Liz's arrival home 2 wks ago
Yup, still talking abt two wks ago, the nite of Mike's "I'm Mike, worship me" party in TO.
Jeremy, remember when U had this weird premonition recently, an' U didn't know what it meant, and I had a feeling it was gonna end up having 2 do w/Liz? Well, listen up 2 what Liz just told me abt when she arrived home:
According 2 Liz, when she an' Warren got 2 the house, Warren was all, "That was a fun party, Liz. I'm glad U invited me." And Liz was all, "I am 2. I had a nice time." And then she sez Warren grabbed her by the shoulders, saying "We're going 2 get 2gether again, Rn't we?" And Liz told him, "I really like U, Warren. I really do. Let's just C what happens.... OK?" Warren pressed on w/"I'll B flying out 2morrow but I'll B back in a wk. Tell me U'll C me in a wk! I'm not leaving until U say U'll C me!" Then he took a breath and sed, "Say yes!" Liz sed "Yes." Then she quickly let herself in2 the door and she looked out as Warren leapt up in2 the air, all "I'm not gonna w8 until 2morrow... I'm flying NOW!"
Mike overheard Liz telling me abt all this, and he was like, "I like the man's style, Sistwirp. Kind of reminds me of myself when I extracted an "I love you" out of Dee for the first time by refusing 2 get down from Gordo's roof until she did. Ah, good times! 2 bad he's doomed since he was never yr "childhood sweetheart."
Then they got in2 this whole argument abt the "racist corollary" 2 the Patterson-Richards Accord of 1979, which Liz sez Mom showed her in secret. Mike insisted that Paul was out of the running cuz of that whole "not a childhood sweetheart" thing. And he raised sum doubts abt whether what Mom showed her was real or just sumthing Mom showed her 4 her own "Mom" reasons. Mom overheard them arguing, and she sed, "Arguing about things they don't understand. Boy does that take me back. Well, neither of you knows about the 'Duncan Anderson is eminently suitable' subclause from the mid nineties. Really, you should all come 2 ME when you have questions about these matters!"
NEway, we had a hella good time @ Koolhaus last nite. Vicks was rite abt that drummer being v. cube. He works @ the music store I go 2 downtown sumtymez. Ger has sum criticism of his style--he's all "G-Dawg gots the mad drumming skillz!" I'm just glad that when we danced, Ger didn't insist on the ol' ballroom dancing!
Apes
Jeremy, remember when U had this weird premonition recently, an' U didn't know what it meant, and I had a feeling it was gonna end up having 2 do w/Liz? Well, listen up 2 what Liz just told me abt when she arrived home:
According 2 Liz, when she an' Warren got 2 the house, Warren was all, "That was a fun party, Liz. I'm glad U invited me." And Liz was all, "I am 2. I had a nice time." And then she sez Warren grabbed her by the shoulders, saying "We're going 2 get 2gether again, Rn't we?" And Liz told him, "I really like U, Warren. I really do. Let's just C what happens.... OK?" Warren pressed on w/"I'll B flying out 2morrow but I'll B back in a wk. Tell me U'll C me in a wk! I'm not leaving until U say U'll C me!" Then he took a breath and sed, "Say yes!" Liz sed "Yes." Then she quickly let herself in2 the door and she looked out as Warren leapt up in2 the air, all "I'm not gonna w8 until 2morrow... I'm flying NOW!"
Mike overheard Liz telling me abt all this, and he was like, "I like the man's style, Sistwirp. Kind of reminds me of myself when I extracted an "I love you" out of Dee for the first time by refusing 2 get down from Gordo's roof until she did. Ah, good times! 2 bad he's doomed since he was never yr "childhood sweetheart."
Then they got in2 this whole argument abt the "racist corollary" 2 the Patterson-Richards Accord of 1979, which Liz sez Mom showed her in secret. Mike insisted that Paul was out of the running cuz of that whole "not a childhood sweetheart" thing. And he raised sum doubts abt whether what Mom showed her was real or just sumthing Mom showed her 4 her own "Mom" reasons. Mom overheard them arguing, and she sed, "Arguing about things they don't understand. Boy does that take me back. Well, neither of you knows about the 'Duncan Anderson is eminently suitable' subclause from the mid nineties. Really, you should all come 2 ME when you have questions about these matters!"
NEway, we had a hella good time @ Koolhaus last nite. Vicks was rite abt that drummer being v. cube. He works @ the music store I go 2 downtown sumtymez. Ger has sum criticism of his style--he's all "G-Dawg gots the mad drumming skillz!" I'm just glad that when we danced, Ger didn't insist on the ol' ballroom dancing!
Apes
Labels: Duncan, Gerald, Liz, Mike, Mike's literary pretensions, Mom, Paul, Warren
posted by April Patterson @ 6:59 AM
8 Comments:
At 10:24 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, thass weird the way u thot my premonition ‘bout zandra larson ended up happenin’ az u had a premonited the same thing ‘bout ur whacked-out sis. as 4 ur sis & her d8 last saturday, i gotta say i dunno wut it iz ‘bout ur sis that she attracts these guys who r so pathetic & desper8. y duzn’t her patterson allure work on like, guyz w/o huge emotional probs?
lemme give u an xxample. i took my v-girl vanessa home aftah we cleared the set 4 koolhaus last nite. i took her 2 her door, & she sed 2 me, “thanx 4 the comp tix 4 me & the v-girls 2 the concert.” & i sed, “ur welcome.” & she sed, “i like u, jeremy. i rilly do, but i don’t know if i’m ready 4u 2b my new bf, eh? i’m still gettin’ ovah my last bf.” i sed, “ok.” then she sed, “but u can still kiss me if u wanna.” so we did 4 awhile. then she got a little cold & sed, “cu next week.” i sed, “ok.” & that wuz it. it wuz rilly simple compared 2 ur sis.
y cudn’t ur sis just kiss the guy & have a little convo ‘bout how she duzn’t wanna bf yet, like me & vanessa? if ur sis only d8s psychos, then she gonna end up w/a psycho. mebbe she shud, u know, pick a guy she likes, nsteada goin’ w/whoever happens 2 wander by her on a bus. it duzn’t make ne sense 2 me.
neway, i am tired of talkin’ ‘bout wut happed 2 weeks ago. i hope u get up 2 the present next week. speakin’ of the present, i gotta say u & vicki simone were freaks wen it came 2 zakk wylde @koolhaus last nite. it wuz a little embarrassin’ 2 hafta leave the audio board 2 vouch 4u w/security. just cuz the black label society's street team haz drummers who wanna jam w/u & u know them frum the musick store duzn’t mean u can rush the stage durin’ the drum solo. it wuz so strange seein’ gordie duroccher havin’ 2 restrain vicki simone nsteada the othah way round, eh? i guess gerald woulda tried 2 hold u back 2, if he wuzn’t so bizzy doin’ his “air drumming” @the tyme.
i dunno wut’s up w/u, april. it’s like ur almost 16 & ur suddenly a wild woman. 1st u sneak gerald ovah 2 ur house & do sum drinkin’ & lyin’ 2 ur ‘rents. there’s a pic of u on ur mom’s website 4 ur song, where u look like 20 & u look hotter than i have think i have evah seen u b4. now ur goin’ crayzee @a concert. i know sumtymes peeps in mboro have these big personality changes outa nowhere, but i nevah thot 1 of them wud b u.
wut peeps readin’ ur blog don’t know is when u sed, “i'm just glad that when we danced, ger didn't insist on the ol' ballroom dancing!” wut u didn’t say wuz w/the kind of dancin’ u were doin’ w/old ger, he woulda been crayzee 2 insist on ballroom. i’ve never seen u dance that b4. it wuz like u & ger were like a regular boy & girl, nsteada a patterson woman & her “man.” it wuz freaky. not bad, of course. but i wuz kinda surprised.
At 10:42 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. First, I must take umbrage at your reference to calling my party the "I'm Mike, worship me party.” Congratupalooza was a much better name. This new reference shows a certain degree of jealousy which is unbecoming to you.
Second, whatever good feelings I may told you about Warren Blackwood’s style disappeared when I remembered more about my courtship of my lovely Deanna. I mean the “flying” line. That is mine. It’s copyrighted to me in 1996. When I visited my Deanna in the hospital right after her accident, and we exchanged contact information, I had there in my thought balloon, I wouldn’t take the elevator because I thought “I think I’ll fly” from the elated feeling I had from seeing Deanna again after 10 years. Just because this Warren guy is actually a pilot and can fly a plane doesn’t give him the right to steal my line, without giving me credit for it.
Now, Anthony Caine is a man who would give me credit. If he used any of my copyrighted romantic lines or thought balloons, I am sure there would be a ©1996 Michael Patterson in small print right beside it. That’s the kind of guy Anthony Caine is. Not this Warren Blackwood. If a man cannot respect copyright law, then how can you expect him to respect our sister? I am now certain Warren is the wrong man for Liz. She should have told him no, and gotten straight around to spending enough time at Mayes Midtown Motors, until Anthony Caine could do nothing but ask her out. What is taking Anthony so long? It’s about to drive me crazy. Does he need some kind of engraved invitation? It is so frustrating to have Liz dating these men who thieve lines away from me and pretend they are their own.
If your readers need any more proof that this Warren Blackwood is the wrong man for our Lizardbreath, they may have noticed you did not speak about Liz and Warren talking to anyone at my Congratupalooza, except Gordon and Tracey Mayes (and Gordon said he practically had to strong-arm Liz to get her to introduce them). This is because they didn’t. Aside from the Mayes, Liz and Warren wandered around the party for hours and talked to no one. If Liz was really interested in the guy, she would introduce him at least to me.
Lastly, as for mom and Liz’s view on the "racist corollary" to the Patterson-Richards Accord of 1979, I eventually reached a point of frustration where I simply had to give up. Honestly, mom was pulling out napkins she had which were signed by the Good Witch of Corbeil from a cocktail party over 20 years ago as proof. Sometimes I wonder if she throws anything away.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:57 AM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i have given up on trying 2 xxplain pretty much nething abt liz. not only cuz it's nearly imposs, but also cuz she threatens me w/bodily harm if i try. an' by that, i don't mean that she threatens 2 read margaret atwood novels 2 me. she really threatens 2 pummel me!
there's a pretty good chance i'll go present-tense 2 talk abt my 16th b-day 2morrow (woot!) but i can't guarantee that i won't go back 2 talking abt 2 wks ago again after that. even tho i mite b more sick of it than u.
yeah, i guess i got a lil freekee last nite @ koolhaus, an' all. sumthing abt being abt 2 b 16, i guess. can't really xxplain it, but i've been having more fun than usual, that's 4 sure!
apes
At 11:04 AM,
April Patterson said…
mike, u really wdn't xxpect me 2 keep using "congratupalooza" after u ruined it w/yr praise wd u? c'mon, i'm yr baby sister. it's my job 2 use the names that irrit8 u the most.
i dunno abt anthony an' the whole "copywright" thing--i rather doubt he'd credit u either. u sure put a lot of faith in anthony, and then u go back 2 being all xxasper8ed w/him.
and yeah, mom is like a total packrat, esp. when it comes 2 saving stuff the witch gives her.
apes
At 2:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear April and Mike,
Thank you for telling about my goodnight with Warren, I forgot it was my turn to tell part of the story of that night, it was so long ago I forget now what order stuff happened in, anyway, yes, Warren was pushy, and also I am not convinced he is the man for me, Mike is right about that, but there is a problem, and also have you noticed that Warren always looks just a little different every time you look at him, I don't trust that, it is probably the sign of a cheating bastard, but I might have to marry him anyway, since Warren is being all forward and asking me for my love and the person who is supposed to ask me for my hand in marriage has been strangely quiet despite having been given many good opportunities over the last nine months to have asked me, if you take my meaning, Mom says that this person's strange reluctantness might cause the Witch to have to invoke the little-known Super Secret Emergency Corollary to Govern Matrimony in the Event of a Lack of Childhood Sweetheart Suitors, Mom says this has never happened in all the time since the 1979 Accords were ratified, Mom says that in the event that the Witch declares my childhood sweethearts "unavailable," I might have to marry Warren, after all, I am getting too old to be married and I don't want to end up a spinster like in Gerald's song, which was otherwise very romantic, so, in short, I might have to settle for a husband that is just adequate, which I'm not thrilled about but it would be a relief actually kind of, even if he was a cheating bastard, to be able to say I was Mrs. Somebody would make my life complete, I have to start having babies soon, my eggs are almost dried up, Mom says the only other possibility is that the Witch could cast some kind of "get a move on" spell on a childhood sweetheart to turn his focus from building baby cages and decks to marriage proposals, well, whatever happens, I hope one of these plans works, if I don't get a husband by the new year I am going to do something awful to someone, like punching.
Liz
At 2:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz, pls warn me if u get in that "punching" mood, so i can stay out of yr way. and also, if u get in2 that "punching" mood, remember that mike is the one who insists on calling u "lizard breath."
apes
At 10:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. You don’t need to worry about Liz punching you. She’s had 8 months of mom’s cooking. There barely enough muscle on her to grade a paper, much less do you any damage with punching. However, you are quite right that the particularly pungent and putrid odor which eminates from her breath can be a lethal force. You don’t want to get a lung-full of that. There is also some evidence with her expanded hip size, that you don’t want her to sit on you either; but given a choice between the two, I would avoid breath more than bodily squishing. Also, please remember that if Liz does get into this violent mood, all my family has to do is be faster than you are. I think both my children can outdistance you, and I feel confident of that myself. Not to worry though, little sis, if Elizabeth appears to be especially in the “punching” mood, I may lag behind to sacrifice myself for my family. Deanna says I am very good at being superficial, or is that sacrificial?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i gotta say i agree w/ur bro. if it’s between u & ur sis in a fite, my money is on u. i dunno wut u have planned 4 ur 16 b-day, but my guess is i’m not there, cuz i haven’t gotten any invites & stuff. s’ok. i unnerstand. if ur doin’ things w/eva, duncan or gerald, none of those peeps exactly like me, eh? howevah, since ur 1 of the peeps i know rilly well frum lots of years, i did get u a prezzie. nothin’ romantic, cuz of how gerald iz w/the jealousy, so don’t worry ‘bout that. i’ll drop it by sumtyme 2morrow wen ur not bizzy w/ur b-day celebrations & stuff. an' while i'm there, i can show u my new (used) harley. i got my M1 & i have emptied my bank account, but now i don't hafta depend on ne1 4 a ride. i'm supposed 2 ride in daylight, & i'm not supposed 2 take passengers. howevah, if u can keep a secret, i did ride vanessa around on it once. i figger, since i look 40-years-old, no policeman iz gonna look @me & figger me 2 just have an M1, eh? so, if u wanna ride, u know?
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