Lizzie Should Know!
So, Liz musta realized she hadn't shown off her ring 2 me yet, so she made a special trip 2 do so. I'd been sitting on my bed reading, so Liz plunked herself on the bed and stuck out her left ring finger.
I was like, "So, can I B a bridesmaid?" I dunno what I was thinking, since Liz is all abt "revenge" dresses 4 her bridesmaids, but Liz was like, "Sure--when the time comes." Rite, as if this is gonna B sum super-long engagement. I was like, "Can I try on yr ring?" This was mostly 2 mess w/Liz, cuz I was sure she'd say "NO!" But she didn't, so I tried it on. Then I held out my hand and practiced my smug, closed-eyed look while saying, "Cool.... Someday, in the far distant future, I'm gonna get married, 2..." Then I opened my eyes, held my hand up higher, and sed, "Sumwhere, there's a guy out there who totally has no idea that he's gonna wind up w/ME!"
That was just really my way of saying I don't hafta follow the whole childhood-sweetheart pattern she and Mike did. But Liz's response, as she snatched back her ring and put it on, was, "...Ignorance is bliss." Can U believe that? I don't think I'd dun NEthing 2 deserve that. But Liz is all abt being ignorant, so I guess she experiences bliss a whole lot.
Apes
I was like, "So, can I B a bridesmaid?" I dunno what I was thinking, since Liz is all abt "revenge" dresses 4 her bridesmaids, but Liz was like, "Sure--when the time comes." Rite, as if this is gonna B sum super-long engagement. I was like, "Can I try on yr ring?" This was mostly 2 mess w/Liz, cuz I was sure she'd say "NO!" But she didn't, so I tried it on. Then I held out my hand and practiced my smug, closed-eyed look while saying, "Cool.... Someday, in the far distant future, I'm gonna get married, 2..." Then I opened my eyes, held my hand up higher, and sed, "Sumwhere, there's a guy out there who totally has no idea that he's gonna wind up w/ME!"
That was just really my way of saying I don't hafta follow the whole childhood-sweetheart pattern she and Mike did. But Liz's response, as she snatched back her ring and put it on, was, "...Ignorance is bliss." Can U believe that? I don't think I'd dun NEthing 2 deserve that. But Liz is all abt being ignorant, so I guess she experiences bliss a whole lot.
Apes
Labels: Liz, stoopidity
posted by April Patterson @ 6:22 AM
4 Comments:
At 9:55 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i get wut u were sayin’ ‘bout a guy who totally haz no idea he’z gonna wind up w/u. i mean there’z prolly lotsa guyz who r gonna want 2 wind up w/u. like prolly every guy u meet in ur vet program @skool iz gonna want u. & then aftah u have a practise, then like every guy who haz a sick animal iz gonna want u. & then just random guyz on the street r gonna want u. i know thass how it’s gonna b, just cuz ur so cube & stuff & thass how guyz r. so ur prolly gonna end w/u sum rilly good-lookin’ smart, rich guy & that will be the end of me. but gerald delaney-forsythe, who thinks he alreddy haz u, izn’t gonna wind up w/u & thass wut i like 2 hear. especially, cuz he likes tellin’ me that.
az 4 ur sis b-ing mean, i have this feelin’ u bettah get used 2 it. now she’z engaged, she’z gonna start thinkin’ she’z better’n u & start bossin’ u like ur sil duz, like b-ing married & havin’ kids automatically meanz ur the top woman ‘round & ne othah woman is like, her slave, 2 boss, wenevah she wunts. i mean ur sis hazn’t done that much bossin’ of u since she came back 2 mboro, mainly cuz, the way ic it, she’z been so depressed ‘bout this anthony thing. but now she’z engaged she’z prolly gonna b the worst 2b around. wut she sed 2u 'bout ignorance is prolly just the beginnin' of her goin' 2b just, plain mean.
At 2:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Elizabeth’s story today really takes me back. Some years back, just after Uncle Phil and Auntie Georgia got married, and Elizabeth was about 7 years old, I remember how Elizabeth said almost the exact same words to mom and me, that you said to Elizabeth in her story. I remember she asked mom, “Am I gonna get married someday, mom?” And mom said, “Oh I think so.” And then Elizabeth said, “That means that somewhere in the world, right now, there’s a kid growing up who’ll be my husband.” You know it’s interesting to me now, primarily because I realize that Elizabeth at 7 years old was more articulate than you are at almost 17.
My response to Elizabeth’s pronouncement those years ago was to open the door and yell to the outside, “Run for your life, kid!! Run while you’ve still got time!!!” At the time, it would have been considered funny because Liz really didn’t have the concept of marrying a childhood sweetheart yet. However, in retrospect, I realize now that my voice was carrying a very, real warning right to the ears of the persons who needed to hear it most. There could have been neighbour boys who might have dated Elizabeth, who on that very day, did get up and run for their lives. This could possibly be the reason why I had so many more choices of girlfriends growing up than Elizabeth had boyfriends growing up. Anthony Caine may simply have missed my timely warning because he lived too far away to hear me or he may not have been perceptive enough to realize the warning was meant for him. No matter. He and Elizabeth are engaged now and it’s too late for him to run.
You can see by comparison of my response to Liz and Liz’s response to you, where things have gone wrong. My comments were a warning to society about Liz, but Liz has neglected to do the same for you. And the reason why is because she chose to use a high brow literary quote for her warning. William Shakespeare, the Bard that sells Avon himself, is the source of her line, “Ignorance is bliss.” By trying to appear like a snooty, high brow literary type, there are young men in Milborough who could be packing up and moving right now to avoid the possibility of being your husband, who are now fated to be one of your husbandly considerations. My heart goes out to them.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 3:36 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, yeah, def. not marrying ger.
mike, u r just horrible. but it doesn't matter, i m gonna b living sumwhere else when/if i decide 2 get married.
apes
At 2:17 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Liz might write you about the next part of her story. But since it involves me, I thought I would write it up; so it’s not all about her. After she came to visit mom and then came to visit you in your bedroom to show you her ring and cast aspersions on your matrimonial plans, the next logical step would have been for her to have a conversation with dad. However, she decided to visit Deanna and me instead. This was on a completely different day from the day she visited mom and visited you and we had been forewarned she might come to see us to show off her ring eventually. Mom specifically told me to make a fuss over her ring, because no one had done that yet. Mom was quite right that this ring is pretty much the exact opposite of the type of ring that Anthony’s ex-wife Thérèse was sporting during their marriage. Nevertheless, I put on a game face and as I held my sister’s hand said, “Whooo! Nice ring, sis!” That’s sounds somewhat complimentary doesn’t it? Deanna didn’t think so. After Liz left she was all over me for being so sarcastic in my ring-complimenting.
Anyway, Deanna said that thanks to my lame complimenting, she had to distract Elizabeth before she would realize what I had done and started to get upset. If you remember back from late February, when my wife was crawling through the crawl space in our house and found Grandma Marian’s wedding dress, Deanna took it to the cleaners and had it placed in one of those boxes with the window on top. She pulled it out to show Liz and she said, “This is your Grandma Marian’s wedding dress. I found it in the crawl space and I had it cleaned.” Liz didn’t say anything like what I would have expected like, “Why didn’t you give this dress to mom?” or “What was this dress doing in the crawl space in the first place?” or “Cheeze, how could this dress possibly have lasted over 60 years?” Instead she reached out and touched the window on the box and patted it. She did this enough times, where Deanna had to say, “It’s a window covered in plastic, and that’s why your hand isn’t going through.”
Then Deanna handed the dress over to Liz, who took it out of the box. Deanna said, “Try it on!” Liz said, “Should I?” And you know, April, this habit of asking permission at every step of the way, Liz has picked up from Anthony Caine is pretty annoying. So, I said, “Sure!!” in order to convince her to do it and move things along.
With Deanna’s help, Elizabeth did try on the dress, right there in the kitchen. Deanna was bent down touching Liz’s leg through the bottom fluffy part of the dress, muttering things like, “With these fat legs and huge butt, it’s a good thing this part of the dress has plenty of room.” Liz was trying to find a pocket on the dress with her left hand and she said, “I don’t know about this, guys…it doesn’t feel quite right.” I asked, “Why?” and naturally Liz went to a thought bubble to answer the question instead of telling me. It was then I got really confused. Back last February, when Deanna found this dress, I could have sworn it had solid material for sleeves and not these gauzy sleeves Liz was wearing. And also, I don’t remember the dress being low cut in the front. I said to Deanna, “This doesn’t look like the same dress.” Deanna just hissed at me in that low voice she has which almost always means danger if I don’t do what she says. She hissed, “Shut your flapping gob, Michael Patterson. It’s Grandma Marian’s dress and I will hurt you if you dare to suggest to Liz it is not.”
Deanna’s visage of anger was too unpleasant for me to look at, so I looked at Liz and read her thought bubble. It said, “Gram….I feel like I should be asking for your permission!” And of course I thought, “Cheeze. It’s the asking permission thing again. Visits with Liz and Anthony are going to be really annoying if this keeps up.”
That’s about it for this part, April. There will be more tomorrow.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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