April's Real Blog

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Wooooo, Becks!

Well, I dunno what my folks an' Liz were yammerin' about while they were gawkin' at Becky an' me. They were too far away for me to hear, but I'm guessin' it was pretty lame an' foobish. Maybe someone who was closer to them can fill me in, in case they said anything worth hearing.

Becks is lookin' good, doncha think? But she told me her dad had a last-minute fit about that Paris Hilton gold-lamé halter dress she was gonna wear. It seems at first glance he mistook her for his girlfriend, BrandEE. Then he took her to the mall an' made her get a dress he picked out himself. 'Rents, who can figure 'em? Becks'll probably fill you in with more deets in the comments.

Edited to add:

My fam's Official July Letters are up!

Mom sez this about me in hers:

So my youngest will be heading off to the farm for the summer. I'll miss her, but the farm always functions as an attitude adjuster and April could stand to be separated from urban life for a while. She's a good kid, but a break from Becky, her bandmates, and boys will be good for her. Not to mention a vacation from TV, cellphones and the mall.

Can you believe that? What's her damage, N E way? I think my attitude's been good considerin' the crazee shizzit I have to live with. And notice how she assumes I'm not gonna have my phone with me? As you prolly know, I got a junky cell as a Xmas gift, and it's already très obsolete. But it's better than nuthin' I guess, an' if she thinks I'm goin' off to live in the stix without it, she's crazee-er than I thought. She thinks I'm gonna hand it over to her when I leave for my trip, but I have a plan, my peeps. I found an old phone in the trash, and I'm gonna give her that one instead. She's so clueless, she won't know the diff.

As you can see from my letter, I was totally pushed an' forced into going out to Aunt Bev's farm this summer. Dad all pretendin' I have a choice, so's he can pat himself on the back an' pretend he's bein' enlightened and all.

Liz sez:

I bet the house's value has gone up quite a bit lately. I don't think they'll give it up until April goes away to school (or hits the road with her band) but they'll probably do well when they do sell.

Shush, Liz, the 'rents aren't supposta know I'm plannin' to tour with 4Evah after high-school grad!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Liz is Gonna Make Me Late For Grad!

So here's what happened. I thought we were all about to walk out the door to go to grad, when Liz said, "Oh, I forgot to open Shiimsa's cage an' say goodbye to her." She said it would only take a minute. Ten minutes later, my Dad's all making jokes about graduating gradually, Mom's stompin' her feet an' sighin', an' I'm the only one who bothers goin' up to say somethin' to Lizardbreath! Then she's all, "YOU'RE UPSETTING MY CAT!" Poor Shiimsa.

An' look at my hair. Liz did it for me--she promised me she would make it all nice, but it looks like she just put me in the Patterson women's updo club. And she took so loooooooooooong there was no time to go over to Becky's house and get something more, I dunno, 2005? I also think the clutchy little evenin' purse is a bit too much, but Mom insisted it goes with the dress. I'm soooo countin' the days 'til high school grad. Remember, two years until I can drive, four before I can drink (yay Canana!), four to graduating grade 12 an' bye-bye Milborough!

By the way, next year I'll be goin' to R.P. Boire Senior Secondary. How foobish a name is that?

Wellp, wish me luck, I think I'm gonna need it!

April out

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Scents and Foobibility

There goes my Dad and his f00by puns again. The worst part is when he stands there with this look on his face, like he's waitin' for ya to bust a gut, or at least for the laugh track to kick in. Dad, just, ew.

But enough about Dad, let's talk about me! I mean, this is still my grad day, though for some reason this day jus' seems to be draggin' on forever. Some peeps were sayin' my dress was a bit skimpy for a grade 8 grad. But you shoulda seen the outfit Mom wouldn't let me buy:

What a foob she is!

April out

Monday, June 27, 2005

Proud of My Rack!

Yep, that's right, Liz, I finally have a rack that can hold up a strapless! Okay, I'm actually cheating with some pins an' rubberbands an' stuff, but Liz doesn' hafta know that. At least she finally noticed how hot I look! "Spectacular" is right!

I don't blame Shiimsa for bein' a bit scared. Look at us. I can't quite put my finger on it, but we all look a little weird, like our limbs and features are, I dunno, not drawn very well. I guess everyone feels this way sometimes, right? Right?

Some people tell me I should grow out my bangs, but the truth is I'm afraid. Look what happened to Liz. I'm pretty sure she used to have a forehead, but lately she's got a two-head. If that's gonna happen to me, I at least wanna have bangs to cover that shit up.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Triple-Shot Grande Latte and Little Pills

First I go to Starbucks with the Beckster and order the triple-shot grande latte. I was up so late last night IM'ing boys with cute-sounding profiles, so I needed a pick-me-up. Then Beck gives me a little pill and says it's this herbal, natural vitamin thing that'll give me energy and help me eat less. An' she's all lookin' at my butt when she says "eat less". Is my butt starting to look like my Mom's? So I take the pill and next thing I know, I'm buzzing like crazy, my eyes are almost poppin' outta my head, and I'm all fascinated by this st00pid hummingbird. I don't even know what I just said to Mom, but I hope she doesn't suspect I'm chemically enhanced.

Don't you think I totally need a cell phone now that I'm gonna be in high school? I don't wanna be the only one who doesn't get to have one, and it's the perfect grad gift! And I'd look so kewl with one, sorta like this:

So if you see my 'rents tell 'em "April needs a phone".

Edited to add:

Ma just reminded me that I got a cell phone for Christmas. But that phone is sooooo six months ago! I obviously need an upgrade!

So when I say here and in the comments that I don't have a phone, I mean I don't have an acceptable phone.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Just Doin' My Job!

See, I knew Liz was bringing Shiimsa home. But did she even bother to stop and notice how hot an' tasty I look all dressed up for grad? Nope, because it's always Liz, Liz, Liz for her. So I played clueless little sis and opened that door. And did you see the look on Ma's face? She was so surprised her glasses came flying off!

I almost said "Hi, Mike," when I saw Liz today, because for some reason she's lookin' like my bro. Then I noticed she had her hair up in a nasty bun, sorta like the one Mom always wears these days. Which reminds me, Mom slapped me across the face last week, when I mistook her for Dad. It's not my fault--she had a big fishin' hat and baggy clothes on, an' she looked just like Dad. Sometimes Mike looks a lot like Dee, but without the big lips. I hope it's not genetic. I don' wanna look like a boy. (Shup up Becks, don't say I'm built like one anyway!)

By the way, did you know Mom blames me for her nose? Her nose! You see, she says her thighs are Mike's fault. Says she had nice, thin thighs before he was born, but bein' pg with him packed the flab on 'em. Says Liz gave her a big butt. Me? Her nose! Whoever heard of pg causin' fat noses?

An' she didn' think it was funny when I made a joke about the crevASSe having a nice, wide seat. "It's not pronounced crev-ASS, April, it's cruh-VAHSS. Now get Dad away from his idiotic trains and tell him it's time for dinner!"

Well, that's all I've got time for now.

April out

Friday, June 24, 2005

Promoted From Comments

God, I hope my boobs look big enough in this dress. I want to look HOT! Which is, of course, why I put my hair up in this ponytail. I think it makes me look like I'm only 9, but Becky says it makes me look like a really sexy roadside gig. She kind of grinned when she said that. So maybe she was kidding? I don't know. Well, she's a really good friend, so she wouldn't lead me astray...would she? It's so hard to know when you're dealing with non-Pattersons. You just can't trust them. Oh well, it's too late to do anything about my hair anyway. I already have my nylons on.

I wish Edgar hadn't eaten my boobs.

--Q.N. Jones

Oh, and I'm glad I wasn't the one who took the dogs out after Eddie ate that boob. Mom said those poops were foul!

Liz, Liz, Liz!

Liz, Liz, Liz! It's always about Liz!

First of all, Mom knew Liz was coming home with the cat. Eddie and Dixie have never lived with cats, so what did she think was gonna happen? A big, happy animal party? So why didn' she put the dogs in the back herself before she went to the bus station to meet Liz?

So I'm up in my room dressed for grad, nylons an' everything, when Mom expects me to get the stinky dogs out back. Finally, Liz is all, "I'm going in", so now she gets be the big hero.

Well, I've gotta go. Mom's yellin' again.

April out

Thursday, June 23, 2005

First Post!

Hi, everyone! This is April Patterson, and this is my blog. I tried to start one before, but my nosy mother caught me. But since she's such a clueless FOOB, I convinced her a blog is a place to post fridge pics. You can see "my" official blog here:


Right, Ma, as if.

So this is my real blog, the place where I'll be writing the things I don't want Mom to see. I've got to keep this one short. . . . I hear Mom callin' me. Tune in soon, though.