April's Real Blog

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Mike loses his words

K, so now that it's Thursday, Mike's ready 2 share a bit of what happed @ his "OMG author!" party this past Saturday. Here's what he posted last nite:

Little sis. Sometimes there are occasions or situations which can leave even the most accomplished speaker at a loss for words. Such was the scene at my Congratupalooza, when my good friend Josef Weeder stood on top of a previously-unseen platform to address the collected gathering of my well-wishers. Josef started off with, “Ladies and Gentoids, may I have your attention, please!” This is a perfectly normal way of addressing a crowd, except, of course, for the word “gentoid”. As I was standing there, I wracked my brain, running down the list of all the slang words I know, and yet a definition for “gentoid” did not come to mind. The obvious word derivation of the first syllable “gent-“ is short for “gentlemen”, which is the word which normally accompanies the word “ladies” in these kinds of addresses. However the suffix “-oid” means “resembling or like,” and is used in the formation of adjectives and nouns (and often implying an incomplete or imperfect resemblance to what is indicated by the preceding element), like anthropoid or planetoid. I was struck with fear. Had my good friend, Josef Weeder just insulted every man in the gathering, by saying that they were incomplete or imperfect gentlemen? And if that was his intention, did he say it out of jealousy for the male attention being given to me by my guests? It is true that I could not think of a man in the room who meant more to me than Josef Weeder, but is it possible that I had not communicated that to Josef in some way? Did he doubt me, after all the years we have been together?

I can tell you little sis. I feared what Josef would say next. Then he said, “Tonight’s soirée is in honor of writer extraordinaire – Michael Patterson! He has just signed his first contract with a publisher…” My mind was racing again. Josef used not one French word, but two. He knows how I and my whole family feel about the French. This was a definite insult. Not only that but he said “honor” without the “u”, which is a slight to all us Canadians. Those 3 words spelled “doom”, not the word but the outcome. I had done something to upset Josef. I looked down at all the people who had gathered before me. My friends, family, and business associates and they all went black, with a light white outline. They had gotten the subtle insult in Josef’s introduction. I rolled up the sleeves on my shirt and prepared to do physical battle in order to regain my honour, with a “u”. I know I had a grim look on my face as I approached Josef. Deanna later told me my face was less “grim” and more “old man without dentures in”, but it doesn’t matter. I made my way past the strangely-coloured balloons which were hanging in midair next to the platform.

Then Josef said, “On behalf of your friends and family-and this is from the heart, man…congratulations on becoming an AUTHOR. “ And as he said it, Josef put his hand to my heart. There were no more French words; after all, Josef could have said “auteur”. There was only the warm feeling I get whenever Josef touches my chest and his heartfelt congratulations. My bad feelings melted away like ice on a Milborough street. I should have known Josef would be feeling a tad jealous, but would never let it get in the way of our friendship. My feelings welled up inside of me. As the crowd started saying my name, the word balloons seemed to come at me from all sides--- to my left, to my right, disembodied directly over my head, and even cutting into the old brain cavity a bit. I could feel my eyes going googly. I could feel my head or my ego expanding or elongating. I am not sure which. It was too much for me, little sis. Your big brother, the soon-to-be-published, best-selling author had finally reached one of those situations I described in my first paragraph. I was speechless.

Then I remembered what my old English teacher had told me back in J school. She said, “Mike Patterson. When you have nothing to say, it really is better for you just to say you have nothing to say than to try to say something; because when you have nothing to say, your work is considerably worse than the awful material you produce when you do have something to say.” Those words came at me from my past and escaped onto my lips as I said, “Um…I…don’t know what to say.” I guess that old English teacher was right about something after all. Let that be a lesson to you little sis---When you have nothing to say, just say it.

Michael Patterson
Rn'tcha glad U asked? U didn't ask? Nev mind. Mike, it sounds like U just never noticed that Weed isn't v. smart and that he's pretty immature 4 a guy who's gonna B 31 this yr. I think that's Y the "gentoid." He prolly thot it sounded cool and "alternative" or sumsuch.


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  • At 10:09 AM, Anonymous lonlyanthdad2fran said…


    There was a lot of excitement at the meeting of the Milborough Astronomy Club (A. Caine, President) last night too. The ladies and stargazeroids present all voted that, thanks to my tireless efforts on behalf of the club, they would buy a star in my name and officially register it in the Official Star Registry. I'll get a certificate suitable for framing in 6-8 weeks.

    It's quite an honor, let me tell you. I also had lots of cheering and people calling my name and asking for a speech and I was really really popular and they even would have driven me around in a limo but they'd all been rented to take several members of your family to drive to some loft.

    So I know just how Mike feels. I gave a few appropriate remarks and pointed out that many of my grade school, middle school, and high school tormentors (naming them took a little while) now know who's really winning at the game of life and advancing at Rex Kwan Do Hai-Keeba and will soon have a whole family solidly behind him again as he makes great strides forward that win him accolades from all his friends and keeps the coffee urns cleaner than any other place in town.

    It's a good feeling. A really good feeling to be this popular, isn't it Mike?



  • At 10:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sgt. Royalson here.
    I had the dubious fortune of attending the "soiree" and it was unfortunately exactly as it has been described to you. I speak candidly in stating that I have uncovered mangled corpses buried in shallow graves for 3 months which were less nauseating than Mr. Weeder's introductory speech. I must confess that I vomited into the avacado bacon dip after hearing it. Luckily, no one noticed. Your brother's gob-smacked appearance then caused me to toss the rest of my lunch into the bowl of beer punch. (Why anyone would float scoops of sherbet in Moosehead is beyond this grizzled veteran of law enforcement's imagination.) Count your lucky stars, young lady, that you were home "practicing" with your good friend Gerald during this event. I normally don't condone premarital sex, but I've come to realize that there are many things which are far, far worse!

  • At 12:33 PM, Anonymous Lars Ulrick said…

    Word on what the police officer said. And I've normally got problems with cops...but I won't get into them here. So was playing my sax at the party and I noticed that everyone had to bail for the restrooms after eating the "Seafood Surprise" casserole. That Weeder dude wanted to pay me with free food, I'm glad I got him to pay my usual gig rate.

  • At 1:49 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I don't know why you call Weed "immature" just for making up a new word to sound cool, that is exactly what you and your friends do, like how you call everything "cube" when you want to say it's cool, ha ha ha, you just admitted you're a big old baby!!

    Also, that thing about the rumor about Warren's thought bubbles, it's a total lie, and here's how I know, Warren has chased me like a proper suitor for like four years now, if he just wanted to do sex things with sexy babes then he would of stopped chasing a long time ago, no, Warren is a proper suitor who knows that Liz Patterson is the best wife any man can dream of getting, because after all I am a Patterson, and I look just like Mom, I'm so lucky, too bad you have that mud-brown mop, with that hair you don't look like any other Patterson so you might have trouble getting a husband, and remember, doing sex things before marriage is a sure way to lose out on marriage, so don't let Gerald go past first base until you are married, I learned my lesson on this so I won't let Warren past first until our wedding night, he will be so happy to finally get what he has always dreamed of, like all men, that's what Mom says anyway, that all men lust for Richards women.


  • At 3:27 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, vicki simone’s v-girl friend vanessa haz made anothah attempt @gettin’ me outa detention. she came n2 the detention room w/the principal. the principal sed, “ladies & gentlemen & jeremy jones, may i have ur attention, please. it has come 2 my attention that mr. jones haz signed his 1st contract with a world famous organization & vanessa here believes that the contract-signin’ shud b celebr8ed by lettin’ him outa detention.” vanessa sed, “congratulations, jeremy.” i sed, “um…i…don’t know wut 2 say.” vanessa sed, “don’t say nethin’ & follow me out.”

    the principal sed, “congratulations on signing a contract w/the toronto transit commission, jeremy.” i sed, “thanx.” the principal sed, “do u have a copy of the contract i can c?” i sed, “prolly.” vanessa sed, “i’m sure jeremy keeps his contract under lock & key.” i sed, “thass true.” the principal sed, “very admirable, mr. jones. u have it in a safe @ur home?” i sed, “not xxactly.” the principal sed, “ur ‘rents are holdin’ it 4u?” i sed, “not xxactly.” the principal sed, “just where do u keep it?” i sed, “it’s in my skool locker.” the principal sed, “the contract is just 4 a transit pass isn’t it?” i sed, “it’s a monthly.”

    he turned on vanessa & sed, “this is the contract we shud celebr8 4 jeremy jones? how did u get the idea that just signin’ a contract is ne kind of thing which shud b honoured?” vanessa sed, “michael patterson.” the principal sed, “that’s diff. that’s michael patterson. his mother celebr8ed the 1st tyme he paid her back a loan. his dad rejoices wen he rakes the leaves. it’s a celebration 4 him wen he picks up his ‘rents frum an airport. i remember him az a student @r.p. boire. the man is so useless, his friends & family make out everything he duz az a tremendous accomplishment. i xxpect they’ll have a party 4 him every tyme he gets a cheque in the mail. jeremy jones, back 2 detention w/u. az evil az u r, ur not az worthless az michael patterson.”

    az we walked back 2 the detention room, vanessa sed 2 me, “y didn’t u lie & say the contract wuz w/ur ‘rents?” i sed, “i try not 2 lie, if i can help it.” vanessa sed, “thass weird. but @least i tried 2 get u outa detention.” i sed, “thanx 4 tryin’.”

  • At 3:58 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Slightly older little sis. There are always exceptions to mom’s rules, like “all men lust for Richards women.” For example, I never lusted for a Richards woman. Your suitor Warren Blackwood’s thought bubbles, whether they existed or not, have clearly marked him as incorrect material for my slightly older little sis. A Richards man or a Patterson man leers at women openly in front of his selected mate, which is always a childhood sweetheart I might remind you. If Warren Blackwood were worthy of you, he would have gone googly-eyed, slack-jawed, and drooled over the gorgeous women Josef Weeder has photographed over the years; while still reminding you that you are more attractive than any of them. That is the way it is done.

    Take Anthony Caine for example. He is very popular these days. He’s not as popular as I am, but he is still popular in his own way. The name Anthony Caine is not only associated with a star in the Milborough firmament, but an actual star in the firmament. Yes, slightly older little sis, you can point to a speck in the night sky and say, “That’s Anthony Caine.” Anthony is a man who is going places, at least places within Milborough, and not all over Canada, like some helicoptering person you know. Anthony Caine knows the proper way to treat a Patterson woman. He may lust or leer or even marry and have children with other women, but deep in his heart he has always held you first. When he was first engaged to that horrid Quebecois woman, with whom did he spend New Years’ Eve close dancing? You. When most people would avoid inviting their ex-girlfriends to their weddings like a plague for fear of spending that sacred moment drooling over them (imagine Rhetta Blum or Martha McRae at my wedding—Disaster!!), Anthony insisted on inviting you. When most men would coddle their pregnant wife with kid gloves, who spends his time helping you take your coat on and off? Anthony Caine. That is the sign of a true Patterson/Richards man for certain.

    You should stop encouraging Warren Blackwood and go with Anthony Caine. I feel fairly certain anyone aware of your love life would prefer you to discontinue your dalliances with other men, and go straight to the man, we all know you are going to end up with. That’s Anthony Caine.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 4:30 PM, Anonymous Marlene Gielgud said…

    April, I think your brother has some misconceptions! I was the childhood sweetheart of your father, John Patterson. We grew up together in Manitoba, and boy did we have a case of the puppy love! But obviously I did not turn out to be his selected mate. Not that I'm complaining. I am married to a wonderful man and I wouldn't replace him for all the world!

    Marlene Gielgud

  • At 4:37 PM, Anonymous Olive Masters Matthias said…

    What a coincidence! I happened to be using the computer that my granddaughter Julie helped me configure, and I was using that Google that all the kids talk about. I was using it to look up people I used to know, and I decided to try "Jim Richards." He and I were childhood sweethearts! Can you believe it? And here I find this discussion on this very topic!

    As you must know, he went off to fight in the war when he was a young man, and it was over in England that he met Marian Barclay. That minx stole his heart and got him to move to Vancouver with her!

    I've heard about this "childhood sweetheart" thing, but what I've heard is that it began with your generation, April, Michael, and Elizabeth. Word has it that this was part of that "Patterson-Richards Accord of 1979" folks sometimes whisper about.

    Olive Masters Matthias

  • At 4:43 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    Man, why'd Vanessa freak out like that? I'll tell u what the xtra credit internship is about:the Kool Haus is looking 4 a new guy 2 handle audio 4 their shows--including the Black Label Society show next Fri. They had 2 place their audio tech "on administrative leave"--sumthing 2 do him crashing his Crevasse n2 a DQ because they were outta Heath Bar Crunch ice cream. Anyway Jeremy, Vanessa sed she owes u 4 getting us the tix, but don't worry, she's not going 2 throw a partee over it.


  • At 5:14 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    vicki, that soundz like a gr8 internship @the kool haus, altho it’s bad news ‘bout the dq. i luvved that place. i dunno wut it will take 2 get me outa detention, but i rilly only have 1 more week aftah this 1. i did detention 4 weeks aftah the gym / jam. mebbe they’ll let me do it aftah i get outa detention. & thank vanessa 4 not throwin’ a partee over it. i wud rather do sumthin’ than have a partee 4 sumthin’ i haven’t done yet.

  • At 5:55 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Avocado bacon drip, beer punch, and seafood surprise casserole. It sounds like Josef Weeder got your mother’s friend Anne Nichols to cater for him. I asked my assistant, Francine, about who catered the party, since she was there, but she did not know. She said it didn’t really matter, because after everyone went through the buffet line once, there was a lady there who ate everything that was left. Since your mom was there, I can guess who the lady was.

    Your brother spoke at length about being speechless, and I frankly was a little surprised, considering he is a writer, that he would not have prepared anything. Francine however, was not surprised. As she put it, “Mike was the same way at staff meetings; but not at first. But after the editor-in-chief, Barry chose to have an article feature the model Sophia, instead of his friend, Josef Weeder, things went downhill from there.” I said, “What happened?”

    Francine said, “A combination of things. Barry started dating Sophia, which I suppose was a kind of thank you for getting her on the cover of Portrait. Portrait was still about portraits of famous people, so a 20-year-old no-name model was an odd choice for the cover. I don’t think anyone was surprised when Barry showed up at an office party with Sophia. Anyone except Mike Patterson and Josef Weeder, that is. Barry and Sophia don’t date now. She talked a lot about quitting modeling to become a chiropractor, and when her career fizzled, Barry lost interest. It’s fun to date a model, but a chiropractor doesn’t have the same appeal, I suppose.” I remembered Sophia’s interest in being a chiropractor didn’t last very long. She never seemed the medical type to me. She’s much happier as the chef at La Crème de la Crème de Milborough.

    Francine continued, “After that, Josef Weeder stopped working for Portrait and began a romance with his assistant, who focused him more on being a portrait photographer than a magazine photographer. Then Mike lost interest in the work. He started doing more and more freelance, and he didn’t sleep very much, and his mind would either wander or he would fall asleep. At the staff meetings, I had to prompt him what to say, and I eventually ended up running them myself. It was so sad. I really loved the old Mike.” I said, “That’s too bad.”

    Francine said, “Seeing Mike at his party last weekend, standing in front of people and not knowing what to say, while the people were yelling ‘Mike’ at him, reminded me a lot of the old staff meetings. But he eventually said something, and he got confused when people continued to yell ‘Mike’ at him, until he realized they meant ‘microphone’.” I said, “Tough having that name.” Francine said, “It can be, I suppose.”

    That’s what I learned from Francine about your brother’s party today.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 7:45 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    whatevs, liz, i don't know y u hafta act like u alwayz have pms.

    sgt royalson and lars, sorry u hadta put up w/all that @ mike's party.

    jeremy, the seaworld t-shirt u gave me is like nuthing i've ever seen b4!

    mrs. gielgud an' mrs. matthias, wow. it's so weird that u both found my blog 2day!



  • At 1:35 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    As usual you are wrong, famous ugly brother, Mom says that men who are worthy of a Patterson woman or a Richards woman (or a Patterson man or a Richards man) will not look at other women until they are married, then they will ogle away, and no, they will not put in very much effort to make the wife feel like they are still attractive, but they will sometimes do things to let the wife know she is the most superior woman in the universe, but it's not usually about making the woman feel pretty.



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