April's Real Blog

Sunday, April 27, 2008

More flashbacks U didn't wanna know abt

Hey, thanx 4 hangin' w/me @ Horny T's yesterday, Dunc! I was so glad I didn't spew out NE bad not-puns, or wordwork (opposite of wordplay, gettit?). And I know U were glad U didn't say "hum" insteada "eh" or talk abt how U cd get a sports job when U grow up. LOL.

NEway, guess what I woke up 2 this morning? I wandered in2 the kitchen, just wanting a nice bowl of granola w/vanilla soymilk, and who shd I C @ the table, eating my granola, but MIKE! And Liz was @ the counter making toast. And Dad was trying 2 remember how 2 make coffee (he keeps "4getting") as Mom was frying up a mess of bacon-egg slop @ the stove.

I was all, "What's going on here?" And Mom was all, "Isn't this nice! I invited Mike and Liz 2 come over 4 a good, old-fashioned family breakfast. I've been thinking abt the old dayz a lot l8ly and I was thinking how much I miss having my kids with me! I was like, "Hello, Mom? I'm yr kid and I still live in the house, remember?" Mom got a blank look on her face 4 a second, and then she seemed 2 recover and was all, "Now don't U get all defensive and teenagery, U know that what I meant was that I miss having all my kids with me!"

Then I sed, "What abt Dee and the kids?" Mom sed, "Don't B silly, they're not my kids!" I was like, "No, I know, but I'll bet Dee wda liked being included in this lil breakfast thing." Mike sed, "Don't B silly, formerly little Sister! Dee understands when I need a morning 'off.'" I tried 2 resist rolling my eyes, but they ended up rolling on their own. U know how it is. Next I asked Mike if he left me NE granola. "Oh. Was I supposed 2?" ARGH. He's so inconsiderate. Luckily I had sum vegan waffles in the freezer. Every1 in my fam thinks that's synonymous w/"cardboard," so they R totally safe.

I popped a couple of my waffles in2 the toaster and then went over 2 Dad. "OK, Dad, U can just drop the 'helpless' act. We all know U can make coffee but just don't want 2. Gimme the filter!" So he did, looking a bit sheepish, and I made coffee.

Once we were all settled around the table, Mom sat there looking back and forth between Mike and Liz, and then sed, "I can't believe my 2 kids--er, my oldest 2 kids--R all grown up! Lizzie, U were such a cute baby! I remember this one time, U were a baby and Mike was in kindergarten...." And I sed, "OMG, NOT another story from when Mike was in kindy and Lizzie was a baby!" Mom sed, "Who sed that?" And I sed, "ME!" And she sed, "Oh, yeah. Quiet U. I've got a gr8 story 2 share! As I was saying, Lizzie was a very, very cute baby! Sumday, U and Anthony will have a cute, cute baby of yr own!" Liz blushed, and I muttered, "Unless the baby favours Anthony!" Mom glared @ me.

"NEway," Mom continued, "This one time, yr father, here, on one of his good-father days, was playing w/little Lizzie, swinging her around while saying things like, "It's a tootsie pie! How's my bunnikins! How's my cutesie!" Meanwhile, I was noticing what a horrible mess Michael's room was." Mike sed, "Only b-cuz I was creative and inquistive!" Mom muttered, "No, that's not Y." Mike looked gobsmacked, and then Mom continued: "So, yr father went on playing w/Lizzie, sitting on the chesterfield while holding her on his lap and saying, "Tabump-tabump ta babbsie boo.. She's my little girlikins!" I walked in2 this charming tableau, where Michael was leaning on one arm of the chesterfield and smiling at his father and sister. But I couldn't stand it NEmore. The sight of that messy room had caused an anger that was boiling inside me, and I scrunched up my eyes, threw my mouth open, and shrieked, 'Michael Thomas Patterson! Get downstairs and clean up yr room!!'"

Mike sed, "Oh, I remember that! That's when I sed, 'C, Elizabeth.. Sum day they'll call U by yr real name...." I recall that Dad looked gobsmacked. Mom sed, "Of course he did." I sed, "W8. 'Michael Thomas Patterson.' How come the "Q & Eh" @ Mom's website has his name listed as 'James'?" Mom sed, "Honey, U can't xxpect the bizzy ppl who maintain my website 2 take the time 2 look up things like that. I M sure that Steph, or whoever, decided that 'James' sounded like a sensible middle name 4 Michael, since that's my father's name and I'm such a Daddy's girl." Dad sed, "Or @ least U were until yr dad b-came old and infirm." Mom glared @ him and he sed, "Sorry, I only meant 2 thot-bubble that comment, not say it out loud." I sed, "Mom, shdn't we get Steph 2 fix that answer on the website? Now ppl R gonna know Mike's middle name is really Thomas." And mom sed, "Dont' bother Steph w/trivia like that. We can just agree that Mike has 2 middle names now." Mike looked a bit confused.

Liz sed, "Can we get back 2 talking abt how cute I was when I was a baby? That's my favourite, talking abt me being so very cute! I remember Dad useta really luv me when I was his cute little girl! Then April came along and ruined all that. " I was like, "Oh, God, here we go again!"

Jeremy, pls hurry back from yr chess thing in Etobicoke!


Edit: Hey, Mike, when U were here earlier this morning, I was so distracted by the whole "middle name" thing, I 4got 2 ask abt Y Mom wda told U 2 go "downstairs" 2 clean yr room, if U, Dad, and Lizzie were on the chesterfield in the living room. Did Mom an' Dad make U sleep in the rec room back then?

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  • At 12:56 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    It's sort of sad to know there was never a period in your family history where your mother could relax. Even on those kid-unfriendly vactions to Mexico she goes on, she doesn't sit ther soaking up the sun. Not her. She's all go, all the time.

  • At 1:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    she's not happy unless she's unhappy, eh?


  • At 3:16 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Nope. What's worse is that she's the sort of person they have in mind when they say that misery loves company.

  • At 5:59 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    It was so cube 2 hang w/ u. I hope u didnt puke 2day.

    I have a sekrit 2 keep from Silhouette D00d. I'll tell u @ skool 2morrow.


    Yr best bud,
    Duncan Anderson

  • At 7:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, totally true on the "misery luvs company" thing and my mom, dreadedcandiru2.

    dunc, no puking 2day. yay! u have me v. curious abt yr secret fr. yr silhouette.



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