April's Real Blog

Monday, April 07, 2008

Mom shares a devous secret w/Mike

Ugh, we R back 2 the past, ppl! Mike has this 2 share:
April,

Formerly little sis. It was not until I was quite old before I realized just how it was that Mom was so effective in getting all those household chores done. She was telling me the story about how she was vacuuming the house in her usual vaccuming posture which made it appear as though she was able to lean completely over with no apparent support from her legs, and the sounds which wafted through the air were, "VACUUM VACUUM DUST "WIPE". I had to stop mom and say, "You know I just realized when I was growing up, I was probably so amazed by your vacuuming posture's ability to defy most of the physical laws of nature; I didn't notice that the "DUST" and "WIPE" noises did not make much sense coming from a person who was vacuuming." Mom said, "Well, Michael. You finally caught on. I don't think your father ever has; so don't tell him. He used to be so engrossed in his paper, I could be holding little Lizzie in one arm and pouring water into a bowl with the other arm, all the while the sounds, 'COOK STIR CHOP POUR' were going on. He never noticed that the only sound which was appropriate for the situation was 'POUR'. I could pour a little water and he would think I had made a whole meal." I said to mom, "That's amazing. Please don't teach Deanna how to do that." Mom said, "I won't tell Deanna; if you don't tell your father." And so the bargain was made and kept to this day.

Mom's favourite story though involves one time when Dad looked up from his paper and said, "Look at this, Elly...They've developed a robot that can perform most household chores!" To which mom replied with a perfectly satisfied smirk on her face, "What's new? We've had one at our house for 7 years." How was Dad to deny it, with all those sound effects? Mom is a marvel, and I think, frankly, a lot more clever than the robot which took her place for 7 years. Would a robot come up with the idea to fool dad with onomatopoeia? I should say not.

Love,
Michael Patterson
Mike, U goof! Mom never had a robot 2 take her place. Her "joke" was supposta B that SHE was the robot in the house doing household chores. That was obvsly meant 2 make Dad feel guilty 4 not helping out v. much.

Apes

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6 Comments:

  • At 9:50 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Your 2 sentences do not make much sense. First you say:

    Mom never had a robot to take her place.

    But then you follow it up with:

    Her "joke" was supposed to be that she was the robot in the house doing household chores.

    Ergo, if mom was the robot, then a robot took her place. Honestly, April. You weren't even alive back then, so how would you know? On the other hand, if you think about it carefully and truly, there have been times in your life when you probably couldn't tell the difference between mom and a robot. There may have been times when mom said or did something so unusual or so bizarre, you would swear it isn't mom doing it, but a robot with malfunctioning programming. If those thoughts have never crossed your mind ever, then I can say is...Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 1:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, mom is not a robot. it's a poor joke. geez, does your malfunctioning brain think that mom was a self-replacing robot?

    apes

     
  • At 4:57 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Obviously you are not thinking clearly, so let me help you. Remember back to the days when you and Kortney Krelbutz were both working at Lilliput’s? Remember how there was one particular person who did not want to fire Kortney, when she threatened that person’s daughter with physical violence? That didn’t seem like a very mom-like move did it? But, if it was really a robot, then maybe it would make more sense. After all, would a robot be worried about being punched by Kortney Krelbutz? Would a robot be concerned for the health and welfare of its child? Hum?

    You think about it for a little bit and see if you still have the same opinion. I know when I think about my past with mom, there are a number of moments which make a lot more sense if there was a robot involved.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 6:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, so u mean mom is a robot? do u think she's always been a robot, or that sum1 got rid of human-mom and replaced her w/robo-mom?

    apes

     
  • At 7:36 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Of course mom is not a robot. Certainly no robot could eat as much as mom does and still function properly. I am just saying that there are certain moments in the past, when you look at something mom did, where it might more sense if a robot did it instead of mom.

    I mentioned last week that mom used to take trips without dad and me and Lizzie. You may have noticed that mom hasn’t taken any trips like that in a long time. You may ask the question, “Why is that?” You might come up with the solution that she wouldn’t need to, if occasionally she were replaced by a robot. That would be an instant vacation for mom and would explain so much about things which have gone on in the past.

    I am sure if you were to ask mom directly what she meant when she said, “We've had one (a robot) at our house for 7 years”; she would probably agree with you that she was making a joke. But when you think about it, April, our whole family history, there are just too many moments where mom seemed more like a robot than a warm, loving, supportive mother. I suspect that mom’s words were actually what they call a “Freudian undergarment”.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 2:32 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,


    Formerly little sis. Since my wife, the lovely Deanna, and mom have been helping Elizabeth plan out that wedding of hers; occasionally Deanna comes home with an interesting story of how the day's planning has gone. The common story Deanna tells frequently involves someone, like a florist for example, who asks Elizabeth to recount her story of romance and love with Anthony Caine. After Elizabeth tells the story of her proposal, oftentimes people react with a "Well, that's different." or "I am sure he meant to say he loved you."

    What these people do not realize is that deep, down inside, Elizabeth wants a man just like Dad. And, to be honest, these ideas about Dad's romantic side were formed at a very early age, like in 1979. I remember one time, when Mom started shrieking, "OH NO! I've got a WRINKLE!" This went on for quite some time, until Dad finally got up from reading his newspaper and said, "Well, kids. It looks like I have to go in. If I don't come back, remember me well." Well, so Lizzie and I followed to see what he was talking about. He looked pretty nervous approaching the washroom, where mom was. He peaked his head around the side of the door and said, "So...What's one wrinkle?" As near as I could tell, mom was standing in front of the mirror with a reflection that looked somewhat like she was staring a ghost of herself, because she had no chin and her hair looked a sheet.

    She turned around very quickly to Dad and said, "This is the beginning! This is it! Some day I'll be covered with LINES!!!" Dad looked startled. I thought she was coming at him with a knife, until I realized it was just mom's hand with razor-sharp claws on it. That was a relief.

    Then Dad turned on the old Patterson charm and calmed Mom down. In one simple phrase, Dad let Mom know that no matter how wrinkled and ugly she got, he would be able to still understand her. Lizzie sighed when she heard him say it, and I could tell, even then, her idea of romantic love was being formed. Dad said, "I'll always be able to read between them..." and he turned and walked away from Mom with a smile on his face. Problem solved.

    I know some people might think that "read between the lines" means "to understand the unexpressed but implied meaning of something said or written" and that lines on someone's face are not said or written. To those people I would say, "Stop taking things so literally!!" Some people.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

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