We're back to present-day Mike

Happy Family Day (new holiday!) 2 my fellow Ontario peeps, and President's Day 2 U States ppl. No school 2day, woot!

Sorry 2 all of U who were hoping we'd get 2 move on2 a Liz story this wk (including Liz herself). We R back 2 Mike, and it loox like we R gonna get all the deets abt moving Robin in2 a big-kid bed and in2 his own bedroom:

April,

Formerly little sis. You may remember how much trouble my wife has with getting the kids ready to go someplace. Thanks to my experience now as a kept man, I have developed a capability my wife does not have. I can get them dressed to go outside. The secret, formerly little sis, is to have the kids wear a different outfit every time they go outside. It confuses them, and in the midst of their confusion you can take them places.

Just the other day I had my kids almost completely dressed except for zipping up my son’s coat and my daughter putting on her boot. It had been so long since my son had gone anywhere away from home, he said to me, “Where are we going, Daddy?” I said, “To buy a new bed!—You’re going to be moving into your own room.”

My son continued on with his inquiry and said, “A new bed for ME?” I replied, “No, for Meredith. You’re getting her bed because it has sides on it.” I know that statement is probably confusing to you, April, because the last time I looked Meredith’s bed had no sides on it. However, I can also remember times when Meredith’s bed had sides on it but my son’s bed was not right beside it in the room. Well, my only explanation is that this was one of those days when Meredith’s bed had sides.

My daughter realized her tactical advantage, stuck her tongue out at my son, put on lipstick and sang to my son “I get a grown-up bed! I get a grown-up bed!” With her French-looking toque, she looked a little like a young, blonde Edith Piaf. I had gone to put on my coat, but I could help to be captivated by her melodic phrasing, except of course if Edith Piaf were talking about a “grown-up bed” it would mean something entirely different from that of my innocent daughter.

My son hurled his head back, sprayed tears, and showed off his neck which either had a bow tie on it or had a big hole where the tracheotomy tube used to be. I suspect bow tie is the real answer. Unlike most situations where a Patterson throws their head back, there were no teeth showing, which I can only attribute to my son’s youthful, somewhat toothless age. My son cried, “I don’t WANNA bed wif sides!!!” As I said before, formerly little sis, I suspect my son was confused about that whole “sometimes the bed does or does not have sides” issue. As for why my son would complain about a bed with sides, when he had spent his entire life sleeping in a crib with sides, I cannot hazard a guess as to why he would take issue with sides being present.

In retribution, he pulled my daughter’s hat over her eyes. Naturally I responded with a firm parental rebuke of “That’s enough! Nobody’s getting into the car until the silly stuff is over!! NO MORE TEASING!.” You have to threaten a child with something they want, in order to appeal to their better nature, and of course there is not very much that ranks higher with a child than getting into the car to go shopping for furniture with their dad. Naturally my kids stopped. But then they turned into silhouettes and one of them said, “Daddy? How come we hafta have separate rooms?”

I would have thought it would be obvious, since they are constantly teasing each other, why they would need separate rooms, so instead of explaining I decided to make a face at them. I know you disapproved of my grimacing at my kids to make my point, so I opted to try something new this time. I gave them my Herman Munster face. I was tempted to yell out “Lily!” or “Grandpa”, but I don’t think my kids would have gotten the joke.

Tomorrow. The joy of bed-shopping with small children.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Yeah, sorry foax. The official Johnston Institute memos have been saying that Mike and his fam R supposta B, like, the Mboro "focus" now, cuz we've come full circle from when my mom an' dad had yung children. Never mind Liz and I still have lives 2 lead an' stories 2 tell! And ppl still, like, care abt my Gramps and Iris. And there R even a few ppl who want 2 know if my dad retires or my mom, well, whatever, but U know what I mean.

Apes