Liz plotting revenge
Hey foax, I got sum more e-mail from Liz, this time abt her starting 2 tell ppl abt her and Ant talking abt mayB-sumday marriage and shopping 4 a "taken" ring:
Apes
April,Liz, that's so mean that you want to buy uggo dresses for your bridesmaids. Especially since bridesmaids' dresses are expensive, even if they're fugly. And I def won't help U find uggo dresses if I'M gonna B a bridesmaid. If not, I'll consider helping U. 4 a fee.
In case any of your filthy-minded friends assumed I spent the night at Anthony's after we put Frenchy to bed, on that day like 3 wks ago when we decided we'll get married at some point, well, it's not true! I went back to my apartment and right away I sat down at my computer and fired off an e-mail to Dawn. I didn't even bother to change into my glasses, though I took my hair out of its bun and put it in a more comfy ponytail.
This is what I wrote to Dawn: "Dear Dawn, Anthony and I finally talked about getting married. I guess we'd both been thinking about it for a long time. We're going to look for a ring tomorrow. I must admit, I can't wait to wear one!" As I wrote that, I could feel that I had my lips o' loveliness. I love when that happens, because I'm much less likely to resemble Mike when I have those lips. Next, I wrote: "We haven't set a date yet... But when the time comes--I want you and Shawna-Marie to be my bridesmaids." Then I paused from my TICK TAP TIKKITA-TAP-TAP TICK, TICK TAP TAP TAP TICK, TAPPITA TICK TAP TICK TAPPITA TICK, TAPPING to think this thought: "That's right, dudes... --It's PAYBACK time!" As I thought this, I could feel this strange feeling. My eyes were half-closed and I could feel that I had fully articulated eyelids! How strange is that?
Anyway, April, I am gonna need your help looking for the most ugly, unflattering bridesmaid dresses I can find. Because it's PAYBACK time! And also I can't let my maids outshine ME on my big day!
Liz
Apes
Labels: Anthony, Dawn, Liz, poor priorites, Shawna-Marie
posted by April Patterson @ 6:28 AM
16 Comments:
At 1:53 PM,
howard said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
At 1:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Liz,
It seems like marriage is in the air. I just got married last June or July and then Dawn got married this year and now you. I am so excited for you. Ring-shopping is an important step, but you may not want to start making wedding plans until that ring is on your finger. It took Brian years to propose to me. He told me some bullshit story about how he had to wait until everyone was ready, but you know how men are. It was all worth it when he finally did. It was so romantic. I can’t wait for you to tell me the story about how you become engaged. Those kinds of stories are the best. There is something about a proposal that just brings out the romance in a guy.
Now, you say the groom is Anthony, as in Anthony Caine? I knew something was up with you two when you disappeared during my wedding reception and we were worried you might have fallen in the lake. You missed me throwing my bouquet (Dawn caught it, by the way), my grand exit, and the wedding pictures are missing a bridesmaid in everything taken from the reception on. You were definitely missed, and whenever my mother talks about my wedding or looks at the pictures from it, she almost always mentions you. It’s good to know something positive has come out of what you and Anthony were doing that night. However, I have to admit I am a little surprised, since when I saw you at Dawn’s wedding up in Ottawa, Anthony wasn’t there and you didn’t really mention him. Of course, that wedding was so crazy, I could have easily missed it.
As for being a bridesmaid at your wedding, naturally I would be happy to return the favour you did for me. Just let me know the date and time, when you figure it out. Also, this is just a little hint between girlfriends, but the question of being a bridesmaid is usually a question people ask on the phone or in person, and not in an e-mail.
As for “payback”, I don’t know what you mean by payback exactly. I have been friends with you a long time and so I will assume you are trying to be funny like you always used to. Sometimes you write things and put a peculiar look on your face as you do it, so people will know you are being funny and not serious. As I have told you before, people can’t see your face when they read your writing. I certainly hope you don’t mean that being a bridesmaid at my wedding was such a terrible experience that you need to get revenge for something.
I do know someone I would like to pay back from my wedding. Can you believe there was some person going around my wedding telling stories about how my mother controlled my wedding and Brian and I were moving away from her in revenge after the honeymoon? What a hateful thing to say. If I ever find out who that person is, then there will be some five-fingered-fisted, pay back.
Just to let you know, Brian and I do have a vacation planned in the month of August, so if you could avoid scheduling your wedding during that month, we would really appreciate it. Also, Brian and I still live in Milborough and we could get together with you and Anthony for a dinner or a movie sometime.
Love,
Shawna-Marie
At 2:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Liz,
You bitch! After what you did at my wedding, you think I would even be remotely interested in being a bridesmaid at your wedding? 3 years of planning my perfect, elaborate, completely traditional Japanese wedding and you ruined it. There’s a reason I don’t return your calls, and don’t think that just because I read my e-mail, we are talking again. Just to let you know, my mother is not a “complete and total failure”, just because I work in Ottawa and my brother Brian works in Japan, and we don’t live in Milborough next to mom. Also, my father is not “wasting his time” because he does model airplanes along with model trains.
Just to let you know Brian’s wife’s name, Junko, is not pronounced with a “j” sound. Also, my niece is Tamika and not Tammie. I don’t care if Anthony Caine calls his daughter Françoise by Francie. My family is proud of their Japanese heritage. Also, in a traditional Japanese wedding, the brides’ hair is styled in bunkin-takashimada style on purpose, and not because she doesn’t know how to do a proper bun. When I think about what you did to my hair, I could just scream. Also, if you had any patience, you could have figured out how to use those chopsticks and not sent my uncle to hospital.
If I never see you again, it will be too soon.
Dawn
At 2:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Slightly older little sis. Just to give you a little warning, mom found out from Anthony Caine’s parents that you and Anthony are engaged. She will wait for you to tell her, and she will probably pretend that she doesn’t already know; but she is not very happy about it. I don’t know how you could have made this mistake. Have you not observed how reverentially I treat mom compared to my in-laws? When babies are born, mom knows first, Mira knows last. When fake weddings are performed, mom knows first, Mira knows last. When our apartment burns down in a fire, mom knows first, Mira knows last. That’s the way to keep peace in the family. Just to let you know, what could calm mom down is if you had a little display of my book Stone Season at your wedding. Not only would it be a great favour to me, it would give people something to do while they are watching your wedding ceremony.
Also, Deanna found out that you already invited Dawn and Shawna-Marie to be your bridesmaids, so I would strongly recommend that you don’t invite Deanna to be one too, or she might be offended you asked them first. However, if you need someone to tell April she needs to monitor my kids during your wedding reception, Deanna will be more than happy to do that.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, lemme c if i got this str8. we r gonna help ur grandpa celebr8 his 77th bd 2day, but u might hafta go back & do it again, just in case ur fam remembers it’s his 77th bd. then we go ovah 2 ur sister & tell her that ur not gonna b a flower girl in her weddin’ & ur not gonna take care of ur bro or anthony’s kids during the weddin’ & if she wunts u2b a bridesmaid, it better not mess up ur summer trip 2 winnipeg at the end of august. iz that rite?
At 2:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Liz,
I forgot to tell you that my last comment was a joke. Don’t worry about anything I might have said there. I just finished talking to my husband, David, and he thinks I have a terrific sense of humour. Don’t you? I was just joking with the things I said in that comment. I would be delighted to be a bridesmaid at your wedding. I really like your idea of “payback time” and so does my husband David. Schedule the wedding date whenever you would like. David and I will be there.
Love,
Dawn
At 3:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, u r almost rite w/all of that. gramps is 87, not 77. u mighta been having a flashback 2 1998.
apes
At 3:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
Shawna-Marie, you silly girl, I think you are confusing my e-mail to you three weeks ago w/April's blog entry for today. I only thought the pay-back thing. I had clearly stopped typing while I thought that!
Dawn, you are so funny! You had me going for a while, though.
Thanks to both of you for agreeing to be in my wedding. You guys are the BEST!
Liz
At 4:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
Mike, I forgot to respond to you. Ha, ha, you're forgettable!
Speaking of forgetting, don't forget that this stuff I'm telling you about now happened three weeks ago. Do you really think that in all the time that's passed, I haven't told Mom yet? The only way I can explain how she reacted when she "found out" from Anthony's parents is either she forgot I'd told her, or she was pretending, for some reason. It's hard to guess with Mom.
Liz
At 4:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
Liz,
I had to take a look, but you are right. In your sister April's blog entry for today you specifically mention that you stopped typing or actually TICK TAP TIKKITA-TAP-TAP TICK, TICK TAP TAP TAP TICK, TAPPITA TICK TAP TICK TAPPITA TICK, TAPPING to think that thought about payback. On the other hand, if I read your sister April’s blog entry correctly, that e-mail was for Dawn and not for me. I may have gotten a few details in my e-mail that Dawn did not get. Not to worry though, Dawn called me up to ask me if I had gotten an e-mail from you about it, and I forwarded it onto her, so she wouldn’t miss out on anything. Just watching out for you, “dude”. We are going to have a great time at your wedding, and don’t forget to give me all the details about the proposal.
Love,
Shawna-Marie
At 4:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Slightly older little sis. I just gave you that little warning because I told someone I would. I just didn’t say “when” I would give you the warning. I am sure no one thinks that 3 weeks would pass without you telling mom important news like that. After all, you and mom have such a good history of keeping each other informed of things going on in your lives. Hum! It was difficult to keep a straight face, writing that last sentence.
I know how you are, Liz. You may say, “I went back to my apartment and right away I sat down at my computer and fired off an e-mail to Dawn” but I have this strange feeling that you were wearing different clothes from when you and Anthony talked about rings and it perhaps was not exactly 3 weeks ago. The clue is you said, “I didn't even bother to change into my glasses, though I took my hair out of its bun and put it in a more comfy ponytail.” More comfy? Elizabeth, we all know that’s not something you would do, unless it was a whole, new day; or you were hungover.
However, I must compliment on trying to evade my point. Rest assured, that if Anthony’s parents continue to find out things first, you are putting yourself at risk of a certain someone, unhinging her jaw and bellowing. Nobody wants that, especially me. Our house is too close to mom’s.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, flashback iz possible, altho i am pretty sure we didn’t have a relationship 10 years ago where i wud’ve gone w/u 2 ur grandpa’s bday. i think it might b a simpler answer like, i didn’t hear u rite or i 4got xxactly wut u sed or sum guy in arizona iz kickin’ himself 4 messin’ up his math. it’s 1 of those, 4 sure.
At 8:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
Shawna-Marie, don't be such a lazy-pants! I shared my details about Anthony's proposal with April, and she posted my messages to her blog. Just scroll down a bit, and you can see how Anthony did his proposal. It was so "Anthony."
Liz
At 8:56 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, it must b weird 2 have a feeling that sum guy in arizona is kicking himself abt messing up his math. neway, thanx 4 helping me w/the b-day celebration. gramps really seemed 2 enjoy our visit, and u saw how iris was thanking us again and again 4 remembering this special day and all. even tho she whispered the "unlike sum ppl" part, it was impossible 2 miss.
neway, i had a gr8 time. u r v. v. good w/old peeps!
apes
p.s. howard, iris asked me 2 thank u 4 that super-special b-day cake from "coward."
At 11:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
Liz,
Oh, I see now. When you said in your e-mail reprinted today on your sister’s blog, “Anthony and I finally talked about getting married,” I didn’t know he had already proposed. But I guess, now that I think about that guy we both knew in high school, with his moping around you for months and months hoping that you would finally notice him, you’re right. That proposal is so “Anthony”.
Now that I’ve read the whole story going back to the beginning, I guess you were lucky, in a kind of strange and twisted way that you tend to attract boyfriends (like that Warren guy)who are the stalkerish types that just can’t seem to leave you alone. Otherwise, we might not be talking marriage now. Back in the day, getting you two guys together was the job for me and Dawn. It’s good to know someone has taken over our responsibilities, even if it is a stalkerish ex-boyfriend.
I still want to know any other details of what is coming up, and just how “Anthony” Anthony is when he does it. Keep up with the deets, “dude.”
Love,
Shawna-Marie
At 11:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i hadda good tyme w/ur grandpa & iris. @least he can still eat cake evn if he can’t say, “cake.”
also, thanx 4 goin’ 2 the good friday tenebrae service w/me & my fam. i cud tell it wuz meaningful 2u wen u sed, “i know now y mom & dad nevah go 2 this service.”
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