April's Real Blog

Thursday, April 17, 2008

They're gonna call me "Martian" Rn't they?

U know when U're working on sumthing and U just need 2 concentr8 on it till U finish? Mike, I know U do, LOL. I was writing an essay 4 school, and I was working on my concluding paragraph, when Mom was standing in my doorway, all, "April? Dinner's ready!" I sed, "I'll B there in a minute!" Insteada just taking my word 4 that and moving along, she went on w/"Rn't U hungry?" I sed, "Yes, but I'm in the middle of sumthing. I'll B there in a minute." Mom invaded my space by coming in2 my room, putting one hand on the back of my chair and sed, "What if I bring U little plate of..." I don't let Mom bring me a little plate of NETHING cuz she's still always trying 2 get me 2 eat meat. I yelled, "MOM!" Cuz that's the only way 2 stop her from talking when she's like that. Then I stood up and went, "MOM! I am coming! I wll B there! I will EAT!!!" Then Mom left the room, and I cd hear her in the kitchen telling Dad, "I've had it w/motherhood! ...I QUIT!" And I was thinking, "Girl pls, U quit motherhood ages ago, Y pretend that I drove U 2 that NOW?"

Ugh, I just know that Mom's "fans," the ones who sit w/her @ Lilliput's having coffee and saying "Thank you, thank you, thank you" every day, R gonna B all over what a thankless Martian BRAT I supposedly am. Just cuz I wanted 2 B left alone 2 finish up sum h'work B4 lining up @ Mom's dinner trough. I hope there will B @ least one person there sticking up 4 me.


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  • At 7:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    There is a word for your mom. But I'm too polite to use it.

  • At 10:09 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, i know what u mean, anonymous. lots of times thinking abt my mom makes me wanna use all sorts of bad words i'm not supposedta use!


  • At 10:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Young lady, with that attitude, I seriously doubt that your wonderful older sister can be talked into keeping you as a bridesmaid. (You were never one of her first choices any way.) You may still be allowed to go to the fairytale Wedding of the Century between lovely Liz and her hunky beau Anthony, but it is entirely UP TO YOU to mend your snippy ways!
    - A Friend

  • At 11:53 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…


    thanx 4 the laffs, "friend." like i cd ever get outta that wedding. they r so gonna make me b the official babysitter.


  • At 1:20 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Of course it is important to finish up what you are working on before you eat. However, in mom’s house, with the rapturous smell of her heavenly cooking in the air, I don’t know that I would be able to concentrate on what I was doing. In my own house, with the smell of carrot coins wafting through the air, it is not difficult at all. There are moments when I wish my lovely wife, Deanna, was as good a cook as mom. But then again, if she were, then I might not have finished my first novel Stone Season to such success.

    You should enjoy mom’s cooking while you can. Once you are off in university and eating Kraft dinner every meal, you will miss the aroma and taste of the mom’s great food.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:50 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, "i've had it w/motherhood! ...i QUIT!" we heard it ovah @my place. it’s been awhile since ur mom haz unhinged the old jaw & yelled. my mom sed, “i wish elly patterson wud do more motherin’ & less yellin’. it shakes the windows.” one of our doors fell off its hinge & i hafta fix it 2nite b4 we do homework 2gethah. sorry. oh, i liked ur essay. the part where u compared the military invasion of germany n2 france 2 a pushy mother who has 2 have her way wenevah she wunts it was gr8. i guess ur mom kinda inspired ur writin', eh?

  • At 1:51 PM, Blogger howard said…


    We heard your mother over at our house, too. My girls Ana and María dove under the table. I said, “Girls. It’s not an earthquake. That’s was just Elly Patterson yelling with her jaw unhinged. There is no real danger, aside from possible hearing loss.” Ana and María remembered that my wife Beatrice Alfarero used to work for your mom back when she owned Lilliput’s. Every time your mom yells they get a greater respect for their own mother and her stamina. Beatrice loves telling stories about the strength of your mother’s jaws, like the time she bit through the telephone book. Beatrice kept that telephone book, and it makes for a great illustration of her point, when someone doesn’t believe her story is true, and she pulls it out to show them.

    As for your mother’s latest protest, my wife Beatrice said, “Well, at least Elly Patterson admits she is done with mothering. That’s a lot better when she comes into Lilliput’s to have coffee with her friends and spends the whole time bragging about her tough parenting skills. She was in there this week, and it was all Moira Kinney could do to keep from yelling, ‘What about Kortney Krelbutz?’ at her.” When it comes to your mother’s parenting, Kortney Krelbutz is still a sore point with Moira.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:51 PM, Blogger howard said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At 2:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, i already don't eat mom's cooking most days. she has a hard time grasping what "vegan" means and says stuff like "dairy doesn't 'count' if it's an ingredient," or "u're not really eating egg if it's in a pastry." or "u can pick the ground meat out of the sauce." frustr8ung.

    jeremy, i m glad u liked that part of my essay. i hope our teacher agrees!

    howard, sorry 2 hear my mom scared yr kids like that.


  • At 7:01 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, it's wen ur mom sed "u can pick the ground meat out of the frostin'" that got 2 me. i dunno 'bout u, but my napkin is pretty full of dinner. wut xxcuse r we gonna use 2 leave 2 go 2 the "garden of eden" restaurant this tyme?

  • At 7:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i thot of an excuse. we'll say iris called and sed jim needs an emergency pedicure. mom totally sends me 4 stuff like that. gramps doesn't need an emergency pedicure, but iris'll cover 4 us. we're bringing him an' iris sum vegan cookies we'll pick up @ garden of eden after dinner, as a thank u.



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