April's Real Blog

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Liz yells at Warren

Liz sent me another e-mail and here's what she wrote:

I know your readers are dying to hear what happened next the night Warren dropped by my apartment. Well, after I made him coffee, we sat down at my kitchen table and I told him, "Warren you do NOT love me. If you did, you wouldn't have dumped me so many times!" Warren said, "I never dumped you!" I said, "Right! --You'd cancel dates, then show up unannounced... You'd leave town without telling me! You'd be here for six weeks, then gone for a month. --I never knew where you were, or what you were doing!" I was going to add that every time I saw him, he looked different so I could hardly tell who he was, but before I had a chance, he said, "Liz... That's the nature of the job!!" Notice he said, "Liz," not like Anthony who almost always says "Elizabeth" these days, because he got my memo. I pointed a finger at him and said, "No, it's not... it's the nature of YOU!!"

Then I was so angry because he forced me to be direct with him and tell him exactly what bothered me, after all these years of not telling him but leaving my hints. Mom says Pattersons do not believe in directness, she says it's "vulgar." Anthony and I never discuss things directly, except in our thought bubbles. It's called tact.

Anyway, April, there's more to tell, but I won't tell you yet. You'll thank me for keeping the Mike stories away for as long as I can.

True that, anything to keep the Mike stories @ bay. Mike stories and flashbacks, both R bad. Mike stories in flashback = the worst.

U know, Liz, if U'd just told Warren how mad U were back when he went 2 Yellowknife, insteada just mouth-raspberrying the fone after telling him all was fine, mayB U2 wda had a proper breakup and he wdna quit his job out of the blue.


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  • At 9:20 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, well that wuz weird. did this rilly happ? i know i saw it, but it's almost like my mind duzn't believe it.

    did gerald rilly say 2u, "april u do not luv me. if u did, u wudn't have dumped me so many times!"? then u sed, "i only dumped u once & the othah tyme wuz mutual." then gerald sed, "right! u'd cancel d8s 4 the band, then u show up unannounced @new years. u'd leave ur house w/o telling me! u'd b here 4 six weeks, then gone for a holiday. --i nevah knew where u were, or what u were doing!" then u sed, "ru usin' drugz?" then gerald sed, "no april, actin' irrationally & makin' up stories 'bout thingz that happed that nevah happed iz part of the patterson courtship process accordin' 2 this pamplet frum the johnston institute 4 bettah living "How to Court a Patterson woman and not be Put in a Mental Hospital" . april... that's the nature of the job!!" then u sed, "get it thru ur thick head that just cuz guys do this kinda stuff w/my sis & it works, it will not work 4 me. we had a whole 18 months b4 we graduate & it coulda been the best 18 months of our relationship & u blew it cuz u have this idea i am gonna be like the rest of my fam. i am not like my fam! i am not!" then u did that thing u know wut it wuz & u sed, "wud ne member of my family do this?" well, gerald fainted wen he saw wut u did, which i am not gonna repeat here, cuz u don't need ne1 2 use ur blog 4 evidence. then u went off 2 the principal's office & they called ur mom. did ur mom rilly say she wuz done b-ing ur 'rent 2 the principal? that wuz rilly weird. i'd say it wuz worth it just 2c the look on gerald's face b4 he fainted. that wuz rilly cube. i'll cu aftah detention. ur the best.

  • At 9:58 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, that happed. and i m glad u weren't 2 embarrassed that i used u 4 my lil "demo" of how not like my fam i m. u looked really happy afterwards, so that helped make it v. worth it. yeah, my mom sed that stuff and she looked shocked that the principal was shocked!


  • At 12:48 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I know you are enjoying the intrigues of Elizabeth fending herself off from her mentally unstable, unemployed, homeless ex-boyfriends who visit her in the middle of the night swearing their love and adoration for Elizabeth; but I predict that after awhile of reading about Liz recounting her ex-boyfriends’ faults to them, you will be begging for another story about me and my kids. I know I am already at that point.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:56 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, no embarrassment here. @lunch, eva abuya sed u shoulda punched gerald out. duncan’s anderson’s silhouette sed he wuz a little embarrassed, but since he wuz a silhouette, no1 notices if hiz cheeks get a little red. luis guzmán sed u showed the spirit of a mexican refugee, wutevah that means. & luis’ gf rosario sed she wuz glad u found a peaceful solution 2 ur problem.

    kimberly cheveux-nettoyé found out wut gerald had been sayin’ 2u this week, & she told gerald she wuz done w/him. gerald still seems like he iz in a st8 of shock, but thass just fine by me.

    also, i made sure 2 pick up ur homework 4u, so u will have it aftah ur outa detention.

  • At 1:27 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Marjee Mahaha, Warren Blackwood’s sometime fiancée stopped by the house for breakfast. My wife, Beatrice Alfarero views her a little suspiciously, since I seem to remember we were involved with each other for a brief time while we were both working at Greta "Sugar" Van Rensselaer’s hair salon. Nevertheless, she gets Beatrice’s full sympathy as we read your blog entry from your sister this morning. This is kind of how the discussion went:

    Beatrice: I think I missed something. Elizabeth and Warren Blackwood were together? When did that happen?
    Marjee: I suppose she must be talking about the time after she graduated from university and went to Mtigwaki, before she met Constable Wright. Warren said he used to write her a lot during that time, when things got slow at work.
    Me: Except she says, “You'd leave town without telling me!” That doesn’t sound like that hellhole Mtigwaki. That sounds like he was living in the same town where she was.
    Marjee: Well, then. If that’s the case, then Elizabeth is talking about the time from about January – April, 2007; when Warren was working out of Toronto, doing passenger service for clients of his business. Most other times, he was doing helicopter firefighting work or working transporting material for mining companies, and he had to live in camps close to where the work was.
    Beatrice: So, she’s talking about 4 months? That’s lame. It sounds like her main complaint is that he didn’t keep her up-to-date with where he was working.
    Marjee: Well, why should he? He went with her on one date to that party in Toronto for her brother. Then he was assigned to work in Yellowknife. But her complaint doesn’t make sense. He called her and he said he wouldn’t be back in Milborough for awhile. Did she say she would go to see him in Yellowknife? No. She said she wouldn’t see him for awhile and then she started dating Anthony Caine. Well, Warren called me. I went to visit and we were back together again, until this stuff with Elizabeth started back up again.
    Beatrice: Why do you put up with it?
    Marjee: Warren’s a nice guy, except for this annual obsession with Elizabeth Patterson.
    Beatrice: I know what you mean. Howard gets the same way sometimes.
    Marjee: What do you do about it?
    Beatrice: Well, I have to remember that Howard is a good man in all other ways, and his brief obsessions are temporary. When he starts saying things like, “Elizabeth Patterson is dressing well or looks good”, then I know he is starting to lose it. A good frying pan across the head, and some heavy-duty chain usually does it. Then if he starts howling too much, I put a sock in his mouth.
    Me: I’m not that bad.
    Beatrice: Of course you’re not bad. It’s simply a case of precaution. Never trust your man around Elizabeth Patterson.

    That’s what I remember, but Marjee may have some things to add.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 2:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i heard that after she dumped ger, kimberly cheveux-nettoyé shaved her head and changed her name to kimberly tête-rasée. she's a weird girl.

    thanx 4 picking up my h'work!

    uh, no, mike. i don't think so w/the wishing we'd go back 2 yr stories.


  • At 2:53 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    Chica. It seems to me that your sister has not experienced the love of a hot, Latino male such as me. If I were to “dump her” then she would know what it means to be dumped. With these frozen, white boys she cannot tell the difference between “not calling when you take a business trip” and “dumping”. There are people in Milborough, who might think your sister doesn’t know the difference, because the only way a man has left her before is in the arms of another woman. I think differently. It is because your sister has never dated a hot-blooded, fiery Latino. If I came by her apartment after 10, we would not be sharing coffee and talking, like two old women.

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 3:05 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, kimberly is kinda weird w/those name changes. but she haz been tellin’ every1 she wuz plannin’ 2 cut her off for this wig charity, but it also worked 2 make sum kinda point w/gerald.

  • At 9:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, that was pretty cube of kimberly (don8ing her hair). she's a weird girl, but i guess she has a good heart, eh?



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