April's Real Blog

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Bathtime Flashback

We've made it 2 Thursday, foax. If we R v. v. lucky, we R only in the current round of flashback torture for another 2 days. Only? NEway, Mike is in the mood 4 reminiscing abt when Mom bathed him. Bleah:

Formerly little sis. I have discovered that one of the unfortunate side effects of remembering about wanting to play in dirt or sticking a toilet on your head, is that it brings up the unpleasant memory of having to be bathed. I mentioned back on Monday that mom was not really keen on the bathing, and that’s why we had those bugs flying around our heads. Well most people didn’t notice the bugs. In fact, April, you denied that they even existed; but that’s what comes from having a mother who is much more interested in having a clean house than a clean child.

Every once in awhile, Lizzie or I would get so dirty that we would pass a certain threshold of dirtiness, which required us to be cleaned. I think that threshold was usually when Anne Nichols or Connie Poirier would make some off hand comment about how I was starting have the same skin colour as Lawrence, or something about an offensive odour. I don’t know for sure; but I do know that when this threshold was passed, I had to take a bath.

Mom is an excellent cook and housecleaner, but she left a little to desire with respect to bathing kids. I suspect that she considered cleaning children to be not unlike removing a stain from a piece of furniture; because after being bathed by mom, I usually felt as though I had gone through a wrestling match and lost badly.

For example, I remember one occasion where I was sitting in the bath tub with the bubbles just right and I was playing with my boat, The Windjammer, and my little featureless action figure; when mom dumped shampoo on my head and started scrubbing away. Naturally I said, “AAAAGH! Noo! I don’t want my hair washed, Ma! CUT IT OUT!” Of course my pleas fell on deaf ears.

Namely they were my ears, after mom started scrubbing them with her wash cloth. She pinned my right arm between the bathtub and her right arm, which she used to get me in a headlock. Then she started vigourously scrubbing my left ear with her left arm. You know one of the most sensitive parts of your body is your ears, and a powerful scrubbing of them can be quite painful. I remember yelling, “Lay off the ears! You know how I hate water in my EARS!” This is quite true. After a bath from mom, not only were my ears sore and tender, but I often couldn’t hear well from the water in them for a few days afterwards.

Mom was not sympathetic to my plight and I could sense my Windjammer sailing away from me to safety. I just wish the rest of me could go there with it; because then mom would grab my right arm and jerk it upwards as she slapped a wash cloth so heavily across my ribs, it would make me bug-eyed and stick out my tongue from having the breath knocked out of me. Sometimes I would get a little faint from the blows and imagine my foot was detached from the rest of my body. As this was going on I could hear mom say, “Enough, Michael—You need a scrubbing—You are filthy!”

As mom locked her left arm around my back, and shoved a wash cloth into my right ear, I protested, “I AM NOT! YOU JUST LOOK TOO CLOSE!!” These kinds of protestations were rarely effective, particularly since they complimented mom on some cleaning she noticed need to be done. If mom was on a real cleaning rampage, sometimes the pain elicited from the ear-scrubbing alone could cause me to pass out. I am not sure if that happened on this occasion; but it probably did. I’ll ask mom.

If I passed out, then I will reminisce about something else tomorrow. If I didn’t pass out, then there will be more reminiscing about bath time. I know you can’t wait to find out which one.

Michael Patterson
Mike? FYI, I take a shower every day and use soap and shampoo. It's one thing 4 U 2 say U had bugs flying around U cuz Mom didn't wash U well enuf when U were 2 little 2 handle yr own hygiene, but it's another 2 claim that present-day me has this issue. I don't! I'm clean! Gah!

But that bath story is pretty awful. Sounds v. painful. MayB this helps xxplain sum of Y U R the way U R, Mike.


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  • At 6:52 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    I think it explains a lot about him. Just like your dad hates doing dishes because he can't wash them to your mom's satisfaction, so did her muscular enforcement of the one true way to bathe turn Mike off the weekly soaking. In both occasions, we bear witness to the effects of her self-defeating behavior. Her screaming and moaning make people not want to do what she wants which makes her holler and whine about not getting any help.

  • At 7:38 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, so thass how ur mom gives baths, eh? i guess that xxplains y u reacted the way u did wen i tried 2 wash ur ears that tyme wen we were...um...i think i bettah stop talkin' now.

  • At 12:43 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I know you may have blocked this out, but the same woman who gave me baths when I was little is the same woman who gave you baths when you were little. My bath story may not only explain some of why I am the way I am, but also some of why you are the way you are.

    Take Elizabeth for an example. I can’t help but think that mom’s tooth-brushing and flossing exercises with little Lizzie are a part of the reason she has such a fierce Lizard breath today.

    And just maybe the spot on your head where the little block dots live is a spot on your head where you may have a problem with the way mom washed there during your bathtimes; so even with soap and shampoo used in a shower every day, those little black dots may occasionally appear around your head.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:02 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    If you want to do remembering, this is the kind of thing you should remember, stuff that doesn't involve me, since I was not born in 1979 anyway, but there is still a problem, you still try to drag me into the story in your post on April's blog, by saying about how when "Lizzie or you got dirty," well how could I get dirty in 1979, when the stork didn't even bring me yet?, and then you bring up my supposed lizard breath, which isn't even real, just a pigment of your imagination, you dunderheaded dirty idiot!!!, stop talking about me!


  • At 3:26 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Slightly older little sis. The theme for the week is “how I teased you, but you deserved it because you were cuter than I was”. As you know from the time when you had to sit in a Laundromat and reminisce about me, everything is scheduled and monitored. Since you are the mentioned subject for this week, I have to talk about you.

    As for your Lizard breath, I wish it wasn’t real. It’s just one of the burdens I bear with being your brother, that and the fact you were cuter than I was back in 1979, before the official records say you were born.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, mike seems 2 think that whenev he makes up sum "wordplay" that b-comes true. so 'lizabeth/lizardbreath b-comes, "oh, liz really does have lizard breath" instead of "i do lame things w/words that sound similar 2 ea other."

    i have a feeling i will end up regretting this l8r, since we usually end up fighing, but wanna meet @ the mall this afternoon, after school? we can shop and pretend we r still able 2 live in the present-tense.


  • At 5:49 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. It’s so nice to see you spend time with your sister and also to know that you giving her some confidence, by telling her my comments about her Lizard breath could seem to be simply my word play and not an actual physical condition. I noticed you were very careful not to say directly, “You do not have Lizardbreath”. After all, if Liz thinks about her past carefully, she will realize that others have noticed her breath too.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 5:56 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, remembah we have reservations 2nite & it’s not that i don’t like ur sis, but i wud rilly not want 2 hafta spend v-day dinner & dancin’ w/her, eh? aftah all, the last tyme u got 2gethah w/ur sis 2 go 2 the laundromat, it seemed like that took weeks.

  • At 6:09 PM, Blogger howard said…


    My María is on a date with Paul Mayes for Valentine’s Day. All they are doing it going to the Country Kitchen at Mayes Midtown Motors; where the Mayes can keep an eye on them. My other daughter Ana, who is 2 years older than María is not very happy her younger sister has a date on Valentine’s Day and she does not. So Beatrice and I are going to have some chocolate truffles and watch some romance movies with Ana, while we wait for María to come back. I will be looking at her very close to make sure nothing happened.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 6:56 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy & i r abt 2 go 2 our valentine's dinner. he was v. relieved when i told him liz has planz w/anthony.


    p.s. i don't know y liz insists on shopping @ that "sensible schoolmarm" store @ the mall. she tried 2 talk me in2 getting myself sum clothes there, and 4 once i was glad 2 have my school uni as an xxcuse not 2 buy clothes!

  • At 8:32 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, y is ur sis, anthony & francie lookin' @us thru the window of the restaurant? no!!! don't invite them in!

  • At 8:58 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    & anthony sez, “good thingz just happen 2 liz all the tyme. did i tell u how i got this box of candy frum a guy @work who found out hiz wife wuz divorcing him rite b4 valentine’z day? he didn’t need the candy nemore & it paid off 4 liz.”
    & liz sez, “now i just need sum1 2 get divorced so i can get an engagement ring. oh w8. thass already happed.”
    & francie sez, “they told me mom wuz gonna b @this place.”
    & anthony sez, “wen all the tables @the country kitchen were taken 4 v-day, i thot liz & i were gonna hafta go w/o a place 2 celebr8 our 1st v-day 2gethah since the millennium.”
    & liz sez, “it’s lucky i remembered where u2 were havin’ dinner.”
    & francie sez, “they told me my mom wuz gonna cry if i didn’t come.”
    & anthony sez, “so wut’s good here? did u order enuff food 4 all of us? just kiddin’. i’ll pay 4 dessert. i don’t have much money left these days cuz my money-grabbin’ ex, took me 4 all she cud get.”
    & liz sez, “oh, april. u didn’t order all vegetarian, did u? u know i don’t like that turkey substitute”
    & francie sez, “iz there a kid’s menu?”
    & anthony sez, “if i had the real money, like gordon duz, then i wud take liz sumplace rilly fancy that serves meat. gordon took tracey 2 a place a lot nicer than this. sumday it cud b me & u goin’ 2 the fine restaurants, elizabeth.”
    & liz sez, “gordon makes things happ, but ur the idea man, anthony. i especially like that idea u had once ‘bout us gettin’ married. that wuz a gr8 idea, i thot.”
    & francie sez, “can i go home w/u?”
    & april sez, “wen the lites go out run 4 the door.”
    i'm reddy 2 run.

  • At 9:50 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, aside frum francie givin' me dance lessons, thingz r bettah here than @the restaurant. actually, i didn't mind it that much. she wuz kinda cute wen she wuz tellin' me the proper way 2 hold my hand on ur waist & stuff.

    it's wen we kissed & francie sed, "oh, so thass wut a kiss iz supposed 2 look like" which wuz kinda mbarrassin'.

    now the only question iz how long do we w8 4 ur sis & anthony caine 2 get back 2 hiz house, b4 u take francie 2 sleep ovah w/u? i wish ur sis wud answer her cell. i swear i can hear it ringin' in anthony's house.

  • At 12:26 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. As you are aware, my lovely wife Deanna has an affinity for carrots.

    When mom first discovered this particular precocious preference, she laughed and laughed. She said, “It serves you right Michael after all those times when you would just sit and stare at your plate of food and refuse to eat your carrots.

    You would just sit there, and I would say to you, ‘Alright…just eat the vegetables, Michael…’ and you would do nothing. Then I would walk to the other side of you as if I were speaking to a different you and I would say, ‘I’ll be happy if you’ll eat just a FEW carrots, then.’ And I pointed to your plate so you would know which ones were the carrots. And then you would sit there and do nothing.

    And then I would give up and lift up your plate where a few peas would fall off onto the table and I would say, ‘OK…I guess if you can’t eat, you can’t eat.’ But then as I was walking away with the carrots you would yell, ‘Hey! What about dessert?’ The sound of your voice yelling for dessert caused me no end of irritation Michael. So when you tell me that Deanna loves carrots, it’s the funniest thing to me. Hysterical.”

    And she would cackle about it whenever Deanna was around. Occasionally she would say to Deanna, “Are you having carrots, tonight? I think a family can never have enough carrots. And if there is dessert, it should be carrot cake, or carrot pudding. I have recipes I can give you, Deanna. I think you are just the perfect wife for Michael.”

    Sometimes it can be a bad thing when your mom likes your choice of wife. I have the slightly orange skin to prove it.

    Michael Patterson


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