April's Real Blog

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Connie got around 2 remembering she's got stepdaughters

More on Mom an' Connie's doggie walk I've been telling U abt 4 the past coupla days. Here's some more. Mom & Connie had let Edgar and Sera off-leash, and they were running ahead. I still hung behind w/Dixie, which wasn't EZ cuz she wanted 2 play w/the other dogz, but Mom's been treating her like a 2nd-class dogizen, so we hadta hang back. I was like, "I feel ya, Dixie, I totally know what that's like."

NEway, as U mighta guessed, Mom and Connie kept w/the yammering. Connie was all, "U'll B mother-of-the bride someday, El." As if that hadn't been established that other time they got 2gether and talked, B4 the last round of flashbacks, when Connie made that effed-up comment abt herself not getting 2 B MOB. But I'm doing one of those digressy things, Rn't I? So, Connie also sed, "...And Anthony's little girl will B yr step-granddaughter! I have 3 step-grandchildren now, and I luv them every bit as if they were my own. What am I saying?!!-- They R my own! When I married Greg, his girls b-came MY girls!.... So, I don't even THINK abt being a step-grandmother." W8, I hafta digress again. If she feels this way, Y on Earth was she going on abt how she'd NEVER get 2 B MOB? If she truly thot of Molly and Gayle as HER girls, she'd think of herself as having been MOB 2x. And clearly she doesn't. So she's a liar!

NEway, Connie continued w/"So, 4get abt all the formality and just call yrselves "family." And Mom sed "I guess that's the 1st step!!" Mom was obviously spending the entire time that Connie was talking desperately trying 2 come up w/sum way 2 play w/the word "step." Which means she wasn't really listening 2 what Connie was saying, just kinda monitoring it. That's what happens w/ppl who compulsively pun.

And Connie is such a liar that her pants R on fire.


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  • At 12:12 PM, Anonymous Bumblebee said…


    Hi, “your car” checking in! Thought I’d let you know what happened while you were walking with your manufacturer and her friend. Your brother Michael decided to “borrow” me while you were out. At first I changed my lock trying to keep him out (he apparently made a copy of your key), but he just kept getting that “gobsmacked” look on his faceplate and stubbornly refused to keep jabbing me with his key. I finally gave up and let him in.

    As he fiddled with my radio I played this joke on him Jazz told me about. No matter what stationed he turned to, I kept playing this one pop tune from the 1980s. Your brother gets the funniest looks on his face sometimes.

    As he arrived at his destination, I decided to just keep driving. You’ve never really tested me out, but I go pretty darn fast. An hour later I was bored with the noises he was making and his annoying attempts to tear my door off and let him out somewhere in one of the western provinces. If the weather holds, he’ll probably be able to hike to a human populated area within a few hours. Truly, Mike has been “Bumblerolled!” Ha ha!

    Hope all is well! We continue to monitor for Decepticon activity.

  • At 2:13 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, bumblebee! that is awesum!


  • At 2:19 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Mom gave me the spare key to your car and asked me to get it washed, in case Liz needed it for marriage-planning activities. My advice to you is to let your car stay dirty. Also, don’t play the radio unless you want to hear “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper.

    As you recounted your story today, I remembered Molly and Gayle Thomas. They were before your time and they were only around for 2 years. I remember they were constantly coming to mom for advice because, to be frank, mom is a whole lot better mom than Connie Poirier. Mom is a lot better mom than almost all moms (except for Grandma Marian, of course) but compared to Connie she was even a whole lot better than she was better than the other moms. Prior to getting married, Connie was a single mom sleeping around with a lot of guys; and as mom used to say, “In Connie’s day, no rock on your finger, meant you were constantly stoned.” I don’t think anyone was surprised when Molly and Gayle left as soon as they got a chance. Cheeze! It took most people a few years to notice that they had gone.

    What you have to understand though is that Connie Poirier has always been competing with mom. Because mom was married, Connie wanted to be married and had to go to Thunder Bay and come back with a husband. Because mom had an “oops” baby, Connie wanted an “oops” baby. Now, because mom will have 3 grandchildren when Elizabeth and Anthony get married (even if one of them is a Quebecoise grandchild); Connie is feeling the competitive fervor again. She has been claiming Molly and Gayle’s 3 kids as her grandchildren, but now mom is catching up. You know that Elizabeth is going to have another grandchild on the way about 9 months after her honeymoon; and frankly, there are some people in Milborough who think this may cause Connie to crack up.

    In this conversation you overheard between Connie and mom, there are some early signs, if you read it carefully.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:35 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ok. i don’t wanna b2 nosy, cuz it’s ur bizness, but every1 cud hear gerald yellin’ @u in skool, “so, 4get abt all the formality & just call me ‘family’!" iz there nethin' i needta b worried 'bout?

  • At 2:56 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, y wd liz need my car? she's got her own car!

    jeremy, ger seems 2 b on a "sister sledge" kick. even tho he only has one sister. i can't figure him, he's a loon.


  • At 3:26 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I must say I was quite surprised to see you participating in that unusual fashion show. “Dress April”. I had thought it was going to be a fashion show with designs of things people might wear in the month of April. I had no idea it was going to be you as the model with different people having the opportunity to put different clothes on you to see how they look on a typical Milborough teenager. In retrospect, I should have known that a fashion show in Milborough would not be like a fashion show in any other part of the country. For example, it seems that people think a typical teenager must have a cell phone in one hand and the other hand on her hip in every fashion shot, to show their teenagerishness. I admire the stamina of your arms to hold out so long, and your patience in letting people dress you.

    Now the part I don’t quite understand is why anyone would think that a Pippi Longstocking wig or a Babushka lady headpiece would be a good fashion for a teenager? And the poodle miniskirt was an odd combination of 1950s fashion and a more flesh-showing age. I don’t think it came off very well. I did, however, like your removable bun.

    Let me also tell you that after you left, and your stand-in Morgan Wood to be the “new April ‘paper doll’” as they called it; was not nearly as good a model as you.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 6:26 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Why would Liz need your car? For marriage-planning activities, of course. I thought I said that. Dad wanted to use it to haul junk in; but mom told him that the most important thing going on to the Pattersons right now is getting Elizabeth and Anthony married, and that outranked junk hauling.

    Perhaps I need to remind you of the Patterson vehicle pecking order:
    1. Mom’s car gets the inside spot, because she does the most work around the house, but mainly to keep her from getting upset and start screaming where the neighbours can hear her.
    2. Dad’s car is not as important as Mom’s, i.e. Dad can haul junk in his Crevasse, which is strictly forbidden in mom’s car.
    3. A potential romantic partnership can outrank the use of Mom’s car or Elizabeth’s car, if the potential romantic partner is doing the driving. Something for you to remember when Gerald starts to drive.
    4. Elizabeth’s car is used to carry her laundry and/or you in it. It’s too dirty for anyone else to ride in, much less carry wedding material in.
    5. If there are no children in the car, Deanna’s and my car is suitable for wedding material transport. With children, sometimes the car is only fit for Deanna to drive.
    6. Your driving is too bad for you to drive by yourself, so good drivers can outrank you on the use of your car.

    I hope this little reminder clears things up for you.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:07 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, y do we hafta watch this film tracking the hover dog? & y do we hafta watch it b4 we can go back 2 watchin’ the senators keep the penguins from sweepin’ them 4-0? sumthin’ is not rite ‘bout the world wen canadians r more innerested in ur sis’ weddin’ than the stanley cup playoffs.

    the hover dog in its natural habitat--the open field or park. leavin’ no tracks, most of the predators have 2 resort 2 smell 2 track the illusive creature. persons 4tun8 enuff 2c a hover dog up close, rarely live 2 tell the tail.{picture of wagging tail on hover dog}

    now ur mom is laffin’ w/her sticky-out tongue over the “tale/tail” pun. i am gonna hafta take a bath 2nite. no. i don’t think i have evah been given a bath by a girl wearin’ a poodle miniskirt b4. y do u ask?

    traditional animal traps do not work with the hover dog cuz they assume a ground approach. the easiest feature 2 distinguish these animals vs. regular dogs is not its hoverin’ az this man thinks. {picture of a man tryin’ 2 tackle a heron}. no the hover dog is known for its ability to look similar 2 but not xxactly like a dog. notice the missing eyes. notice the way the dog looks like giant rat. notice the leg shapes which r more like that of a horse than a dog. these r the distinctions which mark a hover dog.

    yeah. i gotta agree. that 1 rat hover dog looked a lot like dixie. um. shud u b puttin’ ur hand there in fronta ur mom? wut? she left? let’s put this tv back on the game. oh. i guess i cud miss the game 4 that. well, since ur mom haz left i don’t need 2 keep talkin’ 2u on ur blog, eh?

  • At 10:00 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, that "dress april" show was way embarrassing. i didn't wanna do it, but mom sed that the witch owed sum teenage "friend" of hers a favour. that "stand in" u saw was a wider, shorter version of me @ age 13. so mortifying.

    mike: like me, ger has his license and drives all the time, but that has nuthing 2 do w/me cuz we r not getting back 2gether. and fyi, my driving is fine and i'm allowed 2 drive by myself. the province of ontario sez so and despite what bizarro impression u mite have from sum random story told on a sunday, mom puts up no objection cuz she luvs it when i leave the house and she an' dad get 2 pretend they already have an empty nest.

    jeremy, sorry abt that documentary. i was rite behind mom, connie, edgar and sera, and i didn't even notice the hovering. i just don't notice visual details the way sum ppl do. i heard there r sum guys who live in arizona who notice deets like that all the time!



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