April's Real Blog

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

What and whom? I think I'll swoon.

Things R getting a lil odd @ Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's, here in Barbados, but @ least I M in Barbados. Duncan, I will put my $ on Perdita dumping Arne Friday. She seems 2 B getting more annoyed w/him every day. NEway, I got another Liz-mail:

It's Tuesday, so I get to tell you stuff @ least, um, one, two, three, four, five.... Five times, including today. Yay, me! I rule, Mike drools!

So I know you and all your readers are just dying to know what happened when Anthony and I got together the next day, after that night Warren came by when I was grading tests. By the way, I never finished grading my tests and I had to tell my students they wouldn't get their tests back for another day. But I told them, "It's Warren Blackwood's fault, so don't blame me." They looked a little confused, but at least they dropped the subject.

Anthony and I were in his car, and I had just finished begging him to believe what I had told him about Warren, on the phone the night before. Anthony said, "I believe you, Liz.... Why shouldn't I? You didn't ask Warren to come to your apartment--and while he was there, nothing happened. You asked him to leave, and that's it." And I realized that I never told Anthony that Warren left his job to be with me and was trying to pick up where he left off with dating me. So that wasn't exactly "it," but I said, "That's it." Better not to confuse things. Let Anthony think Warren just showed up, said, "I quit my job and I'm depressed," and that I told him right off, "It's late and you have to leave." Better to let him think I never made coffee and we never had our painful, awkward talk.

Next, Anthony said, "Elizabeth. You're free to talk to whomever you wish. I want you to be yourself--and I want you to be SURE. I asked, "Sure about what?" And out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Anthony had gone into silhouette, and his silhouette looked fat and middle-aged. Silhouette-Anthony said, "About what you WANT." Then he went back to being regular-Anthony and added, "And whom."

I shut my eyes while pointing my face upwards and closed my eyes, because Anthony use of "whom" reminded me I had to make a lesson plan on "who" and "whom." And then I started to worry that maybe Anthony was using the word pointed-like, because maybe when I was begging him to believe me about Warren I misused "who" or "whom." When you're a teacher, people are always trying to stick you for making mistakes like that. And when you teach grade four, people expect you to know all your subjects. It's so stressful, April, I can't wait until I'm married and can quit my job to focus on being a married lady and taking care of kids and a house. Like Mom when Mike and I were little.

Oh, Liz. Liz, Liz, Liz. Can't you get to the interesting part of this story? If, you know, you have one?


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  • At 9:28 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    I dunno if my sekret sum1 came 2 the parlour last nite cos my gran called me & asked me 2 come ovah 2 deal w/ this giant car tyre who was trying 2 feed himself 2 the goats.

    So I brot him in2 the farmhouse. He asked 4 another chocolate choo choo. Gran didnt have ne chocolate or coffee liqueurs so I threw sum vodka in2 sum chocolate milk. Mopey didnt notice the diff. He just kept moaning, "She was my 1st, she'll b my last, she's my evrything." D00d was sounding like Barry White. I think its Barry White, I always leave the house rilly rilly quick if my 'rents start playing their Barry White albums. Then he started talking about Perdita's hair & eyes & other parts. When he got 2 the other parts, I started 2 make a supply list 4 the RHBM dishwashing department. We need washing up liquid, dishwasher powder & bleach.

    Jer & Evah came in after last call & helped me dehead Mopey & put him on Gran's chesterfield 4 the nite.
    When I got home, it was 4:30 am & the parlour was empty. Sux 2b me.

    Sekrit sum1, I cant w8 ne longer. Meet me bhind the dumpster during evening break.

  • At 11:18 AM, Anonymous duncan anderson's silhouette said…


    Your secret someone definitely came to the parlour last night. You know that when it is dark in that parlour, it is difficult to tell the difference between someone and their silhouette. I think your secret someone left the parlour a lot happier than when she arrived.

    Your silhouette

  • At 11:21 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, lemme tell u, one of the thingz u do not wanna do is take a mascot head off someone who haz been drinkin’ vodka & chocolate milk. it’s like shakin’ up a soda & removin’ the top. duncan & evah & i tried 2 aim away frum us, but it didn’t work 2 well. howevah, i did learn that if u smell like vodka & chocolate milk, u don’t have ne problemz w/cats or goats sleepin’ on u overnight. it wuz the best rest i had.

    neway, eva abuya didn’t seem rilly upset ‘bout the sitch. normally she’z all, “i’m gonna punch sum1 out” wen sum1 spews on her & nstead she wuz mutterin’ a lotta stuff ‘bout how gr8 duncan wuz in the parlour. i didn’t think duncan wuz that gr8, unless u count hiz ability 2 avoid getting’ mopey mess on him. right aftah we got mopey cleaned up & on the chesterfield, then duncan wuz like runnin’ away sayin’ he hadda get back 2 the parlour. now this made eva mad. she sed, “damn it. he sed he wuz sure he wunted me & now he’s off 2b w/sum othah girl. i’m surprized he haz ne strength left aftah me.”

    i had no idea wut she wuz talkin’ ‘bout. neway, the reasn i smell bad iz i don’t think i found all the mopey bits on me. i’ll hafta 2 try again wen we get a break. @least i still smell bettah than arne.

  • At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Soothsayer said…

    Beware the ides of March.

  • At 11:39 AM, Blogger howard said…

    What foob is that?

  • At 11:41 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    howard, a soothsayer bids u beware the ides of march. read the freakin' titles, u idiot.

  • At 11:43 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Slightly older little sis. I must send you my congratulations on how well your conversation with Mr. Anthony Caine seems to have been going. I had instructed Anthony that one of the things you were looking for in a man was someone who was like our dad, and it seems he has taken it to heart by talking to you as if he were our dad (except, thankfully removing the constant chatter about model trains).

    As you can tell, Anthony is very concerned that you are sure about what you want and whom you want. That was the big problem in his first marriage, and I, for one, am quite happy to see that he is addressing that issue right off the bat with you, so we don’t have a repeat of that same bad situation. Everyone knows that when Anthony was with his Quebecoise wife, she did not know what she wanted and whom she wanted. If she did know what she wanted then there would not have been all that complaining when Anthony bought Gordon Mayes’ old house in Milborough and not a house in the city. After all, it is people who don’t know what they want that complain about the things they get. Hum! I think I have my logic reversed here. Someone who complains about a house purchase usually wants something other than the house being purchased, so that means that Thérèse did know what she wanted and Anthony knew what he wanted, and it wasn’t the same thing. So, maybe what Anthony really wanted to say was that he wants you to be sure that you want the same things he wants. That makes more sense.

    However, the other statement is completely clear. He wants you to be sure about whom you want. Obviously his ex-wife didn’t know that or she would not have been a complete raging, jealous woman when you first met her, with her constant complaints about Anthony spending even the slightest time with you. If Thérèse had known whom she wanted, then there would have been no jealousy whatsoever; because, as everyone knows, people who don’t know whom they want are often jealous over that person that they don’t know that they want. Hum! My logic seems to have gotten messed up again. This is unusual for me. I expect it is just the excitement over you finally having a conversation with Anthony.

    In any case, the point is that Anthony is thinking about your feeling and your wants, and based on his history, he wants you to be sure about whatever they are (and I think he is hinting that it would help if they were the same wants as his wants).

    Congratulations again,
    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:11 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    Ugly Brother, I don't like your post, because it's too confusing, except the part where you say "congratulations," that part is OK.

    April, stop being so impatient. The end of this story is worth waiting for. I can't tell you what it is, of course, but it's a very good ending, I'm happy with it.


  • At 1:14 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    we are having a v. weird time in barbados. it's kind of like a shakespearean "bed" comedy in some parts, except in others it's like julius caesar.


  • At 5:53 PM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    I think I'll put money on Perdita dumping Arne Thursday, if it would mean he'd leave faster.
    I had to go get Duncan's dishwashing list in town this afternoon, and Arne came along, since he had to pick up some things at the newspaper stand. When I picked him up later he was quite excited in that worrying way he has when he's about to come up with a really, really stupid idea.
    "I was getting my copy of Magician Monthly when some old hag next to the tabs said, "Beware the Ides of March." I said, what?, and the guy at the cash said, the Ides of March, mon, and I walked out and realized, the Ides of March, that's a great illusion, and I'll do it on Friday, or Saturday, whenever it works as the fitting climax to a week of illusion and prestidigation!"
    I really couldn't think of anything to say at that point, but right then Arne wanted to be dropped off at what looked like a very small national forest.


  • At 6:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, i m kinda scared 2 know what kinda illusion arne thinx the ides of march is.


  • At 7:57 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i know it looked rilly suspicious wen u came frum FOH 2 BOH & found bambi von bon bon coachin’ andy, charles wallace & me on proper use of a squeegie. i didn’t ask bambi 2 come 2 the BOH & while she wuz there nothin’ happed. u asked her 2 come back 2 the front, cuz zandra wuz gone w/her uncle 2 get duncan's dishwashing list in town & u needed the help. u asked her 2 leave, & thass it.

    ok, well that wuzn’t completely it, cuz that story rilly duzn’t xxplain y charles wallace wuz puttin’ her demonstration on youtube. so, rilly she came back cuz charles wallace invited her & thass it.

    ok, well that wuzn’t completely it, cuz that story rilly duzn’t xxplain y andy wuz covered in pudding & souse & y bambi wuz using her squeegie demonstration 2 clean him off. uc duncan took andy ovah 2 kfc 4 sum pudding & souse & wen he came back 2 the BOH & bambi sed 2 him, “sekret sum1. y don’t u come on ovah here since zandra iz out?” then 4 sum reasn duncan wuz all startled & jumped & all the pudding & souse he wuz carrying fell all ovah andy & then he kinda ran off. so, if u include the part ‘bout the pudding & souse then thass it.

    ok, well that wuzn’t completely it, cuz that story rilly duzn’t xxplain y perdita wuz beatin’ mopey the mascot frum mayes midtown motors ‘round the axle sayin’ “how dare u tell me who i am free 2 talk 2?” while mopey wuz cryin’ ‘bout how givin’ ladies permission 2 talk iz considered 2b romantic. i’m not rilly sure y that wuz happenin’ but i do know that wen bambi got 2 the part of her squeegie demonstration that involved a lotta bendin’ ovah & mopey stopped 2 look, thass prolly wen perdita clubbed him across the head w/that cricketer bat. & thass y he wuz lyin’ on the ground & perdita wuz sayin’ “iz that sure enuff 4u?” so, if u include the part ‘bout mopey & perdita then thass it.

    ok, well that wuzn’t completely it, cuz that story rilly duzn’t xxplain y wilco the rabbit wuz sittin’ inside bambi’s shirt takin’ notes. uc, the rabbit haz a script he iz tryin’ 2 finish writing a new soap opera 4 radio-canada: "la petite maison avec les trains." & …um…u know i rilly wish i wuz workin’ in the front w/u. thingz r simpler there.

  • At 9:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i miss u, 2, jeremy. don't worry, i believe u and trust u.

    btw, i heard arne saying "penn jilette is a sellout! dancing with stars my illusionist arse!" that was kinda weird.


  • At 10:07 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    I nevah squeal, but mayb 2morrow u want 2 check out KFC & c what day of the week they sell pudding & souse.

    Sekret sum1, 2nite is ours.

    Your attentive wld-b lovah,
    Duncan Anderson
    Head Dishwasher
    Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's LLP


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