April's Real Blog

Friday, February 22, 2008

A Roomy Room of Robin's Own

Have U been dying 2 know how Robin reacted 2 his new room? No? I didn't think so. NEway, Mike came by 2 share:

Formerly little sis. If there is one piece of advice our father gave me which I cherish to this day, it is the advice, “When your wife decides to decorate, that’s when you should evacuate.” I truly did not realize the degree to which this was true until we got into our new house. I swear to you, April, that my daughter and son’s previously combined bedroom changed decorations so often, sometimes I couldn’t even tell if my son’s crib was in the room. There would be shelves behind the bed or not. There would be shelves to the side of the bed or the crib. The picture on the wall behind the bed changed regularly.

Once I decided that my son needed a room all to his own, my wife went into a frenzy of redecorating and did not even let my son go into the room until she was completely done. She even placed his name on the door in big letters, so he would not be confused about which bedroom was his (which was a problem in the past, as you may well remember from the time you woke up with him in your former room, the rec room).

On the day of the grand entrance, my wife, the lovely Deanna, pushed him forth by his shoulders and said, “Go in, Robin! You have your own room now. …Your own private space!” On this first day in, my wife had opted for the shelves behind the bed and the menagerie of stuff animals lining the top of the shelf, in front of the picture mounted on the wall, which changed every time you looked at it. My wife loves those kinds of pictures. Me personally, constantly changing pictures makes me a little nervous, like you get around an inconsistent artist.

My wife was fishing for compliments and said to my son, “Isn’t this cozy?” while forgetting he was not a 60-year-old woman, but a 3-year-old boy. Then she said, “Why don’t you try the bed on for size!” which was another odd statement since this was my daughter’s former bed and my son had slept there just a few weeks ago. Sometimes when Deanna gets into a decorating mood, she loses her ability to speak sensibly and coherently. I have to remember this particular aspect of my wife, especially when she says things like, “Mike, why don’t you get a big hammer and remove this wall!”

Well, my son laid in the middle of my daughter’s old bed, and according my wife, did a fair impression of someone being crucified, even including the awkward positioning of his body and the pained expression on his face. Then my wife said that he sat up and stared at the ceiling fan, as if he hadn’t seen that in the room before. Now that I think about it, I don’t remember a ceiling fan in that room either.

According to Deanna, after my son sat in peaceful contemplation, he told her, “The bed fits, but there’s too much room in the room.” I tell you, formerly little sis, when Deanna told me that was what he said, it almost brought tears to my eyes. My son is truly embracing what it means to be a Patterson. He just got a big, new room all to himself; and he has found a way to allow himself to suffer while he is in it. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. You know, a man tries and tries to be a good father and to show his children the way of life required for being a Patterson. There is nothing so gratifying as to see all that time pay off, in just the few small words of a child.

Michael Patterson
Hm, I thot U were gonna say U were all proud cuz Robin tried 2 do wordplay (room/room), but I guess I can C how yr pride abt him acting like a martyr mite overshadow that. So, Liz, it's 4 stories like this that U R being kept in limbo?


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  • At 3:14 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I'm kind of starting to like Limbo, there's really no responsibilities here, I found out that even if we don't go to work, people will still pretend like we did, of course Anthony still goes to Gordo's place every day, but I sit home and eat Oreos in my sweatpants, and the great thing is that Frenchy is having nightmares ever since we told her we're not sure if we're ever going back to Milborough, so now she sleeps in our bed with us, I put her beween me and Anthony, so there is no more of that prefianceeal "relief" stuff, Frenchy wakes up screaming every time his foot so much as touches mine, it only cost me $10 a week to bribe her to do this, which is cheap if you think about it, I have decided to be "on strike" now that I'm here in Limbo, no reason to try hard when we don't know if we'll ever get to go home again, but I haven't told Anthony yet, it is just starting to dawn on him I think, we'll see, all I know is that seeing Eric and Warren and Paul and Dennis makes me realize if I had just held back more they would of married me, so that is the goal now, I tried sewing myself a burqa, but it came out crooked, I think when it's done it will send the right message though.


  • At 3:49 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Slightly older little sis. Is that putting a Quebecoise child in the bed with you working out well? My wife, the lovely Deanna has started murmuring things about getting started on an “oops” baby sometime before a September deadline; and I might need some extra protection.

    I thought about putting my son in the bed with us, but frankly the idea of waking up in close proximity to his nightly-produced waste materials is even less appealing to me than an “oops” baby. My experience with “oops” babies so far is that they are a miserable experience. Mom often talks about how her “oops” babies wrecked her life, and I know my “oops” baby so far cost me the opportunity to open up my own business with Josef Weeder. I wonder if Josef Weeder would be willing to sleep in between Deanna and me at night, until she gets out this “oops” baby mood.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 4:02 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    I tried out that Limbo place your sister is in. It is a party place. Even I, Luis Guzmán, a muy macho Latino, can only dance under the limbo stick for so long. Eventually, I have to say, “No mas.” There’s too much limbo in the Limbo.

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 4:09 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I don't think Merrie can count as an oops baby, she is a main child, whether or not a baby is an oops depends on whether the mom was surprised or not, like you, you were a surprise to Dad but not to Mom, so you are not an oops, same with Merrie, Dee planned her, so she is a Main Child, but definitely, oops babies ruin life not just for you but for the main kids, you weren't around to know how horrible an oops baby could be, April ruined my life, but I wouldn't worry too much, your kids are still young, so Dee won't get an oops baby, those only happen when there aren't any little cute kids anymore, and the Good Witch needs someone young and full of beans to liven up life in Milborough, then when they get old, she forgets all about them, but the point is, your existing kids are supposed to be the lively ones, hey, maybe if you get them to be more lively, that will make Dee forget about an oops baby, I wouldn't recommend the Quebecoise child in the bed, it works, but she asks too many questions, like, "How can a Special Needs woman get a teaching certificate?" and "How can a functionally illiterate twit have a bestselling novel?", it's really annoying, and besides, nobody knows the answers to hypothetical questions like that, right?


  • At 4:11 PM, Blogger howard said…


    The people from Matango came by the house looking for recruits. I sent them over to your brother’s place to talk to your sister-in-law. The way her hair has been looking lately, I think she would be an obvious choice for them.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 4:43 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Slightly older little sis. I would not be sure how to answer all the questions your Québecoise child would have but, "How can a functionally illiterate twit have a bestselling novel?" is an easy answer. My old boss, Mitch Frenum had a book out which some people bought called, “Divala: The Real Truth from a Real Journalist”.

    As for “oops” babies, I would normally agree with your assessment as to when they are scheduled and their relative birth importance; however, my wife has gotten notice of this deadline and keeps saying, “Oops by September, or no cute kids to remember.”

    Michael Patterson

  • At 5:04 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i can’t believe ur mom won’t let u go out 2nite. wut happed? wut wuz that biz she sed wen she pointed @ur shoes & sed, “there’s 2 much sneaker in ur sneakers”? & then wen she pointed @me & sed, “there’s 2 much jonesin’ in that jones.” wut wuz up w/that?

  • At 6:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i don't know, jeremy. my mom has been "off" l8ly. she sed sumthing abt how she can't let her grandson get all the wordplay. she's been impossible!


  • At 7:56 PM, Anonymous qnjones said…

    Ugly Brother,

    If Dee is so interested in an oops baby, why did she give the crib away, or are you going to make your oops baby sleep on the pull-out couch in the basement?, that is where oops babies belong anyway.


  • At 8:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    we do NOT! gah!


  • At 8:56 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Slightly older little sis. As you aptly pointed out earlier, the oops baby is supposed to be a surprise to the man. I think this may have been one of my wife’s motivations for getting rid of the crib in addition to trying to eliminate my son’s unnatural attachment to his best friend, Cribbie.

    As for my knowledge of the oops baby deadline, I think it occurred because (thanks to being a kept man), I am kept man who gets the mail first. Anything from the Johnston Institute for Better Living gets opened right away, especially if it’s addressed to Deanna and not to me (a trick Dad taught me).

    As for where the oops baby would sleep, the pull-out chesterfield is a possibility. All the upstairs bedrooms are occupied, and I can’t think of where else to put a newborn oops baby. House boat in the ravine, perhaps?

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:30 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, i think liz meant that the "oops" baby is a surprise 2 both parents. like i was 2 mom and dad. and if u wd seriously consider putting a poor, defenseless baby in a "house boat in the ravine," u shd take measures 2 make sure NEVER have more children. u know, go 2 the dr and get a vasectomy.


  • At 3:07 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I think there comes a time in every parent’s life where they have to admit that, despite having gotten the best example possible of parenting from their mother (like our mother for us), there are some things which defy your expectations.

    For example, this week I have been telling you the riveting story about how I realized that the way to solve the problem with my children teasing and bickering and fighting all the time, was to put the kids each in their own room. Sure enough, as I was taking off my socks to go to bed…by the way, did I tell you how much starch my wife Deanna has been putting in my socks lately? You won’t believe this, but I can literally push the sock off my foot and the sock stands up straight off my toes. It is quite amazing to see. Where was I? I was taking off my sock, and Deanna was putting on her pink pair of pyjamas, as she leaned against the bed. I don’t know if you have ever seen Deanna putting on clothes or pyjamas before, but she doesn’t sit on the bed, just leans against it. What was I saying? Oh, that’s right. Deanna said, “Well, that’s done! The kids each have their own room.”

    I responded, “Finally!” and followed that with my explanation, “I was so tired of their teasing and bickering and fighting.” Once you have the solution to a problem which had been annoying me, it is a great thing to be able to say that the solution is in place. No more teasing. No more bickering. No more fighting. And all this is due to my saying to Deanna that we needed to spend the money to buy the bed which would bring peace to the house. We had to buy on sale, but the point is the problem is solved. Deanna agreed with me and said, “Yes. It was definitely time.”

    Well, I was buttoning my pyjamas and having a difficult time with it, because these were those kind of pyjamas to button which did not have visible buttons. After I was finished, I decided to step into the hallway between my room and the kids’ room, put my hand to my ear in order to hear better, and also to let the cameraman know that I was listening. I said to my wife, “And…listen! No noise! --They’re actually SLEEPING!” I said that last part a little too loud, and my wife said to me, “Good move!” I said in a much quieter voice, “Yeah.”

    You see, April, the way it used to be was that my children would tease and bicker and fight most of the night long. This is why it was so shocking to hear them sleep for a change. Deanna said to me, “They are so quiet, Mike. Either they are dead, or they are running around outside the house.” Well, I had to confirm what was happening. We went into my daughter’s bedroom and what should we find there, but my daughter and my son sleeping together on the same lower bump bed? They were sound asleep with “Z” coming out of them.

    It was at this point, I had to revise my initial thesis. The children were not teasing or bickering or fighting all the time; and yet they had managed to go to sleep without a night long battle. How was this possible?

    First I had to analyze the differences. They were both sleeping in the same room and in the same bed without my having to use an egg timer; so my theory that the reason they were teasing and bickering and fighting all the time was not related to them being in the same room.

    Before they were sleeping in the same room in different beds, and now they are sleeping in the same room, but in a brand new bed. The answer was obvious, the teasing and bickering and fighting was caused by poor quality mattresses on their previous beds. Of course, bump beds don’t have very good mattresses on them; so it had to be a different explanation.

    Then I realized the answer. Both of my children must have been gotten into the bump beds, knocked themselves unconscious with the “bump”; but not before pulling the covers over their body. But, on closer inspection, I saw that they did not have any marks on them from running into the bed and losing consciousness.

    So, it occurred to me there might be something about the bed. My daughter used to sleep on a bed with sides, and my son used to sleep in a crib, with sides; so the difference is in the sides. Perhaps with this new found freedom of being able to fall out of bed at night, my son and daughter decided to test their ability to stay in bed with the worst possible conditions of being in the same bed at the same time. Honestly, I didn’t think my son and daughter were that ambitious.

    Then another answer occurred to me. My son had said yesterday that there was too much room in the room. Perhaps, what he meant was that in order to keep from teasing or bickering or fighting all the time; he and his sister needed to be in a room that had less room in the room. Well, with that giant bump bed in an L-shape between the top and bottom bump, I mean bunk, it certainly takes up almost all the room in my daughter’s room.

    This means I could have solved the problem years ago, by not insisting that Deanna keep their room so clutter-free. Perhaps this is the reason I teased and bickered or fought all the time with my sister. If mom had not been such a good cleaner, we might have gotten along better. No, that’s not right. I already know I teased my sister, because she deserved it from being cuter than I was.

    Then it occurred to me that the reason they stopped the teasing or bickering or fighting all the time, even though they were sleeping in the same room and in the same bed, was the peace of mind which comes from knowing you don’t have to sleep in the same room, but choose to do so anyway.

    You see what I mean about defying explanations, little sis. My wife Deanna said to me simply, “Mike. What’s important is not understanding why they have stopped teasing or bickering or fighting all the time; but they that have stopped.” That is why my wife and I get along so well. It is her simple, homespun, wisdom.

    Michael Patterson


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