April's Real Blog

Friday, March 30, 2007

Getting Ger a Cab

So back 2 the nite of Saturday, March 17, 2007 (Mike's "Ladies an' Gentoids" Party). I knew Dad wd feel the need 2 pop downstairs an' say good nite, so I held tite a mo and w8ed. Sure enuf, there was Dad, all, "C U in the morning, honey. Thanx 4 holding down the fort." And I was, like, "G'nite, Dad."

"$! Gotta find sum $!" I thot, as I foned a cab co. while digging thru my backpack. On the fone, I was all, "Hello? Cd U send a cab 2 Sharon Park Drive?" I met Ger outside w/the $ and the wine bottle, saying "Gerald! Ditch the bottle! Here's 14 bucks. It's all I've got. A cab's gonna meet U on the corner!" As Ger ran off, I was thinking, "GO!" And I have a weird feeling that upstairs inside, Dad was snuggling up 2 Mom saying sumthing like, "::sigh:: ...It's so nice 2 know we have a teenager we don't have 2 worry abt!"

So, Ger, I think mayB U need 2 apologize a lil bit 4 that whole thing in yr song abt me leaving U out in the cold 2 save my own skin. I got that fone call 2 the cab co. as fast as I possibly cd, yo!


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  • At 9:49 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Yo Ape-babe, I told you a million times, my songs are artistic. They aren't literal truth. It just felt like you forgot me out in the cold, an' I put that feeling into sweet sweet song. Damn, girl, how many more times am I gonna have to say it?!

    I was working on a song about the love of a good woman--a woman who remembers to bring her fugitive lover cab fare and a bottle of wine--but now I'm not feeling so inspired. Damn baby, you sure can kill a mood.


  • At 10:03 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that's ok, ger. dunc has written another song abt me. it's v. v. sweet. take yr time w/the inspiration.


  • At 10:12 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Yo, until I actually SEE one of Dunc's songs posted here, I won't believe they exist. That dawg is all talk.

    I am pretty inspired to write a song about a lying ho who sez she's hooked up with me, but then goes skankin' around to other men to write love songz about her. Damn, I didn't think Patterson women could be cheatin' hos.


  • At 10:46 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    keep it up ger. next thing u know we'll be broken up, i'll b w/sum1 who appreci8's me, and u'll spend yr entire life pining after me and ruining every single relationship u ever have cuz u'll b trying 2 turn yr woman in2 me.


  • At 11:56 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Little sis. I finally weaseled mom’s version of your story out of her. She said, “Mike, now that it’s too late for you to put this in your weekly column, I’ll tell you. When John and I got home from Mike’s party, I could smell the alcohol on April’s breath, and I saw Gerald Forsythe’s back through the window of the door to the back porch. Honestly, you would think a teenaged boy would hide better than that. The only question was whether or not anything other than drinking had occurred between them. I sent John downstairs to the rec room to see if he smelled any odors which would give away activities other than drinking. He reported to me that there were none. Then your sister seems to have completely forgotten that our bedroom is not upstairs but right by the back porch, because she went out to Gerald and said to him in a voice as plain as day, ‘Gerald! Ditch the bottle! Here’s 14 bucks. It’s all I’ve got. A cab’s gonna meet you on the corner!’”

    I said, “So in a few sentences, April basically told you she was with Gerald and they had been drinking.” Mom said, “More importantly, Michael, it was what she didn’t say. She didn’t say, ‘Ditch the condoms!’ or ‘Ditch the needles!’ or ‘Ditch the pipe!” Also, it showed me and John that April was responsible enough to handle the situation completely by herself. Gerald didn’t call a cab himself, or another ride, and he didn’t have money on his own. He just stood out in the back yard like an idiot, thinking of song lyrics, which he would sing out from time to time. April has picked a boyfriend and a childhood sweetheart who is either a simpleton or an incompetent. He couldn’t be a better choice for a Patterson woman. John said, ‘It’s so nice to know we have a teenager we don’t have to worry about!’ Of course, until April has a ring on her finger and a grandchild on its way, I will still worry about her, but there was a certain comfort. I think that’s why I decided April’s punishment would only last a week. I don’t want to spoil her sweet 16 birthday, after all.”

    There you have it, little sis. That’s how mom figured it out.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:17 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, the v-girls & v-othahs will b @the koolhaus 2nite 4 zakk wylde's black label society at 7 pm. it’s all ages, so mebbe u wanna go. i’ll b handlin’ the sound, so i don’t know how much tyme i wud get 2 talk 2u.

    neway, i listened 2 the recording u & duncan made of ur birthday. i’m guessing duncan did all the guitar work, cuz i didn’t hear ne acoustic guitar, just electric. ur voice sounds rilly good, kinda like ur a girl in ur 20s, & not 16. it wuz prolly the best i have heard u sing. ne1 else who is readin’, these were the lyrics:

    Verse 1
    It’s my birthday and I’m saying it loud
    It’s my birthday and I gotta be proud

    I’m 16. I’m not a kid any more.
    I’m gonna be driving with my foot to the floor.

    Verse 2
    Gotta show my parents I’m in charge of my stuff
    I’m a woman, I’m a woman and I’m strong and I’m tough.


    Verse 3
    Look out world! I’m coming out of my shell.
    Look out world! I’m gonna raise a little hell.


    ok, i can c the duncan influence in the writin’. he luvs 2 repeat things, so thass prolly y every single verse haz repeated words. i can c ur influence in the chorus lyrics, cuz that “driving w/my foot 2 the floor” thing is definitely frum ur fam. i gotta say april, it’s not ur best stuff. u prolly shud have wrote it w/o duncan, & i’m not sayin’ that just cuz his cat tore up my face. i hope it duzn't make u mad, but u know how i am 'bout the honesty thing.

  • At 1:07 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I had a very odd experience at Portrait Magazine today. I was in my office, and I heard my assistant Francine outside the office saying, “Martha! What are you doing here?” Then I heard another lady’s voice saying, “Is Michael in?” Then Francine said, “No, but…” Then the other lady said, “Look, I brought a bottle of wine and some tunes. Michael and I are going to have our own party.” Francine said, “What are you doing here?” The lady said, “I bummed a ride. My husband thinks I’m out with the girls. I have until 12:30. Got any food?” Francine said, “There might be some food in the refrigerator, but…” The other lady said, “Michael’s office will be perfect, Francine. We have everything. A desk, a chair, and a comfy accommodation.” Francine said, “But Martha, there is something…” Then the lady said, “Perhaps while I am with Michael, you might have more fun if you are with people your own age.” Then I heard a sound that went “GRRAAAAAKKKKKK.” I looked out the door and Francine had her hands around the woman’s throat. I said, “Francine! What are you doing?” Francine was startled and released the woman, who started gagging a little. Francine said, “Sorry, Howard. I’m a little sensitive about my age.” I said, “Who is that?” Francine said, “Martha McRae. An old sweetheart of your predecessor Michael Patterson.”

    Martha said, “Who are you?” I said, “Howard Bunt.” Martha said, “Where’s Michael?” I said, “He doesn’t work here any more. He fired himself.” Martha said, “What?” Francine said, “It’s true. What are you doing here? I thought you had given up on your lunch time meetings with Michael after you got married.” Martha said, “I did, but last weekend at Michael’s party, things happened which…well…there is something about him which is irresistible.” Francine said, “I know just what you mean.” I said, “Patterson allure.”

    Just then a large burly man burst into the room and said, “Hi, honey! I thought I’d find you in bed with him!” Then he popped me across the nose. I fell to the ground and Martha said, “I wasn’t and you didn’t.” The man said, “You weren’t what?” Martha said, “Not in bed.” The man said, “And I didn’t what?” Martha said, “Oh it’s too confusing to remember. Look around, honey. This is an office and not bedroom.” The man said, “Oh, right. Sorry. But I still caught you with Michael Patterson.” Martha said, “That’s not Michael Patterson. That’s Howard Bunt. Michael doesn’t have clown red hair and he doesn’t wear a dress.” The man said, “Oh sorry! But what are you doing here?” Francine said, “Patterson allure.” The man said, “I knew it! You’ve been moaning on about Michael Patterson ever since you went to that party. I knew you should have never gone. If you can’t get your mind off him, I’ll have to ask for a divorce.” Martha started sobbing and said, “But I can’t help it!” Francine put an arm around her and said, “I know just what you mean. I can’t stop thinking about him either.” I said, “I think I may have the solution to your problem, but first would someone be so kind as to get something for the blood coming out of my nose.”

    After we got the bleeding to stop, I said, “As you all know, Michael Patterson has got a contract to publish his book. He worked on his book many times here at Portrait, and when he fired himself, he neglected to clean out his office or his computer files, so I have here, a copy of his novel Stone Season” Martha’s husband said, “What does this have to do with anything?” I said, “I will read you passage from this book, and I feel confident once you hear it, it will break the spell of the Patterson allure which is afflicting the ladies.” Martha’s husband said, “OK. I guess it’s worth a try.” Martha said, “Read away, Howard.”

    I then read a passage, which I won’t repeat here, for fear of causing suicidal tendencies in your Blog readers. But if you’re interested, it’s the passage which ends with Sheilagh thought for a moment, looked steadily into Harvey's eyes and said "fend for yourself". After I read it, Francine, Martha and Martha’s husband were doubled over in laughter. Francine said, “We had a party to celebrate that pile of garbage! If that becomes a best-seller, it will be proof that Canada is the stupidest nation on earth.” Martha said, “I can’t believe I was even remotely attracted to someone who could write that. After that’s published people will pay him not to write anything else.” Martha’s husband said, “You’re kidding, right? This guy got a $25K advance for that? This must be some kind of joke. The publishing industry can’t be that bad.” I said, “Sorry to have to expose you to it and I regret to inform you the passage I read, was probably the best-written passage in the book.”

    Then Martha and her husband looked into each other eyes. Martha said, “Please forgive me.” Her husband said, “If he can influence a publisher to buy that, then I completely understand why he could influence you. Promise me you’ll never go near him again.” Martha said, “I promise.” Then they kissed and Francine and I went “Awww!” Francine said, “It’s so nice to know we have a happy couple we don’t have to worry about!” I had to agree.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:10 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    don't worry abt it jeremy. kool haus soundz like fun. ger, wanna go? don't me mad, k?

    mike, d'oh! i dunno what i was thinking!!!


  • At 1:43 PM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    What does it mean when your boyfriend Gerald says you paid him $14 for his skills at loving?

    Shannon Lake

  • At 2:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, shannon, if he sed that, then it meanz he's spreading vicious lies abt me.


  • At 2:38 PM, Anonymous alto escurrido said…


    I told my boyfriend, Luis Guzmán, I am not paying for loving. I don’t care if he said you paid for loving from your boyfriend. A Latina does not pay for love, but maybe you chica blanco do. Please tell me he is lying.

    Alto Escurrido

  • At 2:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    it's not true, alto. i didn't pay 4 loving. i paid 4 cab fare.


  • At 3:17 PM, Anonymous alto escurrido said…


    Gracias for telling me. Luis wants me to do loving with him in a cab now. These men. Sometimes they can only think up to the loving and never anything else. It drives me crazy sometimes and makes me wish I was not a hot-blooded Latina.

    Alto Escurrido

  • At 3:19 PM, Anonymous Susan Dokis said…


    Boozhoo. I received a copy of a new Ministry of Education brochure on teaching First Nations Children, called Teaching…is a Learning Experience. It shows a picture of your sister in front of a First Nations classroom, where the animals from a Terrarium are running loose around the classroom along with the students. This situation never happened during the time your sister was teaching at the Mtigwaki School. Not only that but the students featured in the picture are not students here. The Mtigwaki School has no children in it which are not First Nations children. The white boy with the orange hair, and the little Asian boy are glaring inconsistencies. I suspect the Ministry of Education included them to show racial diversity.

    Gary Crane, the principal of the Mtigwaki school, and I would like you and anyone who asks you about the brochure to know the Mtigwaki School and First Nations people take education seriously. This brochure does not represent us and does not receive our endorsement. We deeply regret that someone so honoured in the Mtigwaki community as Elizabeth Patterson, would have participated in the making of this brochure.

    Miigwetch (Thank you),
    Susan Dokis

  • At 3:47 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Yo Ape-babe, since you seem in the apologizing spirit, I will let you see the song I wrote about you. Now this time, try real hard to keep in mind how this song is just INSPIRED by our love, and not, like, a literal story about our actual night of passion.

    The Saga of the Childhood Sweethearts
    by Gerald Millicent Delaney-Forsythe
    (c) Psychosexual Records 2007

    My girl and me
    We're young and in love
    Can't you see
    She's my little turtledove

    Oh, we're alone and it's right
    Took her virginity
    Makin' love all night
    Oh yeah, she's in love with me

    But her parents, man they're cold
    Don't trust her, came home early
    They're mean and they're old
    And her mom is kinda surly

    Oh, my baby's love is true
    She hid me on the back deck
    Lied to her parents a streak of blue
    My baby saved my neck

    Then when her folks were in bed
    My baby came out in the night
    Told me, "If they catch us, we'll be dead"
    But my baby, she tried to make it right

    She gave me all she had
    The bottle of wine
    And 14 bucks for a cab
    Oh yeah, baby's love was still mine

    But then her evil 'rents came out!
    And I knew the jig was over and done
    Her mom did scream and shout
    And her daddy had a gun

    My baby and I started to run
    And I ran all the way to town
    But not before I saw
    Her Daddy shoot my baby down

    Never to go back did I dare
    But I heard my baby's story
    Paralyzed in a wheelchair
    Just 'cause of one night of lovin' glory

    Now she's trapped for life
    With her rents and her spinster sis
    I got myself a job and a pretty wife
    But my poor baby I still miss

    Her parents say I was wrong!
    A man of love and wine and song!
    Not childhood sweetheart material at all!
    So they set me up to take a fall

    But when her Daddy tried to kill me
    My baby gave up her life to save me
    When I think of my baby I still cry
    It's true and that's no lie

    I am my baby's love, the true
    And only one she ever knew
    Childhood sweethearts are forever
    Not even that punk Duncan Anderson can sever
    What is good and pure and right
    In my heart I still hold my baby tight

  • At 3:56 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    By the way, Ape-babe, I talked to Anthony Caine yesterday night, and this is what he told me:

    1. Dunc can't be a childhood sweetheart for you--at least, not one you can marry--because he's not white and it goes against the Top-Secret "Like With Like" Racist Corollary to the 1979 Patterson-Richards Accord.

    2. Jeremy Jones can be a childhood sweetheart for you, but since he is aging so fast, he will leave you a widow by age 25, and then you will have to marry me anyway.

    Yo, I don't think it's fair or anything, but Anthony Caine says it's the rules.

    Out, G-Dog

  • At 4:00 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yikes, ger, i get the whole "artistic licence" an' all, but that song makes it sound like u want 2 hurt me real, real bad.

    does that mean u don't want 2 go 2 koolhaus w/me?


  • At 4:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    anthony's not the best source when it comes 2 the patterson-richards rules. mike, cd u check that stuff 4 me?


  • At 4:01 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    You shut up, you are just jealous that I am so well-loved in Mtigwaki and the First Nations that I am the featured teacher in the brochure and not you, you boyfriend stealing skank ho, there is nothing wrong with putting in some kids with orange hair or Asianness for diversity, we Pattersons know diversity is very important, so long as it is not in our own family.


    P.S.--Gerald, I thought your song was very romantic, I wish that something romantic like that would happen with me and a childhood sweetheart, I have done some of those things with a non-childhood sweetheart and it just ends in tears, of course your song ends in tears, but it's romantic childhood sweetheart tears, not cheating bastard tears, which are totally different.

  • At 4:04 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Yo Apes-babe, yeah, I figured you would know it was implied I am going with you to that Koolwhatever, I am your man, and hence I go where you go.

    And no, I don't wanna hurt you baby, I was just inspired by some tragic love stories, you know, like, don't you think we are as passionate as Romeo and Juliet? I totally do. And they were doing it when they were like 14.

    Peace, G-Dog

  • At 6:20 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Little sis. This is all I found on the matter:

    The "Like With Like" Racist Corollary.

    This corollary prohibits discrimination against marital partner or potential marital partners on any ground such as race, color, ethnic or social origin, genetic features, language, religion or belief, political or any other opinion, membership of a national minority, property, disability, age or sexual orientation and also discrimination on the grounds of nationality, with the following exception:

    People are not actually of different “races.” There are “winners” and “losers.” We’re all running at the same speed and heading toward the same destination. The only “winners” are the ones who’ve made the world a better place for having been here! By this definition, Pattersons and Richards are “winners” and everyone else is a “loser.” Being a Patterson or a Richards accounts for differences in human character or ability and a Patterson or a Richards is superior to others. This is a scientifically proven fact (See Patterson Science, “Constantly Changing Bodies” Corollary). Therefore, discrimination of marital partners or potential marital partners on the grounds of being a Patterson or a Richards is wholly allowed. There is no “like with like” where a Patterson or Richards is concerned.

    The rules governing marriage of Pattersons and Richards are clear and governed by strict guidelines under the Corbeil Chief Witch. In terms of ethnicity, most Pattersons and Richards think of their superiority as a matter of ethnicity. Some examples of this can be in their food or pastries, or the unusual use of English slang or American spellings in their language. However, matters concerning Marriage of Pattersons and Richards are controlled by strict Orthodox standards, kept hidden from curious eyes. Each individual potential partnership of a Patterson or a Richards will be evaluated separately. Issues related to marital partners are solved by the Corbeil Chief Witch.

    I don’t know if it is what you want or not.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 7:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, i m writing from koolhaus. we r having a kool time!

    mike, thanx 4 lookin' that up 4 me. hm, i seem 2 have a distant memory of a foto album that had family pix plus duncan. the duncan pic was labeled "suitable 4 a patterson/richards marriage." interesting.


  • At 11:17 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    Me & Apes talked 2 sum cool ppl from Black Label Society's street team. A lot of them r serious musicians & have brot up getting 2together 2 jam w/Apes. 1 guy is a drummer who has the same taste n music as she does, hella cube.

    & Zakk Wylde is a MORSEL! I go crazy every time he looks my way! They're starting 2 play "Lead Me 2 Yr Door." Time 2 break out the Zippo lighter!


  • At 11:43 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Mike isn't telling you the whole truth, that is not the Top Secret "Like With Like" Racist Corollary that Mom showed me when she was trying to explain how come it couldn't work out between me and Paul ever and how come he had to be another cheating bastard, I didn't get to keep a copy because it's top secret, but there is stuff in there about how diversity is not allowed in the family and how nobody too "ethnic" can marry a Patterson or a Richards, case in point Mike couldn't marry Rhetta Blum because she has a Jewish name and I couldn't marry Paul because he is Native, so they had to turn out to be cheaters, listen, you will marry a white Angle-Socksan Protester, or something like that, Mom says that's the way it is, but you get to have diversity friends, that is where diversity belongs according to her, but you won't see it in the official text of the 1979 Patterson-Richards Accord, it's "top secret," whatever, she told both me and Mike, I'm not sure why Mike is hiding the truth now, maybe because he's in league with Mom, it's all very confusing, anyway, if you want a different childhood sweetheart than Gerald, pick one of those white socks protesters to date, but try to pick one who isn't aging too fast, it would suck to be a widow real young, remember, a woman without a husband has no status in Milborough, it's in the town bylaws.



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