April's Real Blog

Friday, February 29, 2008

Transformers? Bwuh?

Liz sent me another e-mail:

Yay, we're still on me! I had a nightmare that we switched back to Mike and that he had a story about making some Kraft Dinner for those kids of his, but that they dumped it down the sink and Mike sent them to bed without supper while thinking a pun. I'm so glad we're on me!

Like I started to tell you, Candace and Rudy were at my apartment and Candace had asked me about how things were going with Anthony. And I told them that thing about taking things one day at a time. Well, Candace asked me some syko-babbly question about how compatible we are, and when I stared at her without answering, because I remember I had to learn "compatible" in a vocab quiz once but hadn't thought about the word in ages, she kind of sighed and said, "Are you and Anthony well matched?" I thought about how we are always finding we are wearing the same shade of brown or mustard yellow or eggplant, and I said, "Yes, we are pretty well matched." Candace had to get all competitive by saying, "Rudy and I are pretty well-matched too, Liz. We just sort of 'click', I guess." By then, we were all standing up, and Candace and I were holding our mugs. I saw that Candace was facing Shiimsa, who was on the counter, and I thought, "Oh, yeah, I have a cat."

Then I realized that Rudy was talking again, I think he heard about how Pattersons are always doing the best wordplay and he wanted to show off, because he started to gesture with his two hands, like he was pretending to open a jar, and he said, "Like those Transformers! You know, you get some goofy monster thing, then... click-click, you fudge around it and it turns into a car or something!?" Candace had put her mug down and picked up Shiimsa. I was putting my mug on the coffee table, and Candace was asking Rudy, "You're comparing me to a Transformer?" And Rudy said, "Nope! No psychoanalysis, Candace. You know what I mean. It's the way we figure each other out!" I sat on the couch and felt myself looking like Mike with a confused look on my face while Candace answered, "A 'goofy monster thing'?" Then Rudy sat next to me on the couch, grabbed his right foot, and said, "Click, click, click" while leaning in like he was going to put his face onto his foot. Candace asked, "What are you doing?" And Rudy said, "Putting my other foot in my mouth!" And I laughed. Because I saw there was no way Rudy was flexible enough to put his foot in his mouth. I said, "Maybe April can do that, with those yoga classes she takes, April does stuff like that to be annoying and maybe so that she can put her foot in my mouth." And then I laughed some more because I pictured you, April, with both feet in your mouth! Ha, ha, ha, I'm laughing all over again thinking about that!

More tomorrow.

Liz, FYI, putting your foot in your mouth is an expression. When you say the wrong thing and realize you've accidentally insulted someone, that's called putting your foot in your mouth. And in case you care, I'm flexible enuf 2 put my feet behind my head, but I never put my feet in my mouth (at least not literally). Oh, and memo to Rudy, Transformers are "robots in disguise." Not "goofy monster things."


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  • At 6:54 AM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    April, quit being such a show off, with your expressions and flexibleness. It's my turn to tell stories now! Picky-face!


  • At 8:55 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur sis may complain, but i think it's gr8 how flexible ur. ur incredible wen u do that feet b-hind ur head thing & ur so good u can evn put ur feet b-hind my head & that makes things...um...i think i better stop talkin' now.

  • At 9:50 AM, Anonymous Optimus Prime said…

    Fascinating, young human April. This "Rudy" creature talks about being a Transformer with his mate, yet your same-factory "sister" seems to have mastered turning into your same-factory "brother" quite well.

    Has she aquired some Cybertonian technology, perchance?

  • At 11:34 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i think u understand now y i m so interested in getting more an' more flexible. i just got this idea... oh, w8, i'd better just tell u when i c u during lunch.

    optimus prime, i don't have an answer 4 u, but it v. disturbing how liz loox so much like mike l8ly.

    liz, i can't even say NETHING 2 u w/out u getting offended. hm, i think i mite know how rudy feels.


  • At 4:39 PM, Anonymous Optimus Prime said…

    Young human April. Our Autobot scanners have been monitoring the earth searching for signs of the evil Decepticons led by the villainous Megatron. After Teletraan 1's search engines stumbled on "Transformers" in your blog, I began investigating.

    After my initial surprise in your factory-sister's transformer abilities, I began an investigation to your town "Milborough." What I found was quite shocking. Many unusual things that do not make sense to me as I understand your world (admittedly limited).

    For instance, your former dwelling seems to possess transformation capabilities such sliding hallways and doors around seemingly at random. Having lived in a transforming city myself, I can tell you being in a structure that can rearrange itself can be quite frustrating, as I'm sure you are aware.

    Additionally, I did some bioscans of some of your townsfolk and had more disturbing findings. Besides your sister, most of the townspeople have the (seemingly uncontrolled) ability to transform themselves into an all-black "stealth mode," seemingly at random. This is high level technology beyond the current abilities of earth biomechanical engineers.

    These is not the only alarming things. We did a cursory background search on your manufacturer, one Elly Patterson, and saw a major tranformation beyond just your normal human aging, particluarly her olfactory sensor. While I'm aware humans often get cosmetic upgrades from your mechanics for better mating purposes, my research shows the olfactory sensor is generally downgraded, not upgraded. I have a horrible suspicion she's been upgraded to be a Nosemaster, and has a small, detachable being on her faceplate.

    Additionally, I bioscanned one Anthony Caine, an aquaintance of yours. Our pheromone sensors usually tells us the gender of a biological being, this one strangely came back "undetermined." Also, don't you humans require a spinal column to walk upright? Most curious. Our good friend Chip Chase would like to talk to him.

    I have found many references to a powerful sorceress that appears to have a control of some kind on this town. I have a sneaking suspicion she is in league with none other than the Evil Megatron!If this is true she must be stopped...not matter what the cost.

    I am sending a recon team to your town soon. Will be in touch.

    PS: I recommend you stay away from your father's trains. Megatron's nefarious minions come in all shapes and sizes!

  • At 5:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i def live in a weird town w/plenty of weird ppl, esp. my fam and our houses.


  • At 6:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, jeremy just sent me a txt saying that it's my turn 2 tell u sum more abt our adventure w/the treasure map that rosario pulled out of the crawl space in the mboro yoga centre.

    our 1st stop had been lawrence's biz, lakeshore landscaping, where we got the cheezy vase from mexico, with the "$" on it. then our next stop was the pool hall my cousin fiona brass runs, where we got the brief case w/the tan fake fur, dark-brown paw-pad pattern, and "mantener fuera de la injerencia niños" written in purple, cartoon script. (luis translated that 4 us as "keep away from meddling kids.")

    neway, once we had the briefcase, we all went 2 eva's mansion and settled in 2 the private movie theatre. i opened the brief case and the only thing inside was a scrap of paper with this written on it: "D = E; S = T; R=S"." @ 1st we were all kinda "bwuh?" but then eva was like, "lemme c that map again?"

    jeremy gave it 2 her and she pted 2 where it sed, "dzs lnqd ozrsqhdr." she was like, "cd this b a cryptogram?" i was like, "let's try it."

    i substituted all the "d's" w/"e's," all the "s's" w/"t's," and all the "r's" w/"s's." this gave us this:

    E(z)T (l)(n)(q)E (o)(z)ST(q)(h)ES

    i was like, "mayB the 1st word is 'eat.' let's try subbing all the z's w/a's. so we had:

    EAT (l)(n)(q)E (o)AST(q)(h)ES

    i was like, "if this map has nething 2 do w/my mom, that last word hasta be "pastries." so we tried that:


    the jeremy blurted out:

    "thass it! 'eat more pastries!'"

    then it was kinda like, "now what?" and we all agreed it was time 2 go home and we'd try an' think all this thru b4 we had a chance 2 meet again.


  • At 8:05 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, the real problem iz w/this map iz that there hazn’t been ne real treasure,eh? i mean the only thing u can rilly say ‘bout this treasure we found in the crawl space iz that sumthin’ haz actually happed every day ‘cuz of it. insteada like talkin’ ‘bout dress cleanin’ or transformers. sum action nsteada yackin’, eh?

    plus the last place on the map we haven’t looked is the one w/the picture of an old woman wearing beach wear, who looks like
    she wunts sum luvvin’ on a drawin’ table
    . i think every1 is afraid of her. u know like it might b wut iz rilly there & not a symbol 4 sumthin’ else. that wud b scary.

    b-sides, i have been thinkin' 'bout that thing u told me ovah lunch all day. can u rilly do that? not that i think ur lyin' or nethin', it's just like 1 of thoze thingz guys say is like their number #1 thing they wish their gf cud do, eh?

    i can't w8 2c u do it. i just have 1 question. y did u say u hadda pick up all ur dad's trains & check 2c if they were transformers b4 u do it?

  • At 8:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, my mind just started thinking up all kinds of scary things my dad's trains cd do if they were transformers, and that if i were doing that thing i told u abt, they cd.... ugh, i gave myself the heebee jeebees. i'm coming over 2 yr house, c u in 10 mins!


  • At 8:47 PM, Anonymous Bumblebee said…

    Codename Bumblebee: Activate: Operation: Being April's Car

  • At 9:13 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…


  • At 10:12 PM, Anonymous Bumblebee said…

    I'm glad you got over your shock, little human! Don't mind me, I 'm just here to keep an eye out for the time being.

    Sorry I had to "dispose" of your hybrid, but I think I recreated myself into a reasonable facisimle! Plus my fuel efficiency is beyond that of your earth cars, so I'm even more "Green friendly," as you say. Ha ha ha!

    Just let me know where you want to go, and I'll take you there! I'll be waiting for you after you converse with your friend Jeremy. I have to go check some stuff out.

    At your service!

  • At 1:10 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, u know that thing we like 2 do in ur car wen we r parked behind mr. singh's store where no1 can c us? well, i don't think i can do that while ur car radio iz playin' bow-chicka-wow-wow musick.


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