April's Real Blog

Friday, May 09, 2008

Geneva Convention Considers This Torture

Dad's planning to spring another story on Dr. Ted 2day, 2 tell him abt something that happened in 1979 or 1980. This time it's abt a time that he was working on a patient and singing sum John Denver, like this: "Country rooooads take me hooome 2 the plaaaace I belooongg." Then he made sum adjustments 2 the nitrous-oxide machine, causing the machinery 2 say, "Adjust, adjust." Dad sez one of the nice things abt advancements in dental technology is not having equipment that sez "adjust, adjust" when U adjust it. NEway, after the adjustment, he continued w/"West Virginiaaaaah, mountayne ma-ma, take me hoooome." Then he told Jean, "I figure they're well sedated if they can stand my singing." Dad sez Jean smirked @ him when he told her that.

Poor patient, prolly 2 sedated 2 voice an objection, esp. w/Dad hands in the ol' mouth. And "mountayne"? I pted out that John Denver did NOT pronounce it that way. Dad insists he improved upon it. Made it more "proper." Whatevs. Hey, if NE of U happen 2 C Dr. Ted McCaulay, esp around lunch time, and U don't h8 him, U mite wanna find an excuse 2 occupy him (get him away from Dad's reminisce-o-stories). He mite even pay U $$$.


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  • At 9:53 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I think some people have seen Dad singing old John Denver songs to Jean Baker and making jokes with Jean about how his singing is really a medical technique as an excuse to sing to her, and drawn the wrong conclusion. Please tell your more intelligent readers that, despite the fact that these actions are more artistic than he has been with mom in years, does not mean that he and Jean Baker are having an affair. Anthony Caine has told me there is more to having an affair with a married man than giving a smiling approval to his sharing his artistic talents with you (like Anthony showing off his carpentry skills to Liz, for example). That’s the sort of thing that people who are just close friends, but may some day get married, do. I am sure you and your more intelligent readers can make the distinction.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:03 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i remember that john denver singin' way of checkin' hiz laffin' gas levels ur dad used back wen i usedta have him 4 a dentist, b4 he hired dr. callahan. i hadda have sum dental surgery aftah my accident & i remembah jean baker sayin' 2 him, "dr. p. i don't think u needta have thoze nitrous dials adjusted 2 the maximum level. jeremy jones haz a musical background & wud prolly evn cry out in his sleep wen he heard ur singin'." i think she saved me frum a nitrous oxide ovahdose or sumthin'.

  • At 10:10 AM, Blogger howard said…


    This story of your father's suddenly made something I used to wonder about come clear. Back when I worked at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace, where your Grandpa Jim and Iris live, I used to wonder why the seniors who were hard of hearing dreaded their visits with Dr. Patterson. Now I know. Mystery solved.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 10:49 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    michael, i think u shd stop having discussions w/anthony on what does or does not qualify as having an affair w/a married man. his equivocation is making u less intelligent, as my ingenious readers will surely notice.


  • At 11:03 AM, Anonymous Pat said…

    Hello, April Patterson! How funny to see one of my dental experiences from 28 or 29 years ago discussed on a blog! You might not know this, but I am a circus clown. Jean Baker, who comes from a circus family, referred me to your father all those years ago, when I had a dental emergency the day I was to perform at the Big Top Circus in downtown Scarborough (as Milborough was called back then).

    What your father did not know was that I had (and still have) a very strange reaction to John Denver songs. They intensify my sense of smell. When your father reached over to the nitrous machine to adjust it, I was suddenly keenly aware of the, er, "aroma" being emitted from under his arms. I don't mean to be critical, but I nearly gagged. And as a fire-breathing, sword-swallowing clown, I have a pretty weak gag reflex.

    In any event, thanks for bringing back some "interesting" memories. By the by, I am now retired and living in Oro, Arizona, in the states.

    Pat the Clown

  • At 1:34 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I was over at Lilliput’s dropping off lunch for my wife Beatrice Alfarero today when I happened to run into your dad. This is the whacko conversation I had with him, as best I remember it:

    John Patterson: Howard. Well, it’s been a long time!
    Me: Yes. Yes, it has.
    John Patterson: Are you here at Lilliput’s looking for a bargayne?
    Me: Do you mean “bargain”? No. I am dropping off lunch for Beatrice.
    John Patterson: You should let me show you the best bargaynes. It’s one of the days where I don’t work. When it comes to Lilliput’s, I am a regular fountayne of knowledge.
    Me: “Fountain” I think.
    John Patterson: Right behind this curtayne, I am certayne we can find some great books on Great Britayne. That’s the bargayne item this week.
    Me: Your pronunciation of words is a little different today.
    John Patterson: A little story I told Dr. Ted McCaulay today reminded me how I used to love to speak in my John Denver accent. How do you like it?
    Me: It doesn’t very John Denver to me.
    John Patterson: It’s takes awhile for it to all come back. Let me try this poem on you. It’s perfect for John Denver.

    If you have a ship, I will be your captayne.
    If you have a chamber, I will be your chamberlayne.
    If you have a tribe, I will be your chieftayne.
    If you have religion, I will be your chaplayne.
    If you are evil, I can be your villayne.
    Because I love your skin that’s so porcelayne.

    Me: It still doesn’t sound very John Denver to me.
    John Patterson: Perhaps I should say the poem agayne.
    Me: No. That won’t be necessary.
    John Patterson: Are you certayne?
    Me: Yes. Where did you get the idea that this is a John Denver accent?
    John Patterson: Well, Howard. As everyone knows, John Denver was really named Henry John Deutschendorf, Jr. and he was born in Roswell, New Mexico.
    Me: And…
    John Patterson: Hello! Roswell, New Mexico. Space aliens. It’s obviously the name a space alien would choose, isn’t it? And everyone knows that space aliens say words like “mountain” as if they were “mountayne”.
    Me: That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
    John Patterson: Is it as ridiculous as using someone’s reaction to my singing John Denver music as a means to determine the level of nitrous oxide which should be used on a dental patient dressed like a clown?
    Me: OK. Second most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

    That was the conversation as I remember it. Maybe next week, I will have some more realistic conversations to recount.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 2:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, thanx 4 sharing that story abt dad. it's the kind of warning i need, cuz whenev dad starts 2 exhibit that kind of behaviour it shows he is going thru one of his v. "strange" periods. usually these phases culminate in him doing sumthing v. showy, public, and embarrassing b4 retreating back in2 his train hobby 4 several months b4 the whole cycle begins again. so thanx 4 the heads-up.

    mike, this soundz like it cd b a "code trainwreck."


  • At 4:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    I'm surprised the RIAA hasn't gone after your dad back then for singing the song in public without obtaining permission to do so. Of course, they weren't as uptight about such public displays of copyrighted music as they are now with the lawsuits against people who download songs or whole albums for free. They may end up going after the Witch of Corbeil now since she published the lyrics, more than likely without permission.

    In the UK, you can't play your radio too loud, or other people will hear it

  • At 6:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yikes, patrickrsghost, that's sum wacky story from the uk!

    if i were john denver's publishing company, i think i'd also b worried abt how badly my dad mangled that song!!!


  • At 6:56 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, just checkin' in 2 make sure we're still on 2 watch the playoffs 2nite. i don't like it there r no canadian teamz left, but it can b fun 2 watch peeps frum pennsylvania get n2 fites. they fite rilly dirty.

    duncan & eva r plannin' 2b there, i think, unless they change their mindz again. i haven't heard frum duncan how hiz gig w/billy & the boingers went, aftah i went 2 the trubble 2 set it up. i think he's in 1 of thoze "ur not gonna hear frum me 4 awhile cuz it's the end of the skool year & i'm 2 bizzy 2 blog" moods.

    neway, if u cud ask eva not 2 talk 'bout the gerald / becky thing, that wud b gr8. i am rilly tired of hearin' 'bout it @skool. i know eva likes 2 gossip w/u 'bout gerald, but there's a tyme 4 gossip & there's a tyme 4 hockey. 'sides eva prolly won't punch u out, if ask her. just hockey & snugglin' w/my gf 2nite. that wud b perfect.

  • At 7:30 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i m @ jeremy's house w/eva and duncan. eva sez she won't punch me or talk abt ger.


  • At 9:04 PM, Anonymous Ted McCaulay said…

    April, please make it stop!

    Ted McCaulay, MD


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