Bathtime Flashback

We've made it 2 Thursday, foax. If we R v. v. lucky, we R only in the current round of flashback torture for another 2 days. Only? NEway, Mike is in the mood 4 reminiscing abt when Mom bathed him. Bleah:

April,

Formerly little sis. I have discovered that one of the unfortunate side effects of remembering about wanting to play in dirt or sticking a toilet on your head, is that it brings up the unpleasant memory of having to be bathed. I mentioned back on Monday that mom was not really keen on the bathing, and that’s why we had those bugs flying around our heads. Well most people didn’t notice the bugs. In fact, April, you denied that they even existed; but that’s what comes from having a mother who is much more interested in having a clean house than a clean child.

Every once in awhile, Lizzie or I would get so dirty that we would pass a certain threshold of dirtiness, which required us to be cleaned. I think that threshold was usually when Anne Nichols or Connie Poirier would make some off hand comment about how I was starting have the same skin colour as Lawrence, or something about an offensive odour. I don’t know for sure; but I do know that when this threshold was passed, I had to take a bath.

Mom is an excellent cook and housecleaner, but she left a little to desire with respect to bathing kids. I suspect that she considered cleaning children to be not unlike removing a stain from a piece of furniture; because after being bathed by mom, I usually felt as though I had gone through a wrestling match and lost badly.

For example, I remember one occasion where I was sitting in the bath tub with the bubbles just right and I was playing with my boat, The Windjammer, and my little featureless action figure; when mom dumped shampoo on my head and started scrubbing away. Naturally I said, “AAAAGH! Noo! I don’t want my hair washed, Ma! CUT IT OUT!” Of course my pleas fell on deaf ears.

Namely they were my ears, after mom started scrubbing them with her wash cloth. She pinned my right arm between the bathtub and her right arm, which she used to get me in a headlock. Then she started vigourously scrubbing my left ear with her left arm. You know one of the most sensitive parts of your body is your ears, and a powerful scrubbing of them can be quite painful. I remember yelling, “Lay off the ears! You know how I hate water in my EARS!” This is quite true. After a bath from mom, not only were my ears sore and tender, but I often couldn’t hear well from the water in them for a few days afterwards.

Mom was not sympathetic to my plight and I could sense my Windjammer sailing away from me to safety. I just wish the rest of me could go there with it; because then mom would grab my right arm and jerk it upwards as she slapped a wash cloth so heavily across my ribs, it would make me bug-eyed and stick out my tongue from having the breath knocked out of me. Sometimes I would get a little faint from the blows and imagine my foot was detached from the rest of my body. As this was going on I could hear mom say, “Enough, Michael—You need a scrubbing—You are filthy!”

As mom locked her left arm around my back, and shoved a wash cloth into my right ear, I protested, “I AM NOT! YOU JUST LOOK TOO CLOSE!!” These kinds of protestations were rarely effective, particularly since they complimented mom on some cleaning she noticed need to be done. If mom was on a real cleaning rampage, sometimes the pain elicited from the ear-scrubbing alone could cause me to pass out. I am not sure if that happened on this occasion; but it probably did. I’ll ask mom.

If I passed out, then I will reminisce about something else tomorrow. If I didn’t pass out, then there will be more reminiscing about bath time. I know you can’t wait to find out which one.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike? FYI, I take a shower every day and use soap and shampoo. It's one thing 4 U 2 say U had bugs flying around U cuz Mom didn't wash U well enuf when U were 2 little 2 handle yr own hygiene, but it's another 2 claim that present-day me has this issue. I don't! I'm clean! Gah!

But that bath story is pretty awful. Sounds v. painful. MayB this helps xxplain sum of Y U R the way U R, Mike.

Apes