Thinking what she doesn't have to think

A bit more from Liz, and then who knows 4 next week:

April,

Warren turned into a silhouette right before he got into his car. His car was parked far away enough that his silhouette looked tiny, but not so far that he was on the other side of my street. I had no idea I had so much space between my place and the curb. But where was I? Oh, yes. Silhouette-Warren was standing by his not-silhouette car, waving, and I waved back. At least I think he was waving. His hand was so tiny, I had to make a guess.

After he left, I gazed adoringly at my engagement ring. I was thinking, "I thought I was in love with Warren once, but it wasn't love." Then I leaned against the side of house, gazed into the distance, and thought, "I thought I was in love with Paul and with Eric--but that wasn't love either." I went back to gazing at my ring, while continuing to think: "I do love Anthony. Oh, yes. It's love..." As I went back into my apartment door, I thought, "I don't even have to think about it."

Once I was inside, I thought, "But didn't I just think all that? And I thought that I don't have to think about it. But I did just think about it." And I got worried, thinking I'd messed up, thinking about something I don't have to think about. And I got so panicky I called Mom. And after I told her all that, she said, "Oh, my dear, sweet, dumb Elizabeth. Have some warm milk, go to sleep, and stop worrying your pretty head about such things. Focus on setting a wedding date instead." And I went, "Mo-om! Anthony and I are NOT in a rush to set a date!" And Mom said, "Is that something you also don't have to think about that you're thinking about?" And I went, "Yes!" And I had to hang up because Mom filled me with more doubt. But I took her advice about the warm milk. It really does help you sleep.

Liz

Oh, Liz. I guess you had all those thoughts to convince the peeps who have been pointing out that you and Anthony have not been saying anything about "love." But those same ppl are bound 2 pt out that neither one of you has sed it out loud 2 the other. Maybe that will B next wk's story, eh?

Apes

That's just sad

I think Warren needs therapy. Let's C if U agree. Here's what Liz sez in her l8est e-mail:

April,

For your Friday entry, I'm already up to the part where Warren leaves my apartment! Can you believe how quick and snappy I am this week?

As Warren was putting his coffee cup on the counter in my kitchen, I cuddled up to his left arm affectionately and said, "You can't give up flying, Warren. And I can't change who I am." Then we silently went to the staircase that leads to my apartment entrance, climbed up the stairs, and went outside.

Warren said, "It sure was nice knowing you." And I answered, "Yeah... it was nice knowing you, too." Even though I was confused. Because I still knew him. Was I about to not know him anymore?

As I was thinking about that, Warren held my chin with one hand and said, "And if this guy you're going to marry turns out to be the wrong one.... Let me know, OK?" Then he put his hands in his pockets, started to walk way, and looking over his shoulder, added, "'Cause I'll always be in the wings." I think I was mildly gobsmacked.

Liz

Ugh, poor, obsessed Warren. Why is he so fixated on Liz? I hope if he marries Marjee Mahaha, and then suddenly hears from the "bush telegraph" that Liz and Anthony have split, he doesn't suddenly dump poor Marjee. Dang, flyboy, get U 2 a therapist quick. And stop trying 2 pun!

Apes

Going Anyway

Here's what Liz has 4 U all in her l8est e-mail 2 me:

April,

I am sure your readers are all sitting on the edges of their seats, waiting to hear what I have to say next. Whenever I have stories to tell, they are so riveting!

After I'd changed my clothes from spilling coffee all over myself, into an identical outfit, I set down a bowl of chips. Then Warren and I went back to our conversation at the coffee table.

Warren said, "I've been offered a job at another outfit. They want me to go overseas and fly for an oil company. It's a better position and higher pay. I wanted to talk to you before I accepted." He put a chip in his mouth and said, "But I guess there's nothing to talk about, now that you're engaged." I told him, "Warren, you would have taken that job even if I was free." He replied, "I'd have asked you to come with me!" I came back with "And, I'd have said 'No.' And... You'd have gone anyway."

When I told him that last part, I held up my head with one hand and looked deeply at him with my beautiful, languid blue eyes. Boys love my big, blue eyes. That was something Eric praised me for, before I caught him cheating with Tina. Oh, no, I had to go and remind myself about that. My big, blue eyes are crying now!

Liz

Liz, there U go, getting yrself all worked up. Oh, well, maybe U can get Anthony to console U w/his stories abt lusting after U during his engagement with and marriage to Thérèse. That usually cheers U up.

Apes

Warren won't B tied down

Liz is back w/more e-mail 2 me:

April,

I like this story I'm about to tell you because I think it shows what a good, caring person I am. Did you know I'm not only good-looking, but cheerful, funny and bright? Well, it's true, and that's what drew Warren to me almost six yrs ago!

So, where was I? Oh, yeah, what happened next the last time Warren came by. So, we were having our coffee (it's barbaric to have a conversation without hot beverages!) and sitting across the coffee table from each other. I told Warren, "You're a really nice person. We had fun together--but it never really happened for us--did it." I made that a statement, to show how serious I was being. Warren answered anyway, saying "I guess not." Then I told him, "You could never stay in one place long enough to make a commitment. You were always on the move!" Warren said, "I know." He was sipping his coffee as he said that, but somehow didn't dribble all over himself. Next, I said, "Well, now that you've decided to stay here and get a regular job, --You'll meet someone, get married, buy a house, have a family...." He interrupted me by saying, "Sounds nice, Liz... But it would really tie me down."

I was so flabbergasted by that, I let go of my coffee mug, which I'd been holding with both hands. Lucky for me, the coffee had gotten kind of cold by then, but still I got it all over my cozy turtleneck sweater and jeans. Luckily, I had an identical outfit to change into so we could continue our conversation without any confusion about me having a different outfit.

Anyway, that's it for now. You'll have to wait for my next e-mail to find out what happened after that.

Liz

Poor Warren, this will seal the opinion of those who say he's too "flighty" (bad pun) to settle down with anyone.

Dunc, OMG, I'd 4gotten all abt Charles. Now that U mention him, I remember yr dad referring 2 him way back when we were 11 and yr dad still played choo-choos with my dad, but then he stopped and I 4got. Sorry he's such a jerk!

Apes

Ending without beginning

Liz sent me another e-mail, ppl, and it went something like this:

April,

Not that it's any of your business, but I know you need something to blog about other than how Dad used to get depressed about being a dentist. So I'll tell you some more about what happened the last time Warren dropped by my apartment. Some people are saying that I shouldn't have encouraged his stalkerish behaviour by letting him into my apartment, but they don't know what they're talking about. I know Warren, they don't, so I know how to handle him in my own way.

Warren was holding my left hand and looking at the shine rays coming out of my ring. He said, "Wow. Engaged." I told him, "I'm going to marry Anthony Caine." Then neither of us said anything for the amount of time it took for me to make coffee, pour it into two mugs, with cream and sugar, and bring the mugs over to the coffee table, as Warren settled onto a seat.

Then, he picked up our conversation where we'd left off: "He's the guy with the kid, right?" It took me a second to realize he was responding to my telling him I was marrying Anthony. I answered, "Anthony has a daughter. Her name Françoise. " April, aren't you proud of me for saying "Françoise" instead of "Frenchy"? Anyway, I continued with "He and I have cared for each other for a long time. It was a friendship that grew into.... a lot more." Notice I never mentioned the part about dating in middle school and high school and breaking up after our first year of university. I didn't want to confuse him. Warren said, "So. It's over between us." And I looked at him all wide-eyed and said, "Warren--it never began!"

Ha! There! That'll answer all those mean people who keep saying I act as if Warren and I have had some big relationship when we barely had off-and-on dating, yet I was always expecting him to fly in to Mtig when I lived there. But anyway, I said it. "It never began!" Criticism deflected!

Liz

Whatevs, Liz. This still doesn't answer Y U acted like U did B4. Especially when it was pretty clear that Warren thought you were dating and then his going to Yellowknife made U all pissy, so U decided 2 ask out Anthony. And U never bothered to tell Warren.

Apes

Warren reappears for more throttling

I got an e-mail from Liz, peeps, and here's what she had 2 say:

April,

I'm so glad I'm finally engaged! I can't even tell you what a relief it is to have the token that says "I'm taken." Unless a lady has that token, there is no way she can keep other interested men at bay. If she tries, she runs the risk of having those men point out, "Well, I don't see a RING on your finger!" And nobody wants to risk that kind of humiliation!

But now I have my "token." Here's why it's so important. You might want to take notes. Recently, I was opening my apartment door after returning from the grocery store with two bags of food. When I was asked "paper or plastic," I got so confused that I said,"Give me one of each!" So they did. They really shouldn't spring those kinds of decisions on a girl! Where was I? Oh, yeah. So, I was about to unlock my door when I heard, "Elizabeth?" I looked over my shoulder, and there was a silhouette, but I recognized the silhouette, and said, "Warren!"

Warren took my paper bag from me while I still held the plastic one, and he said, "Here. Let me help you with that stuff." And I told him, "OK, but...." We started to go down the staircase that leads into my apartment, and he interrupted me with "Sorry I showed up here so late the other night... I just wanted to see you." Then we were both quiet until we had gotten to the kitchen and I started to put away my groceries. Then he continued with his talking. He said, "Look, I know I was never the most thoughtful or reliable..." And I told him, Warren, ...I'm engaged."

Now, April, I know from years of girl-experience that this isn't the sort of thing a guy will take your word for. You need proof. So I held up my left hand, to show him my engagement ring (token!) and the ring let off a magic shininess all around my hand! And the magic shininess must have scared Warren, and he went, "AAAAHHH!"

And that's why these tokens of takenness are so important for a girl. If I hadn't had that ring, I would have been forced to have a lengthy discussion with Warren where I didn't let on how serious my relationship with Anthony is. Because without a ring, no one would believe it's that serious! So April, when you are finally ready to get engaged to Gerald Delaney-Forsythe, make sure you tell him what a ringless young lady goes through!

Liz

Liz, Y is it that U and Mike won't listen? Let me tell you slowly. I. AM. NEVER. GOING. TO. MARRY. GERALD. So step the heck off already!

And poor Warren. You considered yourself broken up with him when he had to go to Yellowknife and couldn't get together w/U when U wanted him 2. But U never bothered 2 clue him in. And yr excuse was U weren't engaged 2 NE1 yet? How does that make NE sense? All U had 2 do was clue him in that U didn't want 2 d8 him NEmore.

Apes

What and whom? I think I'll swoon.

Things R getting a lil odd @ Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's, here in Barbados, but @ least I M in Barbados. Duncan, I will put my $ on Perdita dumping Arne Friday. She seems 2 B getting more annoyed w/him every day. NEway, I got another Liz-mail:

April,

It's Tuesday, so I get to tell you stuff @ least, um, one, two, three, four, five.... Five times, including today. Yay, me! I rule, Mike drools!

So I know you and all your readers are just dying to know what happened when Anthony and I got together the next day, after that night Warren came by when I was grading tests. By the way, I never finished grading my tests and I had to tell my students they wouldn't get their tests back for another day. But I told them, "It's Warren Blackwood's fault, so don't blame me." They looked a little confused, but at least they dropped the subject.

Anthony and I were in his car, and I had just finished begging him to believe what I had told him about Warren, on the phone the night before. Anthony said, "I believe you, Liz.... Why shouldn't I? You didn't ask Warren to come to your apartment--and while he was there, nothing happened. You asked him to leave, and that's it." And I realized that I never told Anthony that Warren left his job to be with me and was trying to pick up where he left off with dating me. So that wasn't exactly "it," but I said, "That's it." Better not to confuse things. Let Anthony think Warren just showed up, said, "I quit my job and I'm depressed," and that I told him right off, "It's late and you have to leave." Better to let him think I never made coffee and we never had our painful, awkward talk.

Next, Anthony said, "Elizabeth. You're free to talk to whomever you wish. I want you to be yourself--and I want you to be SURE. I asked, "Sure about what?" And out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Anthony had gone into silhouette, and his silhouette looked fat and middle-aged. Silhouette-Anthony said, "About what you WANT." Then he went back to being regular-Anthony and added, "And whom."

I shut my eyes while pointing my face upwards and closed my eyes, because Anthony use of "whom" reminded me I had to make a lesson plan on "who" and "whom." And then I started to worry that maybe Anthony was using the word pointed-like, because maybe when I was begging him to believe me about Warren I misused "who" or "whom." When you're a teacher, people are always trying to stick you for making mistakes like that. And when you teach grade four, people expect you to know all your subjects. It's so stressful, April, I can't wait until I'm married and can quit my job to focus on being a married lady and taking care of kids and a house. Like Mom when Mike and I were little.

Liz

Oh, Liz. Liz, Liz, Liz. Can't you get to the interesting part of this story? If, you know, you have one?

Apes

MayB Cuz C-ing is Believing?

Aah, it'd B EZ 2 4get all abt Mboro when I'm in sunny Barbados, 'cept Liz e-mailed me again:

April,

Yay, so we are still on ME! I know everyone wants to find out what happened on that night, whenever that was, after Warren left. Well, I phoned Anthony and said, "Anthony? It's me." Anthony said, "WHO? Oh, Elizabeth. Hi, Elizabeth." I said, "I'm sorry about the confusion on the phone. Warren's gone now. He just dropped in for a minute." Anthony asked, "WHY?" So I told him, "He quit his job." Anthony asked, "Yes, so?" I told him, "He was depressed and needed someone to talk to." Anthony said, "At this hour?" And I said, "I know it's late. That's why I asked him to leave." Anthony went, "Is there anything between you anymore?" Of course, I replied, "There's nothing between us anymore." Anthony was quiet for a bit, so I added, "...I hope you believe me." He replied, "Of course I believe you!"

But then he added, "Hey, we're both tired." That's when I realized he'd probably fallen asleep in the five, or maybe six minutes between the end of that last phone call and my calling him back after Warren left. How does he fall asleep so fast? I always have to count Peeps for at least 65 Peeps jumping over the fence. Anyway, next, he said, "Why don't I pick you up after work tomorrow, and we can talk then, OK?" I said, "OK," but then after I hung up and thought, "He doesn't believe me!!!"

Of course I can't tell you what happened the next day when we talked. Nyah, nyah, nyah, you'll just have to wait and see. And don't be such a show-off with Barbados. I have to spend my March break catching up on all the grading I've neglected worrying over my love life. And I'm going to do a week's worth of lessons plans so I won't have to pull any all-nighters next week, I swear it!

Liz

Liz? It's counting sheep. Not Peeps. And mayB Anthony is all "seeing is believing" like U, and that's Y he needs 2 C U B4 he can believe U? But whatevs, I know whatever happed happed already and U R holding out on us w/the Patterson story techniques. ::yawn::

Apes

Liz Explains Warren 2 Anthony

Hey, guess what? I M totally writing this in an airplane on the way from Toronto 2 Barbados! W00t!!! Jeremy and Eva R with me, and we R going 2 B working @ Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's during March break. Perdita Anderson paid 4 our airfare and everything cuz they're gonna B totally swamped w/accountants, illusionist, and tourists.

But NEhoodles, U R probably wondering what happened next during that special nite when Warren dropped by Lizzie's apt l8 @ nite and answered the fone just as Liz was trying 2 kick him out, so she hadta xxplain 2 Anthony who this man in her apt was. Well, I'll tell U what Liz shared in e-mail, but I shd warn U she still leaves us hanging, so I guess this story is gonna continue next week:

April,

I hate it when someone tries to ruin my life. Don't you hate when that happens... to me? Anyway, after Warren handed me the phone and said it was the "other man in my life," he put the other half of his jacket on, and I said into the phone, "Hello, Anthony? That was Warren who answered the phone." Anthony shrieked, "THE PILOT YOU USED TO GO OUT WITH?!?!?!?"And I replied, "Yes, he's the pilot I used to go out with. Anthony kind of whined, "What's he doing there?" And I said, "He needed someone to talk to, so he dropped in--but he's on his way out." Warren started to pull my phone-holding arm away from my ear, and said, "Dude! I'm on my way out!" Anthony was saying, "Want me to come over and tweak his ear?!?" I said, "I'll call you back in five minutes!"

I hung up the phone and told Warren, "You're trying to mess up my life again, and it's NOT going to happen!!" Warren put a hand on each of my arms and said, "I don't want to mess up your life, Liz.... I want to be a PART of it!"

Do you want to know what happened next? Well, I'll probably tell you, but not before Monday. Ha, ha. Try to survive the suspense!!!

Liz

C what I mean abt leaving us hanging? @ least Jeremy, Eva, and I will have Barbados 2 keep up distracted. We arrive at 12:45. Yay! Oh, I'm adding the "personality transplants" tag to all the entries in this current "Warren" story, cuz he never used 2 B like this!

Apes

Oh, no, he did NOT!

Liz sent me her l8est e-mail on the next bit of what happed that super-eventful nite when Warren dropped in:

April,

Wait until you find out what happened next. I can hardly believe it, even though I was there and saw the whole thing. Even though Pattersons normally don't turn down a friend begging for a place to crash for the night, especially since we get martyr points for putting up with people like that, I couldn't risk that Anthony might see Warren through the windows when he accidentally points his telescope at my apartment because he happens to be stargazing in my neighbourhood. Knowing how Anthony jumps to conclusions, I didn't want him to run off and propose to Julia or Kortney or something. So I did something Pattersons hate, I asserted myself and said, "You have to go. You can stay at a motel. I'll give you some money." As I was telling him that, I was pulling my oddly shaped wallet out of my purse. Warren told me, "I've got money, Liz..." At just that moment, my phone, which is at the other end of the apartment from where we were standing, rang. And before I had a chance to do anything, Warren sprinted across the room, fast as can be, and answered my phone. I was so shocked, all I could do was raise my brows, bug out my eyes, and let my mouth fall open. Warren, who had his jacket half on/half off, answered, "Hello?" And I could hear Anthony's voice on the other end, going, "Um... who's this?" And Warren handed me the phone and said, "...I think it's the OTHER man in your life!"

April, can you believe this? I felt my chances of EVER marrying Anthony fading away. I could just imagine him going through his phone book, calling every unmarried Milborough woman he knows until he finds someone willing to dash off to the courthouse as soon as it opens to marry as fast as possible. I felt my life was about to be ruined! But I can't tell you whether it was or not, because of the Patterson rules of suspenseful storytelling. Stay tuned!

Liz

Wow, flyboy has some serious boundary issues, eh? I mean, who DOES that? Man, I wish you were allowed to tell us what happed next. I can't remember the last time I really wanted to know the next part of one of our Patterson stories.

Apes

Is SEEING still BELIEVING?

Liz wrote 2 me w/the next bit of what happed when Warren dropped by her place one recent nite:

April,

After Warren and I finished our coffee, I really wanted him to leave, so I tried Mom's "subtle hint for getting guests to leave #1," which is to wash and dry your dishes in front of them. As I was drying a mug, I told Warren, "Look, ...I'm sorry about your job..." Which wasn't really true, because what's it to me, and I never told him to quit, but it seemed like the thing I should say. Then Warren said, "Yeah--I'm hoping I can get something stable now... maybe teach at the college." I kind of looked over my shoulder at him while I put away the mug and told him, "You could do that. They have a good flight school there." And Warren said, "I'd hafta take some courses though. ...MAN! I never should have quit. Not without an alternative." Well, duh! But instead of saying, "Duh," which Mom says is not ladylike, I said, "Warren, I'd like to help you, but I don't know how." Warren opened his eyes very wide, raised his eyebrows, and said, "Well... I'm sharing my place with a guy and he's got... You know... company. I need somewhere to crash for a couple of nights. And I said, "You can't stay HERE! --Besides, I'm seeing someone! And instead of asking me who, so I could tell him about Anthony, he said, "I know..." And then his eyelids went droopy and he added, "You're seeing ME!"

April, suddenly I had this weird sicky feeling in my tummy and I wondered if he might be referring to that time in December of 2005, when I had told him I was with Paul, and during our helicopter ride to Milborough, I told him "seeing is believing." Why do people keep doing that, making references to things that were said, like, um, one, two, three, yeah, three years ago? Like you can't say anything because someone will use it again and kind of say it back. And I also wondered since when does he even have a "place" in Milborough? And if he does, and it's his place, why doesn't he kick out the guy who has "company"? But I didn't ask him any of this. But you'll have to wait until tomorrow before I tell you what happened next.

Liz

Bad move, Warren. If you're going to rearrange yr life 2 B w/Liz U @ least have 2 do yr intel and find out if she is d8ing NE1 else.

Apes

Liz yells at Warren

Liz sent me another e-mail and here's what she wrote:

April,

I know your readers are dying to hear what happened next the night Warren dropped by my apartment. Well, after I made him coffee, we sat down at my kitchen table and I told him, "Warren you do NOT love me. If you did, you wouldn't have dumped me so many times!" Warren said, "I never dumped you!" I said, "Right! --You'd cancel dates, then show up unannounced... You'd leave town without telling me! You'd be here for six weeks, then gone for a month. --I never knew where you were, or what you were doing!" I was going to add that every time I saw him, he looked different so I could hardly tell who he was, but before I had a chance, he said, "Liz... That's the nature of the job!!" Notice he said, "Liz," not like Anthony who almost always says "Elizabeth" these days, because he got my memo. I pointed a finger at him and said, "No, it's not... it's the nature of YOU!!"

Then I was so angry because he forced me to be direct with him and tell him exactly what bothered me, after all these years of not telling him but leaving my hints. Mom says Pattersons do not believe in directness, she says it's "vulgar." Anthony and I never discuss things directly, except in our thought bubbles. It's called tact.

Anyway, April, there's more to tell, but I won't tell you yet. You'll thank me for keeping the Mike stories away for as long as I can.

Liz

True that, anything to keep the Mike stories @ bay. Mike stories and flashbacks, both R bad. Mike stories in flashback = the worst.

U know, Liz, if U'd just told Warren how mad U were back when he went 2 Yellowknife, insteada just mouth-raspberrying the fone after telling him all was fine, mayB U2 wda had a proper breakup and he wdna quit his job out of the blue.

Apes

Warren makes bad choices

Liz wrote in 2 share what happed next when Warren dropped by her apt unxxpectedly:

April,

It's just not fair, I don't think you understand, but maybe you do since you broke things off with Gerald and he keeps coming around anyway, and back in last April (not you, the month), I was following all of the rules that it says you should do in The (Patterson) Rules, well that is supposed to make the men know you are a real prize, but that Warren, he put his work in front of being with me, which is like the ultimate pleasure on earth, to be with a Patterson woman, and I gave the phone a good spitting to let him know that he had missed out on life with an emotionally mature woman with a healthy supply of saliva, because some men like that thing, I have been told, and I thought he had come over to my apartment to talk, but then he was grabbing me, so mom always says that coffee is better than sex, so I thought I could distract Warren with coffee, so I said, “Warren, let go!...I’ll make you a coffee!” and he said, “OK, OK…” like he knew coffee was better than sex, and I was upset because we never had sex before when we were dating so how did he know that my coffee would be better than sex with me, not that I would ever have sex with Warren, but I was so insulted and then he said a word which a good Patterson man never says unless threatened with a gun or a bazooka or something, he said, “Thanks” and so I thought it would be a good idea to remind him of the time, just in case he didn’t have a watch on and I said, “Look. It’s after 10.” ( and I thought about pointing to a clock when I said to look, but I had my hands full of coffee cups and I know all about that trick where someone asks you the time on your watch while you are holding coffee because that little creep, my favourite student, Jesse Mukwa used to do it to me all the time), so I said, “Why are you here? What’s the matter?” which are pretty direct questions for me, and I hate to say this, but sometimes when I am tired I forget that according to the handy little "Passive Language Purity Guide" that the Johnston Institute puts out, a Patterson woman should never ask direct questions, so then he told me, and he said, “I quit my job, Liz. I got so tired of being sent all over the place. I want to stop. I don’t have a HOME anywhere!! I can’t fly anymore. It’s one of the two things in life that I really love, and I have to give it up,” and as I thought about it, I seem to remember having heard this same speech before the last time a man grabbed me when I didn’t want him to and someone telling me they had no HOME, like I had a feeling of DJ view, (which is where DJ’s know what song is coming up before they even say it), and I looked at Warren and he did not really look that much like a DJ to me, and I thought it was a good thing Anthony wasn’t here or he would tell me I could give my apartment to Warren and then move in with him, so Warren could have a home and I could live in my other home with Anthony, but then I remember that Warren had counted to 2 things he really loved, and thought I knew the other one must be my coffee, so I said, “What’s the other thing?” and he didn’t say it was my coffee at all, he said, “You” and when he said that I had this sudden feeling that I looked like a combination of mom and Mike and not much like myself at all, and you know, April, I had this sudden memory of mom telling one of those secret mom things where she said to me, “Lizzie. You need to stop digging in your diaper, I am going to change you in a few minutes” and then she said, “Lizzie, if there’s one thing in your life you can never trust, it’s a man who is willing to give up things to be with you. A man who is willing to transfer his job for you or a man who is willing to give up his job to be close to you are the types of men who will marry you for more than 30 years and then you will find out that they have been cheating on you all along with some slut you have known for years. Those are not the types of men for you. You need to go with an emotionally-distant man, who will never make any kind of sacrifice for you and might leave you sitting in a high chair all night. Those are the men, men like your father, who make the best husbands and dads.” and while I was rememberizing that, I was also wondering how Warren would pay for apartment rent without his job, and that Warren is just a big poopyhead if he thinks I am going to pay for apartment rent for him too, and how this could mess up everything with Anthony, just as he was almost about to consider the possibility of perhaps, maybe getting me an engagement ring, which is the type of thing that unemployed Warren is not going to give me, unless he has some rich relatives somewhere. I am very confused about all of this as you tell, but at least Mike isn’t telling his boring stories.

Liz

Liz, it's déjà vu, which means "already seen," and it's this feeling you get, where something it's happening feels like it's already happened B4 another time, only U know it hasn't. Not "DJ view," U goof!

And Y do men keep associating Liz with having a home? She's a grade-four teacher, not a realtor! MayB those Transformers who R studying us cd look in2 this mystery?

Apes

Warren?

Another Liz-gram showed up in my e-mail:

Hey, April, I'll bet you weren't expecting my story to have a twist, but it does! Ha, I fooled you!

While I was working on grading my students' tests (what was I thinking give them it test, it keeps them busy for a long time in class, but then I have to grade them), my doorbell rang. Even though it was LATE! So I thought, "Whoever you are, go away!" Then I climbed the stairs and answered the door, and it was WARREN BLACKWOOD standing there, but I noticed it wasn't the really tall, slim version of him, but the shorter more "solid" version. Not the totally chubby "almost Gordo" version, though. Anyway, while I was noticing all that, I said, "Warren! What are you doing here? --Do you know how LATE it is?" And I also wondered how he knew to find me in my apartment, since the last time we saw each other, I was still living in the big house on Sharon Park Drive, with the sun in my eyes. But before I got a chance to ask about that, Warren said, "I'm sorry, Liz... My head's a mess right now. Could I talk to you?" And I said, "Yes! Sure! Come in!" I started thinking about whether it would be better to call my principal and tell him I was sick, or to tell my students they wouldn't get their tests back for another day. But then, Warren threw his arms around me and I yelled, "Warren... This isn't TALKING!" In case he didn't know the difference.

So you are probably wondering what he wanted to "talk" about, and did I tell him about Anthony being my very good friend now, but you will have to wait and see. This is all I'm going to tell you now. Because if I tell my story too fast it will be Mike's turn again, and you know when it's Mike's turn, he takes a month or more to tell his stories.

Warren, eh? This cd get interesting. 'Course it wda helped 2 use this new-fangled device called communication w/him, but I M sure U and probably Mike 2 will tell me that's not the Patterson way.

Apes

Warren being busy

After Liz finished xxplaining 2 Mom that the move 2 the choo-choo house, and Mike an' Dee taking over our house, were really happening and not just a theory, the fone rang and I answered it. It was Warren, 4 Liz. So I told Liz, who was brushing Edgar (since that was one of her chores that day). I hadta load the dishwasher, and while I was doing that, I heard Liz's side of the convo, where she was all, "Hi,Warren! ...Really? But I thot U had the weekend off? ....Oh. How long will U B in Yellowknife? Wow. So, I guess I won't C U 4 a while! Hey, no problem! Work B4 pleasure! Take care of yrself, OK? C ya!" Then, after she'd clicked the fone back in2 its cradle, she stuck her tongue out @ the fone, all, "BWAPPBLFTT!"

Jeremy, thanx sooooooooooooo much w/yr help sitting the littles. I was able 2 get lotsa h'work dun while U played hide an' seek and handled bedtime. Sorry U hadta get stuck w/an impromptu Liz grammar lesson and w/Mom's compulsive furniture choosing. Yeah, most ppl who come over wanna get away w/out having 2 talkta Mom.

Howard and Becky: Wow! Congrats on Becky scoring that duet w/Mizz Candy Rapper. Yeah, I'm not surprised 2 hear that she an' Brandy R actually v. smart and educ8ed, but I sure bet Liz will B!

Apes

TMDI and changing the subject

And now 4 sumthing entirely different.

Recently, Lizzie was sitting on the front stairs rite outside the house while Mike was raking leaves (hoping Dad wd compliment him). Liz tells me she was sending a txt 2 Warren, all "hi warren! got an apt nthg spcl, 1 rm, bsmt old hse, bt cls to wrk. cnt wt to be on my own agn. my flks plc is crzy. hw r u? whn wl u b bk n twn? hp u r...." Then she let out a gr8 big "OW" as one of her thumbs started having shooting pain. Mike, losing his eyes 4 just a moment, asked the general direction where he'd heard Liz's voice, "Got a case of T.M.D.I.?" And Liz was all, "Yeah. Serious." Then she thot, "Text message digital injury" is going 2 B the next big health issue!"

Nah, mayB next little health issue. I've already seen sum lil news features abt "txt thumb," but it's not b-ing treated as a big thing." BTW, if U use "2" 4 "to" and "B" 4 "be," U can save yr thumb sum ouch-strokes.

Jeremy, I just got another e-mail from Steph. She tells me that 2day shd B the last day I'm having after-effects from the Corbeil Kool-Aid, as the antidote does its work. But she warns me that the after-effects will B sumwhat diff 2day, as they dwindle. Insteada leaping on U and tweaking yr ear, urging U 2 change 2 good, I'm gonna have an irresistable urge 2 caress one of yr earlobes, quite gently, and say, "Now there's a good Jeremy. Good, good Jeremy." Steph was all, "This won't hurt him like the tweaking and wrassling, but w/yr Patterson allure @ its current levels, it cd cause him sum slite embarrassment, as he mite find himself, well--aroused. He might want to take precautions, such as wearing baggy pants and carrying large notebooks to conceal himself." NEway, that's what Steph sez.

Apes

Liz's arrival home 2 wks ago

Yup, still talking abt two wks ago, the nite of Mike's "I'm Mike, worship me" party in TO.

Jeremy, remember when U had this weird premonition recently, an' U didn't know what it meant, and I had a feeling it was gonna end up having 2 do w/Liz? Well, listen up 2 what Liz just told me abt when she arrived home:

According 2 Liz, when she an' Warren got 2 the house, Warren was all, "That was a fun party, Liz. I'm glad U invited me." And Liz was all, "I am 2. I had a nice time." And then she sez Warren grabbed her by the shoulders, saying "We're going 2 get 2gether again, Rn't we?" And Liz told him, "I really like U, Warren. I really do. Let's just C what happens.... OK?" Warren pressed on w/"I'll B flying out 2morrow but I'll B back in a wk. Tell me U'll C me in a wk! I'm not leaving until U say U'll C me!" Then he took a breath and sed, "Say yes!" Liz sed "Yes." Then she quickly let herself in2 the door and she looked out as Warren leapt up in2 the air, all "I'm not gonna w8 until 2morrow... I'm flying NOW!"

Mike overheard Liz telling me abt all this, and he was like, "I like the man's style, Sistwirp. Kind of reminds me of myself when I extracted an "I love you" out of Dee for the first time by refusing 2 get down from Gordo's roof until she did. Ah, good times! 2 bad he's doomed since he was never yr "childhood sweetheart."

Then they got in2 this whole argument abt the "racist corollary" 2 the Patterson-Richards Accord of 1979, which Liz sez Mom showed her in secret. Mike insisted that Paul was out of the running cuz of that whole "not a childhood sweetheart" thing. And he raised sum doubts abt whether what Mom showed her was real or just sumthing Mom showed her 4 her own "Mom" reasons. Mom overheard them arguing, and she sed, "Arguing about things they don't understand. Boy does that take me back. Well, neither of you knows about the 'Duncan Anderson is eminently suitable' subclause from the mid nineties. Really, you should all come 2 ME when you have questions about these matters!"

NEway, we had a hella good time @ Koolhaus last nite. Vicks was rite abt that drummer being v. cube. He works @ the music store I go 2 downtown sumtymez. Ger has sum criticism of his style--he's all "G-Dawg gots the mad drumming skillz!" I'm just glad that when we danced, Ger didn't insist on the ol' ballroom dancing!

Apes

Arrows?

So I heard a bit more abt the "every1 look @ Mike" party a week ago @ Weed's studio. This time, what I heard was that Gordo an' Tracey went up 2 Liz an' Warren, and Gordo asked Liz 2 introduce him an' Tracey 2 her "friend." And Liz was all, "Gordon and Tracey Mayes, this is Warren Blackwood." And Warren went, "Whoa! [another whoa?] U own Mayes Motors out on the hiway, rite?!!" That's kind of a big ol' conclusion 2 leap 2, doncha think? Yeah, it happs that he lucked out and it turned out 2 B true, but imagine all the awkward if he'd been sum other "Mayes." It's not the world's most uncommon last name, eh?

NEhoodles, while Gordon and Warren talked, I hear that Tracey put a hand on one of Lizzie's arms and was all, "It looks like Gordon and Warren have it it off! ....Is he yr new beau?" Beau? Is Tracey turning 31 this yr or 91?!?!?!? Then it seemz Liz was all, "I don't want a new beau, Tracey. ....The last one left 2 many arrows." Sum ppl R saying that rite after that, Mike tapped her on the shoulder and sed, "Slightly older younger sis? Bravo for employing a pun here, and such an unexpected one! Some people might wonder what a beau has to do with archery, but they simply have to forget about spelling and go for the lovely homonym. Bow and arrows. That's wonderful. You'll be a married Patterson lady before you know it!" But I can't verify that last bit 4 sure.

Apes

Significant

Sum more of what I heard abt this past Saturday's "Mike's a bigshot" party @ Weed's place in TO.

I heard that Mom was all, "Oh, John (SNIFF!) [crying] I'm so proud! I've been reading Michael's work, helping 2 edit... I alwayz hoped he'd find a publisher... and now... ::HONK:: [blowing her nose]" And that Liz overheard this and kinda raised her brows while Dad smirked. Then I heard that Warren was all, "This is pretty amazing, Liz!" And Liz was like, "Yes. --I feel kind of insignificant next 2 my famous brother! Well, he's not famous yet, but..." And I heard that Warren cut her off, all "Hey. U'll never B insignficant!" And that when Liz went, "No?" Warren was like, "U cd become my 'significant' other!" Gah, what a bizarre way 2 ask sum1 2 have a longterm relationship w/U. And all in service of bad punnery. Y?

Apes

What I've heard

Well, as U know, while Mike's Congratupalooza party was going on @ Weed's place, this past Saturday, I was home babysitting the littles, Robin and Merrie. So what I'm gonna tell U is a lil of what I heard.

I heard that when Liz arrived with Warren, Liz was all, "I'm glad U cd come w/me 2nite Warren!" And then Warren sed, "Oh, is that what U have planned 4 us l8r?" Just kidding! Kidding, Liz, don't hit me! No, Warren was all, "Whoa! This is such a cool place!" There is way 2 much "whoa" in our collective lexicon, peeps! NEway, Liz was all, "These R all Mike's friends. Sum of them he's known since grade school. Others R writers and illustr8ors, bizness associates...."

Looking @ a photo on the wall, I hear Warren was all, "What is this, a photo studio?" And that Liz was, like, "Uh-huh. Jo [Jo?] has shot sum of the best-known models!" There's a rumour floating abt that @ just that pt, Warren was thinking, "Whoa! --Ask him 2 bag a couple 4 ME!!" But Liz insists there's no way that's true.

Apes