April's Real Blog

Saturday, February 09, 2008

"Great idea" 2 Mike = "obvious" 2 every1 else

Well, Mike tells what happed when Dee came back, w/out telling us where she was, how l8 she got back, or whether they ever got 2 eat dinner:

Formerly little sis. Did you ever have one of those moments when a really great idea pops into your head? Well, I did recently and it was quite an arresting experience. I could swear it affected me so much, even physically, that my eyes seemed to be moving around my head of their own free will. That is how powerful my great idea was.

I remember the moment well. My wife, the lovely Deanna, had come home and she was tying her bathrobe tightly around her body, which was supposed to send me the signal that nothing was going to be loosened up for me that night. I was putting toothpaste on my toothbrush, and standing in front of this ornate mirror that Deanna had gotten from her friend Sennough White. Then my great idea just jumped into my head and I said, “I think it’s time that Robin moved into his own room.” My wife said, “I agree.” This is something she normally says when I have a great idea.

Sometimes, there is just no denying an idea’s greatness, so Deanna added “He’s used to this house now. He should be able to sleep alone.” The idea affected me so much, I can just see myself now with toothpaste all over my face and looking as if I were a rapid dog needing to be put down. I said, “Beshides…Meredith likesh to tease him, and it drivesh me crazy.” As you can tell from my translation of my speech, having a toothbrush in my mouth caused me to say, “Sh” for all my unvoiced “S” sounds. My voiced “S” sound in the word “tease” was not affected, because as everyone knows, toothpaste in your mouth while you are brushing only affects unvoiced “S” sounds.

You may remember from back in my wife’s September, 2007 monthly letter, she was talking about studying Daoism. Well I could tell the effect of that study from the words my wife uses. She said, “It’s karma, Mike—you teased you sister, didn’t you?” I can you that there is nothing worse than when Deanna goes into her “Buddha is the best” routine, so I had no desire to point out that karma is actually the effects of all your deeds actively creating past, present and future experiences; and not retribution for teasing a sister. I quickly diverted the subject by actually taking blame. I responded, “Yeah, but she deserved it.” Deanna, at first didn’t seem to notice I had taken blame, and she continued on squeezing water out of her makeup-removing piece of material. She said, “Why?”

I responded with another confession, “She was cuter than I was.” That was true back when Elizabeth was young and before her breath got to be so lizardly. These days, though, I would put me way ahead of poor, unmarried, childless Liz. Nevertheless, my second confession got to Deanna. Her body stiffened like a board, and her eyebrows rose up under her hairline. I probably would have seen more, but my eyes were still being affected by my great idea. I suppose you are wondering if this meant my lovely Deanna started down the road to reminiscing about things occurring in 1979. I will tell you next week, if she did.

“Robin should move into his own room.” I tell you little sis, when I come up with a great idea it’s a great one. As often as you come to baby-sit for us, I’m surprised you never thought of this yourself.

Michael Patterson
OMG, Mike, didn't U even read yesterday's entry, where I sed the kids shd have their own rooms? And if U ever LISTENED 2 me (instead of 2 the private show U have running in yr head @ all times), U'd KNOW that every single time I've babysat, I've mentioned that they need their own rooms. Gah!

Also, it hits me as sad that even tho U "take blame" 4 teasing Liz, U actually--ALL THESE YEARS LATER WHEN U'RE SUPPOSED 2 B AN ADULT--say that Liz "deserved" 2 B teased? What? That's disgusting. This is a time 4 U 2 admit that NO1 deserves that and U were just being awful 4 no legitimate reason. OMG.

And please, please, please do NOT B setting us up 4 yet another FLASHBACK. Flashbacks = terrible, terrible karma, I M sure!


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  • At 8:42 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    You're confusing your brother with someone who has a conscience again. People like him cannot see where they leave off and the world begins so pain is always someone else's fault. He wasn't being punished because he was a horrible person; he was getting yelled at because Liz wouldn't lay down and be picked on.

  • At 9:01 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hm, we were learning abt sociopaths in school. i wonder if mike cd b a sociopath. or mayB he's just a narcissist. ne psych foax out there who mite know which category fits mike better?


  • At 11:23 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    When you say that "no one" deserves to be teased, surely you do not include Mike in "no one," right, after all, I thought it was great at Christmas dinner when we teased Mike until he started to cry, especially that stuff you came up with about him and Weed, it was great, also, I asked the school psychologist about Mike, and she said "clueless narcissist" fit him best, also, she thinks Dee might have some kind of problems too, she says the haircut is a dead giveaway.


  • At 12:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    gd pt, liz. i kinda thot that teasing we did @ xmas was, like, retribution.


  • At 1:12 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Sometimes you have to buy the high quality mittens. I know that mom has trained you and me since we were little to always try and find a bargain, to shave the sheets in order to make things last; but there are times when quality has to take precedence. The idea of buying a mitten for a boy, where the mitten is sized bigger than his hands, on the premise that his hands will grow into them is patently wrong. That is girl thought. A boy will go out in the snow and try his best to destroy his clothing and he is often successful. A girl might demurely touch the snow, and might be able to make a mitten last; but a boy is a little dynamo of clothing destruction.

    I tried to explain this concept to my wife, the lovely Deanna; but she did not believe me. There she was in her purple turtleneck sweater with matching socks, kneeling down before my boy putting on his coat with the mittens attached to it. All I could think was, my boy will destroy those cheap, oversized mittens in about 2 seconds out in the snow. Deanna said, “No Michael. Our children will use their sand buckets and shovels, and they will hardly even touch the snow. These mittens are perfectly fine. They even have a little mitten security line to make sure he doesn’t lose them.” I thought, “Buckets, security lines? These are not how a man plays in the snow.”

    Well, to be doubly sure, my wife pushed the mittens firmly onto his hands and sent him out into the cold though the front door, carrying his bucket and shovel. My daughter, dressed in her all-pink outfit and I were already outside waiting for him. I was busy shoveling the sidewalk. You know, April, how sometimes when you shovel a sidewalk, it seems like you shovel and shovel, and all the snow stays the same place? This was one of those kinds of days.

    Naturally since his mitten was oversized so he could “grow into” it, it fell off his hand almost immediately after exiting the house and my daughter noticed. Being the bright and intelligent girl she is (taking after me, of course) she suggested that my son could turn those mittens into Australian bull-roarers. She deposited snow into each mitten and then encouraged my son to whirl them around as if he were an Australian aborigine. This he did this to great effect, the whirling part and not the aboriginal part. In fact, when he had both mittens filled with snow; he whirled them around so boyishly that it was difficult to tell the difference between them and a couple of carrots. You may laugh, little sis, but around my household, a carrot is a very serious vegetable.

    Eventually I got tired of clearing the sidewalk in front of our house, and seeing the same amount of snow there. So, I motioned for the kids to come in for lunch. My lovely wife, Deanna, showed me my son's gloves all pulled into long ribbons of mitten fabric and looking a lot like carrots.

    I said to her, “Now, Deanna, will you buy higher quality mittens for my son?” She replied, “Michael. These gloves are still perfectly fine, once they are dried and reshaped.”

    By the way, if you see my son and it looks like his hands are really nice carrots, they aren’t.

    Michael Patterson


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