Liz kicks her guests to the curb

Liz wrote me another e-mail and it went like this:

April,

When I was in Limbo, I got so used to not having to worry about going to my job, writing lesson plans, or doing any grading, that I panicked when it was 10:00 PM, Candace and Rudy were still at my apartment, and I realized that I needed to write a lesson plan and grade a stack of tests for the next day! So I thought I'd better drop a hint that they should leave, by saying, "Well, I have a class to prepare for and test to correct...." I was worried they might not pick up on that, but Rudy said, "Yeah... we should go." As they were leaving, I shouted out the door, "Goodnight, Rudy! 'Night, Candace!" And Rudy waved while Candace said, "See you, Liz!" My feelings were a little hurt that they didn't wish me a good night. How am I supposed to have a good night if they don't wish me one?

I sat down at my computer to write the lesson plan, which was going to be a math and reading lesson based on buying clothes from that stack of catalogues I have been meaning to get rid of, I thought, "I love those guys, but I have so much to do tonight, I don't have time for visitors." Shiimsa was on the counter when I was thinking that, but next thing I knew, she was on my shoulders, with her head against one of my cheeks and her back end against the other, and I thought this: "Right. You're not a visitor... You OWN the place!!!" Then I thought it's not like me at all to think that, shouldn't I be yelling at her or chasing her around the apartment or something? Does this have something to do with me looking like Mike with a wig? I'm confused.

Liz

Liz, you being confused is pretty usual. I'd be more concerned if U were not confused.

Apes

Transformers? Bwuh?

Liz sent me another e-mail:

April,

Yay, we're still on me! I had a nightmare that we switched back to Mike and that he had a story about making some Kraft Dinner for those kids of his, but that they dumped it down the sink and Mike sent them to bed without supper while thinking a pun. I'm so glad we're on me!

Like I started to tell you, Candace and Rudy were at my apartment and Candace had asked me about how things were going with Anthony. And I told them that thing about taking things one day at a time. Well, Candace asked me some syko-babbly question about how compatible we are, and when I stared at her without answering, because I remember I had to learn "compatible" in a vocab quiz once but hadn't thought about the word in ages, she kind of sighed and said, "Are you and Anthony well matched?" I thought about how we are always finding we are wearing the same shade of brown or mustard yellow or eggplant, and I said, "Yes, we are pretty well matched." Candace had to get all competitive by saying, "Rudy and I are pretty well-matched too, Liz. We just sort of 'click', I guess." By then, we were all standing up, and Candace and I were holding our mugs. I saw that Candace was facing Shiimsa, who was on the counter, and I thought, "Oh, yeah, I have a cat."

Then I realized that Rudy was talking again, I think he heard about how Pattersons are always doing the best wordplay and he wanted to show off, because he started to gesture with his two hands, like he was pretending to open a jar, and he said, "Like those Transformers! You know, you get some goofy monster thing, then... click-click, you fudge around it and it turns into a car or something!?" Candace had put her mug down and picked up Shiimsa. I was putting my mug on the coffee table, and Candace was asking Rudy, "You're comparing me to a Transformer?" And Rudy said, "Nope! No psychoanalysis, Candace. You know what I mean. It's the way we figure each other out!" I sat on the couch and felt myself looking like Mike with a confused look on my face while Candace answered, "A 'goofy monster thing'?" Then Rudy sat next to me on the couch, grabbed his right foot, and said, "Click, click, click" while leaning in like he was going to put his face onto his foot. Candace asked, "What are you doing?" And Rudy said, "Putting my other foot in my mouth!" And I laughed. Because I saw there was no way Rudy was flexible enough to put his foot in his mouth. I said, "Maybe April can do that, with those yoga classes she takes, April does stuff like that to be annoying and maybe so that she can put her foot in my mouth." And then I laughed some more because I pictured you, April, with both feet in your mouth! Ha, ha, ha, I'm laughing all over again thinking about that!

More tomorrow.

Liz.

Liz, FYI, putting your foot in your mouth is an expression. When you say the wrong thing and realize you've accidentally insulted someone, that's called putting your foot in your mouth. And in case you care, I'm flexible enuf 2 put my feet behind my head, but I never put my feet in my mouth (at least not literally). Oh, and memo to Rudy, Transformers are "robots in disguise." Not "goofy monster things."

Apes

Rudy and Candace Speak Telepathically

I got an e-mail from Liz. She wrote:

April, I am so excited because I got a special telegram from the Johnston Institute saying I could leave Limbo and that I was going to be the one everyone talks about for a while. Finally. I thought Mike was going to go on with his stories forever, I just couldn't stand it, so I haven't even been reading your blog this week.

Anyway, the telegram said I should report to my apartment and invite Candace and Rudy so we could have a conversation about Anthony. I was hoping my instruction would be to go to Anthony, who would be on bended knee hiding an engagement ring behind his back, ready to say, "Liz, will you marry me and make me the happiest man alive?" You know, all romantic-like. Before I left Limbo, I looked in the mirror and gasped because I saw that I was looking almost exactly like Mike. I was about to let my hair down, but one of the officials at Limbo stopped me and said I was supposed to keep my hair in its bun. So if you think you see Mike but with his hair in a bun, that's me.

As soon as Candace and Rudy got to my apartment, I made tea. Because as you know, it's not possible to have an important talk without tea or coffee, that's why Mom always is ready to make some. Rudy is such a rebel, though, he had iced tea instead of regular, steaming hot tea.

So we all sat and Candace got right to business with her question of "So, how's it going with you and Anthony, Liz?" And I couldn't see her because I didn't have eyes just then, but I ignored that and said, "Really well, Actually." And Candace said, "That is so cool!" Then I remembered what I'm always supposed to say, and my eyes came back, but I closed them just to be safe, and said, "We're taking it one day at a time. We're not rushing into NEthing; we're just totally at ease with one another." Rudy reached across the table to tap Candace on the arm and say, "Just like you and me, right, Babe? We just sort of know what the other's thinking!" And Candace gave her this strange look, I think she was trying to look sexy or trampy, and she said, "OK!" Rudy said, "'OK'... What?" And Candace got really ugly the way people do a lot of the time when you see them from the side, and she said, "What am I thinking?" And Rudy said, "Hah! I knew you were going to say that!" And I sat holding up my head with my hand propped under my chin, feeling I looked more like Mike than ever, and feeling confused. They didn't even have thought bubbles, April, so how could they have been thinking and reading each other's thoughts, that doesn't even make any sense.

I'd tell you more, but now that I'm having my turn, I want to make sure I get to keep it for a while. So I'll tell you more tomorrow. Unless you really annoy me, so I have to chase you and threaten to beat you up. But even then, I'd probably tell some more, because IT'S FINALLY MY TURN!!!

Liz

Well foax, something mite actually happen this week. Or mayB not. Liz, U sound xxactly the same as U did this past summer. Has yr relationship w/Anthony not progressed at all since then?

Apes