April's Real Blog

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Yeah, still flashing back

While Dad was in the mood for reminiscing (gratuitously) abt his patients and patience, he decided 2 remember abt a time a lil kid named Harold came in w/his mother. According 2 Dad, the mom was all, "I want U 2 B gd 4 the dentist, Harold..." And Harold was like, "No, Ma! I don't wanna go in there!" Then the mother told my dad, "I don't know Y he's acting like this, Doctor Patterson..." This while the kid clung on2 his mom's leg while going, "I'm scared, Ma!" Dad sez he leaned down 2 look in2 Harold's eyes and sed, "Then let's just get 2 know ea other. Wd U like 2 try sum of my tools?... --And I'll show U how the chair works..." Dad sez he had just gotten little Howard calmed down and comfy in the dental chair when the mother had 2 ruin everything by poking her head in2 the room and going, "And, Harold... Try not 2 yell when it hurts..."

Mom laffed and sed, "I can imagine doing the same thing as that mom!" Dad glared @ her and sed, "I don't have 2 'imagine.' U DID do the same thing. That's Y Mike and Liz R still afraid of dentists. Luckily by the time it was April's turn 2 start going in 4 dental check-ups, I insisted that I take over the 'prepartion' part." Mom smirked and asked Y it is, then, that I always go 2 Everett Callahan (Dad's former associate and now owner of Dad's practice). Dad rolled his eyes and sed, "April thinks he's a 'morsel.'" Mom sed, "Ooh, 'morsel.' That reminds me, I have jumbo blueberry muffins in the fridge!" Then things devolved as U mite xxpect.


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  • At 11:55 AM, Anonymous Everett Callahan said…

    Hello, April's readers! I am both flattered and embarrassed whenever the teenage girls and young women refer to me as a "morsel." But I also wanted to clear something up. From some of the comments that April has made when she has had her twice-yearly dental visits, I have the impression that a major reason for April coming to me for her dental care is the absence of puns. As I understand it, my colleague and former boss Dr. Patterson cannot bring himself to get through one examination without making at least two puns. And even people who like puns tend to agree that Dr. P's puns are terrible. Poor April generally hates puns, so she finds her fathers punning more painful than a root canal without anesthesia.

    Dr. Everett Callahan

  • At 11:58 AM, Anonymous Warren Blackwood said…

    April, I heard that you mother has commissioned an extended biography of me for her web site. I want to let everyone know that no one interviewed me for this bio and put out the disclaimer that it will be completely unauthorized. My attorneys have admonished me that I should not bother pursuing legal remedies, as "no one wins against Pattersons."

    I fear that this bio is likely to be an exercise in character assassination!

    Warren Blackwood

  • At 12:43 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, my reasons 4 usin' dr. everett az a dentist nsteada ur dad have nothin' 2 do w/that morsel thing. i know the last tyme i had ur dad, cuz dr. everett wuz out 4 sum reason, it wuz all w/this "so ur d8in' my daughter. i suppose u know she'z suppozed 2 marry gerald delaney-forsythe & ur wastin' ur tyme. u do know ur wastin' ur tyme don't u, cuz if u don't, i might needta let u know how much ur wastin' ur tyme?" 'course he wuz askin' this while i hadda mouth full of instruments, so i cud do wuz mumble sumthin'. lucky 4 me he thought i sed, "yes, i know i am wastin' my tyme, but april haz 2 d8 sum1 not worthy of her, so gerald will realize his musical career aspirations r folly & he wud b better off workin' 4 gordon mayes, living in mboro, & makin' grandchildren w/april." i dunno how he got that outa me mumblin', but @least i made it thru the dental exam. neway, it wuz not the kinda discussion u wanna have w/a dad when he has sharp thingz in ur mouth. so, i go 2 dr. everett nstead. in sept, it will b ez 2 avoid ur dad, if i just don't have ne appointments on fridays.

  • At 1:03 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Just because no one has seen Liz or me or Deanna or any of my kids in Dad's dentist chair, doesn't mean that we are afraid of dentists, or Dad's dental work. I cannot speak for Liz, but when we were living in Toronto, there was a lovely dentist there whom Deanna knew from when she was attending pharmacy school at Western, and we went to her. She knows all the modern techniques and the kids love her. After establishing that kind of relationship, Deanna and I just don't see breaking that relationship to establish one with dad who is retiring anyway. That's the reason. It doesn't have anything to do with stories mom may have told over the years about Dad fumbling crowns or doing dental work with no mask on or thinking he can do bad dental work if it's a relative or yelling at me after a bad day of dentistry. Nothing to do with those things at all.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:54 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    April, my school contract requires that I go to the dentist closest to the Glenallen Elementary School, where I teach grade four. That's it. That's the reason. Not because Mom scared the bejesus out of me when Mike and I were little.

    Liz Patterson

  • At 2:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i think patients mumbling during a dental xxam r like sum kinda audio rorschach test 2 dad. like 4 xxample, b4 dr. morsel came along, dad useta think my mumbling was me saying stuff like, "father, i simply must hear more of yr delightful puns!" or "pop, can i go model-train shopping w/u after school 2day?" and as u know, i'd never utter either of those things!!!

    and i m never gonna marry gerald!



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