April's Real Blog

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Mom laments her butt yet again

So, yesterday, I told you about Mom and Connie having one of their lil coffee chitchats. Well, it was time 4 the ritualistic washing of the coffee mugs, so Mom hauled her Patterbutt 2 the sink and Connie followed. I peeked in the kitchen and saw that Mom and Connie were both having really bad arse days. And the camera Mike has been referring 2 l8ly? I cd swear if we had one, it wd B strategically placed @ worm's-eye view 2 maximize these gluteii. I was thinking, "Uh-oh. This is going 2 B a set-up 4 a joke abt how expansive these tushes R." I kinda settled in, leaning against a wall where I wasn't in their line of site but cd catch their convo. Naturally, I M sorry I did.

Connie was all, "I think it wd B gr8 2 B in our 30s rite now, El. Ppl R so much more open-minded. Nowadays, the guyz seem 2 pitch in more. They'll carry the kids, get the groceries, do the laundry--and it's perfectly OK! When we were young, we were expected 2 hold down a job and do all the housework. The whole thing was on OUR shoulders!" Seriously? In the 80s? Does Connie know how old she is? NEway, Mom was all, "Hmmm." Then she put aside the mug she had just dried, put a hand next 2 each giant hip, as if she was checking on the guns in her invisible holster, and sed, "MayB that's Y we're shaped like this." Connie laffed, even tho it wasn't funny.

Here's a clue, Mom. Regular exercise and sensible eating. Consistently. Look in2 it.


Edit: And yeah, it's my birthday. I'm 17, yo! 'Course that means I have more than a yr B4 I M outta here 4 uni.

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  • At 8:36 AM, Blogger Kaitou Jeanne said…

    ヾ(^-^)ゞ Happy 17th, April!

         ( ^-^)ρ--―--*・:゜.゚.。

  • At 9:46 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…


    I sent u a pressie, did u get it yet?

    Yr best bud,
    Duncan Anderson

  • At 10:02 AM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    Chica. Feliz Cumpleaños. You are la muchacha hermosa on your birthday. I knew you would not dress like a puta like you did last year on your birthday, no matter what Gerald said.

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Duncan Anderson's Silhouette said…


    I sent u a pressie, did u get it yet?

    Yr best bud,
    Duncan Anderson's Silhouette

  • At 10:05 AM, Anonymous A Reader said…

    Happy Sour 17th, April!

  • At 10:27 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Silhouette, d00d,

    Stop sending my best bud pressies or Ill hafta beat u up.


    p.s. Evah is all yrs.

  • At 12:16 PM, Anonymous Optimus Prime said…

    Happy manufacturing day, April.

  • At 12:28 PM, Blogger Muzition said…

    I hope you get a nice cake today like your Grandpa got!

  • At 12:45 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Happy Birthday!

    I did inquire if mom had any special plans for your birthday, and she informed me that she had just finished dealing with Grandpa Jim’s birthday this past weekend; so she was not up for any more birthday celebrations. She said she was much more in the mood for talking about generic old woman things which will ultimately lead into talking about things that happened back in 1980 with Connie Poirier and she might get to your birthday in a few weeks.

    I had the kids make their Auntie April a card for your birthday, and you can come by and get it anytime you would like. Just to let you know that the red on the card is not blood from where the kids got into a fight over how to make your card. I got the paper cutters away from the kids before it led to actual bloodshed. On the other hand, the stuff that looks like it came from a rabbit, which is stuck to the card, did actually come from the rabbit.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:04 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i luvved ur answer 2 gerald wen he asked u if u were goin’ on ur usual group b-day d8 w/him, eva, duncan, luis & rosario. u sed, “sorry, gerald, but jeremy & i r gonna spend my b-day pickin’ out my obstetrician, cuz we’re gonna have twins.” the look on gerald’s face wen he passed out wuz classic. i also luvved it wen he woke up & u told him, “april’s fool”.

    neway, i got us tix 4 evil dead: the musical at the diesel playhouse. our tix r in the splatter zone premium seating, so don’t wear nethin’ rilly nice, eh?

  • At 1:10 PM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    I just wanted to let you know that even though we have not really had a face-to-face conversation that anyone remembers since my telethon last summer, I still think you are the nicest girl in Milborough. If you need any comforting, I will always be here for you. Happy birthday!

    Shannon Lake

  • At 1:14 PM, Anonymous Duncan Anderson's Silhouette said…


    I think my pressie 4u is a lot better’n the pressie Duncan Anderson got u? Don’t u?

    Yr best bud,
    Duncan Anderson's Silhouette

  • At 1:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 all the b-day wishes and prezzies! u guyz rock!!!

    dunc's giftie was awesome and totally "dunc"!

    dunc's silhouette's giftie was v. v. silhouettish and appropriate 4 sum1 who is my bud's silhouette. so no worries, eh?

    jeremy, i can hardly w8. i have a cute dress that's actually made from swimsuit material, so i shd b ok!

    mike, mayB u cd just take a digital pic of the card and e-mail it 2 me, eh? it sounds as tho it cd b, like, infectious?


  • At 1:31 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    I can't believe we are on a "Mom" week now, April! That is so unfair!


  • At 1:13 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i hadda gr8 tyme w/u @evil dead: the musical. turned out u cud wear a poncho for the splatter zone, but i gotta say, u looked rilly good w/fake blood all ovah u. aftah we left, we were hummin’ the tunes 2 thoze songs like, “wtf wuz that”, "look who's evil now" & "all the men in my life keep getting killed by candarian demons". u know, i think don’t think i evah kissed a girl covered w/fake blood on her b-day b4, or ne of the othah stuff we did. it wuz a 1st 4 me. i’m glad u put towels in ur car.

  • At 1:16 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Did you know that a long time ago, mom used to take me, Lizzie and 5 other children from other families to the movies for my birthday? I remember one time in particular. I had decided I wanted to see the movie Godzilla Meets the 3 Bionic Bears. You may be too young to remember Godzilla, but he was a mutant, fire-breathing dinosaur and I was a huge fan. However, if you are a true Godzilla fan, you will recognize that Godzilla Meets the 3 Bionic Bears was not a real Godzilla movie, but a knockoff picture. Back in 1980, it was a few years after the Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman were no longer on television; but for middle-aged housewives in 1980, the word “bionic” was considered to be funny for many years to come. One of these housewives created the Bionic Bears, and also this knock-off movie. Godzilla, as it turned out, was not a giant, fire-breathing, mutant dinosaur; but a character who looked about as menacing as Cookie Monster, and whose nose appeared or disappeared in the movie without any reason to it. In fact, there was one section where the 3 Bionic Bears and Godzilla had a musical number, which I remember this day called, “Bears with Bionics will Break Your Bicuspids”.

    I remember the movie especially from the time we stood in line to see it. The lady selling the movie tickets was actually peeling them off a roll of tickets, and she was very slow about it. Mom described her ticket order as “Seven children…and one demented adult…..” which confused the lady completely, and she spent a long time looking for the roll of tickets for demented adults. In the meantime, I was desperate for mom’s protection, because one of my birthday guest invitees decided he was going to punch me out for bringing him to such a lame movie. He was also upset that mom forced us to wear pointy birthday hats in the line, so she could tell which kids were which. Needless to say, only about 4 of us abided by that rule.

    It was pretty much chaos in the line otherwise. There was a boy blowing a bubble. One boy stuck out his tongue at a girl in my birthday party, while she was yelling at him to stop it. (I think she ended up pulling some of his hair out. I forget exactly.) Then behind a nerdy boy and his very blonde girlfriend was a young boy in a sweater, who kept trying to poke out his eye with his finger. Most everyone else was fairly well-behaved, until they realized mom kept on making jokes about her situation. Demented adult, maniacal mother, psychopathic parent, etc.; until the people behind her told her to stop with the jokes and get a ticket already.

    For some reason, mom mentioned that she remembered this story thanks to someone having a birthday yesterday, but she couldn’t remember who it was. If she ever remembers, don’t let her take you to see Godzilla Meets the 3 Bionic Bears. It was awful.

    Michael Patterson


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