. Good job.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 3:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, wen i sed i might b fun 2 spend saturday goin’ 2 wonderland & ridin’ the behemoth, i meant the roller coaster @the amusement park north of TO, not the way u were thinkin’ ‘bout. i know u’ve been wonderin’ if wen ur sis & warren sed, "it sure was nice knowing you." u were kinda wonderin’ if that meant sumthin’ else, since they weren’t xxactly sayin’ they wud nevah c each othah again; but rilly i wuz just talkin’ ‘bout the amusement park. if i wuz talkin’ ‘bout sumthin’ else, i wudn’t have sed it in fronta eva & duncan, eh? altho wen eva started talkin’ ‘bout how duncan had a real behemoth & i shudn’t say i hadda behemoth, i cud cyu mite get thingz mixed up. just the roller coaster, rilly. i hope ur not still mad. will u 4give me?
At 4:23 PM,
April Patterson said…
gah, mike, why don't u listen 2 me?!?!?!?!?
I AM NEVER, EVER, EVER GOING TO MARRY GERALD MILLICENT DELANEY-FORSYTHE!!!
how come u IGNORE me every time i tell u that?
NEVER.
dummy.
apes
At 4:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
Howard, do you think thith lithp will go away, or will I always thound like Deanna Patterthon?
Warren Blackwood
At 7:24 PM,
howard said…
Warren,
People do not usually lisp when they type; but I understand that you are trying to duplicate your actual vocal responses. I have noticed that the closer Elizabeth Patterson gets to marriage, the weaker her Patterson allure gets. For example, I felt a disturbance in the force of her allure when she got engaged and put on her ring. It was either that, or I ate some bad tuna. I am not sure.
You may have noticed that after flashing her ring at you, she had to look deep into your eyes and fondle you a little bit in order to get her allure working on you again. I suspect that once she gets married to Anthony, her allure will be almost all gone and there will very little fear of the public humiliation which comes from wanting to be with Elizabeth Patterson. I have it from a reliable source that once Elizabeth’s body starts swelling in size after marriage, then the allure will be completely gone.
I can’t wait for turnip-nosed Elizabeth.
Love,
Howard Bunt
At 8:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
Howard, now that you mention it, I did feel her allure weaken when I saw that ring. You are right about her needing the deep eye contact and the touching. Thanks, man, you've given me hope.
Warren Blackwood
At 8:49 PM,
howard said…
Warren,
A good rule of thumb is if Elizabeth Patterson tries to hug or fondle you, then you should run away. I know if I see her around Milborough and my wife is not around to protect me, that's what I do. Running can be humiliating, but not nearly as humiliating as telling her you have quit your job and the only thing left in your life that you love is her.
Howard Bunt
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