April's Real Blog

Monday, March 26, 2007

Gerald's Arrival

In case U were wondering what mighta been going on back @ the house during the party, I'll tell U what happed. I know there were ppl guessing on this based on what Ger had sed @ school when I told him abt the babysitting, but I actually kinda 4got all that once I had gotten the littles 2 sleep an' all. So I was startled when Ger showed up @ the door. I was all, "Gerald! What R U doing here?" And Ger was like, "R the kids asleep?" I was all, "Yeah, but..." Only B4 I had a chance 2 finish that sentence, Ger brushed by me all, "Look, I brought a bottle of wine an' sum toonz! We're gonna have our own party!" Me: "How did U get here?" Ger: "I bummed a ride! My folks think I'm out w/the guyz. I have until 12:30. Got NE food?" As Ger was saying all that, he was headed str8 4 the rec room. I went an' got sum chips and met him down there, and he was all, "This rec room is perfect, April! We have everything!" I was like totally pretending I didn't know abt the wine and went, "Yeah--a boom box, game station, big TV...." Just then, Ger leapt on2 the sofabed, plunked the bottle of wine next 2 him, draped one arm on2 the back of the sofa, and was all, "And... comfy accommodation!"

Well, I guess U wanna know whether I went roadside. U wanna know if I broke my pinky swear 2 Becks abt not going all the way w/a boy B4 age 16. And U mite also B wondering Y I w8ed until NINE days after the party 2 even bring this story up here @ the blog. But U know how Patterson storytelling is--I hafta keep U in suspense sum more. @ least until 2morrow morning, and prolly longer. Sorry!


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  • At 10:06 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, actually u don’t needta tell us nething ‘bout whether u went roadside or broke ur pinky swear 2 rebecca. unlike u, gerald duzn’t w8. he has already told every1 @skool wut happed, whether we wunted 2 hear it or not last week. i guess there r sum peeps who read this blog who don’t go 2 skool w/gerald, so i won’t spoil it 4 them. ‘course the thing u didn’t say is how sumtymez u don’t deal w/thingz emotionally ‘till u write ‘bout it in ur blog, so i will say wut i always say in these sitches, if u need sum1 2 talk 2 ‘bout it, i will alwayz b there 4u, just like u were there 4 me aftah my accident.

    if u saw me @skool 2day, ur prolly wonderin’ wut happed, so i will tell u & u won’t hafta w8 9 dayz. yesterday, i finally had enuff w/duncan anderson. he sed 4 me 2 come ovah 2 his house last nite, cuz his ‘rents were out & he wunted 2 give me my beatings he haz been talkin’ ‘bout 4 weeks. so i went ovah 2 his house. wen i got there, he sed, “jones! wut r u doin’ here?” i sed, “u told me 2 come. r ur ‘rents back home?” duncan sed, “no, but…” i sed, “look. i am tired of u sayin’ ur gonna give me a beatin’. step outside, mcdunce, we’re have our own party.” duncan sed, “how did u get here?” i sed, “i walked. same as ever othah teenager in mboro.” duncan sed, “ok. jones, i’ll b rite out. prepare 2 get a beatin’ like u nevah had b4.”

    so, i’m standin’ there outside his house & i hear this window open up. wen i look @the window, duncan is there & he throws 2 cats @me. 1 of them drops 2 the ground, shakes the snow off its paws & jumps back n the window. i hear duncan say, “lazy falstaff.” the othah cat, hits me & starts shreddin’ me w/razor sharp claws. i am hittin’ @it, but it’s 2 fast 4 me. it starts bitin’ on my face & my neck & i fall down & start rollin’ 2 get it off me. thru the slashin’ i hear duncan say, “thass a good cat, faustus. ur gettin’ sum xxtra food. uc jones. i told u2 stay away frum zed. & u shudn’t calls peeps ‘retarded’ either. & u shudn’t have thrown april’s harmonica out the window. &u shudn’t have messed up becky’s sound @the gym / jam. hey! thass 4 things. give him an xxtra beatin’ faustus.”

    then i start 2c blood in my eyes & i hear duncan say, “ok. faustus, u can stop now. i think thass @least 4 beatings.” then i’m kinda losin’ consciousness & i hear a car pull up & i hear duncan say, “man, oh man. the ‘rents! run, faustus, run!”

    neway, wen i woke up, i wuz @home. it wuz the next day & i had cat scratches all ovah my body. my mom sed duncan’s ‘rents brot me home. i sed 2 mom, i looked like hell & cud i stay home frum skool. mom sed, “thass nonsense. u just have a couple of scratches frum a kitty.” i counted & it wuz a lot more than just a couple, but u know how mom’s r ‘bout boys. well, mebbe u don’t. neway i sed, “but april’s mom let her stay home frum skool a few hours cuz she had zits. y can’t i stay home frum skool 4 scratches?” my mom sed, “ur not rilly usin’ april’s mom az an xxample of a good mother 2 me ru?” i kinda thot it wudn’t work, but it wuz worth a try.

    neway, i get 2 skool & ic my not gf, but i guess i wud call her my significant v-girl vanessa. she asked where i got the scratches & i told her the truth, cuz thass wut i do, evn wen it is rilly mbarrassin’. i thot vanessa wud laff, but she got this weird look on her face like she wuz rilly turned on. she sed, “jeremy, u r so victimificant 2day. i am gonna hafta show u off 2 the othah v-girls.” so she did. the othah v-girls seemed mpressed. vanessa sed, “jeremy, i hope ur not a fast healer.” i told her i wuzn’t. vanessa sed, “ur 2 perfect, jeremy.”

    thingz seem 2b goin’ well w/vanessa, in a strange kinda way. i wud like 2 say vanessa iz the 1st girl who wuz evah nice 2 me cuz i got hurt in a st00pid way, but az u know, she’s not.

  • At 1:05 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Yo yo yo, my boom chicka-baby! All I'm gonna say is--


    Yee haw! I'm the man!


    P.S.--Hope Dad doesn't miss that bottle of 1961 Chateau Lafite Rothschild from his collection.

  • At 1:23 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Hey, April my lovah, I'm writing a song about our "private party."

    Private Party
    By Gerald Millicent Delaney-Forsythe
    (c) Psychosexual Records

    Oh baby
    You drive me crazy
    That's right
    It's tonight

    It's the time
    For your body to be mine
    I brought the wine
    Gonna blow your mind

    Private party
    We're gonna be naughty
    We're going all the way
    I don't care what you say

    Five long years
    Of blue balls, all cuz of her fears
    About being roadside
    I let it slide

    But not anymore
    She's gonna be my little whore
    Tonight, that's right
    Turn out the lights

    In the rec room
    Gonna be some boom-boom
    Tonight she made me a man
    Because I can

    Private party
    We're gonna be naughty
    We're going all the way
    I don't care what you say

    It's not quite done yet, but I know it's going on the charts!


  • At 2:18 PM, Anonymous Michael Myers said…

    Hello, April,
    I meant to drop by your home the other night, as I was in the neighbourhood looking for houses staffed only by adolescent babysitters, and without obvious signs of parents. Unfortunately I had to find the knife-sharpener right before I got to your house (I hate it when that happens!). That jerk Jason is already riding me about missing you and your boyfriend Gerald.
    Hope to see you next time,
    Michael Myers

  • At 3:01 PM, Blogger howard said…


    You had 1961 Chateau Lafite Rothschild? Shoot, April. Gerald could have had his way with me for a glass of that. Do you know if it was floor or cellar stored? It doesn’t matter. Just remember I am going to be jealous of you for a while, and I will try my best not to be snippy, even though you said you got chips to eat. Chips. With 1961 Chateau Lafite Rothschild. I hope you were just kidding about that part.

    As for this guy who posted, Michael Myers, if he comes by in his Cat in the Hat costume trying to sell wooden figurines he carved of Shrek, don’t buy any, even if he waves a knife in your face trying to convince you they are really his work. I hate it when Canadian actors can’t get any work in Hollywood and go door to door. They should just do infomercials like the actors in the States do, when their career is over.

    Speaking of “career is over”, who should happen to drop by the Portrait Magazine office today but my future father-in-law, Thorvald McGuire. He tried to sell me this nonsense about how Becky’s career is over after the debacle at the Gym / Jam, and he used as proof the fact that Becky can walk openly in the Milborough Megaplex Mall, without anyone bothering her, including you. I think Becky is too talented for her career to be over, just because of a single performance in a senior secondary school. Thorvald said it was that, plus the pop music scene is trending away from teenage girl singers.

    He suggested that since Becky is going to be 16 soon and it looks like I could be acquitted soon, we could go ahead and get married to give Becky’s career a boost. He is trying to pitch a reality TV show called, “Being Newlyfooblyweds”, which would be a combination of the Nick Lachey/Jessica Simpson TV show and the Whitney Houston / Bobby Brown show. I would play the Bobby Brown (criminal)/ Nick Lachey(idiot) / Whitney Houston(flamboyantly gay) part and Becky would do Jessica Simpson(pop singer), except prettier. Thorvald is thinking about a televised wedding sometime around late August or early September, because, as he puts it, “Things pretty much go dead in Milborough after September.”

    I haven’t had a chance to talk to Becky about it, but if you see her, you can always express your opinion about it to her.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 3:10 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Little sis. I am disappointed you opted to go with a description of your immoral activities during the time the rest of the members of your family were enjoying themselves at my Congratupalooza party. I had quite a list of persons in attendance, many persons our family has not seen in awhile, and I had hoped you would share that list with your readers. Whatever you and Gerald did together, I hoped you cleaned up after yourself. After living over the Kelpfroths for months, I would prefer not to have any unusual odors seeping through the floor to our bedrooms.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 4:19 PM, Anonymous Jason Voorhees said…

    Dear April,
    As my "friend" Michael Myers is a complete incompetent, I'll be over the next time you're babysitting your niece and nephew alone and your charming boyfriend Gerald decides to drop by with a bottle of stolen booze. I'll show you what true creativity is! A real artist doesn't depend on only one medium (I'm talking to you, Myers--wussy boy who only uses a big scary kitchen knife). Just give me some warning so I can get the good goalie mask on.
    Yours very sincerely,
    Jason Voorhees

  • At 5:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, it's true what u say abt me not dealing w/a lot of stuff until i've written abt it here. and not only that, but there are lots of times where my mind, like, 4gets abt things until the day i'm gonna start blogging abt them, and then the memories come back in bits an' pieces, and i can only write in lil chunks cuz i can't remember the next thing that happed. like rite now, i swear i don't even know the answer 2 what went on after ger plunked himself on that bed w/the wine. pls don't tell me cuz i have a feeling i can't really deal w/it yet. thanx 4 yr offer abt sum1 2 talk 2. i mite need 2 once i've remembered everything.

    gerald, that's, like totally a d8 rape song. d8 rape is not cube, in case u didn't know.

    2 michael myers, jason voorhees, and ne other scary-killer guys: i m giving up babysitting. i m giving up ever being home alone, ever again!

    howard, when i have more of my memory back, i'll let u know if we had that wine and if i liked it.


  • At 5:43 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Yo peeps,

    Well, here I am, Gerald the Pussy Magnet, just chillin' in my crib, drinkin' a couple bottles of some more wine I found in my Dad's cellar, with a funny name, 1921 Chateau d'Yquem an' writin' more awesome tunes. Oh yeah, I'm the man! Woo hoo!


  • At 7:13 PM, Blogger Luann DeGroot said…


    wow, i heard a rumour that u snuck ur boyfriend in2 the house while ur 'rents were gone. i can't believe u did it! awesome!

    Howard, what kind of food goes w/1961 Chateau Lafite Rothschild? I'm guessing some kind of french cheese i can't spell or pronounce.

    2 bad Mike's demolished the food in ur house 2 the point that there were only crumbs left in those chip bags, Apes. my Mom saw ur Mom @ the grocery store, & said ur Mom had 4 carts full, trying 2 restock.

    Bernice & i r dying 2 hear the rest of ur story tomo!


  • At 8:26 PM, Anonymous Alto Escurrido said…


    A strong Latina is not afraid of serial killers who attack teenage baby-sitters. I will be glad to take your baby-sitting jobs, since you have given up in fear. Also, tell your boyfriend to stop comparing seduction techniques with my boyfriend Luis Guzmán. He will never be able to match a Latino in the art of love.

    Alto Escurrido

  • At 8:30 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Judging from what Gerald has been writing here, this may be a case where you don’t want to have your memory back.


    With a 1961 Chateau Lafite Rothschild, you would eat no food just prior to consuming it for fear of disturbing your palate so you could not properly appreciate the bouquet and flavour. Chateau Lafite Rothschild in general is made from 70% Cabernet sauvignon, 20% Merlot, 5% Cabernet franc and 5% Petite Verdot. This means the preferred foods would be a strong cheese like brie or a camembert, pasta with a red sauce, a choice cut of beef, or a dessert containing dark chocolate.


    1921 Chateau d'Yquem! You bastard!!

    Howard Bunt

  • At 8:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    shut up, alto. after u r dead an' the serial killers get caught, i'll get my jobz back.

    luann, yeah, i can hardly w8 2 remember what happed next 2 tell abt it here 2morrow. unless it was bad, in which case i dread it.


  • At 8:39 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    whoops, howard, yr post snuck in while i was posting mine. yeah, i have a feeling u r rite abt my whole memory thing. i'm worried.


  • At 9:17 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey Apes,

    If u went roadside w/ Ger cos u wanted 2 & Ger tells evry1 @ skool & u start getting weird text & IMs, let me no & Ill have my posse beat him up.

    If u didnt want 2 go roadside w/ Ger & he went after u, let me no & Ill beat him up personally. My man Charles Wallace will post the beating on utube.

    Ive got yr back either way. Tell me what u want me 2 do.


    p.s. Apes, mayb we shld start auditioning new drummers 4 the band. If u rnt up 2 it yet, Evah cld help me.

  • At 9:17 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzman said…

    Alto, my love, you really must lay off my friend April Patterson. We are just friends and she has never done anything to cause suspicion. Please, do not be a pendeja.


  • At 9:19 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, thanx 4 having my back!


  • At 9:19 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    I know some great drummers who are not Gerald, so I could help with this, man!


  • At 3:02 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Yo fucgers cnt' run mee outa teh bend!!1 G-Doog Rrroooooooolzzz!

    Hey Hwrid, ix Chato Latour 1945 good? Thhats' my y nex botel.



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